(No Control - 44. Loved You First)

I am almost permanently hard.

I can't even rub suncream on Jess's back without getting turned on.

We're at the beach the following morning, and she has made the mistake of asking me to do her back, and now I have a raging boner. The fact that her skin broke out in goosebumps the minute I touched her didn't help, to be honest.

"I've got a party going on in my shorts right now," I tell her, handing her the bottle.

"Harry!" she squeals, and I grin at her innocence. If only she could read my mind... she'd probably have taken out a restraining order by now.

It gets worse as she runs her hands over my back, rubbing sunlotion into my skin, and I close my eyes, enjoying her touch. She hands me the bottle back and leans close to my face.

"Seems you're not the only one," she whispers, and my eyes widen as I look up at her, but she gives me a cocky smile and lays down on her towel.

Oh my God - is she wet? I don't think I can handle that thought right now.

"You can't say stuff like that," I stress, rolling on to my front to hide the bulge in my pants.

"Sorry, I'm just a bit busy," she says breezily, and shoves ear buds in her ears.

"What are you listening to?" I ask, but I have a feeling I know the answer.

"You really have to ask?" she jokes, and I roll my eyes.

As if she's listening to One Direction when she's got the real thing here in the flesh.

Oh my God, did I seriously just have that thought? I'm an arrogant prick sometimes.

I lay down and rest my head on my arms, watching her. Her eyes are closed and she's tapping her fingers against her leg. I can't hear the music but I recognise the beat she's tapping as Ready To Run. Has she got it on shuffle or something?

I watch her until the next song comes on and I immediately recognise Where Do Broken Hearts Go, again from the beat she's tapping on her thigh. She gets more into this one, tapping her fingers harder.

She obviously likes this song. I had guessed as much already, as it's her ringtone for Facetime, but I can't help smiling. I wrote this. I'm chuffed she likes it.

I wonder why she skipped Steal My Girl though? Doesn't she like that one?

I watch her, like some sort of obsessive weirdo.

I want to ask her to be my girlfriend, but the thought terrifies me. What if she says no? What if she laughs? What if she doesn't want to?

My phone beeps with a text and I reach for it. Taylor Swift? What the hell does she want?

Hey ;) how are you? Not like you to be pictured with the same girl twice. Is she your girlfriend? x

Delete.

I lay back down on my front for about an hour, enjoying the peace and quiet, but eventually I get fed up and lean over to poke Jess with my finger.

"I'm booored. Take your earphones out and talk to me," I whine, and she pulls one out and smiles at me.

"I can't believe no one has noticed you yet," she says softly.

"It's nice isn't it," I observe. "It's very relaxing."

"I wish I could kiss you," she sighs, and my stomach flutters.

"Me too," I murmur, rolling onto my side and propping my head up on my elbow.

Is she fed up with having to be secretive all the time?

"You get why we can't, don't you?" I ask, trying not to sound pathetic.

"Of course," she smiles. "I don't want the attention any more than you do."

Over the last few years I've only ever dated celebrities, who are used to the fame and the spotlight and enjoy it. It's refreshing being with someone so grounded.

"I love that you get it," I smile back, voicing my thoughts.

My phone beeps again and I panic. I hope this isn't Taylor again. I really don't want to explain our casual arrangement to Jess right this minute. I'd rather tell her in my own time.

Thankfully it's just Lou.

On our way xx

"Lou will be here in a bit," I tell Jess, and she catapults upright so abruptly it makes me jump in fright.

"Lou? As in Louis?!" she squeals.

Her reaction makes me chuckle.

"Jeeeez - no, Lou our hairdresser," I laugh, and she sighs dramatically, her hand pressed to her chest.

"Christ, Harry, don't do that to me."

OK, this was funny for about a second. What's with the overreaction at the mention of Louis?

"You sure there isn't anything you want to tell me about your feelings for Louis?" I ask, trying to sound lighthearted and failing miserably.

"Other than he's my favourite member of One Direction?" she asks.

My face drops, along with my stomach.

I hear Karen's voice saying, Dating fans is a no-no, Harry.

I'm beginning to understand why.

"Joke. JOKE!" she laughs. "You know it's Liam really."

I stare at her. Is she trying to make me jealous?

If she is it's working.

"Niall?" she says, cheekily, and I don't find this amusing. I huff and turn over, facing away from her.

