"I am so sorry, Cal, hindi ko intensyon na gawin 'yon... I was... I was out of my mind and—"

"You don't love me," I cut her off. Sinubukan niya pang hawakan ang kamay ko pero kaagad ko 'tong iniwasan. I could not believe that Amethyst could do something like that. Nagtiwala ako sa kaniya nang sobra.

She's been accusing me about talking to other girls, when in fact, she's the one who cheated. I don't know what to feel, honestly. Sa pakiramdam ko ay pinaglalaruan lang ako ng mundo. How... How could she break my heart when all I did was to love her right?

She made me question my worth. I wasn't perfect. I was aware of that. Pero gaano na ba karami ang pagkukulang ko para ipagpalit lang? Na... Ginawa ko naman sana ang lahat pero God, bakit hindi naging sapat?

Because of that heartbreak, I started doubting the essence of what they call "love".

I admit, despite of what she did, I still liked her. I still badly liked her. But that doesn't mean I want us to reconnect. Gusto ko siya, pero tama na.

I then believed that every girl is like her. Na pare-pareho lang silang sasabihin kung gaano ka kamahal pero gagawa ng dahilan para ikaw na ang mismong sumuko.

I knew I was speaking from experience and that I should not generalize the women population, but parts of me believed that if there's one thing that was worth doubting, it could be the woman's love.

Amethyst did everything for us to get back together. Sinabi niyang nagbago na siya... O nagbago nga ba talaga?

Ang hirap nang maniwala.

My coping mechanism to that traumatizing experience was horrible. Yes, alam ko kung gaano 'to kasama sa mata ng mundo. But how could I blame myself? How could I punish myself when I just reacted?

Girls after girls came into my life pero wala na akong plano na magseryoso muli. Ang nasa isip ko lamang ay maglaro. Paglaruan sila. Gawin sa iba ang naramdaman ko.

It was intentional, I admit. I had a choice to  choose peace and to just forgive. But I felt like forgiving is not enough.

Apologies I received were not enough.

Everything's not enough.

"Wala ka ba talagang balak na magbago? Lahat na lang ng babae paglalaruan? Kahit seryoso sa 'yo?" Allysa bravely asked me. It's the time when I asked for us to stop communicating. Napagod ako. Na-bore. Nagsawa.

"Why? Seryoso ba talaga?"

Kumunot lang ang noo niya at taas-noo akong sinampal. I could feel rage from her but that doesn't stop me from smirking.

"I don't know what happened para maging ganiyan ka! Still, walang makapag-jujustify ng pagiging babaero mo!"

"Whatever."

Shut up, people. You knew nothing.

"He's a rebel, indeed. Halatang 'di maayos napalaki ng mga magulang niya. Dami sigurong kaaway niyan. Ako na ang naawa sa kaniya."

I heard a voice nearby. I found her judgement interesting. And her back view looked... Interesting too, huh...

"I heard you."

"I said that for you to hear me."

Hindi ko mapigilan na hindi maaliw sa expression niya. Tila ngayon pa lang nagkaroon ng hinanakit sa isang tao. She looked judging my soul, at patagal nang patagal, mas lalo siyang nairirita.

"Put that cigarette down," she warned me. Ang tapang.

I pouted teasingly. "Baka inggit ka lang. Gusto mo rin mag-yosi?"

Amethyst became delusional; she put meaning to my normal behaviors. Akala niya siguro'y ang pagpayag ko na magsabay kami papauwi ay ginusto ko. She didn't have any idea about my plan of getting revenge. To make her feel what I felt. Nang maranasan niyang ipagpalit.

I smirked. May this plan favor me.

"And? Ano ang naisip mo at balak mo siyang pasalihin sa grupo? What could she offer to our group? Sakit sa ulo?! Cal, think again. You can't just add anybody as you please!" ani ni Amethyst.

I just shrugged my shoulders. As far as I knew, this is my group, so I could add people as much as I want.

"Cal..." she called me. It sounded different so I guess it's another topic. "Do... You still l-love me right?"

"Yes," sagot ko. Amethyst, you deserve mixed signals. Umasa ka nang umasa hanggang sa mapagtanto mo na wala ka nang mapapala.

"Then... Bakit parang may kulang? Your words and actions don't match and... Nakalilito. O baka naman may gusto kang iba?" iritado na 'to. "Cal, you can't like somebody else, you like me and we're still going strong!"

"Yeah..." I smirked, and deep inside, I was cheering in victory. Only if I could admit that to see her being this delusional was good for my mental state. Only if I could say that I didn't love her anymore. Cheater.

"Anong klaseng lugar 'to?" Chelsy asked curiously. "At bakit ka nandito? At bakit may password kanina noong nasa labas ako? Ano'ng mero'n do'n sa babae at kakaiba siya tumingin? At ano'ng meron at tinawag akong number 7?"

