The Yearning

"The Heart yearns for what it cannot have, and the mind clings to what it cannot keep."
-Unknown.

Leticia.

It was something she had at least gotten accustomed to, but sleep this night seemed very very far. Maybe it was as a result of her too much movement in the day, but her discomfort had morphed into intense pain.

Her stitches pulled against the skin and flesh of her back tight, making it an impossible task to find a painless position.

Trying to sit up took the pain from seven to seventeen. Leticia whimpered, feeling the tears beginning to leak out of the corners of her eyes.

"Oh God pleassseeee," she cried as her babies had started moving in her stomach. They seemed to have been jerked awake and were making sudden movements, pushing against the inner walls of their confines. As she did that, her stitches pulled even tighter.

"Ah!" What could she do to relieve herself? She couldn't lie on her stomach, couldn't lie on her back, couldn't sit up, and lying on her side was proving difficult by the passing seconds.

She stayed like that with pain excruciating, cursing the day she was born, regretting her complaints in her previous pregnancy, and wishing she could get back that pain.

This was all too much! Now she wished like she never had that Maverick was here, that someone would show up to help. That she'd stopped after the third time she'd put herself in this same position for a man who never loved her, nor cared one bit.

He always gave her false hope about being there, so even if he was around, there'd be no difference. Her mind took her down a horrible memory lane...

Maverick lied, and Leticia despised herself for believing him. He wanted to be there for the baby, etc, etc. Leticia held back a sob. He should have said the truth instead of giving her false hope.

"Hey girl!"

Michelle walked in with a big grin plastered on her face. "That look again?" She paused, her grin wiping off.
With a deep sigh, she placed the shopping bags in her arms on the centre table and then went to sit with Leticia.

"Welcome," Leticia managed to let out, giving her a faint smile.

"Letty. Do you want your baby to be always depressed? I don't like what you're doing oh."

"I can't help it," Leticia replied.

"Maverick will come back, he didn't go to war oh!"

For the past few weeks, she had been surviving because of Michelle and her mother-in-law who rotated their visits. Mummy would come when Michelle had a shoot and Michelle would come when Mummy had business. They were the reasons why her sanity was maintained to some extent.

"I know I'm being dramatic, but can't he at least call? He leaves when he wants and comes back when he wants. To worsen matters, he never even calls. Don't I deserve to know why?" It struck her when she asked. How could she have forgotten the circumstances surrounding their marriage so soon?

"Letty-"

"It's not his fault. I forgot my place in his life: a burden that was pushed on him-"

"Don't even go there, Letty. Where are all these coming from?"

"From a place of truth. For the past seven months plus, since I got pregnant, I've seen the father of my baby six times. All those times he'd spend like three days here, then he's gone again. Even when he's home he spends most of his time in the spare room. Probably to get away from me. You know..." Her eyes had started to leak. "It's my fault..." she sobbed. "I should not have suggested the idea of pregnancy but I thought it would make him love and treat me better..." the rest of her statement was muffled as Michelle had pulled her into a warm hug.

"I'm sorry," Michelle said, rubbing her back. "You don't deserve to be treated this bad. I may not know exactly what you feel, but I can relate."

"Am I that irritating to behold? If you were your brother, I'm sure you also wouldn't want anything to do with me."

Michelle pulled away from the hug, taking in Leticia's hands. "Letty... I know my brother isn't acting right, but there's nothing wrong with you. It's his fault, why are you taking things this way? You're not irritating; you're beautiful, crazy intelligent, well-mannered and kind natured. Who wouldn't want to have a child from a woman with such great genes?"

"Stop giving me that, I know I'm the -ow!" She clutched her bump as a sharp pain hit her on the right side of her abdomen.

"What's wrong?" Michelle asked.

"Just the pain of the baby kicking," Leticia replied.

Michelle gasped. "Let me feel him, please?"

Leticia's lips pulled up. "Sure."

The smile on Michelle's face grew wider as she moved her hand on Leticia's large bump. "If only I had a husband already! Oh, I think I'm beginning to have baby fever!"

With a chuckle, Leticia wiped her tears. She noticed that whenever she felt down, she would feel his movement. That was his way of comforting her. She placed her palm on the huge bump, caressing her stomach as she imagined the moment she would get to hold him.
The recent intense backache was a sign that her expected date of delivery was drawing nearer, and she had begun to anticipate.

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"Your mood goes from zero to a hundred real fast," Michelle said with a tinge of amusement as she watched Leticia. "So get up, time to feed that little honey bun."

Leticia nodded. Standing up was an issue though. The downsides of this were many, and one was really troublesome; she could not get up on her own.

Michelle helped her find footing, but as she took two steps forward black dots clouded her vision and she stumbled.

"Jesus, Letty! Are you okay? What's wrong?" Michelle was starting to get alarmed but Leticia didn't want her to worry.

"Calm down, it's just the hormones. I'll be fine." With a reassuring smile, she continued to waddle her way to the dining area. Every step hurt, and she could tell her feet had gone back to elephant mode.

Leticia gobbled up the food cooked by the new house keeper, relishing in the taste. The girl was good.

Michelle sat beside her, worry etched on her face. "Mom will come over next week, and I'll be travelling to Ibadan. I have a shoot there."