I can't work out if she's joking, at least not about Louis. I'm pretty certain she's only winding me up about Niall and Liam. I think. I don't fucking know.

She's poking my back now, repeatedly.

"I'm sorry," she whines. "I'm just teasing you. You're my favourite and always have been, kind of."

Kind of.

KIND OF?

What the fuck?

Before I can stop myself I turn over quickly and frown at her.

"Kind of?" I repeat.

She has the grace to look uncomfortable.

"Well, uh, I thought Liam was cute when he auditioned for X Factor the first time," she begins, and I immediately resent him.

"And I recognised him when he auditioned the second time and got into the band, so to humour Maddie I said he was my favourite," she continues.

I narrow my eyes. This is getting worse.

She clears her throat. She's nervous. Fuck, now I'm nervous.

"And then when I went to the first concert with Maddie I thought you were really sexy on stage," she says quickly, "but then I saw the video for One Way Or Another and IthoughtLouislookedreallyhot."

I barely catch the last part, she says it so quick. I kind of wish I hadn't.

I'm jealous as fuck.

"So you do think Louis is hot?" I ask.

"I did in the earlier videos. But you always had the edge," she says, uncomfortably. "I can't believe we're even talking about this."

"So you've never liked Niall or Zayn?" I clarify.

"I like all of you! You're a great band and I love your music."

She's trying to dodge the question.

"But in terms of hotness," I say. She's not getting away with this.

"Harry," she sighs. "This is weird. You're asking me which of your friends I think are hot. It's like me asking you who you'd rather have, Callie, Nicki or Sarah."

Have? I'm not talking about who she'd take to bed!

"Woah woah woah." I hold my hands up. "Since when did sex come into it?"

She's right, this is weird. But now I've started this conversation I need to finish it.

"It didn't!" she's saying, and she's blushing now. "You are the hottest person in the world. End of."

Oh God, my stomach flips over when she says stuff like that.

"Correct answer," I say, trying to be cool. "So which of the boys, after me?"

Who am I kidding? I can't be cool - not when it comes to her.

"I'm not answering that," she says flatly.

"Why not?"

"Because it's weird," she says in a ferocious whisper.

She's forgetting I'm used to every girl I meet going crazy over my bandmates.

"Not for me," I tell her. "I hear this kind of stuff all the time. Come on, just tell me."

"Will you promise never to bring it up ever again?" she says, cocking her head to one side and looking at me in exasperation.

"Scout's honour." I hold up my fingers and she rolls her eyes.

I know she knows I was never a boy scout.

"Fine. Louis."

I fucking knew it.

My stomach does a horrible somersault. But I'm not done digging, it seems.

"Then?" I ask.

"Harry!" she scolds, and I can't help grinning because she's so damn beautiful, even when she's cross with me. "You said that would be it!"

"Then?" I repeat.

"Liam," she mutters.

Fuck. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself.

"Then?" I pester, and she gives me a confused look.

"Well obviously Niall."

Why obviously? Is is his accent or something? His blonde hair? What is it?

"What about Zayn?" I ask, instead.

"Pfft, Zayn who?" she breezes, and I feel like I've been punched.

It's only been like three weeks since he left the band. It's nothing compared to the five years he was part of it.

"Ahh, too soon?" she says awkwardly. "Ok. But he was always my least favourite anyway. I would have needed therapy if you or one of the others had left."

I can't help but grin at how dramatic she is sometimes.

"Anyway, conversation OVER!" she says forcefully, and I lay back down and put my sunglasses on. I can see her still watching me, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth.

She's fucking checking me out. Yessssss.

"Stop checking me out," I tease her.

"I wasn't," she says lying back down.

"Why not?" I joke, and I feel her hand gently brush against mine.

My pulse rockets and my stomach flutters. Anyone could see us. There are people everywhere.

I link my finger with hers.

My heart is pounding.

"We shouldn't really be doing this," I whisper.

"I know," she whispers back.

She doesn't pull away.

I'm going to ask her. I'm going to ask her to be my girlfriend.

Fuck, how do I start this? I need to steer the conversation round.

"Harry!"

Lou's voice makes me jump and I sit up on my towel.

"Lou!" I smile, happy to see her, and almost thankful of the distraction.

Was I really about to make a fool of myself like that? I'm not in fucking primary school.

"Hello darling," she smiles back, and I stand up and give her a hug before taking Lux from her arms. "It's good to see you, babe," she says, and then she turns to Jess. "You must be Jess."