"Ang dami mong tanong." Nagpa-refill lang ako at naisip kung gaano kalaking tulong si Chelsy sa plano ko. And it already seemed working kahit hindi pa ako nagsisimula. Papaano pa kaya kapag sinimulan ko na talaga. Amethyst's impression about Chelsy being part of our group wasn't good. At mukha pa 'tong nagseselos kapag pinag-uusapan namin si Chelsy. I guessed, the world was finally giving me a favor.

"Dahil may karapatan ako! Inaya mo ako kaya dapat sagutin mo ang mga tanong ko!"

"Inaya kita, at sumunod ka; You came here voluntarily."

For the sake of my plan to hurt Amethyst, I kept my eye on Chelsy. Kapag may free time ay palagi kong minamanmanan ang mga galaw niya nang sa gayon ay mas makilala ko pa siya. Nagpatuloy 'yon hanggang sa kilang-kilala ko na rin ang mga kaibigan niya dahil ang mga 'to ang palagi niyang kasama.

I even stalked her socials to make sure she didn't have a boyfriend. Mukhang study first naman 'to kaya wala akong nalaman. I discovered that her family was well-known, especially in the field of Medicine. Nakilala ko rin ang mga kuya nito kahahanap ng mga impormasyon patungkol sa kaniya.

She's really, really interesting.

And what I felt towards her was confusing

The plan was to hurt Amethyst even if it meant risking Chelsy's feelings. Pero hindi ko na maipaliwanag ang nadarama kapag nakikita ko si Chelsy na may kasamang ibang lalaki. Kahit kausap niya lamang 'to ay naiirita na ako.

"EAPP?" Maybe doing her task could make us closer. And what I meant in that wasn't friendship; it's more than that.

"Yup."

"I can help you." Hindi ko namalayan na napatagal ang titig ko sa kaniya. Chelsy's too pretty, too pretty that he made the night more calming

"May sundo ka ngayon?" tanong ko.

"Mero'n."

Nagkakaroon ako ng challenge na paglaruan ang babae kapag hard to get 'to. Para akong nakatanggap ng medalya kapag nahulog na ang loob niya sa akin. I was challenged by her sa paraang ayaw ko siyang paglaruan. Na-chachallenge ako sa paraang gusto ko siyang hawakan nang mabuti para hindi siya mabasag.

"All right," I surrendered. Mukhang wala talaga siyang kagustuhan na magpahatid sa akin. Was she... Afraid of me? I would not let something bad to happen especially when she's with me. Aware ako na reckless driver ako pero para sa kaniya... I could drive carefully.

Chelsy looking effortlessly beautiful caught my attention early in the morning. Hindi maganda ang gising ko pero nang makita siya'y buo na ang araw ko. Sumandal ako malapit sa corridor nang matanaw ko siya nang mas mabuti. I even teasingly called her.

Napaisip tuloy ako. If Chelsy could be so gorgeous just the way she was, there were surely lots of men trying to win her heart. Habang iniisip 'yan ay uminit ang ulo ko. No, that can't be happen. Kung may lalaki mang bagay sa kaniya, ako lang 'yon.

At habang tumatagal, mas lalong lumalalim ang nararamdaman ko para kay Chelsy. Kung i-stalk ko siya ay sobra-sobra na. Halos pangalan niya na lang nga ang nasasagot ko sa exams.

Napasobra ang pag-aasikaso ko sa kaniya hanggang sa namalayan ko ang sarili na unti-unti nang nakalilimutan ang patungkol sa amin ni Amethyst at ang plano kong gantihan siya. Pakiramdam ko ay wala nang saysay pa kung gugustuhin ko pang makaganti sa kaniya. I ended up wanting for peace, and so I decided to heal myself from my past relationship.

I badly wanted to pursue Chelsy in a purest way possible. And by doing that, alam kong nakadepende lahat sa akin. I needed to be better.

"Hindi 'yan na-aapply sa ganitong sitwasyon, Cal, okay?! I just noticed na . . . Palagi na lang ako nag-sspace out kada klase kasi halos gabi-gabi akong narito. Did you even know that I am not anymore included in the Top 10?"

"I know."

"Diskompyadong diskompyado sina mama at papa sa 'kin. And they are hoping for good change from me. At hindi 'yan mangyayari kung ipagpapatuloy ko 'to. This group is a bad influence. Marami kayong away na nasasangkot at nadadamay ako. Ito rin ang dahilan kung bakit nagkalabuan kami ni Amethyst."

"I already told her not to hurt you." When in fact, Amethyst wasn't part ot this in the first place. Wala na siyang puwang sa bawat plano na tinatahak ko.

