Chapter 3

Leah

            Those who stop physically reaching out to each other are doomed to fail.  Noah’s words replay in my mind as the soundtrack to the flashing of memories that are now streaming in my consciousness.  Lyle and I once had a relationship that was nurtured by many moments of touching and spending time together.  As school pulled us apart, those moments became fleeting and our last few months we had barely seen each other.  I remember that last hug which had broken my heart because it no longer felt comfortable, but instead it was awkward and distant. 

            If Noah’s hypothesis is correct, we had doomed our relationship to fail when we stopped having physical contact.  That can’t be right.  I would have never let that go if I had known the result that would come of it.  What does it mean for our future now that we are physically so far away from each other?  My eyes are closed and I’m trying hard to pull myself together so I don’t let Noah see my pain. 

            The quiet sits around us like a thick fog.  His hand is tight around mine and I begin to focus on the warmth that is spreading up my arm from the place where we are connected.  I feel a tight squeeze from his hand as if to offer me reassurance.  I let my eyes open and take in his stoic face.  He may not believe in forever, but the look on his face tells me that he came upon his theory out of a very painful experience in his own life.  One does not become hardened to love unless they have felt the sting of love lost. 

            “Who was she?” I ask placing my free hand on top of his that is holding mine.  I watch him think about my question, hesitating to share the answer with me. 

            “A girlfriend from long ago.  She fucking broke my heart.  We had this whirlwind relationship.  It was the kind only teenagers could have, blinded by hormones and detached from the reality of life around us.  I thought we would be together forever.” He laughs in a way that lets me know it isn’t funny, just a cover for the pain that is still here after all of the years.  My heart clenches at the cold sound knowing too well the pain from which it came.  “I guess our forever was about three years.”

            Noah runs a hand through his hair and exhales a big breath.  “The first two years were amazing.  We were so in love that I didn’t know where I ended and she started.  Our lives intertwined with each other until they were impossible to untangle.  The third year was so painful.”  He shakes his head and I fight back the tears feeling like he could be telling my story.  “I felt her slipping and I wanted to fix us.  I tried everything.  Looking back now I see the signs.  Every move I made in her directions, she countered with a move away from me.  I reached out—she pulled away.” 

            His face turns to mine and I see the question in his eyes.  Even after all this time and his work to discover what happens with couples, he still needs the reassurance he did all he could.  I know that feeling all too well.  “Noah, you were young.  There was no way to know how it was going to end.”

            “That’s just it, Leah.  Now I can know how it will end.  I see the signs long before the people in the relationship do.  I spent the first few years of my study rooting for these couples, pleading with them in my head to make it work.  At some point the numbers stack up.  You start to see patterns in behavior.  That’s what psychologists do.  We look for the answer in the numbers.”

            I offer him a tight smile.  I might not be a psychology student, but I know that every study has data that sits outside the curve.  It does happen.  Couples clearly have made it, but he is so busy looking at the concurring data he can’t see that those couples on the outside are just as real.  “What is it like for you now, when you watch the couples?”

            “I wait for it, that moment when one of them is hurting or vulnerable.  I watch to see if their partner reacts.  Now I don’t plead with them to do it any longer.  I just watch and wait, that moment passes without touch and I know in my heart and head that they have taken one more small step to destroying any relationship they had.” 

            “What about the ones that do?  You have to see couples that continue to touch.  What about them?”  I lean forward because I am drawn to his answer.  I have to know about the couples that make it.  I have to be reassured that it can happen.

            “It amazes me every time.  It is like watching someone discover something phenomenal.”  He smiles now at some image he must have in his head.

            “See, it can happen.  You can’t throw out that data even though it doesn’t fit.”  I smile back at him, the hopefulness evident in my tone.

            Noah lifts my chin with his finger so I am looking straight into his eyes.  While I see his smile, his eyes express sadness.  I am confused at first at this strange contradiction.  “Leah, I don’t have to throw out that data.  They do it themselves.  My study has been going on for three years now and even when they touch, their only reward is a few more years.  The follow up interviews show that they still struggle and some have even broken up.  Touching doesn’t promise them a forever, just prolongs the time they have to completely lose themselves in each other.”

            “Noah…” I start but he shakes his head and continues.

            “Knowing what I know now, seeing what I have seen, I will take the fast and steady dissolution over falling that deep again any day.  The risk is not worth the reward.”  I shake my head no but his finger at my chin stops me.  “I can see that your pain is still new.  Our souls want to heal and right now yours if focused on how to fix it.  Don’t make the mistake I did, Leah.  Don’t chase if he is running away.” 

            I clear my throat that is thick with emotion.  “It is different for us.”  I try to sound confident but he can see through my bluff. 

            “Everyone thinks that.  To some extent you’re right.  The circumstances were different for you, but the end result is the same.  There is no forever, Leah.  The sooner you accept that, the easier it is to protect your heart form that fairytale.”

            “So you think that touching is a complete waste of time?  I don’t understand how you could ever…”

            “I never said that touching was a complete waste of time.  I actually enjoy touching very much,” his crooked smile is back and I can’t help but to mirror his smile with one of my own.  His finger at my chin lifts my face slightly higher before slipping into my hair and pulling my face close to his.  “It can feel incredible at the time, like how soft your skin is right now beneath my fingers and the warmth of your breath on my skin, but it just isn’t a promise of forever.”  His lips meet mine with tenderness.

            The kiss is soft and intimate.  His hand gently cradling my head and his body leaned into mine.  I feel his tongue along my lips and I open my mouth in invitation to deepen the kiss.  His hand releases mine and slowly caresses the side of my face.  He is the first boy I have kissed since Lyle, and now I see instantly what I have been missing.  I feel our connection in my heart as it pounds in my chest.  My hands reach around his neck and I can feel the heat of his skin under my touch. 

            With one final press of his lips to mine, Noah pulls back and looks into my eyes.  “I need to get you home.”  It is definitely not what I am expecting and my heart almost screeches to a halt in my chest.  I thought it was amazing so I don’t understand why he suddenly needs to get rid of me.  I once again try to hide my expression from him as I nod my head and begin to move my legs.

            “Leah,” his hands hold my legs down against his lap, “I’m not going to be the guy you remember that broke your heart.  If you are going to believe in love and forever, let your prince charming teach you that painful truth.  I don’t know about the guy that you are clearly hanging on to hope for, but I know myself.  You are a still forever girl and to me that makes you unobtainable.  I won’t promise you forever because I know it doesn’t exist.”  

            My voice is a little shaky when I answer, “Just because you can’t see something and haven’t yet held it in your hands, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.”  With that I push away the pain and put my swollen ankle on the ground.  I know that no amount of pain from my ankle is going to override the heartache I am going to feel if I continue to listen to Noah. 

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