Total Drama All-Stars Re-Write
Episode 10: You Regatta Be Kidding Me
Re-written and Edited by Joey Turner and Tanya Furness

Chris: (Voiceover, recounting last episode's clips) Last time on Total Drama, a brutal teens vs. mutants fisticuffs free-for-all, proved beyond all doubt, that these guys will do ANYTHING for a million bucks. Even newly re-friended Courtney and Gwen had to battle it out (Chuckles). Owen finally stood up to Mike... or WAS it Mike? Which went about as well as you think it would for the big guy. The villains ruled victorious; but, in a last minute twist, the villains got to send a loser hero home, and the heroes got to send a winner villain to exile. So, it was see you tomorrow, Alejandro, and see you never, Sierra!

(Cut to Chris standing on top of the Flush of Shame)

Chris: Only eleven players remain, and none of them are ready for how everything is about to change. Right here, right now, on Total Drama All-Stars! Um.... How do I get down from here? ...CHEEEEEEEF!!!!!

(Opening credits)

(Cut to Courtney and Gwen in their room at the spa hotel just waking up)

Gwen: (Yawns and sighs peacefully) I just dreamt I was at junior prom, and I set fire to Angelina from art class' dress! (Chuckles, then notices Courtney looking confused at her) ...what? Watching that prissy little cow go up in flames makes ME feel warm and fuzzy! (Both of them laugh, Courtney walks over and sits on the side of the bed) A couple of days ago, I was barely holding on in this game. (Puts a hand on Courtney's shoulder) Now that we're friends again, I never want it to end!

Courtney: I hope we make it to the finale together!

Gwen: What about Scott?

Courtney: He's cool and all, but like you said, you gotta put friends first.

Gwen: Awww...

Gwen/Courtney: If I don't win the million bucks, I hope you do!

(Confessional: Gwen/Courtney)

(Both confessionals are next to each other)

Gwen/Courtney: And I mean it, too!

(Confessional: Gwen)

Gwen: ok, I was afraid to say this to her, but if I DID win, I want to split the money with her AND Duncan. Not too sure she's fully all right with us dating just yet. (Swooned) it was amazing the way Duncan stood up for me at the ring. Hope he's doing all right; he's starting to take this whole "I'm a bad boy" thing a bit too far. Of course it doesn't help that SOMEONE keeps egging him on, (Glares at the camera) Chris!!

(Confessional ends)

(Cut to the boys' room, Scott holding a glass up to the wall of his room)

Cameron: Good morning, Scott!

Scott: (Glaring) No, it's not. These walls are way too thick! Speak up!

Cameron: Well, as long as Sierra is far, far away, I'm good! (Lays back down in the bed)

Scott: (Smirking deviously) Don't be too sure. Just cause she's gone, don't mean you're safe. (Cameron opens his eyes wide in fear)

(Confessional: Cameron)

Cameron (Scared) Being on the villains team is so nerve-wracking! Why did Chris put me on the villains team in the first place?! ...(Gasps) you don't think he knows about the time I was a day late returning my library books, do you?

(Confessional: Scott)

Scott: (Annoyed) I had to throw him off. The heroes are taking over the villains' team! Noah and Duncan are gone and all nicey-nice, Gwen's a wannabe, and with Cameron and Courtney, me and Alejandro are outnumbered! If I were back home right now, I'd be barricading myself in the cellar with enough potatoes and toilet paper to last till the next millennium!

(Confessional: Noah)

Noah: do I care that I'm not a villain anymore? ...No, not really. Don't get me wrong; being a hero isn't a prize either. If I hear Zoey talk about how CUTE Dawn and I are together ONE MORE TIME, it may be time for me to die. And Mike? ...Yeah, not exactly trusting mister tall-tan-and-quirky. Well, at least I've still got Owen and Dawn to keep me sane-ish. (Smirks) A lot saner than Duncan right now, anyway.

(Confessional: Duncan)

Duncan: (Looking worried) Everyone thinks I've gone soft and lost my edge! (Looks menacing) I'll show them who's gone soft, I'll show 'em all!

(Confessional ends)

(Cut to Duncan outside the loser cabin holding a purple spray can and shaking it)

Duncan: How 'bout a classic skull and crossbones! (Snickers and starts painting on the wall)

Zoey: (Walks up behind him) Awwww, what a cute bunny!

Duncan: (Groans) Don't call me that!

Zoey: (Confused) I was talking about your painting!

Duncan: huh? (Looks at his spray painted graffiti skull, which does indeed resemble a bunny) It's not a bunny; it's emotional graffiti! (He tosses the can at the wall; it rebounds and hits him in the head. Walks away grumbling) Agh, I'll show them... (Grumbles) Whatever! (Notices Chef's jeep and gasps) That's it! I'll drive Chef's ride into the ocean! (Jumps into the car happily) Then we'll see who's not a delinquent! (He starts the car, only to have it sputter out) Huh... must be something with the starter... Let's see... (He opens the hood up and looks inside, fiddling with the motor until it roars back to life)

Chris: (Over the intercom, Duncan looks up) Attention, campers! Please gather around front; right where Duncan's being all ...sweet.

(Everyone, including Alejandro, gathers around the jeep)

Duncan: (Growls) no I'm not!

Chef: Duncan, you fixed my Jeep! You're a good kid. (He drives off)

(Confessional: Duncan)

Duncan: (Groans and facepalms) man I can NOT catch a break today!!!!

(Confessional ends)

(Owen sluggishly walks out of the loser cabin, Mal smirking evilly behind him)

Mal: (Shouts right behind Owen imitating Mike) MORNING, OWEN!!!

(Owen shrieks in fear and leaps off the porch, heading straight for Noah)

Noah: ...why do I even look? (Owen lands on top of him, sending him into the ground) Owen, remember that little talk we had about "personal space?"

Owen: (Awkwardly gets off of Noah) oops, sorry, Noah.

Zoey: (Concerned) Owen, this is the third day in a row you've been spooked by something. Is it because of what happened with you and Mike?

Noah: (Gets up and dusts himself off) oh noooo, Owen totally likes it when escaped mental patients smack his girlfriends around and then beat his face in.

Owen: (Whispering) Noah, ixnay on the arcasmsay.

