We actually hung about with Lee a lot during school throughout the next week. She was interesting to say the least; a strange mix of sarcastic and optimistic, kinda of like Jay and I mashed together. And by the next Friday, she had somehow managed to rope Lewis into sitting with us at lunch (highly likely she promised him a date) who, all in all, turned out to not be as much of a jerk as I'd originally given him credit for.

He was still a bit annoying though.

"Ugh, do I have to?" Lewis whined, violently dragging out a plastic chair for Lee to sit on. Sticking her tongue out in a rather childish gesture, she completely ignored his gentlemanliness and sat on the wobbly green chair beside me.

"Yup. Absolutely. You're redeeming yourself, remember?"

"Um... what's going on?" That was Jay. He was still a little shy around Lee and Lewis sometimes, and while it was kind of cute, I was also secretly incredibly happy that I was the only one who could get him to talk properly.

"Lewis here has something to say!" Lee announced happily, munching on a mushy flapjack, the squishy oats obviously from the canteen. I shuddered. Personally, I wouldn't touch the school baking with a barge pole, but hey. If Lee wanted to risk her life for the sake of a few measly flapjacks she could be my guest.

"Something you'll want to hear Ash," she added, smirking slightly. I raised an eyebrow sceptically.

"What the hell could Lewis possibly say that I would 'want to hear'?" I asked. "No offense," I added, sending a small glance in Lewis's flustered direction. "Actually, offense intended. You're a prick."

Just because I knew that he actually wasn't as bad as I'd originally pegged him didn't mean I'd forgiven him. Not by a long shot.

"See!" he protested, jabbing Lee on the shoulder. "He hates me! So why should I do it!?"

Lee gritted her teeth together. "Because it's the perfect chance to prove him wrong and prove to me you're not a complete and utter douche. Now hop to it."

I let out a sharp bark of laughter.  "You're amazing Lee."

I didn't miss the faint blush she tried to hide behind her mane of auburn-ish hair, or the death glare Lewis was shooting me. I bit my lip, trying not to laugh. Lewis's growing feelings for Lee were totally obvious to everyone but Lee herself. And now he was getting jealous, like a small puppy who felt his owner wasn't paying him enough attention. He needn't have worried – I didn't swing that way.

Not that he knew that, of course.

"Fine." He sighed deeply, and turned to face the wall, a tell-tale blush creeping up the back of his neck. "I'm... sorry."

"I can't hear you," called Lee, in a sickeningly sweet singsong voice. "Say it louder."

Lewis visibly cringed. "I'm... sorry. For being a total arsehole. You didn't deserve all the shit I threw at you. So... sorry."

"And...?" Lee prompted, grinning as though she'd just brought a puppy back to life. Which, you know, was actually more likely than what Lewis said next.

"And you're not that shite at football Ash," he amended, grinding his teeth together with an audible crunch. I snorted in a rather unattractive manner and Jay hid an amused smile.

"Good boy," praised Lee, hauling his chair back to the table so I could glimpse his satisfyingly mortified face.

"Well, as much as I appreciate the gesture," I drawled, fighting the amusement threatening to bubble through in my voice. "But you don't have to lie. I'm shite at football and I know it."

Under the table, Jay clandestinely laced his fingers with mine, silently supporting me. I flashed him a small, discreet smile, and turned my attention back to the squirming Lewis.

"Don't be so hard on yourself," scolded Lee, frowning.

"He is a bit shit though," Lewis pointed out helpfully, earning a brutal whack in the arm from Lee.

"Ow! What was that for!?"

She glared. "If you can't figure that out then you're an even bigger idiot than I originally gave you credit for." She stood up and flipped her hair over her shoulders, a strange habit she had. "Now I need to piss. Be right back."

And she stalked off towards the girls' bathrooms, leaving the three of us in a stunned silence. Just to annoy Lewis, I wolf-whistled. He shot a heavy scowl in my direction. I giggled then blushed.

"Dude, you should just ask her out already," I told him, waiting until he was gulping down a can of Irn Bru before I spoke. I thoroughly enjoyed watching him splutter, and casually rested my chin in my palm  as he sprayed the table with orange liquid.

"Wha- what?" he croaked, wiping his rough lips with the back of his hand.

"Well, um, it's kinda obvious that you like her," Jay chipped in, releasing my fingers and started to wipe up the table with a wad of tissues. An icy chill swept over my hand, and I curled it into a fist. I wished I could just grab Jay's hand freely, without having to worry about everybody else. But I couldn't.