Leticia set down her cutlery, her appetite disappearing as fast as it came. "So soon?"

Michelle nodded. "I'm sorry. Don't start crying oh. I'll make him come back."

"Whatever..." Leticia swallowed the sobs stuck in her chest with the water she downed. She felt so lonely and alone. Why always her? What did she do so wrong?

"Leticia... don't do this, I'll always be here-"

"But your brother won't." She focused on the food, picking at it as she had lost her appetite long ago.

The distortion of her face showed Michelle's sadness. More like pity.

The tears that had been waiting flowed freely after Michelle left and Leticia made her way to her room. She clutched her belly as she cried, wishing her life would ever get better. How would she be able to raise her child alone? He would become like her, there was nothing she dreaded more than that. At least she needed Maverick around for damage control. When did she ever get what she needed though?

Leticia lay on her side, turning away from Maverick's bed as though that would clear her mind of every memory of him. She had no idea how long it was until the cook knocked on her door.

"Please come and eat something ma." Leticia heard the muffled voice.

She gathered her strength and replied "Not hungry, you can go home."

"Miss Michelle said I couldn't leave until I made sure you ate something. Please ma, for you baby."

"My baby and I will be fine, go home Martha."

She heard the girl's weary sigh. "I'll stop disturbing ma, but please think about your baby. Him first before any other person. You'll be fine. Good night."

The tears multiplied and Leticia buried her face in the pillow to muffle the sounds. Fine? Would she ever be? Had she ever been?

After what felt like years, Leticia sat up, holding her head when dizziness hit her on the spot. She'd been feeling like that for a while but she remembered it was part of the symptoms they'd been told to expect during the ante-natal classes. Another wave hit when she dragged herself from the bed. This time, she fell back.

Leticia took deep breaths to steady herself, and when she was sure of feeling better, she attempted to get up once again.

"Uyo!"

Tears blurred Leticia's vision as she heard her mother-in-law's voice.
She replied "please come in." To the soft knock on the door.

Maverick's mum hugged Leticia to herself as she entered the room, patting her head as she drew her to her chest.

"You'll be fine my baby, I'm so sorry that this is going on. It's all my fault, I didn't train Maverick better."

Leticia said nothing, she just held on to the woman as she caressed her front hair. That didn't mean she could restrict her sobs. There was just something about that particular day that made her feel worse.

"Have you eaten?"

Leticia shook her head. "I'm sorry mum, I don't have any appetite."

Mobolaji hummed and wiped Leticia's tears with her handkerchief. "Enough with the tears my child. Let's go down, I'll make something for you real quick okay?"

"How's our baby?" She asked as she pulled away, helping Leticia up from the bed.

"Kicking as usual. Michelle said you were coming next week." Leticia glanced at her, sniffing back the snot that was attempting to roll down.

"Mhm, I changed my mind. I couldn't leave you alone knowing that Michelle has gone. You'll starve yourself."

They both went downstairs. Leticia ate the food Maverick's mum cooked, realizing how hungry she had been only after eating the scrumptious meal. They conversed late into the night and later retired into bed.

Over the next few days, Leticia was faced with another hurdle. At first it was Braxton Hicks contractions, then it was becoming real. Her lower abdomen would tighten so bad that she would be paralyzed with the pain for a while, they would come at intervals, each having more intensity than the last.

She knew something was definitely wrong though. Her expected date of delivery was over a month away, so it was weird. Leticia kept it to herself at first as she thought it was just the false contractions. However, the intensity and spacing told her otherwise.

"Mum, please let's go to the hospital-"

"What's wrong? Are you in pain?" Her mother-in-law was already grabbing her car keys and phone before Leticia could even complete her statement.

"I thought it was false contraction, but it's getting really bad. I'm in so much pain." She had tried to hold it in but not any longer. The cold sweat trickling down her forehead was proof. Leticia might pass out if she didn't take action soon enough.

In less than ten minutes, they were on the way to the hospital. The ride was filled with Leticia's moans and whimpers which were intensifying along with the pain. Her mother-in-law was calm and praying, holding onto her hand even as Leticia squeezed with all her might.

By the time they got to the hospital, Leticia was wailing and grasping her belly as though it would stop the pain. She was wheeled into a ward while being told to calm down. It was so easy to say.

Her doctor followed, concern etched in between his furrowed brows. "She's going into labor pre-term."

In the next hours that followed, Leticia was almost certain she wasn't going to survive it. She was anticipating to meet her baby, but not so fast. She'd thought about Maverick countless times on that bed; the physical and emotional pain combined was enough to end her.

"Push!"

She tried with all her might, it felt as though all her bones shattered as she obeyed, but there was no result.

Leticia laid back, the voices were slowly fading in her head even as she pushed. She slipped in and out of consciousness, the pinch on her hand always bringing her back whenever she was going too far.

The process dragged on, and at that moment, Leticia regretted her life. Why did she choose this path? The man she was doing it for was nowhere near, what was the point? A pained sob escaped her throat. She tried and tried but the baby wasn't coming out. If she was asked to push any more she wasn't sure she would survive it.

The last push she gave brought relief. She felt it when her baby escaped her body, but she couldn't keep her eyes open. Leticia fought to, at least to have a glimpse. She heard the faint "It's a boy!" when her eyes rolled to the back of her head.