Mal: (Feigning innocence) It was an accident, I swear I just lost control. But it won't happen again, (Puts his arm around Owen, causing him to flinch; smiling creepily) I mean I'd NEVER want to hurt my big chubby buddy; right, Owen... (Quietly slips into his real voice) pal?

Owen: (Frightened) uh.... sure, buddy. I know you'd NEVER hurt me. (Chuckles nervously; whispers through his teeth towards Noah) heeelp meeee. (Noah notices this and looks concerned)

(Confessional: Noah)

Noah: aaand this proves my point, as usual. What is it about Mike that's got the big goof so spooked? Wait, that night Brick brought Owen back all wounded, did Mike do that? Well, 5 or so brains in his head, one of them is bound to go rotten! I've got my eye on you, Multi-creep!

(Confessional: Owen)

(Owen rocks back and forth, squeaking in fear)

(Confessional ends)

(Gwen walks up to Duncan and puts a hand on his shoulder)

Gwen: Hey, bad boy. (Snickers)

Duncan: (Moves Gwen's hand away) not in the mood, babe.

Gwen: (hurt a little) I'm sorry, babe; I was just kidding.

Duncan: yeah? Well I'm not! Everyone, including CHRIS, thinks I've lost my edge! They're all just a bunch of.... Mommy Fuzzybears!!!! (Groans) I'm gonna need you to shoot me!

Gwen: No can do, babe, I like you better alive. And I think you're making a big deal out of nothing!

Duncan: Am I? I'm basically the new DJ! I've cried my eyes out for stupid birds; I've fixed things instead of breaking them-

Gwen: -And you stood by me all season!! And now I'm gonna do the same for you; because no matter what, you're still my favorite bad boy.

Duncan: (Smiles weakly) thanks, Pasty. Though, is it wrong to want to... oh I don't know, take Chris' head off?

Gwen: (chuckles) After all the crap he put us through; if wanting to take Chris' head off is wrong, then I don't want to be right!

(They both chuckle then look lovingly at each other)

Cameron: (Walks up to Alejandro) Wow, you survived a whole night on Boney Island without so much as a scratch? I'm impressed! How'd you pull it off?

Alejandro: (Smirking) It is all about attitude.

(Cut to Boney Island last night; a bear roars at Alejandro, only to stop when he speaks up)

Alejandro: My, your breath is powerful! (Puts his hand under the bears chin) It is almost as compelling as your eyes! (He smiles a flirty smile, pink hearts in the background. The bear's eyes twinkle as it falls to the ground) The only eyes more beautiful than yours are those of that gopher! (Motions over to a defenseless non-mutant gopher, who looks at him, entranced; only to have the bear lunge at him and chase after him) Survival was easy.

(Cut back to the present)

Alejandro: (smirking) Also, I have a special way with animals.

(Chris pulls Cameron aside and gets next to Alejandro with the bullhorn)

Chris: (Yells through the bullhorn in Alejandro's ear) ENOUGH WITH THE SELF-PROMOTION, AL! I have a big announcement! Today, the teams are being merged! (Everyone gasps)

Gwen: wait, last night you said the teams WEREN'T merging!

Chris: yyyeeeaaaaaahhh, guess what?

Contestants: (Groaning and rolling their eyes) you lied?

Chris: yep. (Chuckles) what can I say; it's my favorite bad habit. From now on, challenges are for 'individual' winners only. And EVERYONE is at risk of getting the not-so royal flush! (His phone rings) I have to take this; it's my stylist. (Puts the phone to his ear) Yeah, how come my socks don't match my shirt? (Walks away)

Dawn: (Walks up to Noah and Owen. Clears throat) my dear Noah, and my hopeful dear friend Owen; I hope that we may form an alliance with each other now that our team is no more.

Owen: (Shocked and delighted) you want me to be in an alliance with you two? (Chuckles delightedly) But still, why me?

Dawn: well, Noah and I have already had our souls united in passion...

Noah: whoa, easy their, hon; my little cousins are watching this show... while my aunt's not looking.

Dawn: (Giggles) –and I figured it is time that I became friends with one of my dear Noah's closest comrades.

Noah: plus, it'd be nice to be in an alliance with someone who DOESN'T want to kill me.

Owen: (Gasps in delight) you really want me in an alliance? Whoo-hooo!!! THIS IS AWESOME!!! (Pulls Dawn and Noah into a bear hug) A dude, dude, and chick alliance!!

(Dawn giggles and Noah grunts)

Noah: oh boy, the hugs continue.

(Confessional: Dawn)

Dawn: I also hope this alliance will be able to give Owen the comfort in knowing he can tell my dear Noah about Mal. I also worry for Zoey; I hope those tarot cards I helped her make will help.

(Confessional ends)

Zoey: (To Cameron, Mal standing between them) Stick together no matter what?

Cameron: Friendship finale version 2.0 here we come!

Mal: (Awkwardly) Hey, um, can I get in on that?

(Zoey and Cameron both nod)

Cameron: Of course!

(Confessional: Cameron)

Cameron: (Nervously) For now...

(Confessional: Zoey)

Zoey: Duncan thinks Mike's just an alternate personality for an evil guy he met in Juvie named Mal. Well maybe Mal is one of Mike's alternate personalities, but no way is it the other way around! Anyway, I THINK Mike's in control again. Let's ask the tarot! (Pulls out a deck of crudely-made tarot cards) Dawn taught me how to make these. So, what's next for Mike? (She picks out three cards and shows them to the camera. One card shows a dejected man in chains, the second a dark tower, and the third a creepy leprechaun) The Lonely Prisoner, Creepy Tower, (Sounds confused) and the Evil Leprechaun? (The cards scatter all over the confessional) I couldn't remember all the cards, so I made a few up!

(Confessional: Mal)

Mal: It's sooo easy to imitate Mike. Not even Zoey has a clue I'm not him, and I've got Owen too scared stiff to tell anyone. I should have done this YEARS ago. (He chuckles darkly as the camera zooms into his brain)

(Confessional ends)

(Cut to inside Mike/Mal's brain, Mike still tugging away at the rock)

Mike: (Grunts in exhaustion) Man, what a drag! (Looks up in fear) ooh, wait. (The camera shifts to reveal an ominous tower growing straight out of the ground, spikes coming out at awkward angles and a big glowing light at the top) What's with the top of that tower? It kind of looks like-

(Suddenly, a series of floating question marks fly right past him, each one saying "who?" Mike grabs one of them and uses it to slice through his chain)

Mike: Yes!

