I was numb.

I had been for a while now.

When I received the news, I cried. I cried so much that I thought I might have cried all the tears I had in me. At the funeral, everyone was sobbing. I cried then, too. I had to stand up in front of everyone and talk, and it was the hardest thing I had ever done. I nearly backed out, but I told myself I had to do it for them. For my parents.

After the funeral, it was like a switch went off inside me. I couldn't feel anything. Everything I did was robotic and emotionless. When I talked to family friends who came to see how I was doing, it was like I wasn't even present during the conversations. I was empty.

My parents died on July 2nd, two weeks ago now, while I was at home. It was their anniversary. Dad took mum out for a meal on a rented boat. Mum always wanted a boat, but we didn't have the kind of money to actually buy one. So he surprised her. Ever the romantics, my parents – I used to envy their love for each other, hoping I would find someone who looked at me the way they looked at each other. And now – they were dead. Their boat capsized, and they drowned. I think a part of me died too.

For the past couple of weeks, I'd been staying in this hotel owned by a friend of my parents, but today I was moving in with my best friend, Alice. At least until I got a job and earned enough money to maybe rent myself a place when I turned 18. I didn't want to have to be a burden to her family.

Alice's family, the Moore's, were the kindest people, and I was grateful that mum and dad named them as the family I would live with, were I under 18 when they died. I had a couple of relatives, but none my parents ever really kept in touch with. The Moore's were basically family anyway. All except Alice's older brother, Joseph, who I'd only met when I was younger, so all I remembered were brief snippets of him and Alice bickering and fighting as siblings do. As we got older, Joseph was never at home, and decided to go to a boarding school rather than the one Alice and I attended. So I just never saw him.

I was still numb as I packed up bags with all my clothing and other possessions in. It was with robotic movements that I left my room, walking straight past my parents' room and out the house. I didn't look back.

As I drove myself to Alice's house, I tried to enjoy my last ride in my car - I couldn't afford the insurance or fuel myself, so I was selling it. I didn't really need it, anyway. The town of Newacre was fairly well connected, with lots of public transport, and it wasn't a very big town. I would be able to walk from Alice's house to the harbour and beach within thirty minutes or so. I liked living in a small town, but small towns also mean that rumours and gossip gets around quickly. I was sure that soon enough, people would start to stare, and I would be known as the girl who lost both her parents. Poor orphaned Liliana.

I arrived at Alice's house and parked before switching off the ignition. I sat there for a while, staring at the familiar building, taking some deep breaths before getting out of the car and popping open the boot to grab my bags.

I heard the front door open and looked up to see a boy strolling down the path to the road, throwing and catching car keys in one hand and tapping on his phone in the other. When he looked up and saw me, he stopped and frowned. I turned away and carried on lifting my heavy bags out of the car, vaguely recognising him as Joseph. He looked a hell of a lot different to how he looked when he was what, ten? Eleven? I couldn't remember. I heard footsteps approaching me and kept my eyes down until his feet were right next to me. Slowly I stood up straight and met some very blue eyes.

"Can I help you?"

I blinked. "Oh, I'm Liliana. Ana for short. I'm Alice's friend."

Joseph paused and looked me up and down slightly, saying in a flat tone. "Right. Ana. You've changed."

"Yeah, that's what happens when people get older," I said, possibly a bit harshly. Joseph just raised his eyebrows. "Sorry. Anyway, I, uh, assume your family told you I was staying with you guys?"

He sighed. "Yeah." And he sounded just ecstatic that that was the case. I looked up at him to see him pursing his lips slightly, as if thinking about something. And then he said, "I'm, uh, sorry to hear about your parents."

"Thanks." My voice was lifeless. Emotionless. But then again, so was his. "You're Joseph, right? We met when we were younger, but I don't really remember you very well, I guess."

"Likewise."

I narrowed my eyes. "Okay, well, nice to see you again, or whatever."

He gave a cynical huff of amusement. "Yeah, okay. You're in the spare bedroom."

I swallowed, and then nodded. I wished Alice had told me she was going to be out, although to be fair I was early. Joseph rolled his eyes and brushed past me to get to his car. I sighed and hoisted one of my bags over one shoulder and another over the other. I glanced at the house. I was going to have to make two or three trips for sure. These bags were heavy.

I began to stumble up the path to the house, trying desperately to ignore Joseph who I could see out of the corner of my eye, watching me as he stood by his car. After a moment he shook his head slightly and made his way over to me.

"Just give me these." He planted himself in front of me and took both my bags off my shoulders before I could protest. He turned and walked easily up to the house, making it look like the bags weighed nothing. I huffed and grabbed two more, leaving one left in the boot. These ones were slightly lighter and I managed to carry them fairly easily up to the house. Joseph appeared in the doorway and glanced behind me.

