It was late when we all started to head back to our respective homes. Alice's parents had trusted Alice, Joseph and me to bring everything back home on the bus since they wanted to head back earlier, but I supposed it would just be Alice and me taking everything back. Ellie and Sam left together, Sam throwing us a wink over his shoulder. I couldn't get Joseph off my mind even though I was having fun with Harry. I just kept thinking that if it was only Joseph who'd gone, I wouldn't be worrying so much. But Millie had gone too, and I couldn't stop imagining the reasons why. But I also knew that I should not be caring this much. Joseph was my best friend's older brother, and I couldn't – I shouldn't – see him in that way. And I didn't.

When we got to the bus stop, Alice and I parted with the others. Just before they left, Harry took me aside while Alice said goodbye to his friends and Ryan.

"Ana, I had a lot of fun tonight." He tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. "But I was thinking we could do something some time, just us two?"

My lips parted in surprise, and I thought for a moment. What did I have to lose? "Yeah, that would be nice."

Harry smiled. "Great. I'll message you." And without warning, he leaned down and pressed his lips lightly against mine, just for a second. I stood there, shocked. He winked at me before turning and gathering his friends, wandering off and laughing with each other.

"Ana!" Alice practically shouted right in my ear. "Did I just see Harry kiss you?"

"I think so," I said, staring thoughtfully after Harry.

"And?"

I glanced at her. "And what?"

"And, I thought you didn't like him?" She raised her eyebrow at me.

I didn't answer for a second, frowning to myself while I tried to work out my conflicted feelings. "You know, I thought so too. I'm... I'm a little confused."

"Why?" She slapped me lightly on the shoulder. "What's not to like about him? He's attractive, nice, and he's a lot of fun. I'd date him."

"Good to know."

Alice linked her arm with mine. "Come on, let's go home. I'm still a little tipsy and I'm craving ice cream and cookies."

We hopped on the next bus home, and when we got back, it looked like Alice's parents had gone to bed, and Joseph was nowhere to be seen. I wanted to ask Alice where she thought her brother might be, but I also didn't want to seem like I cared that much. So I kept my thoughts to myself as Alice collapsed on the sofa while I got some food out of the fridge and handed it to her. Feeling uncomfortable in my beachwear, I said to Alice, "I'm going to run upstairs and change. Be back in one sec."

"Okay, but be quick because I might eat all the food," she sang, and I shook my head at her.

Once upstairs, I glanced down towards Joseph door and also noticed that the bathroom door was closed. Maybe he just came home by himself and went to bed, and maybe it was a coincidence that Millie also left. But then the bathroom door opened, and Millie stepped out, wearing a man's shirt and apparently nothing else.

So it wasn't a coincidence after all.

I froze in place, my heart sinking. They had come back together. And from the looks of things, they'd slept together. Millie suddenly noticed me, and she smiled. It wasn't a friendly smile.

"Oh, hey Ana." Her voice was breezy and casual. "Hope you don't mind me staying over tonight. Wait, this isn't actually your house, so I don't really need your permission." She winked slyly at me. "Don't mind me."

I was still frozen, but now anger was rising up inside me. Usually Millie's comments didn't get to me, but right now, I felt almost... hurt, and pissed off. Oh, I was definitely pissed off. But when Joseph stepped out of his room, shirtless, the hurt rose above the anger.

The only expression on his face was surprise. "Oh. Hey, Ana." Did he just call me Ana? He crossed his arms. "Didn't realise you guys would be back so soon."

"It got cold on the beach," I said, my voice flat. "Don't let me get in your way." And without another word I quickly went into my bedroom, shutting the door behind me.

I sat on my bed and put my head in my hands, breathing in and out slowly. This should not have affected me so much, but it did. I didn't know what it was. I couldn't be jealous, I just couldn't. It was Joseph; he was Alice's brother. I barely even knew him, really. Just because he'd shared some things with me didn't make me special. He went to school with Millie; he'd known her for years. She probably knew more than I did. And again – he was Alice's brother. I had to stop feeling this way, because I couldn't, and he didn't.