Question marks: Why?

Mike: (Ecstatic) Because!

(Mike runs off, a few feet later he comes across a stand made out of brain matter, Chester, his old man personality, is chained to it)

Mike: Chester! Are you... (Notices the stand's logo, which is a silhouette of Mal's face over a skateboard) Selling skateboards?

Chester: (Walks up to Mike, chained to the stall by his ankle, holding a skateboard) Eh, it was Mal's idea.

Mike: (Gasps with an idea) Maybe you can help me fight him and get control of my mind again!

Chester: Who, Mal? Ooh, why he's the whippiest snapper whippersnapper that ever snapped a-

Mike: Chester! Will you help me?

Chester: (Thinks for a second, then smiles) Eh, what the heck, I'm with yah, Mike! (Hands Mike the skateboard. Mike slams it against the chain, breaking it)

Mike: Alright, let's go! To the weird creepy tower! (Runs off)

Chester: Yeaahhhhhohhhh boy... (Slowly walks after him) This is gonna probably end badly.

(Cut back to the campgrounds)

Chris: Mhhm, yeah! (Walks in front of the camera wearing a captain's hat, shuts his phone) Guy thinks I'm colorblind, AS IF! Anywho, (Stands in front of his TV with a map of the island on it) today's challenge is a regatta around the island.

Duncan: A re-whatta?

Chris: (Annoyed) Regatta, it's a boat race?

Duncan: So why didn't you say that?

Chris: Because I'm classy, hello!

(Confessional: Gwen)

Gwen: if Chris is classy, then I'm the prime minister of Canada... (Thinks for a bit) though it WOULD be cool to tell people to wear black... and to burn everything pink.

(Confessional ends)

(The TV monitor shows an animation of 11 icons with the players' faces going around the island)

Chris: The first person to circumnavigate the entire island wins immunity, and a night at the spa hotel. Don't worry; Chef will keep things interesting by providing some 'obstacles' for you. (Chris chuckles, as everyone looks nervous. The monitor shows 10 boats) Some of the boats are seaworthy. (Two of the boats sink) Some are sink-errific.

Owen: Wait-wait-wait! There are only 10 boats there!

Noah: It's in Chris' contract; he doesn't get paid to make the games "fair."

Chris: true that. And, they're all first come, first serve. Starting... (Yells into his bullhorn) NOW! (Everyone cheers and heads straight for the dock)

Courtney: (Running with Gwen) Come on Gwen, let's go!

Duncan: (Running up behind them) Hey, can I be part of your alliance?

(Gwen smiles hopefully, but Courtney glares at him)

Courtney: (Annoyed) Why?

Duncan: I could use some allies, and I can protect you from people like Mike!

(Mal, Zoey, and Cameron run behind, innocently)

Courtney: Ha! Like he's a threat.

Gwen: well, he WAS vicious to Izzy and Owen in yesterday's fight.

Courtney: true, but he could've just gotten the eye of the tiger for these challenges, believe me I know a thing or two about the eye of the tiger. (Looks away awkwardly)

Duncan: I'm telling you, he's dangerous! I knew him back in Juvie when his name was Mal!

(Gwen looks nervous; Courtney just bursts out laughing as she runs ahead)

Gwen: (Looks worried) sorry about... her. She's still kind of...

Duncan: (Rolls eyes) Whatever. I don't care what she thinks. It's YOU I'm worried about! (Gwen smiles, then runs to catch up with Courtney)

(Confessional: Courtney)

Courtney: He thinks NOODLE-ARMS is a threat? Pah-lease! The guy's a wild card with his multiple personalities, but the real Mike's about as hardcore as butter. So... (Chuckles again)

(Confessional: Gwen)

Gwen: as weird as it sounded out loud, he WAS trying to warn us. (Scowls) NOT cool, Courtney. (Looks around) she can't see me, right?

(Confessional ends)

(Along the Dock of Shame there waiting are 2 speedboats, a rusty powerboat, a rowboat, a rubber raft, a wooden raft, the boat of losers, a swan paddleboat, the Swedish ship, and a basket canoe. Alejandro runs across the dock and jumps into the first speedboat)

Chris: And Alejandro takes the lead!

(Courtney and Gwen quickly catch up and jump into the other, whooping)

Chris: (Flies into frame on his jetpack) And Courtney and Gwen team up by choice! Despite the whole "only one person wins" thing... interesting!

(Owen, Noah, and Dawn run onto the dock next)

Owen: ooh! The old ship from Sweden! Ooh, let's take THAT ONE!!! I wanna be captain of the Vikings again! (Chuckles; speaks like a pirate) AAAARRRR, MATEY! It'll be deck-swabbing bottles of fun!!!

Noah: No can do, Mr. Sparrow. It won't go without the sail (Points out the missing sail) and neither of us has the arm power to row it.

Dawn: (Addressing the swan boat) well, we could always use this one.

(Owen applauds the boat)

Noah: (Deadpan) yeah, because nothing says victory like a pretty little swan boat.

Dawn: (Half-closes her eyes) well, the swans are the avian symbols of love. (Noah blushes furiously)

Noah: (Embarrassed) you do NOT play fair.... I like that. But YOU'RE handling the navigation! (Dawn nods eagerly and leaps onto the swan, holding onto the neck) Owen, I hope those legs aren't just shapely, 'cus WE'RE paddling!

Owen: don't you worry, buddy; underneath this adorable fat is a workload of muscle! (Chuckles, as he and Noah get in the boat and start paddling)

Chris: and our new trio takes off... on a pretty birdy boat! (Chuckles)

(Mal (With his hair flipped back down) suddenly jumps into the powerboat, and punches the controls causing them to spark and sputter. He jumps to the rowboat, grabs its anchor, and sends it straight through the bottom, causing the boat to sink. He then leaps to the rubber raft, pulls the plug, and lets the air out of it. He jumps on the grass canoe causing it to break apart, and finally jumps into the Boat of Losers)

Zoey: (Calls out as she and Cameron run up to the boat) Mike! (Mal puts his hair back up and takes off with the Boat of Losers) Oh... (Points to the powerboat) He left us the powerboat! (She and Cameron jump in the powerboat and turn on the ignition, only for it to sputter and suddenly sink. Cameron glares at the sheepish-looking Zoey) It was already rusty...

Cameron: (Points to the wooden raft) Guess the raft will have to do!

