Chapter 15

Leah

            It’s been two weeks since I first woke up in Noah’s arms.  We were on the couch and I had fallen asleep watching TV with him.  When he shifted to get more comfortable, I woke up and quickly realized I was still in his arms.  For the briefest of moments I considered standing up, but then I noticed the heaviness of my heartbreak felt lighter with his arms wrapped around me.  I closed my eyes again and let myself drift back to sleep wrapped in the comfort and security of his arms. 

            During the week we do not get to spend too much time together at the apartment since I have classes and he is working on his dissertation and also does something with one of the psychology professors on campus.  I’m not sure exactly what his position there is, but I know that it fulfills some requirement of his degree.  I would be lying if I didn’t say that sometimes I practically sprint home to get an extra minute of his time. 

            I check in on my apartment daily, and I feel some sadness at how quickly it is coming together.  I love living with Noah and I am worried that my dreams of being happy in an apartment of my own is not going to be what I thought it was.  There’s just something fantastic about sitting on the counter in the kitchen with a glass of wine while Noah cooks us dinner.  I’m not sure I’m ever going to want to give that up.

            I’m not exactly sure what you would call the relationship that Noah and I have right now.  It is definitely a friendship, we are learning more about each other everyday.  It’s also something a little more than that too.  I feel myself drawn to him and in some way in tuned to his thoughts already.  I know it isn’t a romantic relationship in the traditional sense, but it is fulfilling a need in me to be nurtured and cared for.  It also feels like a deeper form of companionship that any other friendship I have ever experienced. 

            Noah has become the first person I text when something funny happens or I need to vent.  When my phone chimes I feel a small rush when I think it might be from him.  I know that all new relationships elicit a feeling of excitement, but what I feel being connected to him is significantly more exaggerated than a simple skip of my heart.  I love that he makes me smile, can comfort me at my darkest times, and simply is genuine with his words. 

            Lyle isn’t forgotten.  The pain of what has happened between us is still raw.  He reaches out from time to time to make sure I am ok.  I’m beginning to understand that we had a relationship built on dependence.  He’s struggling to be happy when I’m so hurt, but I guess it is just taking us a long time to realize that making me happy is not his responsibility.  It’s mine. 

            Friday on campus is always my favorite.  Only the serious students are on campus as the others have cleared out for the weekend.  I’m just leaving my last class when my phone chimes. 

Noah: I have some good news.

Me: What is it?

Noah:  Your bed arrived today.  I had them put it in the extra bedroom.

This of course is excellent news, but it doesn’t feel that way.  We’ve fallen into a comfortable routine of sleeping in his bed each night.  It has only been a week, but I look forward to us climbing in and talking about many things.  I love the way he props his head so he can look at me as I tell him about things I don’t usually discuss with any one. 

            Hearing him open up to me feels so rewarding.  I’m honored that I have become an important player in his inner circle.  He tells me so many things from his childhood to the newest rumor in his department.  Sometimes we stay up so late talking I worry I’m going to fall asleep mid sentence.  When we have said everything we need to, the spaces between our stories become greater and greater until he offers me his arm and I lay my head on his chest. 

            I realize I have been lost in my own thoughts when my phone chimes again.

Noah: Everything ok?

Me: Yes.  Sorry.  I got distracted.  That’s great.  Thanks.

Noah:  So I will see you soon?

Me: On my way.

            When I finally reach his apartment I feel a sadness descend on me.  I want to open the door with my key and drop my bags in his room.  It’s become our room.  Then I want to put on a pair of yoga pants and accept the glass of wine I know he’s going to offer me.  Then I want to hop up on the counter and study him as he cooks.  I guess the thing that is holding me back is knowing that most of all I want to follow him to bed and talk to him until I fall asleep on his chest. 

            Taking in a big breath and putting on a fake smile, I open the door so I can  try hard to convince him that I’m ok.  After all, he is the one that said my bed being delivered was good news.   Any thought of him feeling the same way I do was dashed the moment I realized he said it that way.  I guess he should.  Playing house with him had to come to an end eventually. 