Lewis opened his mouth to respond, but the shrill school bell rang, and he gratefully snapped his trap shut. Muttering something that sounded vaguely like, "saved by the bell," he scurried away to the PE block, while Jay and I sauntered off the music, grinning like a right pair of idiots.

Two dragging hours later, the bell rang and the school gate opened to release a swarm of screaming teenagers. Jay and I hung behind for a while, as neither of us were especially fond of large bustling crowds. We left the building for the weekend at the end of the final trickle of students, so by the time we reached passed Forrest Hill Park, aside from a few old age pensioners milling about, the streets were bordering on deserted. As we walked, I couldn't help but glance at Jay's loose fingers, on more than one occasion.

Of course, he fucking noticed. And he gave me a sympathetic smile.

"Um, for what it's worth, I was totally thinking about the same thing."

I scowled. "Ha-ha. Keep walking."

I fixed my gaze on the concrete slabs, my lips pressed into a tight line. Why did I have to turn into a such a sappy, squishy idiot every time I was around Jay? He was turning me into... a girl.

"Ugh! I did not just think that!" I groaned aloud, squeezing my eyes tight shut. I could hear Jay's muffled laughter though, regardless of having my hands clamped over my ears in embarrassment.

"Think what?" Jay asked, his eyes teasing. I scowled.

"Nothing. Shut up."

Every time Jay teased me, even lightly, all my witty patter seemed to evaporate, and I was left pink-faced and flustered. His eyes crinkled in amusement, and he brushed some straggly strands of hair away from my face. I gulped when his fingers glided across my skin, and refused to meet his smiling gaze, instead staring straight ahead...

At his lips, of course.

"You know, um, there's a winter festival coming up in Edinburgh," he told me. I felt myself frown in confusion.

"Uh, that's great Jay, but what's the significance there?"

Jay dropped his gaze and blushed. "Um... I was just thinking. But... you know... Nobody knows us there. And we haven't been on a, um, you know..."

Realisation flashed across my face. "Oh... Right."

"So, um, do you want to go? It opens tomorrow..."

Nervously, I glanced around, as though worried that one of the elderly residents watching us suspiciously from inside her house as we loitered at her gates could hear us. But we were separated by a pane of shining glass, I reminded myself. And I doubt she could hearing was anyway near up to scratch. I sighed.

"Uh, ok," I said, swallowing slightly, and trying to act much more confident than I really was. Jay of course saw through the act and smiled his soft, signature grin.

"Cool," he simply said.

We were both up and dressed super early the next morning, much to the surprise of my parents. Jay and I tumbled into the kitchen, well wrapped up in full winter gear – scarfs, jackets, hats, the works. We probably looked ridiculous, like teenage snowmen, but Jay had checked the weather the previous night and assured me that it was going to snow in Edinburgh. Not that I trusted the weather, but the warm padded clothes disguised the furious blush currently ravaging my face.

Jay and I had been playing an intense match of tonsil tennis upstairs, resulting in the fiery blush which now occupied my cheeks.

"Where are you two going?" enquired my mum, not even raising her gaze from her already tattered morning paper. I didn't respond, instead tipped my head backwards and poured my morning cup of tea down my throat. Jay grinned, and innocently brushed his arm against mine as he reached towards the breakfasts bars. The faint touch sent tingles up my arm and I abruptly started choking and gasping.

My dad sighed and took a sip from his own tea. "Be careful, Ash. Don't just hawk back the whole cup."

"I can do it, you know," I protested, a surly tone dripping into my voice. He simply rolled his eyes and returned his attention to the morning news.

"Um, we're going to the Edinburgh Winter Festival, Mrs Jamieson," mumbled Jay, absently playing with the fraying ends of his scarf. In reality, the red woollen neck-wrap was mine, but Jay hadn't packed any proper winter clothing. So I'd been kind, and leant him half of my winter wardrobe. Not that it amounted to very much mind you as we still only had a single, unravelling glove between the pair of us.

"That's nice," said my mum. "Oh, here. Take this."

She handed Jay a folded twenty pound note, pressing the paper into his fingers.

"Um, you don't have to..." he said quietly, but my mum simply waved him off.

"Nonsense, I want to." She smiled affectionately at Jay while I stood awkwardly in the corner of the room, scowling at no one in particular. Then mum seemed to notice my prescence for the first time.

"Give Ash half of it," she added as an afterthought, her eyes wandering over to me. "Buy yourselves something nice."

"Yeah, thanks mum," I huffed, grabbing Jay by the wrist. "Whatever. See you later."

Once I'd dragged a thoroughly confused Jay out the front door, I slammed it shut, not giving a damn when the whole porch shuddered. The plants in the window shook, and one particularly garish plastic plant fell from the window sill. I'm pretty sure I heard a smash when it hit the ground, but I didn't bother either way. I just wanted to get the fuck out of there.

