Have I ever sacrificed my happiness for someone's happiness? So many times but nobody knows unaware of at least the good deeds I've done. They've been marking my flaws in their heads and I gotta say I had no expectations nor complaints but to make it simple, regret won't miss that moment. Now today, December 4, 2018, I felt like I was dragging huge rocks for a good result. I imagined how their eyes shine brighter, thoughts mixed up together and warm hearts taking advantage over. If I hadn't reached out for my own risk knowing how it can entirely affect my life and wants, would I still be the bad one? Truth is, either thought can become negative. As I remember, words full of conviction and persuasion, the feeling of guilt and sadness took over. I... wanted to be in a new environment surrounded by new people with unique personalities, new perception I mean, how about a new world? Please.

Imagine this situation, I'm writing this on paper feeling hopeless and I'm like 0 with no value or a word stuck in the middle of a sentence. My soul is empty and I need flowers to grow. It's all messed up now, but why? Why does my lips curve upward and my eyes still spark as I walk out of that room? 

I look at people and strangely, they're normally living life. 

"I feel sad," there I said it.

Three words that shattered me and brought me to tears. I feel sad staying at the same place, talking to the same fake people, tired of being emotionally ill. I'm happy with the same source of my happiness but I guess I can't be all that positive in all things because I really can't. When there's so many things and people trying to bring you down secretly you can't forget how bad it was to trust and be broken. 

All my life, I can't find my source of freedom. It's like I'm buried deep in the ground in a place called nowhere. I feel controlled and lost at the same time.

Messy.

02/19/19