"Um, yeah, hi," Jess replies, shyly.

"I've heard all about you," Lou beams, sitting down next to her.

Uh oh.

"Really?" Jess says, uncertainly.

"Oh yeah, Harry talks about you all the time."

Fuck.

I clear my throat and she glances at me, and I try to send her a silent message not to embarrass me.

"I'm Lou," she says to Jess.

Is she kidding? Jess already knows who she is. She probably follows her on Twitter. I can't remember, so I make a mental note to check later on.

"Yeah, I know," Jess smiles, shaking her hand.

I can't resist.

"Big fan," I explain, grinning at Lou.

"Not that big," Jess says quickly, and Lou looks over at me.

"She is," I mouth at her, knowing Jess is watching me, and even though Lou already knows this thanks to our heart to hearts on tour.

"Get over yourself, Harry," she scolds me, and settles into a conversation with Jess.

I play with Lux for over an hour, building sandcastles and digging holes. She gets cross when I knock over one of her sandcastles by accident, and her little brow furrows and she smacks her hand on top of one of mine, flattening it. She laughs hysterically when I pretend to cry, and totters over to me to help me build a new one. She's so cute.

I promise her we'll go in the water after lunch, and after every bite she asks, "Can we go in the water now, Harry?"

"Come on then!" Lou says exasperatedly once we've finished, and she takes Lux's hand and we all walk down to the water.

I can't help admiring Jess in her bikini. I know I shouldn't treat her like a piece of meat, but I can't stop staring. I want to pinch the little folds of skin at the top of her bikini bottoms (even though they're barely there.) I want to squeeze her bum. I want to scoop her hair over her shoulder and kiss the back of her neck.

I get distracted when a piece of seaweed gets stuck round my ankle and let my guard drop for like a second. Jess gives me a hard shove, sending me to my knees in the water. Lux screams with laughter and I shake my head in disbelief. I advance through the waves and grab Jess, bending down to throw her over my shoulder, but she murmurs, "I'd really hate to pull your pants down in front of everyone."

I don't think she would, but damn she's so cheeky she just might. I kick water at her instead, and she pulls her arms up over her chest, squeezing her breasts together, and I feel a tingle in my dick again.

"You are so getting it when we get back home," I whisper in her ear.

"Promise?" she teases, grinning up at me and sending a jolt to my stomach again.

"Yes!" I insist, and soak her even more until she is wet through and squealing.

When we get back to our towels she pulls her hair back off her face and I do the same, forgetting for a second that she has a thing for this hairstyle.

"Woah woah woah, what are you doing?" she says, and I'm confused momentarily.

"Y-your hair," she stammers, and I finally catch on, and begin to smirk.

"Oh sorry, is the mun bothering you?" I chuckle, and seal the deal with a wink.

She covers her face with her hands and makes a little scream of frustration.

"If I can't beat you in the water, I'll have to beat you like this," I tell her, gleeful that she's so affected by it, and she refuses to look at me, turning instead to play with Lux.

"Have you made any plans for Friday night?" Lou whispers to me as Jess is distracted.

"I thought we'd all go for dinner - Liam and Louis will still be here, Jeff and Glenne are coming, and James and Julia said they're free too," I whisper back.

"Does Jess know anything about it?" Lou asks, and I shake my head.

"She doesn't even know Liam and Louis are coming," I grin, and Lou giggles.

"Oh you are mean, Harry," she berates me.

"She'll love it," I chuckle. "Once she gets over the shock."

"OK well I'll call you about it nearer the time to make arrangements OK?" she says, as Jess darts a glance towards us, and I nod.

As Lou gets up and says goodbye, she says, "I'll see you on Friday."

"What's happening on Friday?" Jess asks me, and I've got this one prepared.

"We're going out for dinner," I reply, casually. "Lou and some of her mates are coming with us."

It's not really a lie - they are Lou's friends too.

"OK," she smiles.

"Speaking of dinner," I say, thinking out loud, "do you fancy going out tomorrow night too? I thought I'd take you out."

I want to wine and dine her. I want to take her somewhere swanky, and show off. I want to fucking impress her, alright? This is the only way I know how.

"That sounds great," she says shyly, and I want to kiss her for being so shy around me for no reason.

Honestly, I am so excited about these next few days.

---***---

I've split this chapter in half to make it a bit shorter (and so you can have an update tonight.) I'll update the second part tomorrow, hopefully!