(Cut to both of them on the raft holding large sticks for oars; Scott and Duncan jump on the raft)

Cameron: Hey, get your own boat!

Duncan: This is the only one that floats!

Zoey: No time to debate, let's go! And start paddling! (Scott and Duncan paddle with their arms while Zoey and Cameron use the sticks as oars)

Chris: (Jetpacks into view) And the riff-raff ride the rickety raft! (Chuckles) I am hilarious!

(Cut to Alejandro smugly speeding along, only to have his speedboat's motor give a sad sputter and suddenly shut down)

Alejandro: Ai, no! (Pushes the ignition over and over) nononononono!

(Mal speeds by in the Boat of Losers)

Chris: (Hovers overhead) And Mike takes the lead! But, will he keep it all the way through Coconut Alley?

Mal: Coconut Alley? (A coconut bonks him on the head, sending his hair down to its normal state) Ow!

(Pan up to reveal Chef in the hot air balloon, sending a bucket of coconuts down. Mal ducks back into the cockpit before they lands. Cut to Gwen and Courtney on their boat)

Chris: Courtney and Gwen reach Coconut Alley!

(Chef chuckles darkly as he sends another bucket of coconuts down)

Courtney: (Looks up nervously) Uh oh... What's that? (The entire load of coconuts falls on her head. She stumbles)

Gwen: (Yelling at Chef) Hey! (Courtney screams and falls overboard, Gwen gasps) Courtney! (She grabs Courtney's leg and pulls her back up to safety) Whoo!

Courtney: (Checks her hair) Thanks Gwen, I almost got my hair wet!

Gwen: (Confused) uh... I was more concerned about you breaking your neck... (Turns awkward) but... uh, you DO have nice hair?

Courtney: (Gets closer to Gwen) really? Aww thanks! You have great hair too! What's your secret?

Gwen: (Backs away awkwardly) uh... I double condition and dye it monthly?

Courtney: (Gets even closer) really? Do tell.

(Confessional: Gwen)

Gwen: (Shivers) ok, I'm really glad that Courtney and I are friends again; but I forgot how clingy she could be sometimes! She got so close I could almost smell her breakfast! (Shivers)

(Confessional: Courtney)

Courtney: (Embarrassed) mmmaybe that was a bit TOO friendly.

(Confessional ends)

Chris: Boring! Better up the ante, Chef!

Chef: (Holding a small stick of dynamite) It's times like these when I really love this job.

(Chef chuckles darkly as he drops the stick of dynamite. The stick lands straight on top of the engine and explodes, Gwen and Courtney scream in surprise; they are unharmed, but the engine is busted)

Courtney: (Groaning) Oh great.

Gwen: dynamite?! NOT cool, Chef! (Chef just smiles and shrugs)

(Cut to Owen, Noah, and Dawn. Owen and Noah paddle furiously, their faces red with exhaustion)

Dawn: (Looking out) I can see the others up ahead. We are approaching fast! (Shows concern towards the boys) how are you two fairing?

Noah: (Panting harder) athletic I'm not, but I know a thing or 2 about avoiding all the roided Neanderthal jocks back home!

Owen: (Cringes in pain) I'm still a bit sore from yesterday, BUT I'VE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT!!!!!! (Notices something in the distance and gasps) hey... isn't that-?

(Dawn and Noah look where he is looking, which is in a section of trees. And hiding behind the trees stood a familiar, Ezekiel-shaped silhouette. All three of them look freaked out. Cut to Alejandro fiddling with his boat engine, which sputters a puff of black smoke. Duncan, Zoey, Cameron, and Scott's raft pulls up behind him)

Duncan: (Tauntingly) Hey, Alejandro! Boat trouble?

Alejandro: (Scoots back in the driver's seat) Not anymore! (The boat starts and splashes the raft-mates with a huge wave) Ha! Adiós, enemigos

Zoey: If we only had a motor...

Cameron: (With an idea) That's it! (Grabs Scott by the shirt and shoves him into the water)

Scott: (Annoyed) Hey, what was that for?

Cameron: Sorry, Scott, nothing personal! (Points off-screen) Just attracting our motor!

(Scott looks confusedly to where he is pointing, the tip of Fang's fin piercing the water and rising as he swims closer)

Scott: (Frightened) Oh no... Nonononononono! (Screams in terror)

(Duncan gapes with awe as Cameron smiles sheepishly)

Cameron: Fang has a bit of an obsession with Scott.

(Confessional: Duncan)

Duncan: Man, even Cameron's more edgy than me! And he's like a talking pencil!

(Confessional ends)

Chris: (Jetpacks into frame) So far, everyone's still alive! (Smirks) But really, how likely is that to continue? Find out when we return, with more Total Drama All-Stars!

(Commercial break)

(By now, Scott is hanging from the now taped together poles, being held firmly by Duncan while Cameron fiddles with rope)

Duncan: Here, Sharky, Sharky! (Cackles villainously)

Scott: Not FUNNY!

(Fang's fin comes even closer)

Cameron: (quickly tying a rope together) Almost ready, (Shows a rope lasso) Zoey, tie the other end to the raft!

Zoey: You guys, this is crazy! (Ties the rope to the pole anyway)

Cameron: Trust me, it'll work! I hope...

(Fang slips into the lasso and begins chasing fruitlessly after Scott, causing the raft to surge ahead. Scott screams in terror as Fang's head bobs inches away from him)

Zoey: (Nervously) Hold on, Scott; you're doing great!

Duncan: Great idea, dude! Very villainous!

Cameron: (Realizes what he did) huh?

(Confessional: Cameron)

Cameron: Oh my gosh! Am I turning evil? I wasn't trying to be a villain! I was just... helping Scott to be a hero?

(Confessional ends)

(Cut to Owen, Noah, and Dawn again. Owen and Noah paddle even harder, their faces bright red. Until finally, a snap is heard and the paddles below break off)

Noah: (Out of breath) well... nice to see the crappiness of Chris' boats is STILL thorough! (To Dawn) how far away are we from the others?

Dawn: Even with Courtney and Gwen's boat engine damaged, I'm afraid we've come last in the race.

Noah: perfect! So now we're sitting... swans. Well, I'm open to ideas, anyone?

(Owen's tummy gurgles)

Owen: sorry, that gruel from breakfast is starting to get my tummy all (Looks nervous) ...toot-y.

