A Heart in Shards.

"It's all my fault. I know it's my fault..."

Leticia
The first sight she met when her eyes peeled open was her mother-in-law, sitting beside her and holding her hands.

She stirred, letting out a gasp as pain shot through her abdomen.

Her mother-in-law became alert. “Uyo? You’re awake, let me call the doctor.”

Her expression was too glum for someone who just had her first grandchild. Before Leticia could form words, she had left the room. She looked around, searching for her baby. As she didn’t see any sign she remembered it was a premature birth. He’d probably be in the incubator. She couldn’t wait to hold her baby boy.

The doctors walked into the room with her mother-in-law following. Dr Stanley, the one who had helped her deliver lead the team as they reached the side of her bed and Mobolaji went back to holding her hand. A shiver went up Leticia’s spine and a feeling of dread followed. Why did they all look serious?

After a few seconds of silence he spoke up. “Leticia, I’m afraid we have some difficult news to share.”

“Wha-what do you mean Dr?” She gulped.

“I’m so sorry, it was a still birth.”

Leticia’s eyes widened, and she searched for her Mother-in-law with them, hoping to see a glimmer in her eyes that told of this comedy show they were pulling. She met tears streaming down Mobolaji’s face instead.

“Mom, please… please tell me this is a cruel joke,” Leticia begged, tightening her hold on Mobolaji’s hands. “Mom, say something please!”

“We’re so sorry Leticia. You had preenclampsia. We tried all we could but he didn’t survive it.”

Leticia’s breathe hitched in her throat, the shock and disbelief draining her face of blood. It hit her like a tidal wave, and she thought maybe she wasn’t desperate enough. “Doctor please, you are mistaken. That can’t be true, my bp wasn’t high enough for that to happen!”

“I’m deeply sorry for your loss.”

The tears began to stream down her face. She looked at her mother-in-law, begging her to say something but she didn’t. Instead she was crying too.

“Mom please stop crying and tell Dr Stanley to stop lying. My baby is not dead. I don’t believe it! I don’t believe! Stop lying to my face Doctor!”

“Calm down my daughter, please calm down.” Mobolaji pulled Leticia in for a hug.

“Mom they’re lying right? Please mom tell me they’re lying,” she sobbed, “What on earth is going on! Mom what’s happening to me? Why is all these happening to me?”

“I don’t know, all will be well, okay?”

“Whyyyyy...” she cried, “I just wanted to hold my baby, I wanted to hear his cry, wanted to feel him in my arms.”

Mobolaji stroked her back, crying with her. “It will be alright.”

“Mom is it my fault? Did I kill my baby? I think I caused it, it’s all my fault. Maybe I shouldn’t have stressed myself. I should have eaten when I was told to, right?”

“Leticia stop it. Don’t go down that path, please don’t blame yourself.”

“It’s all my fault mom, I know it’s my fault.”

“Uyo I said stop it please! It’s not your fault. This isn’t something you can control now.”

“Mom…”

Leticia whipped up her head and met the sight of her husband. Her tears multiplied.

“I’ll excuse you,” her mother-in-law said and walked out, leaving her and Maverick in the room that was filled with her wails.

Maverick drew closer and stood beside her bed, his expression somber as usual. Bile rose in Leticia’s throat as she turned to face him.

“You… It’s all your fault! It’s your fault! You’re such a wicked man. Why make a promise you could not keep? Even if I forced this on you at least you enjoyed my body, didn’t you? It would have cost you nothing to be a decent man for once in your life! Get out! I don’t want to see you. What do you want now? Get the hell out of here!” Leticia screamed, throwing the pillow at her side at him and still searching for something else to throw.

“Please calm down,” Maverick pleaded.
“I should calm down? I should freaking calm down?” Leticia let out another scream.

“You’re in no position to tell me that Maverick!” She flung the bag beside her bed at him, watching as the clothes in it fell out. Her baby’s clothes. Leticia got up from the bed and reached for the blue overall that landed at Maverick’s feet. The canula in her hand ripped off and blood splattered across the bed and the ground.

Maverick tried to stop her but she violently shoved him away.
She grabbed the overall and held it to her chest, a fresh round of sobs escaping her lips. “My baby… My baby…”

Maverick stooped and hugged her. She tried to shove him off but he resisted and held her closer. “I’m sorry UJ, I’m so sorry…”

Leticia sobbed harder. “If you had come earlier I wouldn’t have lost my baby. Maverick this is all your fault. Why do you hate me so much? What did I do to you?”

