As we left March behind us, we'd found our way back into some kind of normalcy. I didn't get around to asking about my position with Cameron again. I wasn't even sure I wanted it anymore. He knew about Gabriel's violence, and that was far too dangerous. I feared his questions, but more than anything, I feared the dreams I had about him far too often. I knew it was wrong on so many levels. Forbidden touches and secret kisses conjured by my mind when I had no control. It was thoroughly unfair to Gabriel, but it was impossible to get rid of those dreams no matter how hard I tried. My only option was to ignore them while I was awake.

Another reason for staying far away from Cameron was a less comfortable one. I couldn't afford to set off Gabriel on another rampage when we were finally doing better. I was slowly learning how to adjust, and I was rewarded through soft spoken words and tender touches.

I'd also tried to salvage my friendship with Chris. Although we both had made attempts to hang out, he was acting strangely around me—as if he didn't know what to say or when. I felt the same at times. There was this gap between us that hadn't existed before, a gap that I had placed there with my repeated lies. Living with him became a struggle, and the only time I really relaxed was when I spent time within Gabriel's embrace.

"What are you up to tonight?" Chris asked, cleaning up the trash on his nightstand. He paused when he realized that the bag of M&M's wasn't entirely empty and shoved a red one into his mouth. "Want one?"

"Nah, I'm fine, thanks." I didn't have a good answer to the first question. The easiest reply was to say that I had things going on, but on the other hand, I should spend some down time with my friend. Regardless of the tension, I still wanted to save our relationship.

"So, about tonight?" Chris asked again.

"Don't know." I had better ask Gabriel before I decided.

"Thought we could chill. Watch a movie or something." Chris slumped onto his bed, throwing the empty packet of M&M's in the bin.

"Just have to check."

I could almost hear him asking 'check what?', but he didn't comment. I was fairly certain he was well aware I was seeing someone. He'd hinted as much.

I typed a short but sweet message to Gabriel and pressed send.

"What do you wanna see if you're free?" he asked.

"Something nice."

He laughed, but it was a strained one. "That's not much to go on." Even so, he placed the laptop in his knee and checked Netflix.

"So, Netflix and chill, huh?" I joked.

This time, the laughter leaving his lips was of another kind. It bubbled up from his belly and echoed something from my childhood. I remembered me and my sister running around in the garden on a warm summer's day. We had a sprinkler for the lawn, and it made a great partner in our adventure. Laughter rang in the air, both from us and from our parents who'd sat on the porch. I hadn't talked to them in a while. It was too hard to keep up the lies. I did speak with my sister sometimes, checking how she and Alicia were doing.

My phone vibrated softly in my palm, breaking of my train of thought.

I'm going out tonight.

Letting out a sigh, I slumped my shoulders in defeat. I shouldn't have been disappointed, especially since I wanted some time with Chris, but the short message was enough to plant a small seed of worry. Was he mad at me?

"So, no movie tonight?"

I looked up at Chris, wondering how he had come to that conclusion. "No. I mean, yes. We can watch something. It would be nice." I tried a smile, keeping it up for a few seconds before I let it go.

"Awesome. I'm tired of waiting for Dante to get a chance to call me. I need to do something." He shook his head. "I'm seriously pathetic. I mean, I'll see him during spring break."

My smile was easier to hold on to this time. Gabriel had told me he had something planned for the two of us, which made my stomach flutter in excitement. I couldn't wait, especially since the recess was ridiculously late at our university. It should be outlawed to have it in April.

"Are you going somewhere?" I asked.

"I don't know. Nothing firm yet. Won't matter where we go, though. Just seeing him again will be awesome."

"I can see that." I smiled at his goofy grin and the way his eyes sparkled with love. They were sweet together.

Chris brought his laptop to my bed and sat beside me. "So, what do you want to see?" He scrolled through some alternatives, asking what I'd seen and if I had suggestions. Unfortunately, he had seen most of the movies I suggested.

"Are you going home over spring break?" he asked as he continued to scroll.

"No. I have other plans."

"Let me guess, you can't tell me."

My insides burned at his comment. Shame and irritation all in one. I didn't reply.

"You haven't seen your folks in a while, though. Your mom called me the other day because she couldn't reach you."

"She what?" Blood rushed from my face, leaving me ice cold.

"She called me. You remember giving her my number when your phone was funky last semester?"

I did remember that, but I never thought Mom would call Chris like that. "What did you talk about?"

"She asked if you're okay. She said something about not hearing your voice as often these days." He continued to scroll, his gaze focused on the screen.

I wasn't surprised. Vera had said that Mom worried—which was another reason to keep away. My sister had voiced her concerns as well, and no matter what I told her, she'd refused to believe me when I said I was fine. It was even more difficult to keep up the lies with her. She was perceptive. Gabriel wouldn't let me tell them yet, though, saying we were getting there, but that he needed more time. I had to respect that.

"I'll be right back," I said, rising from the bed to flee into the bathroom. I needed a second to breathe. Hands clenched around the sink, I met my gaze in the mirror. Wide eyes, skin too pale. My freckles stood out in the harsh light, and it felt like I could see right through myself.

Translucent.

If only.

I wanted to disappear, but I was too old to run away and hide from the truth. Mom missed me. I missed her. I missed so many things that I'd done before Gabriel came back into my life, requiring so much love and attention that I had none left for others.

"Adam?" Chris called.

I turned on the tap and soaked my hands in cold water. It gave me a few more seconds of reprieve. Splashing my face, I tried to rinse away the traces of panic. I was stronger than this, that's what Cameron had said.

The mirror returned an image of myself that bore little resemblance to the former me. Focused rather than fraying at the edges. I didn't need to excuse myself in front of Chris because he didn't understand. He didn't know how much I fought to keep Gabriel together on this difficult journey out of the closet.

Soft footsteps closed the distance between my bed and the door. I opened it before Chris had time to knock. "Have you picked anything?" I asked.

Chris' eyes narrowed. "Fine, I'm not allowed to care about how you're doing, or why your mom is worried. You know what, I'm tired of tip-toeing around you, Adam. We used to be friends, but this..." He gestured between us. "I'm not sure this is friendship anymore."

"Just because we're friends, you have the right to know everything?" I snapped.

Chris shook his head. "I don't know. You're not the same these days. Can't you tell me what's going on? I really want to know what's wrong."

"No, I can't tell you. Don't you think I would have by now?" The anger wrapped itself around my chest, coiling my muscles until the adrenaline turned sour. It festered in the pit of my soul, shutting every door that had previously been open between us.

He deflated, averting his eyes. "I'll sleep in Samantha's room tonight. See you tomorrow."

It was probably for the best, but it still hurt to realize how messed up everything was between us. I had lost him, and the only guy who could possibly comfort me didn't want to see me tonight.

When Chris closed the door, I fell onto my bed, fighting the tears that threatened to unravel the faltering control I had left.

A/N @Soul_to_keep has written a beautiful poem based on this story. You can find it on their page :)