Noah: aaand more good ne- (His eyes widen and he gets a smirk like he has an idea) Owen, if ever your farts were needed for a noble cause, it would be now!

Owen: (Chuckles) you got it, buddy! (Leaps out of the boat and grabs on to the back) alright, Captain Colon. Time to make some motorboat magic! (Grunts as his tummy gurgles louder)

Noah: (Nervously at Dawn) uh, hon, you might wanna hold on to something! Like maybe cling on to the swan head or... (Dawn huddles to Noah) ...or this works too.

Owen: (Still grunting) CARGO HAUL AT MAX!!!!!

Noah: then LIGHT THIS CANDLE!!!!

(Owen releases a massive fart, which sends the boat speeding forward... and a trail of dead fish floating to the top. Cut Gwen and Courtney, Courtney pounding on the busted engine)

Gwen: um... no offense, but how is beating the engine gonna help us?

Courtney: (Shrugs) it's all I can think of under this pressure!

Alejandro: (Speeds smugly past) Ladies!

(Scott screams as the raft goes past, followed by the swan boat, Gwen and Courtney get down winded by Owen's fart. The girls both cough, and then groan)

Chris: (Hovers over the two) This just in, Mike still has the lead! And, thanks to the riff-rafters new "engine" and the swan-trio's new environmentally hazardous motor, guess who's last?

Gwen: Last place? Aww crap!

Courtney: (Grunts and beats the engine again) Come on you piece of CRAP!

(Gwen picks up an oar from the bottom of the boat and sits in the front, paddling it along. Cut to the rafters again; as Scott continues to scream, Chef drops a stick of dynamite on the rafters)

Duncan: (Sees the dynamite) Incoming, hold tight! (He grabs the stick and pinches out the fuse and chuckles) don't mind if I do! (Chef shakes his fist and growls)

Zoey: (Points off-screen at something) Is that where Chris lives?

(Pan over to reveal Playa Des Losers, the resort from season 1)

Cameron: (To Duncan) isn't that the old Playa Des Losers resort you and the others stayed at after getting voted off in season 1? Chris must have turned it into his own personal headquarters.

Duncan: Yeah, beautiful. (Narrows his eyes while holding up his stick of dynamite) Just beautiful. (Suddenly jumps off the boat)

Zoey: Duncan! Where are you going?

(Duncan ignores her as he swims to shore)

(Confessional: Duncan)

Duncan: If ANYONE thinks I've gone soft or lost my Mojo, let's just say I found a way to set the record straight.

(Confessional ends)

Scott: (Looks ahead in horror) Piranhas, dead ahead! (Points out the snapping piranhas leaping in and out of the water, Mal and the Boat of Losers ahead as well) Snappy, toothy piranhas!

Cameron: And Mike! We might just catch up!

Zoey: But who are we going to catch up to? If only there was a way to make sure he was really Mike and not some sneaky alternate persona!

Cameron: There is one way. If you were to get into some sort of danger!

Zoey: (Gasps) what? I can't!

Scott: (Calmer) why not? You sure didn't have any problems letting Multiple-Mike save your butt LAST year!

Zoey: (Offended) that was different! That was all a whole lot of conveniently dangerous and life-threatening situations! I can't put myself in danger on PURPOSE! Mike wouldn't want that; there has to be another way!

(Suddenly the raft bumps and Zoey is forced off the raft. She looks frightened at the piranhas that surround her)

Zoey: ....me and my big mouth!

Cameron: (Barely holding onto the pole, looks back and gasps) Zoey, no!

(Cameron grabs another pole on the raft with his other hand and tosses it to Zoey. Zoey hastily climbs on top of the pole as the piranhas start snapping around her)

Zoey: (Pleadingly) Mike, help! Miike!

(As Zoey screams, Mal grins maliciously but then gasps. Zoom into his head again, where Mike and Chester stop on their trek as they hear Zoey screaming)

Mike: Zoey? (Looks up in shock) Zoey!

(Mike suddenly disappears, and Mal reappears in his place. Chester straightens his back and hollers in fear)

Mal: (Surprised) what the-?

(Cut back outside, where Mike gasps, regaining control)

Mike: (Looks confused) Hey, why am I on a boat? (Stops the boat and looks out of the cockpit. Alejandro speeds past him)

Chris: Alejandro takes the lead!

Alejandro: Too easy!

(Mike sees Zoey screaming in the distance)

Mike: (Terrified) Oh-ohmygosh, Zoey!

(Cut back to Mal in his mind, Chester is huddled into a traumatized ball in the corner, hands over his eyes)

Mal: Oh no you DON'T! (Grunts with effort, before disappearing; Mike re-appears in his place)

Mike: Zoey, I- (Looks around and sees he is back in his head) NOO!!

Zoey: (Her screams echoing through his head) Miiiike!

Chester: (Uncovers his eyes) I don't know what's happening!

Mike: Zoey's in trouble and there's nothing I can do! (Growls) When I get out of here, Mal is going to pay!

(Cut to Gwen and Courtney, Gwen still paddling while Courtney still beats on the engine)

Gwen: (Sees Zoey in trouble and gasps) Zoey!! (To Courtney) we gotta help her!

Courtney: I'm trying!! But this boat engine is as crappy as the host who blew it up! She'll be fine; she can take care of herself!

(Zoey's pole starts to slowly get lower to the water)

Zoey: (Screaming) Heeelp!

Mal: (Ducks back in the hotel. Imitating Mike again) Oh, uh, hold on! The engine won't start! (Makes unconvincing engine sputtering noises)

Zoey: (On the very tip of the pole) Help, seriously!

Cameron: (He and Scott pass the boat) Mike, Zoey's in danger!

(Confessional: Mal)

Mal: (Groans) Only because otherwise it'll look 'suspicious.

(Confessional ends)

Zoey: (Pleading to the piranhas) Please don't eat me!

(Just then, the boat of losers comes back around, and Mal grabs her off the pole)

Mal: (Holding her in his arms, falsely) Sorry that took so long, I'm just glad you're ok! (They press their heads together)

(Confessional: Zoey)

Zoey: (Still out of breath) I knew it! I knew he wouldn't let me become fish food! (Swoons) so romantic!

(Confessional: Mal)

Mal: (Chuckles) How gullible is this girl?