"Pero hindi lang kasi about sa 'min ni Amethyst. It is for my acads. Lalo na't sa medical field ang bagsak ko sa college. Hindi maaaring mawala sa linya ang mga marka ko!"

"So you are quiting?" tanong ko. It pained me to see her begging this way. Nasasaktan ako sa ideya na kailangan niya pang magmakaawa na tigilan ang bagay na tanging naisip kong paraan para mas maglapit pa kami.

"I will allow you to leave. I will still pursue you." Ayaw kong hanggang dito na lang ang lahat. Nasa isip niya 'ata na titigil na ako kakukulit sa kaniya kapag wala na siya sa grupo. Nagkakamali siya. I would pursue her no matter what. Kahit tumagal pa bago ko makuha ang tiwala niya ay okay lang sa akin. Maghihintay ako.

Hindi ako bulag para hindi makita ang pag-iwas niya sa akin. Marahil ay dahil sa record ko sa mga babae ay nahihirapan na siyang seryosohin ang mga actions ko. Kaya dodoblehin ko ang lahat-lahat. I wasn't willing to change people's perceptions about me, pero pagdating kay Chelsy, gagawin ko ang lahat bumuti lang ang tingin niya sa akin.

"You will be the death of me. Like what everyone says," aniyang muli.

You will also be my death, Chelsy, only if you know.

"Please, Chelsy, I am doing this for ourselves. I know this is hard to take but I am sure we will thank—"

I had been thinking this for a while ever since I met Chelsy's parents. Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin makalimutan ang mga banta nila at ang mga panghahamon. They just love Chelsy, I know. Nakikita ko 'yon sa paraan ng pagprotekta nila sa mahal ko. They just wanted to secure her future.

"If you truly love our daughter, then show us that you really do. Be gone for years and wait until she graduates," his father proclaimed. "Gusto naming makasiguro na matutupad niya ang mga pangarap niya bago tumanggap ng lalaki. You'll only understand us when you become a father."

Mr. Catteneo had no idea how I understood him for being strict. Hindi ko na kailangan maging ama pa para maintindihan siya. But... Naiintindihan ko sila. Naiintindihan din ba nila ako? I just wanted to love their daughter unconditionally... Kayang-kaya kong gawin ang lahat para kay Chelsy.

While talking to them, my heart was fighting the urge to cry. Pinipilit ko lamang ang sarili kong tumindig nang tuwid sa harapan nila. God knew how I wanted to break down in from of them.

"You love each other in a wrong time. Pursue your dreams first," Mrs. Catteneo said.

But we were each other's dream. Alam ko at alam kong alam din 'yan ni Chelsy.

"Binabalaan na kita, Mr. Ramirez, if you don't stay away from my daughter, we'll be your greatest enemy. Naiintindihan mo ba? Prove to us that you love Chelsy, and by doing that you already know what to do," Mr. Cattaneo added. "You are both young to be stressed about love. Finish your studies first."

"Baka may iba na? O siya pa rin?" tanong ng pinakamamahal ko.

"Darling—" Nagkakamali siya. Kung nagagawa ko man 'to ngayon... Ay dahil sa kagustuhan kong sundin ang utos ng mga magulang niya. I can't... I can't be against her parents. Alam ko na mas lalong lalayo ang loob niya sa mga 'to at ayaw ko 'yong mangyari.

"Darling, darling! Tama ako, 'di ba? All along, siya pa rin? Si Amethyst pa rin? Were you just playing? Ginagamit mo lang ba ako para makaganti sa kaniya?"

"Please give me years, Chels. Just years..." Years for me to prove my love for you. I could fight for you against the world but your parents were exception. Hindi ko kayang tanggapin na minamahal mo ako habang kinakalaban natin ang mga magulang mo. They were... Supposed to be our greatest foundation.

"You call it just years, Cal? Just years knowing I am about to face them without you?"

"I am at my lowest right now, Chels, and I can't afford you to burn with me..." Hindi ko alam kung tama ba 'tong desisyon ko, pero ito lang ang naiisip ko para may mapatunayan sa parents niya. Alam ko, alam na alam ko na nasasaktan ko na si Chelsy nang sobra, pero sigurado rin ako na mas masasaktan siya kapag kalalabanin namin ang mga parent niya habang nagmamahalan kami.

"W-what lowest are you talking about... h-huh? We can face that t-together. Just don't leave me."

"I want to give you the whole world, darling. I want to prioritize you over anything else in this world, but I can't do that ... Yet. Give me years, and I will make everything okay." Give me years. I am begging.

"I don't think I can be able to forgive you after this..." aniya. At iyan na 'ata ang pinakamasakit na natanggap ko galing sa kaniya.

