Later on in the night, I laid in bed awake, like usual, thinking about Harry, about Joseph, about the kiss. Despite having been a beautiful, sunny day earlier, I could now hear rain drumming loudly on the roof, the wind whistling in the night. The rain wasn't the thing keeping me awake – I actually loved the sound of it, but my brain just wasn't shutting off. After Harry and I had kissed, we'd said goodbye and I'd got the bus back to Alice's house. Alice had grilled me, of course, shrieked when I told her about the kiss, all in all just being Alice. In the evening, Alice, her parents and I all had a nice dinner together, and I couldn't help but notice Joseph's absence. He'd barely been at home this past week, and his parents didn't seem to find it strange at all. Every day I spent at the Moore house made me more curious about what had gone down between them all.

I tossed and turned in bed, mind racing. I'd thought my date with Harry would help me sort out my feelings, but it didn't. It just made me more confused. God, what was I even doing?

I knew what I needed. Food.

I tiptoed out of my room and down the stairs, the loud rain masking any sound my footsteps might have made. I suddenly noticed that the light was on by the sofa. Joseph was sitting there, drawing something. I stopped, thinking about turning around and going back to my room, but our encounter earlier this afternoon firmed my resolve to keep trying with Joseph.

I walked over to the sofa and went to stand right in front of Joseph, whose only indication that he knew I was there was the brief flicker of his eyes up to me. He didn't stop sketching. I sat down next to him, and just watched him for a moment. He didn't try to hide what he was drawing from me, which was a start. He was drawing a pair of eyes, staring mysteriously out of the page. The detail was incredible.

"They're amazing," I commented, and Joseph didn't reply. I sighed and just said, "Okay. I'll wait until you've finished before I talk."

Joseph's pencil stopped moving on the paper. His eyebrows were furrowed in concentration, but then his expression relaxed and he put his sketchpad and pencil on the table next to him, leaning back on the sofa and rubbing his face with his hands in what looked like frustration.

"Are you going to apologise?" I asked.

Joseph shook his head, eyes closed.

"Are you going to say anything? And I swear to god, if you ask me about my date with Harry, I will kill you here and now."

The smallest of smiles appeared on his face. "That bad?"

"I am not talking about it with you," I said firmly. "You are going to tell me why you've been such a dick this past week. Whatever you said earlier wasn't enough."

Joseph exhaled slowly, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. "I meant what I said earlier. I don't know what else I can say."

"What happened that suddenly made you act as if I didn't even exist?" I said softly. Joseph didn't reply. "I thought – I thought you hated me."

His eyes flashed. "Of course I don't hate you, Lily."

"Well, what else was I supposed to think?" I snapped. "You helped me at the beach because you knew that I wouldn't be able to get in the water. You know that you've done a lot for me, but I just... I just want to know why you acted like this towards me. I just want to know what I did wrong."

"God, you didn't do anything wrong," Joseph said sharply. "I just – I'm sorry, okay?"

I bit my lip. "Sorry for the way you treated me or sorry because you can't tell me why?" He didn't reply. I turned to look at him, my voice slightly shaky as I said, "I'm not going to push this Joseph. I don't know what happened in your past and it's not my place to ask about it. I just don't understand what it's got to do with me." For a while he didn't answer, and so I stood up, fully intending to storm out. Just as I was walking away, he spoke.

"Nothing." I turned to see Joseph standing too, taking a few steps towards me. "It's got nothing to do with you."

The rain drummed ever louder outside. "Okay, so why? Why did you treat me like that?" I demanded, throwing my hands in the air in frustration. "Do you – do you know how humiliated you made me feel?"

What looked like guilt crossed Joseph's face fleetingly. "Lily-"

"And then," I continued, my anger building up now. "You had the nerve to be annoyed about me and Harry? You thought the night of the beach I stayed at his? Well, I didn't. I was at my old house. I was walking around town in the middle of the night because I couldn't fucking sleep. But even if I was at his, you shouldn't have cared! So what if maybe I like him! It shouldn't mean anything to you."