(Confessional ends)

(Cut to Owen, Noah, and Dawn, approaching the boat of losers fast)

Dawn: (Excited) we're catching up!

Owen: (Chuckling while still farting) yeah-ha-ha! We're gonna slip right past Zoey and... (Nervously) er, Mike.

Noah: (Notices Owen's nervousness) hey, Owen... I know the boy with 5 brains smacked you around in the fight challenge, but I wanna know... that night when Brick brought you back all injured... did Mike do that?

(Owen gasps and looks nervously at Dawn, who nods sagely)

Owen: (Looks around nervously) well.... kind of... sort of... well MIKE didn't.

Noah: (Confused) how can he kind of sort of not do it?

Owen: (Whispers slightly) well it wasn't exactly Mike... specifically.

Noah: (Confused) that still makes no sense! How can it- (Eyes widen) did... did one of his personalities get you?

Owen: well... uh... (Notices something ahead and gasps) Great Bleu Bénédictin!!!

(Noah and Dawn look where he was looking and gasp, for up ahead is an iceberg)

Dawn/Noah/Owen: AN ICEBERG?!!?

Noah: I know I shouldn't bother asking at this point, (Shouting at Chris) but where the heck do you get an iceberg at THIS time of year!?

Chris: (Smiling and holding a remote control) I know a guy. (Chuckles)

(The three of them scream as the swan hits the iceberg; Noah and Dawn cling to the neck of the swan as it sinks)

Noah: (Deadpan) aaand we're officially done. Goodnight, everybody.

(The swan fully sinks; Dawn pops back up holding Noah in her arms. They both gasp for air)

Noah: have I mentioned how much I DESPISE CHRIS?! Because I do!!!

Dawn: (Smiles) you are not alone, dear one. (Presses her cheek against him. Then looks up and gasps) Oh my goodness!!!

Noah: (Looks where she's looking and gasps) Owen!!!

(Owen is flying through the air, screaming. He flies right over the boat of losers)

Zoey: (Sniffs the air) Owen?

(Owen finally lands in the water... right in the middle of the piranha section)

Owen: (Pops back up and chuckles) oh, that wasn't so bad. (Several piranhas pop up, glaring at Owen) ...this could be REALLY bad. (The piranhas start jumping and snapping at Owen, who screams in agony)

Zoey: (Notices Owen and gasps) Oh no! Owen!! (Leaps out of Mal's arms and runs to the stern of the boat) Owen! Take my hand!

(Owen holds out his hand, as Zoey slowly pulls him on board the boat. Owen pants heavily and clings to Zoey)

Owen: Oh-ho... sweet Salisbury steak! Everything I ever ate flashed in front of my eyes... I don't remember eating THAT in middle school!

Zoey: (Comfortingly pats Owen's back) aww, it's ok, Owen. I've got you. And Mike and I won't let anything bad happen to you again.

Owen: (Chuckles) aww thanks, Zoey. You really are a good –You and whosaywhat? (Notices Mal smiling maliciously at him and breaks away from Zoey, backing away slowly) on second thought... I don't wanna be a third wheel with you guys, and its such a LOVELY day for a swim... of snappy toothy death. So I'm just gonna-

Zoey: (Pulls Owen back by the ear gently) oooh no you don't, Owen. I'm not letting my new chubby buddy become mincemeat for man-eating fishes! You'll be safe here with Mike and me so... (Like a mother, awkwardly) sit down and... be safe, big mister!

(Owen glances between Zoey's stern face and Mal's malicious smile. He finally sighs in defeat and sits down, Zoey smiles reassuringly)

(Confessional: Owen)

Owen: (Shivers) if looks could kill, I'd be double dead! Also I may never eat fish sticks again! ...Well not without tartar sauce anyway. (Giggles nervously)

(Confessional: Zoey)

Zoey: (Embarrassed) I think I may have gotten a bit too much from my mom back there. (Waves at the camera) Love you, mom!

(Confessional ends)

(Noah and Dawn sigh in relief at seeing Owen safe)

Noah: well, that's ONE fatal accident avoided. Way to luck out yet again, Chris; so... what do WE do now?

Dawn: I believe there are some reptilian friends who can assist us. (Smiles as two alligators approach them) the fair beasts shall guide us to victory. (Approaches the gators) and do not fear, Noah, they are actually quite sweet. (Scratches a gator under its jaw, the gator purrs in delight)

Noah: (Looks nervous) great... juuuuust great.

(Confessional: Noah)

Noah: turns one of the most vicious beasts into a pussycat.... (Smirks) can I pick them or what?

(Confessional ends)

(By now, Dawn and Noah are sitting upon the gators, Noah sitting more awkwardly)

Dawn: (Gently pets her gator on the head) go forth, dear reptile. Bring us forth to victory! (The gator glides along the water)

Noah: (Awkwardly) uh... ok, now uh... how do I steer this... (The gator smirks evilly at him, and takes off like a rocket. Noah clings on to the gator, screaming) ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GONNA LEARN NOT TO QUESTION THIS SHOW!!!!!

(Cut to Courtney and Gwen again; Gwen still paddling and Courtney now beating the dashboard)

Courtney: Oh why won't you work!?

(The motor suddenly sputters to life and starts up again)

Gwen: (Stops paddling) Finally! Let's go! (They speed up)

(Cut to Chris and Chef standing on the dock of shame, a buoy with the finish line flag floats next to them)

Chris: All the boats are in the final stretch! Who's going to win tonight's immunity?

(Alejandro comes smugly speeding in. Suddenly, his boat starts making sputtering noises and slows down, stopping just inches away from the flag. Alejandro groans)

Chris: Oh! Alejandro's chances of winning have stalled, just like his motor!

Alejandro: Oh nonono!

(Cut to Zoey, Mal, and Owen speeding up; Zoey and Mal in the cockpit)

Zoey: Nearly there!

(Cut to Scott and Cameron; Cameron struggling to hold the pole up as the Boat of Losers, followed by Dawn and Noah speed past them; Scott is still screaming and now flailing his arms)

Scott: (Panicking) too close!!

Cameron: Zoey!

Scott: Too close!

Cameron: Help, Zoey!

(Zoey looks back in worry, Mal smiling maliciously)

Zoey: (Runs to the other side, next to Owen) Oh no, we have to help Cameron!

Mal: (Feigning not hearing) What?