"I want to grow, darling," And this was the partial truth. I wanted to grow alone, and it didn't mean I didn't want her beside me. I would always want to be with her, pero sa sandali na 'to, sa tingin ko ay 'yon ang kailangan naming dalawa. I am a flame, and I don't want her to get burned with me. Kaya ngayong hindi ko pa maintindihan ang sarili, ang maging malayo sa kaniya upang hindi siya madamay ang nag-iisa kong solusyon. And again, that doesn't mean I don't love her anymore. I loved her. I still do.

Kinabukasan ay hindi ko na makilala ang sarili. Hindi na makakain sa tamang oras at hindi na rin makatulog nang maayos. I could not cut our connection in social media at sana hindi niya rin ako i-block upang masubaybayan ko pa siya nang maigi.

Caliver needed my unending support for his recovery pero parang ako na ang mas nangangailangan ng tulong niya. Hindi rin naging madali para sa akin ang mangibang bansa, pero kailangan, para kay Caliver, sa sarili, at lalong-lalo na kay Chelsy.

"For God's sake, Cal, why didn't you contact our driver since you could not drive in that state of yours!" Mom shouted.

Muntikan na akong mabangga kagabi dahil kagagaling ko lang sa party ng isang close na kaibigan. But I almost got into an accident not because of alcohol but because of memories. I missed her. I missed Chelsy so much. I was aware that I caused her so much pain and that made my nights more miserable.

"Hindi ka na nga kumakain sa tamang oras, palagi pa kitang nakikitang nakatingin sa kawalan. Cal, I think you need more therapy. May kakilala ako. Please makipag-cooperate ka naman. This is for you."

It's been weeks since I found myself having long breakdowns every night. Sa umaga naman ay para akong walang buhay kung gumalaw. I was aware of that at mas lalong aware ako na mas nasasaktan si Chelsy ngayon. I put her into hell. Kaya ang magpagaling? No, I do not deserve to heal.

Kung anuman ang nararanasan ko ngayon ay nararapat lamang sa akin ito sa lahat ng ginawa ko kay Chelsy. I love her so much but I ended up traumatizing her. So, Cal, this is your punishment.

"Hey..." Caliver was holding a tray of foods. He placed it on the nightstand. "You should eat. It's been two days since you locked yourself in this room."

"Chelsy..." was all I could reply. I missed her. I missed us.

"She would not like it if she finds out you're being like this."

Napahilamos ako sa aking mukha. Kumusta na kaya siya? How's her life going without me being part of it?

"Amethyst was here. She wanted to talk to you. Sabi niya ay babalik na lang siya tomorrow."

And when tomorrow came, Amethyst arrived again to propose something. She's actually seeking for help. Naging sikat siya na influencer kaya naghahanap 'to ng pang social media niyang partner. I didn't want to be involved but my family insisted, lalo na si mama.

"Cal, stop being hardheaded! Para magkaroon ka ng libangan, hindi 'yong palagi ka lang nandito sa kwarto na 'to, nakakulong, nagdurusa!"

"I refuse it," walang gana kong ani.

"Well, refusal invalid. Amethyst, Cal's up. Para naman hindi 'yan laging naka-lock sa kwarto."

Amethyst smiled widely. "Noted, tita! Don't worry, Cal, pang social media lang naman 'to. No feelings involved!"

I, lifelessly, helped Amethyst in her career. Pero wala siyang nagagawa kapag may photoshoot akong hindi sinisiputan dahil lang sa wala ako sa mood. Kahit na gaano ko pa gawing abala ang buhay ko, hinding-hindi pa rin nakaliligtaan ng isip ko na isipin si Chelsy. I still blamed myself for everything.

I heard that she's having a hard time because of what happened to us. Halos hindi na raw makapagtapos dahil sa nangyari sa aming dalawa.

That's why when, finally, I saw her posting herself, nagkaroon ng kagalakan ang puso ko. It's nice to see her glowing. At sana, sana ay wala nang kung anong galit na nakaukit sa puso niya.

She looked like a healed person, pero hindi 'yan dahilan para patawarin ko ang sarili. Still, I didn't deserve any healing.

"Heal because it's your only way to live meaningfully. Heal because that's what you need," her angelic voice sounded too good in my ears. Sa wari ko'y nasa langit ako ngayon habang pinagmamasdan siya sa harapan ko.

Masyadong hindi kapani-paniwala na sa loob ng ilang taong pangungulila, natupad na rin ang pangarap ko.

Sa tingin ko ay hindi ko na siya kayang pakawalan. I guessed I already proved a lot to her parents and I could freely love Chelsy now. At kung may kokontrol man muli sa amin, hindi na rin ako papayag pa na magkahiwalay kaming muli. Sapat nang ilang taon na hindi namin nakapiling ang isa't isa.

"Heal..." bulong ko. "Heal so that I could also love you better."

They say I am the fire that will destroy you. But they're wrong. Because you're actually the flame that towers over me until I become ashes.

But darling, I am your willing victim.