"And what if it does?" Joseph said in a hard voice, stepping closer to me, his gaze intense as he looked at me. "What would you say then?"

I sucked in a breath, my eyes wide. I was expecting Joseph to say it didn't mean anything, to shut me out again, because that was what he did. I didn't know how to react. For a moment, the only noise was the rainstorm and howling wind. "Does it?"

Joseph looked away, jaw clenched, not answering.

"Joseph," I said sharply. "What do I mean to you?"

He still didn't meet my eyes. Finally, Joseph said quietly, "I don't know."
I expected to feel angry at this. It wasn't a real answer. Except, I felt the same way. Joseph looked – uncertain, resigned. Resigned to what, I wasn't sure. Joseph didn't know what I meant to him, and I understood, because I wasn't sure what he was to me. I said softly, my voice shaky, "I get it."

Joseph's gaze snapped back to me, his expression a little surprised and maybe slightly confused, so I carried on talking. "I don't know either, Joseph. All – all I know, is that you've been there for me, even when I didn't know I needed someone. And... and when you started ignoring me, it just – it hurt. But if I did anything wrong, if I pissed you off, or something, I'm sorry, okay?"

Pain flashed across his face for a second, and Joseph walked right up to me, one hand gently touching the side of my face. "Don't apologise for anything. Ever."

I looked up at Joseph, feeling a tear roll down my cheek. He brushed it away with his thumb, and then tightly wrapped his arms around me in a hug, my fingers curled up against his chest. I let myself relax into his touch, the side of my cheek pressed against him, and I let out a long breath. It felt like a weight was off my shoulders. My body, rigid at first, softened and I closed my eyes, breathing deeply. It felt good, too good, to be in Joseph's arms. It probably shouldn't have, but at that moment, I didn't care. I pulled away slightly, and without thinking, lifted a hand and gently touched Joseph's face. My gaze met his. His blue eyes were intense, widening slightly as I brushed my fingers ever so lightly over his bottom lip, my hand having a mind of his own. I... I wanted to kiss him. Badly. As soon as I realised that I couldn't get the thought out of my head. But I couldn't. I couldn't, because he was my best friend's brother, because of Harry, because of everything. I couldn't, and yet every single part of my body was screaming for me to just do it. Joseph was moving closer, and he gently tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, his other hand resting lightly on my waist. His head dropped down slightly, his forehead resting against mine, our lips barely an inch apart. My eyes fluttered shut, and I was ready to give in to what I wanted.

Suddenly, a boom of thunder sounded, making both of us jump and bringing us back to our senses. We hastily pulled apart from one another and I turned away, running a hand through my hair.

"I'm sorry," Joseph said quietly, his voice slightly unsteady. "That shouldn't – we can't–"

"I know." I murmured, facing him again to see his expression tense. "We – I can't."

He nodded and rubbed his jaw. That was far too close. Even if in the moment I had really wanted to kiss Joseph, we couldn't. We were both just a little too fucked up for that.

I exhaled slowly. "I... I should get some sleep."

Joseph merely nodded, folding his arms. "Probably."

Another clap of thunder resonated through the house. I didn't make a move to go upstairs. Joseph and I were still staring at each other. It felt like something had been left unsaid, only I didn't know what. Well, maybe I did know, but neither of us were brave enough to say it.

"Okay," I said, finally stepping forward to head towards the stairs. "Okay, I'm going."

A hint of amusement flickered on Joseph's face. "Okay, Lily."

Seeing the smallest of smiles on Joseph's lips made me feel warm inside. I hadn't seen one of those in a while. And it made me want to smile back. So I did. It was an exasperated half-smile, accompanied by a roll of my eyes, but it was a smile nonetheless. Another step towards the stairs. "Okay. Goodnight."

There was still an amused smirk on Joseph's face. "Goodnight."

I pressed my lips together. I was finally at the bottom of the stairs, Joseph standing only a couple of steps away. I was trying to make myself go upstairs, but I wanted to do something first. I glanced back at Joseph to see him still watching me. Without thinking about it for too long, I very quickly crossed the distance towards Joseph, and going up on tiptoes, I pressed my lips briefly against his cheek in a soft kiss. Before I could see his reaction, I headed quickly upstairs, unable to stop a smile from spreading across my face.