Zoey: I said, we-

(She gets cut off by Gwen and Courtney speeding past them, cheering, followed by Noah and Dawn, Noah still screaming)

Mal: (Grins as he rolls his eyes) Sorry, I can't hear you!

Cameron: Help! (Struggles to hold Scott up even more) Scott, I'm so sorry! I just can't hold you up anymore!

(Cameron lowers Scott a bit as Fang bites him on his butt and pulls him under. But the pole snaps upright and launches Scott into the air, wailing his arms and screaming)

(Confessional: Scott)

Scott: (curled up in the fetal position again, shivering wildly) Never, ever make enemies with a critter that has more teeth than your whole f-family combined! NEVER!

(Confessional ends)

(Cameron catches his breath, while Scott lands face-first on the raft. Scott stands back up, glaring daggers at Cameron)

Scott: Your turn to be fish food!

(Scott pushes Cameron into the water. Fang rushes up to Cameron and is about to take a bite, when he stops and sniffs him. Fang swims away)

Scott: (Annoyed) Seriously? (Groans) Guess he wanted a meal, not a snack! (To Cameron) Get back up here and start paddling!!

(Confessional: Cameron)

Cameron: (Guilty) I know what I did was wrong ...But Fang would have probably only chewed on Scott for a minute before spitting him out. Just to make a point, I mean, right? (Gulps)

(Confessional ends)

(Cut to Alejandro again, trying to start his boat again while Chris and Chef laugh at him. Gwen and Courtney are approaching fast)

Gwen: What's Alejandro doing? His engine must have died!

Courtney: (Forcedly) I guess he'll have to Ale-hand-row, row-ROW his boat! (She giggles while Gwen just raises an eyebrow at her. Courtney smiles sheepishly) ...uh, how about I just drive the boat?

Gwen: (Pats Courtney on the head) yeah, that'd be great.

(A boat horn honks as the boat of losers is catching up to them, Noah and Dawn not too far behind)

Gwen: Hurry, they're gaining on us!

Courtney: Not on my yacht!

(The speedboat speeds up. Alejandro continues to try and start his boat as the others approach faster, Gwen and Courtney cheering while Noah continues screaming)

Alejandro: oh arruinar esto! (He jumps onto the tip of his boat and touches the buoy with his nose, just as Gwen and Courtney catch up)

Chris: Ooh, and Alejandro wins it by a nose! Courtney and Gwen take second place! (Noah and Dawn enter, the gators slowing down and now Noah is shivering) the Gator Gliders, Noah and Dawn, take third! (Zoey, Mal, and Owen enter next) Not that it matters; Mike, Owen, and Zoey take fourth. (Cameron paddles in, Scott glaring at him) And Cameron and Scott may have come in last, but they were definitely the funniest! "A meal, not a snack!" (He cackles like a mad hyena. Chef just shakes his head and rolls his eyes) Oh, my sides!

(Confessional: Scott)

Scott: pfft, It wasn't THAT funny, Chris.

(Confessional ends)

(All the contestants line up on the dock. Noah still shivers)

Dawn: (Puts a comforting hand on Noah's shoulder) You never told me you were an alligator rider.

Noah: (Rolls his eyes) oh yeah, I'm a REAL athlete. I just ride on the back of gators all day shouting "Sha-Noah!!" (Dawn giggles as the two stare into each other's eyes)

Chris: (Notices someone missing) Wait a minute, where's Duncan?

(An absolutely MASSIVE explosion goes off in the background, shaking the camera. Smoke is seen in the distance)

Zoey: What the heck was that?

(Chris pulls out his binoculars and squinted through them. He gasps as he sees what the explosion was... Playa Des Losers now stands a crumbling, burnt mess)

Chris: (Horrified) MY COTTAAAAGE! (He wails loudly)

Courtney: (Looks through the binoculars) You call that a cottage?! It was a mansion!

(Pan over to the damaged resort, Duncan running away from it)

Duncan: (Cackles like a maniac) yeah, (Stops and dances) WHOO-HOOO!!! Now who's gone soft? (Runs off-screen, laughing)

(Noah, Owen, and Courtney smirk at the sight of the destroyed cottage, and then applaud)

Gwen: (Cheering loudly) WHOO-HOOO!!! YEAH!!! WAY TO GO, DUNCAN!!! (Notices Chef glaring at her) I mean uh... how tragic. Duncan; how could you? (Continues smirking)

Chris: (Sniffles) S-so many p-pictures of me! ...Gone... all... all gone!

Chef: (Puts a hand on Chris' shoulder) We'll build you another cottage.

Courtney: (Indignantly) It was not a cottage!

Chris: (Sighs and talks flatly and dejectedly) As winner of today's challenge, Alejandro gets immunity and a night at the spa hotel ...And, he can bring one person along with him...

(Everyone smiles hopeful at Alejandro)

Alejandro: (Smirking triumphantly) As much as I would love to bring you all ...I cannot play favorites and break all of your hearts.

(Everyone sighs, disappointed)

Chris: (Still flatly) As for the rest of you, time to hit the voting booth...

(As everyone leaves, Mal walks up to Alejandro)

Mal: (Forcely perky) Hey, Alejandro! So, I was kinda wondering, since there aren't any teams anymore, um, maybe someday you and I could work together on a challenge (Alejandro raises a suspicious eyebrow), or something...? Uh, I mean, if you want? ...Maybe... (Mimicks Mike's awkward laugh)

Alejandro: Hmmm... Intriguing and unexpected... (Smirks) Just the way I like to play it. (Grabs Mal's hand and shakes it) Deal! I look forward to the day we work together.

(Confessional: Alejandro)

Alejandro: (Smirking) and by "work together," I mean "I observe your strange ways for myself." Something about this "Mike" is not as he claims to be; and now I watch him like a devilishly handsome cocodrilo!

(Confessional: Mal)

Mal: With a friend like me, who needs enemies? (He laughs maniacally as the camera zooms in, the background fading into crackling fire)

(Confessional ends)

(Cut to the elimination ceremony. Everyone is seated around the campfire, while Chris still looks dejected and hunched over)

Chris: (Sighs) Good news... As a reward for making it to the merge, there will be no Boney Island for any of you tonight... (The contestants cheer. Chris sounds whiney) Do you know how many statues of me were lost in that explosion? Five!

Noah: huh, could've sworn it'd be more.

Courtney: Can we just get on with this ceremony already?