I took another deep breath to compose myself before changing into some comfy clothes, brushing my windswept hair and removing any makeup that was left. I glanced at myself in the mirror, giving a huff of amusement at how I looked. My cheeks were red from the wind, my hair was still knotted and all puffed up, and I didn't look too happy, either. To be honest, it was even a wonder that Harry wanted to go on a date with me.

I went back downstairs, purposefully not looking at Joseph's door, to find Alice watching 'Friends' and stuffing her face with cookies.

"So," I said, sitting next to her on the sofa. "Millie came back with Joseph."

Alice glanced at me, an expression of shock on her face. "Seriously?"

"Yeah. But are you really that surprised?" I grabbed a cookie, trying to keep my face composed.

"Um." She looked away, and I thought I saw a flash of anger. "Yeah. I am. I can't believe he would do that."

"Why?" I was a little confused by Alice's reaction. "What's the big deal?"

She didn't reply for a minute, and then she put a smile on her face as she turned back towards me. "Nothing. It's not a big deal. It's just weird, you know? It's Millie, she's kinda annoying. No big deal." Alice turned back to the TV, and although she tried to make it seem like she wasn't, she definitely seemed angry. There was something she wasn't telling me, but it wasn't really my business, so I didn't push it.

Instead, I tried to lighten the mood by saying, "Who do you think you're most like in 'Friends'?"

Alice grinned. "I would say I'm Phoebe. Would you agree?"

"I would definitely agree, but only because you're so weird." I threw a cushion at her playfully.

"I would personally use the word quirky." She threw the cushion back. "Besides, you're the one that plays the guitar. Shouldn't you be Phoebe?"

"No, because I'm not flaky," I said slyly.

Alice mock gasped. "I am not flaky. Ellie's the flaky one in our group."

"You know, I'd have to agree with you there. I love her, I really do, but she is so flaky. So maybe she's Phoebe. In which case..." I thought for a moment, analysing Alice. "You're Joey. Or Monica. Maybe a mix."

"I will happily take that. And you can be Chandler, because you make bad jokes. Or Rachel, since sometimes you wear nice clothes."

"Oh, great, thanks. Sometimes I wear nice clothes?" I looked down at myself. "Like right now? Do I look hot in my trackies?"

"Scorching hot, baby," Alice said, grinning. "No wonder Harry wanted to kiss you."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, shut up." I suddenly that Joseph was stood in their doorway, clearly having heard our conversation. Our eyes met for a second before he cleared his throat and made his way towards the kitchen.

"Hey, Joe, what are you doing?" Alice called; her voice slightly accusatory.

"Just getting some food." He looked up at Alice. "Is that a crime?"

Alice narrowed her eyes. "No, but..." Her eyes flickered to me and she sighed. "Never mind."

"Fine. Oh, and Ana, you've got a message from Harry," Joseph said bluntly before heading back upstairs with his food. I jumped up and retrieved my phone from the table and saw that I did in fact have a text from Harry.

"Ooh, what does it say?" Alice asked eagerly, clearly forgetting her annoyance with Joseph in the excitement of me getting a message from Harry. "Is it a nude? Please let it be a nude."

I gave her a look. "It is not a nude, he's suggesting a place and day for our date."

"How exciting! Where are you going? When are you going?" Alice honestly seemed more excited than me. I really should have been excited.

"He... wants to take me bowling." I raised an eyebrow at Alice.

"Hey, bowling can be fun," she insisted. "It can be a good icebreaker, you know? Because you're awful at bowling, and he'll probably be really good, and he can make fun of you for how bad you are–"

"Great, thanks," I interrupted, and she laughed.

"No problem. You're gonna go, though, right?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."

Alice frowned at me. "You guess? That doesn't sound very enthusiastic. Are you sure you want to go?"

"I do," I assured her. And I did want to go, because maybe the date would help sort out my conflicted feelings. "I just don't know how much I like him. I'm a little confused."

"But... have you seen him?" she said incredulously. "He's... he's so pretty."

"He is pretty," I agreed. "And it'll be fun." Maybe.

