Chapter 19

Leah

            Noah stops the water running in the sink and stands there quietly for a minute.  I watch him grab the towel that is draped over the edge and dry his hands.  I sit on the counter with my glass of wine in one hand and the other tightly gripping the edge so that I don’t run to him and beg him to hold me.  My heart is so broken right now I begin to fear it will never be fixed.

            He spreads the towel back out and turns to rest his back against the counter beside me.  His arms are crossed and he is looking down at the floor.  I hold my breath waiting to hear what he has to say.  I know that what I want to hear will not cross his lips so I sit in suspense waiting for him to step on the broken pieces of my heart.  His eyes look sad when he finally looks into mine.

            “Is that what you want, Leah?”  I’m not sure what I was expecting, but I shouldn’t be surprised that in this moment he is a friend to me.  He is someone who cares what’s in my heart and what I want.  I feel my lips curl into a small smile but just ask quickly the pain and confusion I feel about Lyle rolls through me and washes it away. 

            “I don’t know anymore.”  I sip from my wine and look away to gather my thoughts.  It feels like his eyes could pierce through me and see straight into my soul.  “Until the minute he called today it was.”  I laugh without humor and shake my head, “What if you’re right?”  My head turns towards him as I wait for his answer.  When he just looks away I continue, “What if I am just prolonging what’s inevitable?  Maybe we will have another year.  Maybe two, but in the end will I wish I was healed from him instead of just starting then?”

            Noah reaches for his wine and takes a drink.  Walking over to me he sets it down and then pulls me into his arms.  “You won’t know unless you try.  Maybe I’ve been looking at relationships all wrong.  I’ve been focused on the end and not the in between.  Maybe those years you have with him will be the best years of your life.  The end doesn’t mean the time together was any less valuable.” He pulls back so that he can look me in the eyes.  His hands slide down my arms before falling to his side. 

            “I don’t know if I can do this again.  He was my world and he was able to just walk away.  If he does it again it might break me.  I thought I really knew him and I guess that is the part that hurts the most.  The Lyle I knew wouldn’t have done that to me. I’m not really sure if I am willing to give it another shot because I’m in love with him or because I haven’t yet learned to live with out him.”

            Noah’s hand sweeps my cheek and brushes off a tear that managed to escape.  His smile is empathetic and warm.  “I’m afraid I don’t have the answer to that.  Only you can figure it out.”  I close my eyes and take a big breath but it does nothing to relax the tightness in my chest.  He kisses my forehead and walks back to the sink.  The sound of the water fills the room around us as he finishes washing the vegetables. 

            “I thought you were supposed to tell me the answers.  What kind of a psychologist are you anyway?” I tease.  He chuckles before shutting off the water and grabbing a cutting board and knife. 

            “A good one.  We aren’t supposed to tell you the answers.  Our job is just to help you find your own.  Imagine handing me a map and asking if you were going in the right direction.  It is not my job to show you which road to take, but I could help you see all the possible routes.  If you are unhappy where you end up, I can help you figure out how you got there and where you might have had the choice to make a different turn.” 

            The knife is slicing through the vegetables as he speaks.  The sound is almost soothing in it’s methodical rhythm.  I sip my wine and when the glass is empty Noah fills it up again.  “What happens if someone comes to you with a map but doesn’t even know where they are?”  I hop off the counter and grab his usual frying pan.  In the refrigerator I find the butter and then slice a few pieces in the pan.  He isn’t far behind me with the veggies and we both laugh when we reach for the same mixing spoon. 

            “Seriously Noah, what would you do then?”  I beat him to the spoon and hold it up to him.  His hand wraps around the handle and grazes mine as he gently tugs it from my grip.  His face is serious as he stands before me. 

            “I would tell that person to stop pretending they don’t know where they are.  Being ignorant to where you are in your life doesn’t get you anywhere except more lost.  Look all around yourself and at every part of who you are.  The signs are everywhere Leah.  If you just look for them you’ll see that they have been there all along.  You either chose to ignore them or you followed them right to the place where you feel the most unhappy.”

            I say nothing as I release the spoon.  He is absolutely right.  Looking back I can see all of the signs.  I just chose to pretend they weren’t there or that they meant something different.  Now I wonder if he lives by the same advice.  “So I guess that means that you have your route all figured out.”  He stirs the veggies and then turns around and rests against the counter.

            “I thought I did.  Lately I have been thinking that maybe I don’t know where the fuck I’m going either.”  He grabs his wine and takes a sip.  His eyes meet mine again and he smiles.  “I’ve been wanting to go exploring.  Find a new route I’ve never traveled before and just see where it takes me.”  I love that idea and feel like begging him to take me along for the journey. 

            “I think your study is messing with my mind, Noah.  I used to be such a huge believer in love lasting forever, but now all I can see is the end.  Lyle is coming this weekend and I should be happy about that.  It’s what I have wanted.  I’ve been praying that I can get him out of my heart.  Evict him from my daily thoughts and heal from the pain he’s caused me.  Now he wants to work things out and I’m not sure if he can have the space in my heart he once filled.”

            Noah fills my glass again and just waits quietly for me to take a sip.  I love the way he listens to me, and how he thinks about his advice before he gives it.  It’s like having the perfect best friend; only I want the security of his arms wrapped around me and the image of him embracing the woman today washed from my thoughts.  “I used to pray for that too, Leah.  I prayed that something could push her from my soul and heart.  I lived for years thinking that there would never be room for anyone else with her ghost still living there, but I was wrong.  When I wasn’t even paying attention a beautiful presence slipped right in. 

            “I can’t tell you what to do about Lyle, but I can tell you not to be afraid that someone else can’t love you.  I’ll even bet you that it will happen one day without you even knowing it.”  He grabs his glass from the counter and raises it in a toast.  I smile at his playfulness and raise mine to meet his.  “To falling in love again,” he says as he clinks our glasses together.  I take a big sip and close my eyes as I think to myself…if only he knew that I already have.  

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