Warning: don't read if you're remotely innocent or get offended easily

So Daniel wanted me to write a fucked up Ninety One oneshot in return for some pictures of him in a skirt

10/10 worth it

Enjoy this satanic creation

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It was a beautiful day in the Glorious Eternal Motherland of Kazakhstan™

As usual, Ninety One could be found hanging around their dorm, doing absolute fuckall.

"Ace, I thought we'd gone over this. THE HOUSEPLANTS ARE NOT FOR SMOKING!" Bala screeched at Ace, who was currently snorting an entire fake cactus.

Ace yodeled in protest as Bala slapped the cactus away from him, threatening to call child protective services. 

"YOU DON'T OWN MY LIFE!! GO YELL AT ZAQ, HE USED THAT CACTUS AS A DILDO ONCE!!11!1!" Ace screamed in reply, dropping to the floor and beginning to violently do the Harlem shake

"tHAT'S DISGUSTING, FIND JESUS" Bala preached, summoning a crucifix out of thin air and bitchslapping Azamat with tHE POWER OF JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD.

At that moment, Alem walked in to witness Ace still writhing on the floor, and Bala curled up into a fetal position in terror.

However, he did not particularly care about whatever was wrong with those two.

"I work my ass off everyday at McDonald's, flipping burgers and making McFlurries, aND Y'ALL CAN'T EVEN BOTHER TO DO THE DISHES WHILST I'M GONE??!" Alem spoke with the fury of ten thousand suns behind his words, pointing angrily at the cluttered kitchen sink.

"oH NO, BATYRKHAN'S DOING THE THING AGAIN. RUN!" Bala alerted, dashing off as Alem began to go sUPERR SAAIYYANNNN

Suddenly, Zaq burst in, singing in a glorious falsetto voice as his butter-fueled dance moves mesmerized everyone in the room

The display of pure primal glory stunned even the super saiyanning Alem into silence, everyone not daring to speak in fear of their buttery overlord

Suddenly, a voice was heard nearby. 

"wHO DARES TO DISRESPECT MINE SELF?" Zaq questioned, pulling a shotgun out of his ass for self defense.

bUT OH SHIT WADDUP

IT WAS IGGY AZALEA

jk, it was some stupid fuck named Azamat

"tiS I, THE ONE AND ONLY AZAMAT" A.z. dramatically announced in his deep man voice, pulling up his jeans because they were falling down.

"not the only azamat" ace whispered from the side, a single tear of depression rolling down his cheek as bala shook his head in disapproval.

Zaq the Butter God stood in his Wushu stance, ready to fight Azamat for the WWE heavyweight champion boxing title.

bUT OH SHIT HERE COMES ALEM, FLYING AT ZAQ WITH A SOGGY PANCAKE AS A WEAPON

It was at this moment that Bala and Ace decided to leave. They didn't want to witness this crap. 

As Bala and Ace went outside, though, they were met with a rather unexpected scene

"You see Yerzo, that's why you should use OxiClean™ Stain Fighting Lavender Scented Laundry Detergent. OxiClean™ Laundry Detergent gives you a powerful everyday clean with serious stain-fighting, strength. So you enjoy vibrant colors and radiant whites, while removing even dried-on stains. Choose from Refreshing Lavender and Lily, Sparkling Fresh Scent, Free & Clear (no perfume or dyes), and convenient, single-dose paks." Manager Yerbolat stood, holding up an informative chart as he talked to his brother. 

As soon as Daniyar and reject Azamat stepped into Yerbo's peripheral vision, his head snapped towards them with demonic speed 

"Who let you two out of the closet?" he said, observing them as he wildly chicken danced towards them

"I'm straight" Bala said, before being elbowed by Ace. "He means the actual closet we sleep in dumbass, what's wrong with you" Ace retorted, snapping his fingers like the strong independent ethiopian man he truly was

Yerbolat finally finished chicken dancing towards the pair and stopped, waiting as his head rotated 360 degrees, then beginning to speak.

"How would you two like to join Black Dial? They're having an orgy but want two more. My brother was asking me about it." Yerbolat offered

Bala and Ace slapped each other's ass, yodeled, and noped tf out of there before the unholy thoughts of orgies could catch up to them

tHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN A GIANT DILDO FELL OUT OF THE SKY, LANDING ON ACE & BALA, KNOCKING THEM OUT WITH ALL OF ITS PHALLIC POWER

When the two woke up, they found themselves in a majestic foreign land 

"What the fuck is all of this" Ace sang, looking around at the wonderful communism that surronded them

Next thing they knew Johnny Seo was coming riGHt aT tHEm from out of the bushes

"Hi guys welcome to–" Johnny was cut off by Bala screaming at a carrot that lay on the floor

"Where are we?" Balalala voiced his utmost concern

His question was soon answered as the two dictators of this wonderful country appeared out of nowhere

"Oh god is this that country led by some weird french speaking kid and a holiday" Ace lamented. He'd heard (the myths, the memes,) the legends of this land. 

