A couple of days later, when I had the morning off work, I headed into town to meet Harry with conflicted feelings. I knew I should stop seeing Harry. Although I did like him, I knew that I liked Joseph more. I could admit that to myself now that Joseph had been honest with me. But I also knew that the main reason I was probably still seeing Harry was that he distracted me. He kept me busy. And I liked being busy and distracted, because when I wasn't, I thought about my parents. At least in a few days school was starting, and I would have a routine. I could focus on something else. For the first time in my life, I wanted summer to end.

Harry had asked me to meet him by the quayside. He hadn't told me what he had planned, only that it would be fun. Everything he'd organised so far had been fun, so I trusted him.

Harry greeted me with a kiss. "Good morning. Are you ready for a fantastic date?"

"I mean, sure." I raised an eyebrow at him. "Care to tell me what we're doing yet?"

"You'll see in a bit." He put an arm round my shoulders and started leading me somewhere. "Did you know that you're very impatient?"

"Yes. Which is why surprises don't bode well with me. I tend to annoy people so much that they wish they'd never planned a surprise for me." I glanced up at Harry. "Are you feeling that yet?"
"Not yet. You're too cute to annoy me."

I wrinkled my nose. "I hate being called cute."

"But it's true." Harry squeezed my cheeks together with his free hand. I batted him away but I smiled. "You are very cute. Especially when you do the little wrinkled nose thing."

"I do that when I'm annoyed."

"Still cute."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Yeah, yeah."

As we walked, I realised we were heading in the direction of the harbour. My heart began to beat faster. Why was he taking me here? I hadn't been down among all the boats since the first time I met Harry. It was hard enough then – I hadn't been able to face coming back. But here we were. My mouth was drying out, making it hard for me to swallow.
"So, I thought we could go for a little boat ride." Harry stopped by a sleek speedboat. "This is my parent's boat. They said I could drive it. I've packed a little lunch and drinks..."

I began to back away. What was he thinking? Why would he think I would want to go on a boat?

"Ana?" Harry was frowning at me. "What's wrong?"

I slowly shook my head, feeling my eyes beginning to burn. I simply said in almost a whisper, "No." And then I turned and began to walk away.

"Ana!" I heard Harry jog after me. He took hold of my elbow to stop me, spinning me around to face him. "What–"

"How can you ask me what's wrong?" I said fiercely, tugging my arm out of his grip. "How can you say that?"

"Ana, I don't–"

"Why would you think I would want to go on a boat?" I snapped. "Harry, my parents drowned." I covered my mouth with my hand to calm myself down. It didn't work. "They drowned. On a boat that your family rented to them. Did you really think I would be able to step foot on a boat?"

Harry's face went from a confused frown to an expression of realisation and guilt. "Ana, I'm so sorry, I didn't – I didn't realise."

"You didn't realise?" I squeezed my eyes shut for a second. I was in real danger of crying, but I was trying my best not to. "Really? I can't even go in the water, did you know that?" I exhaled a shaky breath. "When I think about going on a boat, I can't breathe. Did you really not think, for one second, that taking me out on a boat was a bad idea?"

Harry's expression, while still remorseful, began to look a little defensive. "I'm really sorry, but I just thought it would be a nice thing to do. I just wanted to take you on a really special date."

"And you thought this would be a special date for me?" Him getting defensive was making me angrier. "Then you clearly don't know me at all!"

"That's not fair, Ana," Harry insisted. "I do know you. I just didn't think, and that was stupid. I'm sorry." He sounded genuine, but I was still mad. I had to be angry or I was going to burst into tears.

"You're right. You really didn't think." I pinched the bridge of my nose and took a few deep breaths. My anger was beginning to subside, and in its place, panic was beginning to form.

"Look, just ignore the boat. Let's go do something else," Harry said in a consoling voice. "We can just go get coffee–"

"No. I – I need to go," I mumbled.

"Please, Ana, let me make this right," he urged. "I'll make it up to you."

"I need to go," I repeated, and without waiting for him to reply, I turned and strode quickly away from him, ignoring his call after me. As I left the harbour, a tear escaped. I angrily brushed it away, but more followed.

I didn't want to get on the bus. Not like this. People would see me crying, and they would stare, or worse, ask me if I was okay. Instead I chose to walk home, walking through the quieter part of town so fewer people would see me. I had my head down, hoping that any strangers I walked past wouldn't be able to notice that I was having a bit of a breakdown. Actually, not a bit of a breakdown – a full on breakdown.

As I walked, I began to calm down a little. The tears slowed, but I was shaking. It wasn't cold. My hands were clenched into fists, my nails digging into my palms. I had almost reached the Moore's house, but I wasn't in a state to face them yet. Instead I found a public footpath and followed it away from the road. It led me to a field with long grass and a view of the sea, and I sat down, putting my head in between my knees. My thoughts were jumbled and disfigured, my vision slightly distorted. Was I dying? It felt like it. Could I even remember how to breathe? Somewhere in my disfigured mind, I remembered that I was not dying. I knew how to breathe. I focused on that thread of thought and took some deep breaths. I put my hands on the ground and dug my fingers into the grass, reminding myself of where I was. Slowly, I stopped shaking, and my mind became clearer. I was okay. Sort of.