"Are you ok?" Jay asked, but his concerned, guilty and sympathetic expression told me he knew exactly what was wrong. I shrugged.

"Yeah, whatever. Don't worry about me. Let's just get on with our..."

"First date?" Jay offered, a playful edge to his voice. I felt an embarrassed glower slip onto my face.

"Yeah. That."

"Ok," Jay responded happily, not bothering to conceal his growing excitement as we walked down to the train station. Edinburgh was an hour's journey, even by train, and as we passed through the barrier I felt a flutter of excitement in the pit of my own stomach.

We sat down in a rather empty compartment, closer than necessary but not quite touching. I felt slightly out of place among the rest of the passengers, who were all smartly dressed businessmen and women. They were all obviously heading to work, as indicated by the small stress lines already apparent at the corner of their eyes, and the strong scent of highly caffeinated coffee lingering in the compartment.

Jay and I made idle conversation for the duration of the journey, and, as much as I hated to admit it, his barely obscured excitement was slightly contagious. My first... date. With my boyfriend. The word still felt foreign on my tongue on the rare occasion I'd had to say it. It was weird; I'd never even considered having a boyfriend a possibility before. I'd always assumed I'd have the stereotypical nuclear family, nice faceless wife, nice faceless kids, nice nameless job, nice nondescript house.

But instead I had Jay. And as weird and as complicated as that may be, I loved it.

I was practically jumping by the time the train slowed to a halt. Here, nobody knew us. We could act mushy and couply to our hearts' content and we wouldn't have to worry about our secret being discovered.

I was still nervous though. I was as nervous as hell.

There were so many what ifs? What if we bumped into someone we knew? What if people were homophobic? What if...?

But all those scary thoughts vanished as soon as Jay interlocked his fingers with my own quivering ones. He smiled as he pulled me out of the train carriage, seemingly not bothered by the stares we were getting.

"Come on," he whispered, his lips brushing the tip of my ear. "We'll be ok. Trust me."

And I smiled. "Ok."

It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders now that Jay and I could be openly together. Back home we had been confined to meaningful looks, and quick stolen kisses when we were alone.Here I could hold Jay's hand without a care in the world.

Well, mostly. I didn't miss the occasional odd stares we were getting, or, once or twice, a glare. One particularly sweaty guy in the corner gave us an especially disgruntled scowl, and I couldn't stop myself from shrinking slightly into Jay's shoulder. He simply held on to my hand tighter.

The festival was an outdoor event, mostly a selection of small market stalls selling overpriced season goods, a few tame Hire-Me-Out rides and a smattering of interactive workshops. It seemed more like a carnival than a festival, with brightly coloured triangular flags flapping in the blustering gale.

"Typical Scottish weather," I sighed, watching one distraught woman chasing a selection of flyaway balloons. Jay laughed.

"Well, it could be raining," he pointed out, glancing up at the sky. It was already overcast though, and dark grey rainclouds menacingly hovered over us like a warning sign. It made me slightly uncomfortable.

"Don't jinx it," I warned, also eyeing up the gloomy sky threatening to split open and pelt us with rain. The dismal weather seemed to have warded off the majority of the would-be festival goers today too; less than one hundred folk shuffled about the streets. Jay rolled his eyes.

"Um, let's go try the rides," he suggested, pulling me towards a rather terrifying looking sticky wall that was surrounded by a large crowd of teenagers.

"Uh... Jay?" My voice sounded forced, and I desperately tried to hide my nervous disposition.

"Yeah?"

"I, uh... I don't like things that spin," I said dryly. Jay looked confused for a second, before his eyes widened in understanding.

"You mean... you're scared?"

"What!?" I seethed indignantly, spluttering and coughing. "Nuh uh! No fucking way!"

Jay barely held in his laughter. His face took on a flushed pink shade and his eyes bulged. He actually looked on the verge of exploding... He practically did too. Laughter burst from him in ridiculously loud eruptions. I clenched my jaw and scowled, almost pulling my hand from his.

"Um... Sorry," he gasped, still red-faced. "That's not funny..."

And he continued guffawing.

"You suck," I told him sourly. I was sulking like a five year old kid; my forehead slightly creased, my lips twisted into a small pout.

"Um..." Giggle. "Sorry." More giggling. "But... I never pegged you as afraid of rides."

"I'm not afraid of a stupid kids' ride!" I shrieked, drawing a few strange looks. Jay smiled, torn between exasperation, guilt , and a touch of amusement. I drew in a shuddering breath. "I'm just... not used to them. Yeah, that's it! I was a poor deprived child and all that shit, and I was never taken to carnivals and stuff. So I'm not used to them. Yup."