Duncan: (Triumphantly) So, anyone ELSE think I've gone soft?

Owen: (Chuckles) ah, I never cared if you were a bad boy or a good dude; but now you're like a bad boy god! (Fake bows to Duncan)

Courtney: you're still a Mohawk'd Neanderthal... (Smiles) but I gotta admit, I like what you did to Chris' MANSION!!!

Chris: (Sounding a bit like his old self) Before you vote for the first time as individuals, I have a special surprise for (Glares at Duncan) Boom-Boom over here!

Duncan: (Sarcastically) Aww, Chris, you shouldn't have!

(Just then, two cops walk up to Duncan, one putting his hand on Duncan's shoulder)

Cop: You're under arrest for the destruction of a private cottage!

(Everyone gasps)

Courtney: It was not a- (Gives an annoyed growl)

Gwen: (Panicked) what!? Y-y-you can't do that!! It wasn't his fault! (Glares at Chris) it was CHRIS' FAULT! Duncan didn't know what he was thinking; he wouldn't have done it if McLean over here hadn't freaked him out about all the good-boy talk!

Chris: (Smiles mischievously) so true. (Chuckles to himself)

Duncan: (Reassuringly) whoa, babe, relax. If I didn't do it, don't pretend you wouldn't have. (Gwen looks away awkwardly) besides, this is a good thing.

Gwen: (Confused and annoyed) a good thing?! Getting locked up again is a GOOD THING!?!?

Duncan: It is! I'm gonna rule Juvie!

Chris: Juvie? Um, you're 18 now, as in above the Juvie height chart, and you destroyed a MAJOR piece of property. It's a big boy jail for you, bro! And it's gonna be a real slammer! (Chuckles)

Duncan: (Now looks nervous as the cop grabs him by the wrist) Wait, it was an accident! (The cops start dragging him off) Come on guys, have a heart! I-I didn't know you weren't supposed to put a toaster in the microwave! Agh, snugglemuffins!

Chris: (Back to his cheerful self) Ah, justice!

Gwen: (Hesitantly) WAIT!!

(Gwen runs straight up to Duncan, pulls him away from the cops, and pulls him into a long, passionate kiss; Zoey, Owen, and Dawn daaaww at the sight, and even Courtney is smiling. As the kiss ends, Duncan falls to the ground with a big dopey grin on his face)

Gwen: (Sighs happily) ok, take him away.

Duncan: (Happier as the cops drag him away) ok NOW I'm a happy prisoner. Kick butt for us, babe!

Gwen: I'll try! Try not to get killed, and don't drop the soap, Bad Boy! I'll come visit you after I get off this crappy island!

Duncan: you better! Prison's gonna be uglier without your pasty face to look at! (They both laugh)

Gwen: (Frowns sadly and waves at Duncan, voice barely above a whisper) I'll miss you.

Zoey: (Puts her hand on Gwen's shoulder) it'll be all right, Gwen.

Courtney: (Puts her hand on Gwen's other shoulder) yeah, I mean the guy's broken out of Juvie more times than anyone; if anyone can survive actual prison, it's him.

Gwen: (Smiles a little) I guess.

(Confessional: Noah)

Noah: (Slightly shocked) well... (Awkwardly) I guess be careful what you wish for, am I right? (Chuckles awkwardly)

(Confessional: Courtney)

Courtney: (Surprised) wow... I can't believe it... Gwen and Duncan kissed in front of me and... I didn't feel the burning hatred anymore! I mean Duncan's still a jerk but... he actually cares for Gwen and makes her happy. I think I'm finally for real over them! (Sighs happily and crosses arms in triumph) Yep, I feel like a weight is off my back. (Smiles, but her left eye twitches a bit)

(Confessional: Gwen)

Gwen: (Excited) did you see that? I kissed Duncan... and Courtney DIDN'T freak out!!! Do you know what this means? I can date Duncan, AND keep Courtney as a friend!!! WHOO-HOOOO!!!! (Realizes that Duncan is gone) crap! MAN I hate timing! (Looks upwards) whoever's in charge of karma... be gentle with him.

(Confessional ends)

Chris: Ok, enough mushy jailbird romance, it's voting time!

(Confessional: Scott)

Scott: I'm voting for Cameron! He used me for shark bait! I hate it when people do that!

(Confessional: Cameron)

Cameron: With Sierra gone, I don't know who to vote for ...But since Scott's so mad at me, he wins. I mean, loses.

(Confessional: Owen)

Owen: (Burping) Maaal!

(Confessional ends)

Chris: (Staring at the papers) Well, I believe this is a first! The votes have been tallied, and it's unanimous! Tonight's Flush o' Shame recipient is... (Turns the photos around revealing Cameron with a red X across it) Cameron!

Cameron: (Stands up, shocked) What? How can it be unanimous? I didn't vote for myself!

Zoey: I didn't vote for him either! (Mal simply shrugs, not saying anything)

Owen: I didn't vote for him either! I voted for M- (Notices Mal glaring at him) uh.... someone else! (Giggles nervously)

Noah: (Deadpan) ...I voted for Mike.

Mal: (Momentarily loses his fake voice) what? (Clears throat, talks like Mike again) I mean uh, why would you do that, Noah? I thought we were friends!

Noah: um, you and I have only talked to each other twice. THIS TIME included! And as for why, well let's just say I have my reasons... (Glares at Mal) My big, chubby, bruised reasons! (Mal looks intimidated for a minute)

Chris: Everyone relax; since Duncan the destroyer is gone, Cameron gets yet another stay of Flush-e-cution. You're still in the game, for now. (Cameron sighs with relief)

Mal: (Gives Cameron a false thumbs up) Sweet!

(Confessional: Mal)

(The voting box is cracked open, and Mal holds up several pictures of Cameron with an X through them. He slowly lets all of them fall, whistling his creepy tune again before chuckling darkly)

(Confessional: Cameron)

Cameron: Obviously the votes were tampered with! I feel like a fly at a frog banquet! They're all out to get me!

(Confessional ends)

(Cut to Chris standing right outside the confessional)

Chris: Eight players down, ten to go! Who's next to take a paddle in the big porcelain pond? (Whispers and points to confessional) My money's on this guy!

Cameron: (Sticks his head out of the confessional) Hey!

Chris: Find out for sure when we return for another all-new episode of Total Drama All-Stars!

(End Credits)