"Are there more?" he said in annoyance.

"Only one," I muttered. "I can get it, it's fine–" He grazed past me before I could finish my sentence.

I shook my head and reached the house, trudging up the stairs before dumping my bags on the bed in the spare room. I glanced around me, taking in the room I'd be staying in for the next year or so. I'd never really been in here much, whenever I came over to Alice's house we would always sleep in her room. This room was fractionally smaller than hers, with light blue walls, a white and blue patterned duvet on a king-sized bed, a white dressing table in front of a big window and a white chest of drawers in the other. The blue theme reminded me of the ocean. It would have been calming, only... the idea of the ocean terrified me now.

I heard footsteps and turned to see Joseph with the last bag. He dropped it on the floor, and then leaned against the doorframe, watching me. I pretended not to notice as I zipped open my bags and began to unpack.

"You know, this is usually the time when someone would say thank you," he said sarcastically. I rolled my eyes and stood up straight to face him. He was considerably taller than me, so I had to tilt my head slightly to meet his eyes.

"I could have managed it myself."

Joseph raised his eyebrows. "I'm sure." When I didn't say anything, I heard him sigh in annoyance. "Alice will be back soon. I gotta go." He turned and began walking out of the room.

"Thanks." The word slipped out of my mouth, and Joseph paused. He glanced back at me, his expression indecipherable, before he carried on walking downstairs. After a moment, I heard the door slam.

I exhaled slowly before continuing with my unpacking. After about ten minutes, I heard the door open and close, and voices were talking quietly. Someone was then running up the stairs and I could tell it was Alice.

"Ana, hey!" I was suddenly engulfed with a tight hug. Alice stepped back with a grin on her face. "You're early! Sorry I wasn't here when you arrived, who let you in?"

"Uh, Joseph did. Hadn't seen him in a long time."

Alice's smile faded slightly. "He wasn't too much of an ass, was he?" she said worriedly.

Not an ass, just weirdly detached. "No, he was fine. Helped me with my bags actually."

She raised her eyebrows slightly. "Huh. Well. Let me help you unpack."

"That's okay," I assured her, shaking my head.

Alice snorted. "Come on, Ana. You've got loads of luggage. I'm going to help you whether you like it or not. And then, this evening, we're all going out for supper. You're going to love it."

"Sounds great," I said with a slightly forced smile, hoping Alice wouldn't notice that it was fake. "Let's unpack, then."

***

Later on in the evening, Alice and I were getting ready together and putting on our makeup in the bathroom. We'd gone downstairs earlier so I could say hi to Catherine and Mark, and they greeted me with warm hugs and smiles, clearly thinking I was going to fall apart any second. I assured them I was doing okay, but I was pretty sure they didn't believe me. Why would they?

"Look, I wanted to show you this new makeup I bought," Alice said, rummaging through her makeup bag. "There's this really nice colour that I think will go with your eyes."

Joseph suddenly appeared in the bathroom, rubbing his eyes and glancing up at us in annoyance. "For god's sake, Alice, I need a shower." He'd clearly just been on a run, dressed in exercise gear and slightly sweaty.

Alice frowned. "Don't be rude. This is Ana. You have to be nice to her."

Joseph didn't look at me. "Sure. Whatever. Can I have a shower?"

"Ana and me are getting ready, obviously," she gestured to the makeup, "so use mum and dad's bathroom."

Joseph scowled. "How long does it take?"

"A while. Now go away." Alice gave him a shove and shut the door behind him. "Sorry. Anyway. Can I please, please do your eyeshadow?"

I rolled my eyes. I was pretty good at makeup myself, but I had a feeling Alice was going to be insisting on doing everything for me. If it made her feel better, I'd let her. "Sure. Why not?"

She grinned and took out a makeup palette of many colours, and after a while of poking and patting and brushing she pronounced it finished before moving on to mascara. Afterwards, she stepped back to admire her handiwork. "Amazing. The difference. I'm a genius."

"Oh, because I was so ugly before?" I teased.

"Of course not, don't be silly. You are beautiful with and without makeup."

I put a hand to my heart. "Wow. Compliment of the century."

"That's the part where you're supposed to say that I'm beautiful too."

I let out a short, strained laugh. "Well of course you are."

When we finally finished getting ready, we wandered downstairs to see Catherine and Mark talking in quiet tones, but as soon as they saw us, they stopped, which led me to wonder whether they'd been talking about me. That was all anybody seemed to do at the moment anyway.

"Oh, you girls look gorgeous!" Catherine explained. Joseph, who was leaning against the table on his phone, glanced up just for a second before looking back at his phone disinterestedly. "Ready to go?"