***

When I woke up the next morning, the sun was well up in the sky, and when I checked my phone, I saw that it was almost noon. I lay there for a moment, realising that I'd slept in. After my encounter with Joseph, I had gone to sleep and stayed asleep, which was nothing short of remarkable.

It was a Sunday, which meant Alice would be at her dance academy, and I had nothing to do. I only worked at Melissa's in the week, leaving my weekends free. And I had no idea what to do with myself.

I trundled downstairs to find Catherine and Mark sitting round the table, drinking coffee and reading the newspaper. My heart panged. They were always so happy together, still in love after all this time.

"Morning," I said. "Or, afternoon, even."

"Afternoon, Ana," Catherine said, laughing slightly. "I'm glad to see you slept in. Think you needed it."

I grimaced internally. Clearly everyone knew that I hadn't been sleeping very much. The bags under my eyes probably gave me away. "Yeah, think I did. Alice at dance?"

"She is. What are you up to today?"

I shrugged, putting the kettle on to boil to make myself a coffee. "Not really sure. Maybe I'll see Ellie."

"Oh, speaking of," Catherine said suddenly, folding up her newspaper and taking off her glasses. "We're going to their house for dinner next weekend."

I raised an eyebrow. "We are?"

"Yes, we are. I know Ellie and her mother don't have the best relationship, but I spoke to Karen the other day, and she said she's really trying. Her boyfriend Michael will also be there."

I stopped myself from making a face. "Oh. Um. Okay." I couldn't imagine what Ellie would have to say about this.

Catherine half smiled at me. "I know, it's a little strange, but Karen seems to really love Michael. We're going to give him a chance." Mark just sat there still reading the newspaper, oblivious to everything going on.

I nodded, attempting a smile, but it was half-hearted. I immediately wondered if Joseph would be going, too. "Okay, well, I might go for a jog." I glanced outside. It was no longer raining, luckily.

"Okay. When you get back, we might be out," Catherine told me. Mark looked up in confusion, clearly having no idea where they were going. "We're going to see my parents, remember?" Catherine reminded him with a small laugh. It made me smile, because Mark reminded me of my dad in this sense. My mum was the organised one, planning all the people they were going to see while my dad just had no idea what was going on. I swallowed, feeling that hollowness in my chest. I turned away to pour my coffee, taking a deep breath before facing Catherine and Mark again and saying, "Okay, I'm going to go get ready for the day." I vanished upstairs coffee in hand before they could reply to me. I was trying to get to my room so quickly that my coffee spilled over the rim and onto my hand, and I hissed in pain. "Shit. Ow."

"You alright?" I looked up to see Joseph stepping out of the bathroom, wet hair, only wearing a towel around his waist, slung low on his hips. I stared, completely forgetting about the pain on my hand. I dragged my gaze from Joseph's body up to his face, where he was smirking at me as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. And I was thinking some pretty inappropriate thoughts.

"Um" was all that came out of my mouth after I realised I hadn't said anything in a while since I was too busy ogling his body. "Uh, yeah. Just, uh, spilled some scalding hot coffee on myself. Not a big deal."

Joseph just shook his head at me, turning away and walking back to his bedroom. I watched him go, admiring his muscled back, feeling like I was practically drooling.

"Hey Lily?" My gaze snapped up to see Joseph looking back at me, a sly smile on his face. "You should really just take a picture, it'll last longer."

I rolled my eyes, but I was half-smiling. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure you don't." Joseph winked at me – winked – and shut the door behind him. I mentally slapped myself, thinking, what the fuck are you doing, Lily? As I sat at my desk and drank my coffee in my room, I thought that I was making a right mess of things. Going on dates with Harry, kissing Harry, flirting with Joseph... this was not like me. At all. If I carried on like this, I would be sure to fuck up at some point.

Except, I wasn't really sure I cared.