"What the fuck did he just say" Dictator #1 said in french. Dictator #2 had pretty much no idea why he assumed she understood all of that

Johnny continued to speak to the newcomers.

"You see, those are the righteous leaders Daniel and Christmas. They have brought this nation to gr8ness."  Mr. John said, dabbing for the world

"Je suis Daniel. Je vais mourir." the not even french guy Daniel said, expressing poetic depression via français

"what's poppin jimbo" the other fucktard who is the author, Christmas, memed, taking out a can of febreze and throwing it at Johnny, who backflipped out of the way of the projectile missile

Bala and Ace looked at each other, both in disbelief of what was happening around them.

Out of the blue, NCT's Jeno-seonsaengnim appeared to educate the immigrants on the system of this wonderful land

"Here in wherever, our main export is dildoes, our religion is called Danielism, and we appreciate all–" he was cut off by a screaming NCT Chenle-oppa running by at lightning speed

"wHAT ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY FROM, YA DINGUS?!?" Jeno called after him, but then turned to see a new competitor, MADMEN's REM.PNG chasing after the small Chinese dolphinkin

The two dictators of the country paid no mind to the restless peasants

They knew if things went too wrong, Rem and Chenle could always just battle to the death.

With sporks.

And cacti.

Not to mention cucumbers.

tHen k.O. OUTTA NOWHERE, THE ONE AND ONLY AZAMAT ZENKAYEV FROM NAINTEY WAN APPEARED IN FRONT OF THE CROWD

Johnny gasped as he now found himself confronted with another Daddy™. He'd never thought another daddy of his level could exist, but alas, at the sight of A.Z. he wanted to cry

Alongside Azamat stood a familiar looking woman. And her name was Assyl Bedelkhan /AKA/ Ninety One's Manager's Wifey

Bala and Ace almost choked at the sight of her familiar face, wondering how she escaped from the tiny box Yerbolat kept her in

Assyl, with all of her motherly strength, picked up Bala and Ace, tHROWING THEM INTO THE AIR SO FAST THAT SPACE TIME WAS RIPPED AND THEY FOUND THEMSELVES IN SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA, SM ENTERTAINMENT BUILDING, WHERE SMTOWN WAS HAVING A COMPANY PARTY

"wHAT THE FUCC" Kim Yerim screamed in her maknae voice as two men fell out of the sky right onto a slice of chocolate cake she was about to consume

"WHO THE HELL ARE ALL OF Y..." Ace yelled before trailing off as war flashbacks of his days as an SM trainee suddenly came back to him

EXO started placing bets on whether or not Baekhyun could get Bala's phone number. Chanyeol paid Baekhyun $800 to not even try. But let's ignore them, back to our situation.

"WHO ARE THESE TWO PEOPLE– wait... gUYS, IS THAT AZAMAT??!?" NCT's Taeil screeched, recognizing his former bandmate.

The days of training with Ace came back to the NCT U members, them all rushing over and greeting him 

Bala stood awkwardly to the side, staring at NCT Dream, who also had no idea who the hell Azamat was and why the U kids were so excited to see him

"How old are you??" Bala asked Jisung, who he assumed was about 11

Jisung had no idea what Bala was trying to say to him. He didn't speak Kazakh, he didn't sign up for this shit.

Daniyar turned to the side, then promptly screamed as he found all of EXO staring him down

He knew who those gay ass boys were. He'd been to a Korean music party. Love Me Right was his jams. He thought Lay was a total dad.

"Wow Exo" Bala said quietly, ignoring NCT Dream who were yodeling at him, trying to get his attention so they could invite him to some weird rave they were having later that night involving bicycles and glowing drinks

Girls' Generation watched this from their golden thrones on the left side of the room.

Taeyeon was quite amused by the events. Seohyun wished she could say the same.

Let's not even talk about SHINee, who were ignoring everything going on and having a competition of who could deepthroat a sandwich best.

Minho won.

The BalAzamat duo stayed until the party ended, then said farewell to everyone and left via magical flying segway 

Upon returning to their homeland, they entered the dorm to find everything surprisingly calm

Alem and Zaq sat on the couch watching all of the Lord of the Rings movies consecutively. Yerbolat and his brother had left a while ago. Azamat and Assyl were still god-knows-where, and the universe was in balance

After taking a shower, brushing their teeth, and making their daily human sacrifice to Satan, Ace and Bala decided it was time to go to bed.

So they did

Goodnight peeps

They needed sleep and so do I

Hope you enjoyed this lovely tale of friendship and love

Bye

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holy god I regret writing this so bad 

lord save my soul

i'm out