"Yep," Alice answered for both of us.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Armino's," Joseph answered me without looking up.

"Try not to sound so excited about it," Alice said with a pout. "It's the best restaurant ever, and Ana loves it. Pasta and pizza and dough-balls. Yum."

"Let's go, then." Mark picked up the car keys and led us all out of the house. Joseph, Alice and I squashed in the back of the car, Alice in the middle, chatting to me animatedly while I tried to keep up and respond as much as I could. Joseph ignored everyone as he watched the scenery go past. For some reason, he didn't seem to like his family much.

The evening was nice, as far as evenings go. Alice was loud as ever, telling stories and trying her hardest to get me to smile. I had a feeling this whole evening was a distraction for me. The whole Moore family – except for Joseph, it seemed – were obviously watching me for a breakdown to suddenly happen. They did everything to keep my mind off of my parents, including ordering my favourite dessert – apple pie. They didn't know that my mum used to make the best apple pie. I didn't tell them this – they would have felt awful about it. Of course, I would have reassured them but how could I tell them that seeing the apple pie didn't actually make me feel anything at all? It would make me sound heartless and cold. I wasn't heartless and cold. I was in denial. The fact that I almost knew I was in denial made it even more confusing for me, because what did I expect? That my parents would suddenly turn out to be alive, that they hadn't actually died in the river? They had. They were dead when they were found; there was no way to save them. I saw them buried at the funeral. But I couldn't accept that I would never see them again, that I would never hear their voices or talk to them. It was easier that way. Easier to be numb to the world than to live in agony.

When we got back, Alice announced she was going to have an early night since she had dance class tomorrow. Alice had been dancing since she was really young, and I honestly wished I was as graceful as her but I just wasn't. I liked sport but I couldn't dance for shit.

Catherine and Mark went to bed as well, which left Joseph and I downstairs together. I was making myself a hot chocolate to have in bed – something I always tended to have when I was at the Moore's house – while Joseph was lying on the sofa, doing something on his laptop. There was some soft music coming from his phone, and I listened carefully, trying to recognise the song as my hot chocolate heated up. When I realised what song it was, my eyebrows raised.

"Oh, you like 'The Temper Trap'?" The words fell out of my mouth before I could stop them, but I was just surprised. Most guys I knew liked rap and hip-hop, but apparently Joseph was more into alternative rock.

He glanced up at me, and said sharply, "Yeah. So?"

I shrugged. "I wasn't implying anything, it's just... I like them as well."

Joseph observed me for a second before muttering, "good to know."

I rolled my eyes. "Look, I was just saying. I'm just trying to, I don't know, get to know you a bit better–"

"Please, don't," he said immediately, jaw clenched slightly. I frowned.

"We're living together now, in case you hadn't noticed. You could be a little bit nicer."

"I helped you with your bags, didn't I?" he stated indifferently, keeping his eyes on his laptop.

"Yeah, really enthusiastically, too," I retorted. The microwave beeped, signalling my hot chocolate was ready. I didn't move to get it. "You don't have to act so hostile. I get that it's a pain to have some girl move in to your home, I do. But you don't have to be so rude to your family."

Joseph shut his laptop, hard, and got up, walking over. His face was hard as he stopped mere inches away from me.

"Are you trying to be annoying? You don't know shit about me, or my parents." He looked away and shook his head. "It's not your business. So don't push it." He began to turn and walk away, but more words slipped out of my mouth.

"Well, at least your parents are still alive."

Joseph stopped, and then sighed. He rubbed his face before turning to me. He breathed a slow breath out and said quietly, "I am sorry about your parents. Honestly."

He did sound sincere. But he was still pissing me off. Before I could open my mouth to say anything else, he carried on.

"But," Joseph said sharply, "I'm not particularly sorry about being a dick. I guess that's just my personality."

"Yeah, I guess so," I shot back, folding my arms. We glared at each other for a while before Joseph spoke again.

"You know, you don't really seem like a person who's just lost their parents."

I gave a short, sarcastic laugh. "So, what are you suggesting? That my parents are secretly alive and I'm hiding it or something?"

He studied me for a moment. "No. You're just in denial. My parents think you're going to break down any second, but I don't think you are. Are you?"

I was silent for a bit, and then I said, "No." I bit my lip before carrying on in a quieter voice. "I can't feel anything."

He didn't reply for a moment, and then said, "That's what I thought." We were both quiet for a while, and then Joseph nodded at me before saying, "Night."

I just stood there after he was gone, and then I remembered my hot chocolate. I opened the door of the microwave and took out my drink. I took a sip.

It was cold.