Chapter 3
"Oh come on, you can do better than that." Clint egged me on and bounced on the balls of his feet on the mat in front of me.
I smirked and held up my fists. "Be careful what you wish for, Barton."
He grinned and lowered his arms slightly, starting to say something. I took advantage of his defenselessnes and swung at him. My arm caught him behind the back and I flipped him over quickly, pinning him down in the blink of an eye. Clint groaned loudly, making me grin triumphantly. I reached down and helped him up as he grimaced.
"Told you so."
"Shut up," he muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. "I let you pin me."
"Sure didn't look like that," Steve called from the punching bags.
He and Bucky stood by them, spotting each other. My eyes met Bucky's and he smiled slightly at me. I smiled back and walked over to the bench where my stuff was. He came over as well, and sat down as I began wrapping athletic tape around my fists.
"You wanna go?"
"Huh?" He put down his water bottle and glanced up at me.
"I mean spar," I said, motioning to the mats behind us. "Come on, it'll be fun."
Bucky hesitated and looked down at his metal arm. I pretended I didn't notice and went back to my hands. Clint and Steve waved to us and left, and the gym became eerily silent. After a few minutes, I tossed the tape down and sighed.
"You don't have to worry about hurting me."
He looked up and ran a hand through his hair, but didn't say anything.
"I'm not scared of you, Bucky."
He stood up and exhaled loudly, seemingly searching for words. "Did you ever think that maybe you should be?"
"What?! No!" I said quickly. "Of course not!"
Bucky started pacing back and forth in front of the bench while pinching the skin between his eyes. "I-I don't know what to tell you, Cara. You can't keep treating me like you treat Steve, and Clint, and Natasha."
"And why is that?"
"Because I'm not like them!" He snapped. "I don't belong here, I belong where I was before Steve found me."
"Don't say that," I insisted and stepped closer to him.
"I appreciate that you're being so nice to me and trying to make me feel welcome, I really do," he said lowly. "But I'm just not worth the effort, Cara."
"Says who?" I asked persistently. "Who says you aren't worth the effort, Buck?"
"Says me! I don't want anyone putting any effort into anything that has to do with me because I'm not worth it!" He yelled.
"And what if I say you're worth it?"
"Then I'd say you're wasting your time."
"And I'd say I know that I'm not."
Our noses were practically touching now, and my heart threatened to best out of my chest. Suddenly, his arms were around me, and my hands were in his hair and we were kissing. I pulled him as close as I possibly could, our mouths moving perfectly in sync. But then as suddenly as it began, it was over. Bucky flew off of me, and shoved his hand through his hair.
"I should not have done that," he muttered. "I-I have to go."
*****
A few days after the fiasco in the gym, I sat at my desk in the lab, staring blankly at the screens in front of me. Bucky hadn't talked to me since then, and any time we were in the same room, he left. I had a ton of things to do, but no motivation. My inbox full of emails and projects remained unopened, and the files on the corner of my desk untouched. No matter what I did I couldn't stop thinking about Bucky, which was a completely new phenomenon for me. Everywhere I looked, I found something that reminded me of him.
I wasn't as anti-monogamous as Tony used to be, but I still wasn't a huge relationship person. I'd done tons of stuff like this before. You know, make out with a guy or hook up with him, then never have another thought again. But with Bucky, it was different. I had never felt this way before and it was inexplicable. It infuriated me.
"Hey, Cara."
I spun around in my chair as the sound of Pepper's voice brought me back go reality. "Oh, hi."
She gave me an odd look. "Um, your brother is looking for you. He's in the living room and wants you to meet him there."
"Okay," I nodded. "I'll be up in a sec."
She started to leave, but paused and turned back to me. "Are you okay? You've seemed a little...off recently."
"Yeah, it's just, you know, guy trouble," I mumbled.
"Oh, do you want to talk about it?"
"Um, no not really. But thanks for the offer," I stood up and walked over to the door where she stood. "I'm gonna go find Tony."
I quickly walked past her and up the stairs to the living room. Tony sat on one of the couches talking to Steve and Clint, and Bucky sat on the ottoman next to them. He ignored me as I walked in, and I'm not gonna lie. It hurt a little.
"What can I do for you, brother," I sat on the couch and propped my feet up on the coffee table.
"You know Kevin, from legal?"
I rolled my eyes and groaned loudly. Another one of Tony's favorite pass times was to try and set me up with various people around the company. Most of the men who worked for Tony and I were perfectly nice, but the second they got a drop of scotch in them they turned into horny little high school boys. And they all liked their scotch. I knew Kevin from legal. Tony could do much worse, but I could also do much better.
"I don't want to go out with Kevin."
"How about Jared? Nate? Oh, what about Fred?!" He rambled.
My eyes flicked towards Bucky, but quickly dropped back to my brother. "No, Tony. I don't want to date any guys from legal."
"Well then what do you want? Girls from legal?!" He tossed his hands up and I rolled my eyes again.
"No. I'm not looking for a relationship right now."
"I wasn't trying to find you a relationship, I was trying to get you laid," he said as though it was obvious. "You've been a little tense lately."
"Oh my god, Tony," I rubbed my eyes tiredly.
"Whatever, I give up, you're hopeless," Tony stood up and walked over to the stairs. "Goodnight, sweet dreams!"
I raised my hand and flicked him off, earning a bark of laughter from Clint. Tony did it right back, and I grinned at him.
"Goodnight, Tony."
"See ya on the flip side."
Shortly after Tony left, Clint and Steve did the same. Bucky stayed, and looked over at me briefly. I swallowed and took a deep breath, wiping my palms on my jeans.
"You're avoiding me," I said after a few moments.
He looked up, but didn't say anything.
I sighed again and stood up. "Listen, I get that you don't like yourself. None of us do. We've all done horrible things and yeah, we've gotta live with that"
Uh oh. I'd gone and worked myself up. Here comes word vomit.
"But just because you don't think you deserve anything doesn't mean you get to push anyone who could possibly give a fuck about you away. And I like you Bucky, I do, and that is so mindbogglingly aggravating! So if that whole thing that happened yesterday didn't mean anything, just tell me and I'll forget it ever happened. I just want my friend back."
I didn't give him a chance to respond, and ran up the stairs towards my room. The second I was inside, I slammed the door and locked it behind me.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid," I muttered, burying my face in my hands.
I wandered into my bathroom and leaned into the counter in front of the sink. I splashed my face with water and looked up in the mirror as I wiped my hands on a towel.
"God, Cara, you ruin everything!" I snapped and whipped the towel at the mirror.
It fell to the floor, and I felt as pathetic as that hand towel.
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