Harry wasn't malicious. I knew he hadn't done that on purpose. I knew he had good intentions. But I was pretty sure it didn't take a genius to realise that you shouldn't take a girl on a boat whose parents drowned. His ignorance just added to the fact that I needed to stop seeing him.

I thought to myself that another reason I had freaked out about the boat was probably because of Harry's family. They rented the boat to my parents that they drowned on. I didn't think I completely trusted Harry. Obviously, I knew that it wasn't his fault my parents died. It wasn't his family's fault, either. But still a part of me worried that it was. Maybe there was something wrong with the boat that they should have checked on before they rented it to my parents. Just one small thing they could have missed, and that could have been what caused the accident.

After about fifteen minutes of sitting in the field, I felt ready to get up. So I stood, my legs still a little shaky, and I began to make my way back to the house.

***

When I got back, Alice and Joseph were both downstairs. Catherine was nowhere to be seen. Alice was sitting at the table on her laptop while Joseph was rummaging around the fridge. Both looked up at me as I came in. My eyes went to Joseph first, who frowned when he noticed my expression. Then I looked at Alice, who immediately got up and came over to me.

"Ana? What's wrong? What happened to your date with Harry?"

"Um." I swallowed. "He... tried to take me on a boat. And I freaked out."

"Oh, Ana." Alice engulfed me in a hug, resting her chin on my shoulder. I hesitantly hugged her back, glancing at Joseph. He was holding onto the edge of the counter, looking down, a stony expression on his face. Then he met my eyes, and his face softened, his expression concerned.

Alice pulled away. "That was stupid of him. Obviously that would be hard for you. Are you okay now?"

I shrugged slightly. "I guess. Kind of." I didn't feel okay. "But... I don't know." Behind Alice I could see Joseph beginning to butter a piece of toast, definitely trying to look as if he wasn't listening.

"What?" Alice said. "What don't you know?"

"If... I'm gonna keep seeing him." I didn't look at Joseph. "Not just because of this, I just don't think he's right for me. I don't think I can really trust him."

"That's understandable." Alice put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Well, tonight, why don't we have a girl's night? I'll get Ellie to come over, and we'll eat loads of food and watch a feel-good film. Ooh, and we can do face masks. Self-care and all that."

I gave a nod. "Sure. Sounds good."

"Okay. Mum's out food shopping so I'll ring her and ask her to buy some comfort food. Popcorn? Chocolate? Both?"

I sighed dramatically and thought about it. "I think both."

"Right you are."

Alice got on the phone to her mum and I finally cast my eyes to Joseph. His toast was sitting there, uneaten. His gaze met mine, and at his expression, I felt my eyes burning. I really thought I'd cried out all my tears. Joseph looked as if he was going to start towards me, but then he seemed to remember Alice, who was oblivious to the shared look between Joseph and me. I just really wanted Joseph to hug me right now. But it would have to wait.

When Ellie came over later in the day, she first took me in her arms and squeezed me tightly, and then said, "Want me to go kick his ass? Because I'll do it. Karate, remember?"

That did bring a small smile to my face. "I'd pay good money to see you take anybody on. But it's fine, although I appreciate the kind – if slightly violent – gesture."

"That's how I show you I love you." She wrapped an arm around my shoulders and led me to the living area like it was her house. "Actions speak louder than words, and all that."

"That is what they say." We both fell onto the sofa, sinking into the cushions. "God. I do kind of want to punch him, though."

"And I support that."

I even gave a light chuckle at that. "Of course. But you're also supposed to tell me that I probably shouldn't."

"Mm..." Ellie tore open a bag of crisps that Catherine had left for us and popped one in her mouth, crunching it up. "I'll tell you that you probably shouldn't do it in front of a lot of people. Might not make you look too good."

"I might also break my hand, or something. I've never actually punched somebody before."

"So we're saying a solid no to the punching idea?" Ellie sighed wistfully. "Shame. Bet we could get somebody else to do it for us." Joseph, who had disappeared for the remainder of the day before Ellie arrived, reappeared in the kitchen area. "Like Joseph. I bet he's punched somebody before."

I rolled my eyes and flicked her shoulder. "I wouldn't be completely surprised, but–"

"Hey Joseph," Ellie called casually. "Have you ever punched somebody before?"

Joseph looked up in surprise, then frowned. "Uh, why?"

"That's not a no." She gave me a sideways look as if to say, see? "Fancy punching Harry for Ana? I imagine you have a better chance at doing it without injuring yourself."

"She's joking," I said quickly, because I could definitely tell that Joseph wanted to hit Harry.

Joseph ignored me. "Sure, I'll do it. Give me a place and time, and I'll be there."

Ellie snickered. "Excellent. So you have experience?"

He shrugged. "A little. Might have gotten into my fair share of fights."

Ellie gave him a suspicious look. "I can't tell if you're lying."

"Guess you'll find out when you see me punch Harry and not break my hand."

"No one is punching anybody," I said loudly. I gave Joseph a look. "I'm serious."

A smile tugged at Joseph's lips. "If you say so."

"Ah, well." Ellie turned back around and ate another crisp. "At least we know he's got your back."

I made a noise of frustration but I was smiling. Ellie was doing a damn good job of cheering me up – that was what she'd always been good at. And Joseph... I looked over at him. He raised an eyebrow at me, and I gave him an exasperated look. He just grinned. Well, Joseph was always good at making me feel like... like I was strong. Important. At least, to him. And slowly, he was becoming one of the most important people to me.