I stuck my tongue out and wagged it in a mature manner. Jay just shook his head and chuckled under his breath.

"Fine, we'll, um, just give it a miss then..."

I let out an audible sigh of relief. "Thank fuck."

However I couldn't help but notice the ways Jay's shoulders slumped as we walked away from the cage, or the wistful glances he kept stealing in that direction. I sighed.

"Do you really want to go on that thing?" I asked. Jay blinked in surprise, obviously caught off-guard.

"Um... No?"

He wasn't even convincing himself. Groaning, I slapped a palm to my forehead. My churning stomach really wasn't looking forward to getting thrust around in a feeble metal cage and the warning bells were going off in my head at a crazily intense level.

But his big doe eyes were so fucking shiny...

"Fine!" I grumbled, and watched his whole expression light up. "We'll go on the fucking thing. Once," I added hastily.

"Um... we don't have to go on it if you don't want to..."

"Don't tempt me," I snapped, dragging him into the small queue. He was grinning excitedly, and all but bounced into the cage. It was a creaky metal structure, and I felt dizzy just looking at it. As I pressed myself against the wall I squeezed my eyes tight shut, my stomach already swirling.

The whole world shifted as the cage tilted slightly. I blanched. "Oh God..."

A minute or so later, the ride was over and my feet were placed on solid ground again. I was shaking uncontrollably by this point; that minute had felt like a fucking eternity. I could almost feel my brain slopping about inside my head, and the two breakfast bars I'd ate that morning suddenly didn't seem like a good idea anymore.

"Never... again," I panted, my sweaty palm clutching Jay's so tightly my knuckles turned white. Jay grinned apologetically, again turning his puppy god eyes on full offense.

"Sorry," he said, giving me a toothy smile. "But, um, you didn't have to."

"Oh, shut up," I mumbled weakly. "I wasn't about to drag you away seeing as you were obviously desperate to get on the thing. Can't imagine why though." I paused to wipe a few beads of sweat from my forehead. "You can win me a fucking teddy or something at one of these stalls to make up for it. Now can we please get away from that hell on earth?"

Turns out, Jay didn't win me a bear. But he did win me a luminous green alien keyring. It was one of those incredibly cliché moments, where I'd forked over almost six quid, a ludicrous amount when you think about it, determined to knock over all the cans in one clear strike. I didn't even particularly want the leering green alien head that sat proudly on display just above the tins. I just wanted to prove I could do it.

Of course, I was completely and utterly hopeless. Jay had however intervened on my last shot, and knocked all five cans over in one clean go.

"Fuck you," I muttered when he proudly handed me the prize, grinning like he'd just handed me a winning lottery ticket. But deep down, as I held the small plastic object between my thumb and forefinger I was secretly so fucking pleased.

After than ridiculously cheesy romantic moment, I actually had a really great time. We spent the next few hours simply wandering between the stalls, trying to haggle for all our worth, crashing into six year olds on the dodgems, and getting way too into a game of shoot the duck. And the best part was the fact that I could hold onto Jay the whole fucking time.

People weren't even homophobic. Well, we did get the odd stare and one little kid had loudly asked his mother, "Why are those two boys holding hands?" But that was actually more amusing than offensive, and his thoroughly flustered mother apologised to us repeatedly. Jay simply waved her off, and I grinned at the kid, who smiled cheekily in response.

I was chowing down on some shocking pink candyfloss when the first flakes of snow fell from the sky. One cold drop landed on the tip of my nose, and I frowned at it, cross eyed. Jay laughed and gently flicked away. A fine dusting topped his hat, and as the flakes fluttered in the cheery festive background like a Christmas card, I couldn't help but feel so incredibly happy.

Me, the snarky, cynical git. Jay was turning me into a squishy sap.

"I can't believe it's actually snowing," I murmured, raising my free hand to catch a few stray flakes. They melted in my warm hands almost instantly and I wiped my palm on my jacket.

"It is kinda surreal here," Jay admitted, looking around. A few flecks of snow rested on the tip of his eyelashes and I smiled. My boyfriend was really fucking good looking sometimes. Well... all of the time.

"Hey Ash?" Jay asked suddenly, taking a quite bit from my candyfloss. An indirect kiss. I blushed, thinking back to the first time that had happened.

"Yeah?"

"What d'you wanna be when you're older?"

Needless to say, the random question had thrown me.

"Uh... what?"

"Like, what do you want to do when you leave school?" he clarified. I sighed.

