His hands were shaking and his eyes were brimming with unseen tears. He sat on his bed in the middle of the night trying to keep everything together.

This isn't working.

He reached into his bedside drawer for the bottle. A prescription, just for him. With his uncertain hands it took a bit to get it open, but as soon as he did he grabbed two pills from it and took it dry. Anything to stop this craze.

His eyes sunk to a soft silver as a lazy smile crossed his face. The effects were already taking place and his thoughts finally settled. He looked at the cracked mirror and laughed a bit. He looked silly.

I'm sorry Tom.

He knew that if Thomas found him he would be highly upset, but did it really matter? He was happy. He wasn't addicted. He could go a day without his pills, right? Tom just didn't understand. He had given up alcohol for the most part, choosing to only really get drunk around Christmas and when they went out. He of all people should understand! Tord just didn't want to think anymore and these capsules were the only way to escape.

"Tord, I'm Home!"

Shit.

He through the now capped bottle back into the drawer, but he couldn't wipe that smile off his face. It was only two. It's not like he took two every hour like he used to, besides he was prescribed these meds in the first place.

"Tord?"

"Uh, Yes?" he called out, unable to stop a giggle to come through. Tom was now in the doorway, looking as sharp as ever. He was wearing his work clothes, dress pants with a dark blue button up and a black vest. he was smiling, seeing his fiance looking so happy.

"Well, whats got you in a good mood?" Tord, in a whimsical mood laid his head on Tom's lap. "Just knowing you're home." That's when Tom knew something was up.

Tord's pupils were dilated and the iris was too dull, his smile too carefree. His body was without tension, but most importantly he had openly said that he was happy to see Tom.

Tord was shy when it came to emotion and had a hard time expressing it, much less saying it.

The pills. The fucking pills.

"Tord, did you take those Pills?" Tom was trying to hide his anger, but how drugged up Tord was he probably wouldn't notice even if Thomas was screaming at him. "Tord, I told you not too. You said you'd stop. You lied to me, again! How many times do we have to do this!? How long before you really stop? How much longer will i be forced to wait?" He was wiping his tears.

Tom wished Tord was never given those Retched Pills. They gave them to him because we was always tense, didn't know how to cope and didn't know how to show emotion. The pills fixed that. They made him more open, he smiled more, he was Happy.

But that wasn't real, was it? Because real Tord didn't abandon his meetings to go watch stars, real Tord never laughed uncontrollably at a terrible pun that Tom made, real Tord made Thomas feel something and Tom hated it, because while he was under the influence He wasn't the real Tord.

He wasn't the person Tom fell in love with.

He wasn't the person Tom was going to marry in 3 months.

he was a happy go lucky kid that didn't understand the weight of things like Real Tord did. This was a stranger he was sleeping next too. This is a stranger he's living with. This just isn't Tord.

By the time Tom was trying to get him off those damned things, he was already addicted. Addicted to feeling weightless, to all those thoughts and worries going away, he was addicted to escaping, running away.

Tom knows he's been trying. He knows that getting over an addiction isn't as easy as just saying no. The withdraws are horrible, the constant craving, the need that isn't really a need that you've become so accustomed with feeding.

He has made progress. Now only taking two a day, but it still hurts. Knowing that his Tord will be taken away from him until he can find it in himself to stop completely.

But when will that be.

"Oh, Tordle." Tom spoke softly brushing back the taller males caramel hair. "What have you gotten yourself sucked into?" The others eyes began to close at the soft words and constant hair strokes. Tord loved it when Tom did that.

~><~

Tord awoke a few hours later, thoroughly disappointed that he slept through his high. He swiveled his head around the room, looking for any sign of Tom.

Nothing.

He Had officially done it. Tom had left him.

He doesn't want to deal with a drug addict like me.

Tord thought bitterly. Now seeing it was pretty early in the morning, he decided to get ready for the day. He had neglected his work for too long now. Poor Pat was always under so much stress as it was, and now he had to constantly cover for Tordiff Larsin, other known as the infamous Red Leader.

He sighed as he pulled his red hoodie on over some black pants and combat boots. He didn't want to put his newly replaced trench coat on until he had to. It was too heavy and itchy.

When Tord opened the door he was hit with the scent from his childhood.

Pancakes?

Who was here? Had Pau and Pat learned of Tom's absence and came to Tord's apartment to make him feel better?

questions swam through Tord's mind as he walked down the hallway towards the kitchen where the smell was the strongest.

Tom?

Yes, Tom was standing in the middle of the kitchen holding a pan, flipping golden pancakes. Tord's mouth was already watering just looking at them. He never knew that Thomas could cook at all, none the less good. Tord had to admit, guys who can cook are hot.

"oh, you're awake." Tom gave a dazzling smile, a rare occurrence. Tord thought he'd be angry at him for taking the pills, but here he was. Making breakfast, dancing slightly to a song that came on over the radio.