That night, I couldn't sleep. I mean, most nights I couldn't sleep that much, but I usually got a few hours in. But tonight, it got to four o'clock in the morning, and I still hadn't slept. I just couldn't stop thinking. About Harry, about Joseph, about my parents. After tossing and turning for a long time, I finally sat up and switched the light on, running a hand through my hair. My eyes went to the photo album on the bookshelf. It contained pictures of my parents and me, and I hadn't touched it since they... died. I wasn't sure if I could. My parents had been gone for about a month and a half now, and I missed them so much, and it didn't seem to be getting better. I needed to look at those pictures; I needed to see their faces.

Slowly, quietly, I got up and retrieved the album, taking a deep breath before opening it. The first picture was when I was about seven, and I was eating an ice cream, but it was smeared all over my face. My dad was crouching next to me, grinning cheekily at the camera with an arm around me. My heart panged, and I put a hand over my mouth to stifle a sob. The next picture was all three of us on a beach, with me on dad's shoulders, and mum laughing up at us. I ran a finger over mum's face, a tear falling and splashing onto the photo. I couldn't do this. Not yet. I slammed the book shut and threw it across the room, burying my face in my pillow. I just didn't want to feel this pain anymore, this hole inside me.

I suddenly heard footsteps in the corridor, and I lifted my head, glancing over. They stopped outside my door, as if debating whether to knock, or not. I listened while holding my breath, but eventually whoever it was walked away. I let out a shaky breath, wiping my eyes. If that was Joseph outside, I wished he had come in, or knocked, or something, because right now, I... I wanted to see him. But instead, he was with Millie.

I knew I wasn't going to sleep, so I sat at my desk, a pen in hand, staring at a blank page. My hand was shaking. And nothing was coming to mind. I couldn't write anything. I glanced out my window into the dark, feeling the need to get out, to go outside and breathe in fresh air. So I pulled on a thick sweatshirt, grabbed a coat, put shoes on and left the house.

It was fairly warm outside for four in the morning, but then again, it was the end of July. I used to be afraid of the dark when I was younger, but now I'd seen the bigger picture, I realised that being in the dark was not the worst thing that could happen to you. It no longer scared me, and right now, I felt calm.

I didn't realise where my feet were taking me until I started to recognise the road I was on. It was a road that I'd walked and drove along so many times. It was the road I grew up on. I didn't stop walking until I reached my old house, and I looked up at it, a feeling of nostalgia growing inside me.

My house looked cold and empty, and already the front garden was getting overgrown without my dad there to groom it. He always loved gardening; he said it calmed him. Often he would try and get mum and me to help, and we would complain, and he just didn't understand why we did not like gardening. We might have complained, but we would still help him. Without him here to keep everything in order, weeds were growing and most of his roses had died. I bit my lip hard to stop myself from crying. I missed mum and dad, so, so much, but I also didn't realise how much I missed home. Seeing my house here reminded me of the weekends we spent together, cooking a big breakfast for dad because he didn't have to work on weekends, and mum would go to yoga class with her friends, and I would sit in the garden when it was warm with my guitar or while doing homework just to keep dad company while he gardened.

I pulled out my phone, all the while looking at my house, and I dialled mum's number. Instead of the usual message from her, all I got was a robotic voice telling me the number was unavailable. The same happened with dad's number. I let out a sob. I just wanted to hear their voices, but now I couldn't. If they just hadn't gone out that night, or if they had done something else for their anniversary, they would still be here. And I wouldn't be in agony, every single day.

After staring at my house for another few minutes, I finally gathered the courage to start walking away. But I didn't walk back to Alice's house. Instead, I walked towards the beach. It was a good half hour walk, but I didn't mind. The roads were so quiet; I was the only person awake it seemed at this hour. I didn't feel the slightest bit scared despite the fact that it was nearly five o'clock in the morning and if something bad happened to me, no one would hear, probably. The small town that I lived in was generally pretty safe, so I often wandered about by myself.

When I got to the beach, I sat on the sand, a fair distance from the edge of the sea, and I stared out at the horizon. So many thoughts were running through my head, but I did my best to ignore them. Instead, I let the morning breeze caress me face, my hair, and I watched as the sun began to rise.