"Oh. Well... I dunno." Shrugging awkwardly, I stared at the ground.

"No idea at all?" prompted Jay, leaning closer to me curiously. I frowned, slightly taken aback by his sudden proximity.

"Well... I do kind of have an idea," I said sheepishly. "But it's a shit one. I mean, I'd like to... work with a charity or something. I know, it's a stupid idea. My mum and dad have told me that hundreds of times, but... you know... I'd just, uh, like to feel like I'm helping someone. Like I'm actually worth something."

Jay said nothing, but simply squeezed my hand tightly.

"And yeah, I know that's not exactly a career," I continued, sighing softly. "But I'd still like to do it. But my mum and dad... they were so set on me going to uni, growing up..."

I trailed off, not really wanting to go into all the gory details of my estranged, half-dysfunctional family. Jay frowned, opened his mouth then closed it kind of like a fish a few times before eventually speaking in an even quieter volume than usual.

"My dad doesn't really take much interest in my future," he whispered, clinging to my fingers almost painfully. "He doesn't really take much interest in me at all, actually."

I frowned, wondering how on earth somebody would overlook Jay. He was the fucking definition of perfect – smart, talented, kind and good-looking. Sure he was a little shy, and lacked a bit of self-confidence but come on! He was... He was Jay.

"He left me and my mum when I was four. I mean, um, I don't mind much, really I don't. He obviously didn't think me and my mum weren't worth the effort, so he probably wasn't worth it either. And my mum tried her damn hardest to raise me singlehandedly, and I appreciate that, I really do. But... you know..." He dropped his gaze shyly, a mixture of longing and guilt etched across his face. "It's selfish, but it would have been nice to hear from him. Just once. Maybe a birthday card, or a cheap Christmas present, or... something. Just to know he cared, even a little bit. Just once."

And as I held onto Jay I saw before me the most selfless boy in the whole fucking world.

He was quiet and withdrawn because he didn't want to cause unnecessary fuss, guilty because despite everything, he wanted a father figure, something most other kids take for granted. And timid because he was afraid of being hurt again, and left alone to pick up the pieces.

"You, Jay McCallion, are the most selfless being on this fucking planet," I told him seriously. "Best person I've ever met."

He gave me a wobbly half-smile.

"Um... thanks." He sniffed. "You know, you're, um, the best person I've ever met too."

I snorted. "Nah. I'm just an all-round disappointment and shit. You don't have to say that."

"But it's true," he protested, his green eyes searching mine. And at once, I felt the need to explain everything to him.

"My mum and dad were so fucking thrilled when I was born," I said suddenly. Jay looked up at me, eyes glimmering with unshed tears, looking confused yet curious.

"You can tell by the photos," I went on casually. "Not that there's an awful lot and stuff, but... they're so fucking thrilled. They had all these ideas, all these hopes and dreams for me already planned out. I was gonna be super popular, I was gonna be super smart. I was gonna be star footballer, basketball captain, alter-server, Honours Student..." I laughed humourlessly. "Look how that shit all turned out. I ended up a social reject, average intelligence at best, a completely uncoordinated blundering idiot, a fucking agnostic atheist... Just one disappointment after the fucking next."

I gulped, looking anywhere but Jay's face. He was probably staring at me now, eyes full of undeserved pity and a sick understanding.

"But I always thought, hey at least I can give them that nuclear family they always want. I'd marry some nice faceless girl a have some nice faceless kids just to keep them happy. They'd have loved that, my mum and dad. Perfect little grandkids to spoil and coo over. But look at me. I'm fucking gay. I can't even do that right!"

Sometime during my embarrassing confession we'd turned into a small winding alley, my words echoing off the brick walls and cobbled road. Breathing heavily, I shut my eyes to prevent any tears leaking out, determined to avoid any more embarrassment. But Jay clamped a warm, firm hand on my shoulder I found my eyes pulling themselves open of their own accord.

"Hey," he whispered, leaning to close our noses were almost touching. "Know what I think?"

I forced myself to swallow. "What?"

"I think," Jay continued, his voice slightly hoarse. "That your parents should be proud of you no matter what you choose. You're a great guy, Ash. And, um, for what it's worth... I love you."

I think I stopped breathing right about then.

"Uh..." I was blushing furiously, my eyes watering and a scratchy feeling at the back of my throat. Taking a deep breath, I told myself to get a grip and force out four simple words.

"I... uh... I love you too."

I was so embarrassed. I was fucking mortified. But seeing the wide, genuine smile on Jay's face just before he leaned down and pulled me towards him by my scarf until our lips met...

It was so fucking worth it.