"How early is it?" Tord found himself asking as he took a seat at the table. "Um, eight in the morning." Thomas responded while also taking a seat with a stack of fluffy pancakes drenched in syrup sitting before him.

"Eight in the morning!" Tord's eyes widened in shock "Shouldn't we be at work!?" Tord hated being late to anything if he was in his own mind. Especially his job.

"Don't worry babe, I took my days off and got you on sick release because, no offense, you aren't really all well Tord." Tord knew this was true, but he still didn't want to admit it.

Tord started to eat his pancakes until he realized something.

Thomas loves his job, that's why he has so many off days saved up, And he gave it up for Tord. At least for a time. Did he really care that much?

"What's wrong?" Tom asked ripping Tord from his thoughts. "It's just-" He struggled with his words for a bit. "You really like your job, and you didn't go today to take care of me. I don't want to keep you away from what you love." Tord felt the guilt crawling up his spine as he looked down.

"You aren't."

Tord's head shot up "wha-"

"Because you are what I love."

Tord's eyes widened. "I-I love you too."

~><~

Tom sighed as he continued to stroke Tord's hair. He wondered briefly what he was dreaming about before tucking him into bed.

"I can't handle this" He whispered to himself.

Tom went into the kitchen and wrote a quick note.

Dear Tord.

        I love you, I really do, but when you're like this you aren't you. I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle you like this. I'm leaving you. I'm sorry. I'm going to move back in with Edd if you ever want to find me and apologize after you've cleaned up your act. I'm also quitting my job, I've always hated it anyway.

                          With love, 

                                    Thomas.

Tom took a quick glance before packing his suitcase and shutting the door behind him.

He dialed Edd's number. "Hey Tom! How's you and Tord!" Edd shouted joyfully. "About that, I'm leaving him." Tom broke the news. "What!? Tom you love him, i know you do! Why would you leave him, especially in his time of need."

Tom grimaced. "I just couldn't handle it Edd. I'm moving back in, if that's okay with you." Edd shook his head sadly on the other end of the phone. "You know it is."

"Thank you Edd. We'll talk more when I get there." With that he hung up.

I'm sorry Tordle. I'm going to miss you.

He spared one last glance at the door before turning around

~><~

It's been a year.

A year since Tom had left him. A year since he moved in with Pau and Pat, not being able to handle the empty house. A year since he canceled his prescription and quit the pills all together. A year since he's been completely sober all the time. A year since he's once again claimed his title and proved it to all his men as the Red Leader. A year since the crippling depression set in.

He had to drag himself out of bed every morning. He had to make sure every door, from his office to his bedroom, was unlocked to keep him from doing anything rash. He always had a cup of coffee or a cup of hot chocolate in his hands at all time.

It was hard without his love.

When the day of what was supposed to be his wedding rolled around, he couldn't stop crying. Pat forced him to take the day off, knowing he was in no shape to work.

As of now, it was the anniversary of Tom leaving, and Tord was a wreck.

"Tord, I know today is hard, but you need to get out of bed. It's mid afternoon for Christs sake." Pau said, flipping on the lights as he entered the room. "You're a 32 year old army leader, not an angsty 18 year old boy that still has his V card." Pat came in next.

Tord groaned, knowing this was true. He just couldn't handle the pain of today.

"That's it. I hate to see you like this Tord. I bought you tickets to London. You are going to see him." Tord sat straight up. "He doesn't want to see me." his voice breaking.

"His note says that you can come back once you've quit the pills and you're a whole year clean. Please, Tord, The army needs you. We need you. Tom, needs you." Pat reasoned with his son. 

"I-I can't" Tord's voice was an octave higher and his shoulders shaking. How could he face Tom ever again?

"Please, Tord. We're begging you." Pau stepped in. Tord grabbed his sheets in his hand and took a deep breath.

"I...I'll do it."

~><~

A four hour flight and a cab ride later, Tord was in front of Edd's old apartment. From what he knew, they hadn't moved out yet, but it was still a gamble. He slowly knocked and the door slowly opened.

"Look, i told you I didn't want your- Tord?"

Tom's face showed up in the doorway, looking confused.

And Tord broke.

He fell to his knees and couldn't get up. He was sobbing uncontrollably at the feet of his ex lover. All the guilt crashed down on him all at the same time. It hurt. It hurt so much. It was like he was in the robot explosion all over again, but this time the spear actually did pierce his heart like he wished it did so many years ago.

And then Tom was there.

Covering the blubbering male with his arms, holding his face up to his with his right hand. "did you quit?" was the barely audible question that made it's way past Tom's lips. Tord nodded his head vigorously, not trusting himself enough to speak. "how long?"

"A-A ye-year."

"Why the hell didn't you come sooner?"

And with that, Tom smashed there lips together again. "Just so you know, I've had my things packed for the while I've been here. I thought you would come sooner. I've missed you so much. Oh, and by the way, the wedding is still on."

Tord never thought he would experience happiness without his pills, but here he was,

Truly happy.

He didn't even noticed the pill bottle fall out of Tom's pocket.