“I know, it’s my fault. I caused this, you didn’t do anything and I don’t hate you. This is all me. I’m sorry I didn’t keep my promise.”

“Sorry to interrupt but would you want to bury your baby or see him before we bury him?”

Maverick whispered in her ear “Uj, which do you want?”

Leticia shook her head, dreading the thought of beholding her dead child. It didn’t seat well with her.  “I don’t want to,” she cried. “I refuse to see my baby in that state.”

“Please bury him Doc,” she heard Maverick say. “And send a nurse to dress my wife’s injury.”

She sobbed on Maverick for a while, pained about the fact that she was crying on him but her heart softened when she remembered that he also lost his child.

“I’m sorry Leticia. I’m really sorry.” He stroked her back.

“Stop acting like you care, I know you don’t.”

Maverick didn’t respond to that. A sharp pain shot through her abdomen again and she whimpered, clutching her stomach. “Ah!”

He drew away from her and got up, attempting to lift her from the floor. She resisted at first but halted her protest when the pain struck again.

Maverick lifted her and placed her back on the bed, moving away as the nurse walked in with a tray.

All that filled her head even as her injury was being cared for was the thought of how things would have been if it was different. By now she’d have been holding her baby, smiling and crying with happiness, but life was never on her side was it?

As the memory faded, she found herself back in her bed, the pain still there but accompanied with a deep sadness that shattered her heart all over again. More tears streamed down her face, was she going to lose these ones again?

Her eyes scanned the room for a distraction from the agony. They settled on the mirror that showed the painting hanging above her bed.

She focused on the gentle curves and swirling patterns, willing herself to calm down, trying to imagine the pain as those gentle curves that danced away into nothingness on the canvas. It worked a little, then she tried to shift positions but gasped when a stab shot through her back.

She tried to recall the breathing exercises she’d learnt in the past but her mind was a jumbled mess. Her hands clenched into a fist, nails digging into her palms as she struggled to find a semblance of control.

Suddenly, she felt a flutter from inside. It was a kick, like a gentle reminder that she wasn’t alone. Her eyes welled up afresh as she placed a palm on her belly.

“Hey little ones,” she whispered, voice cracking. “Mommy’s okay… mommy’s just… struggling. Please don’t leave mommy.” She sucked in a breath and let the tears flow when another kick came, and stronger this time. She smiled through the tears for a fleeting moment as she forgot about her struggle.

The respite, short-lived as it was, had her gritting her teeth when the unwanted but familiar visitor came back. Like a flickering light bulb, she recalled that there was a phone by her bed and Dana was speed dial… one, yes one.

With shaky hands and a truckload of endurance, she pushed herself up using her hands and reached for the phone. The call was received after three rings.

“I… I need help,” she pressed her lips together when she heard Dana’s sleepy voice on the other end. “The pain…” a sob, “I can’t bear it anymore, please help me.”

“Oh my God, Letty I’m on my way already, take a deep breath okay?”

She let the phone down and laid back on the bed with her side, fisting the bed spread. The door flew open a while later with Dana rushing to her side and Philip trailing behind.

“How long has this gone on?!” Dana cried as she tried to help Leticia sit up.
The response was another sob.

“We’re taking you to the hospital right away!”

She nodded, grateful for these people more than ever. Leticia had become too experienced to hope this was the last time she’d feel this kind of pain. It was more likely that she would again.

Hello dear reader! It's been what? Two years? I think so. A lot has happened in my life, and I'm sure it's the same as yours. I've grown, I've graduated! (I'm a medical laboratory scientist now 🤭), and I've learned a lot. I sincerely apologize for the very long break. Life really happens.
I'm glad to be back on here, and I assure you that I've been working on updates all this while although slow, but I firmly believe in closure, and I wasn't going to leave my dear readers hanging. Never!😁 Thank you for being patient with me.

My friends have been encouraging me, dropping reviews of the new chapters I've been working on, scolding me, pushing me to continue 😂 it's the fact that they didn't give up for me. Shout out to Kofo, Joy Okoh, Kenny, Tolu, Marho, Ese Leila, Ella and every single reader of Torn Within. I love you guys so much.

I'll try to see my schedule to figure out the dynamics of publishing but until then, please manage these very few chapters 🌝.

Adios!🥰