            “Noah?” I call out when I don’t find him in the kitchen.  There’s an eerie quiet I’m not used to.

            “In your room,” I hear him call to me.  It’s pathetic that it hurts to hear him call it that.  It used to be the extra room, but now it is the place I’m going to have to go.  I bring my bags with my as I make my way down the small hall and into the bedroom.  Noah is sitting on the edge of the bed with his head hung low.  When he hears me enter he pops his head up and smiles wide, but it isn’t the genuine crooked smile I’m used to. 

            “The delivery guys just left.  I hope everything is ok with it.  They couldn’t wait for you to come so they had me sign off that it was acceptable.”  He looks behind him to my bed and then down to the floor for a second before lifting his eyes to mine.  I’d give anything to know what he was thinking right now.  I can sense some hesitation and my heart is building with the hope that maybe he isn’t happy about this either. 

            “I’m sure it’s fine.  Thanks for doing that for me.”  I let my bags drop to the floor at the foot of the bed and then turn and sit next to him.  My mind is buzzing with a million thoughts as I feel him accidently brush up against me.  We sit for a minute in the quiet before he blows out a big breath and looks up to the ceiling. 

            “Leah?” His voice is unsteady and I look at him as he drops his eyes back to mine.  When we are looking at each other he continues, “I’m happy that the landlord is making this right for you.  I’m thrilled that they’re compensating you for what happened.  I’m even impressed that the delivery guys let me know they had already been tipped for their time.” I feel his hand take mine as his eyes fall to where we are joined.  “But if I’m being honest, I hate that you aren’t going to be in my bed anymore.  I guess somewhere along the way I got really used to your company and now that it’s being taken from me I feel disappointed.  You probably think I’m a dick because this is a great thing for you.  I’m sorry.” 

            I squeeze his hand tight for a second and then use my free hand to run my thumb along his brow.  I don’t think he had even noticed the wrinkle he gets when he is worried about something.  I smile at him and then tip my head and rest it on his shoulder.  “You have no idea how happy I am that you said that.”  I feel his shoulder relax under my head and I’m aware how stressed he has been about sharing his feelings with me. 

            “So you won’t move out of my room right away?”  I can feel him looking at me so I lift my head to meet his eyes.

            “No, Noah.  I enjoy that time with you also.  Besides,” I start joking, “I bed this bed would be so cold and uncomfortable.  Yours is perfect.”  His crooked smile is back and the tightness in my chest loosens. 

            “That’s because mine is broken in,” he says with a wink.

            “Yuck.  Don’t remind me,” I tease.  Noah shrugs his shoulders and then pulls me to him and kisses my forehead.

            “I would be totally game for helping you break this one in,” he says, earning him a punch to the arm.  It’s in that perfect moment between us that I realize he hasn’t been keeping any company besides me since that first morning.  Maybe he’s meeting them somewhere else.  I won’t dare ask because it isn’t my business, but the small chance that I’m enough even without sex helps to heal a part of my heart that was fractured when Lyle left me. 

            A few weeks ago my life got tipped upside down.  Everything I’d worked so hard to achieve seemed meaningless when I had no one to share it with.  I thought that someone had to be Lyle, but I was wrong.  Sharing my highs and lows with Noah feels so much more meaningful.  I trust him to be honest with me and to take care of my heart and soul.  He opened his home to me and has supported me through this rough time.  He may not be the “forever” I’m looking for, but right now being friends with him feels pretty amazing.  

            Noah lifts our clasped hands to his mouth and presses a soft kiss on my hand.  “I’d like to pour you a glass of wine and help you up the counter.  What I’ve learned today is that I find a lot of enjoyment in our little routine.  The thought of something changing that had me freaking out.  I know it can’t stay this way forever, but I’m not ready to let you go yet.”