It hurt to know she wasn't really happy to see me.

One thing I loved about Julie was her honesty. She had one of those faces that just transmitted her emotions without filter, and right now that she was looking at me, I could see the apprehension in her blue eyes, that flicker of "Oh jeez, here we go.". Awkward encounter incoming.

I swallowed my disappointment.

"So, how've you been?" It wasn't a strong opener, but it was better than silence. Marginally.

"Oh, you know ..." she trailed off, inviting me to imagine all kinds of things.

I shifted, rocking back and forth on the rubber soles of my sneakers. Seen any goat-faced demons lately? Anyone been trying to steal your soul? There was no way to ask any of that stuff.

Muzak flowed into the silence that stretched between us. Hey, I'm actually in control of your fate right now. Another thing I couldn't say. There were probably millions of people who'd kill to have that power over their exes, but I just didn't want to be that kind of person.

I wasn't spiteful and cruel. At least I wanted to think I wasn't.

Julie was looking at me expectantly, waiting for whatever I was going to unleash on her. It occurred to me how mean and stalkerish it was for me to shop up here, at her workplace where she couldn't simply leave.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out.

"Nevin, you don't have to–"

"No, I do," I interrupted her as the wave of self-loathing crested over my head. "I messed things up. I was a dick to you for no real reason and I am truly sorry."

"I hurt you." Julie's eyes softened. There was real regret in them. "I ... I mean this must sound stupid and maybe it just makes things worse, but I wish I could have been ... you know ..." She rolled her eyes and this time her smile looked a little more sincere. "I guess more of a lesbian."

I'm just not that attracted to you. I'm sorry. And it's not you being you ... I really like you! It's you being a woman ...

"Yeah, I mean, you said ..." I sounded pitiful, even to my own ears. "But you're okay, right? Nothing weird happened or anything?"

"Huh?" Julie cocked her head. "What do you mean?"

I sighed, relieved that the goat demon hadn't paid her a visit. "Nothing, just, you know, be careful."

She raised an eyebrow and looked up at me quizzically from behind her register. "Nevin, why did you come here?" There was a hint of suspicion in her voice.

I took a step back. She'd caught me being a weirdo and now I needed an excuse. "Uuh, what? I mean, this is a supermarket, why wouldn't I come here?"

"You're here to shop?" She looked pointedly at my empty hands. "It's just that we talked about giving each other space."

"Yeah, I know." I was there, remember? I swallowed the snarky addendum and fidgeted a little. "I came to get something and I just didn't want to be rude and not say hi first. But now that I've done that. I'll just grab my thing and go." I didn't want to sound hurt, but I probably did. I snatched the first vaguely colorful thing I saw out of the corner of my eye from the shelf and dropped it triumphantly on the conveyor.

Julie picked it up to scan the barcode. Her eyebrows rose to her hairline as she identified the item I'd chosen. I did a tiny double-take myself when I realized what it was. A box of condoms. The colored ones. There was a bright pink banner on the cover advertising new flavors.

Julie's gaze flicked up at me.

I felt my palms dampen with sweat. Way to go, self, I thought. Why not just grab the thing I had the least use for?

"Oh? Are you ..." Julie paused, her brows furrowing. The register beeped in what felt like accusation. "... seeing someone?"

Wait ... was she ... jealous?

I tried to rein in my expression, but I could feel it going all over the place regardless. My heart was pounding and I actually had to suppress a giddy little shiver at the thought that maybe, just maybe, the idea of me dating might elicit a reaction from Julie.

But then, we'd only just broken up a day earlier; everything was still so fresh. Perhaps Julie was a little raw, too. I'd like that, I realized. I wanted her to feel a little hurt.

"Yeah, well, actually ..." I drifted off, my mind racing. "I am!" I finally chirped like the brain-dead little idiot I was.

"Seriously? Wow, Nevin, I'm so happy for you!"

This was not the reaction I'd expected and it sure as hell wasn't the one I'd hoped for. Here was Julie, beaming at me, her face aglow with relief. The sight made something inside of me shrivel and die.

"And a guy?" Julie winked at me in a way that made me wish the goat-headed monstrosity would appear and drag me away then and there.

"I mean, I am bi." This was not a lie. However, I hadn't actually dated a man or even a male-idetifying person in... well... ever. While I was attracted to men, the thought of being in a relationship with one was such a turn-off that I'd never viewed it as a viable option. It was kind of like horse-riding as a means of transportation. While it was technically possible and horses did exist in the real world, it seemed so cumbersome and antiquated that I couldn't fathom why anyone would bother with it when cars were easily accessible.

I could look at horses and appreciate them as beautiful animals, but I knew they were more trouble than they were worth. For one thing, I didn't want to have to shovel their shit.

And that went for men too.

"Do I know him?" Julie asked. She looked genuinely interested, her eyes wide and alert. This wasn't just small talk to her; she was eager for hot goss.

And just like that, I had become a girl she wanted to talk boys with, the last thing I wanted to be.

"No," I muttered. "I don't think so."

"Where'd you meet him? The library?"

"Nope ..."

"Hey, maybe Pavel and I could go on a double-date with the two of you."

I felt as though my insides were turning into liquid. Why did this still hurt so damn much? She'd already told me to my face that she wasn't really attracted to me. That she'd just seen our little friendship plus kissing as an exploration of her sexuality. Whereas I'd fallen head over heels, for her, it had merely confirmed what she'd always suspected, that she was as straight as an arrow.

It'd never been serious for her, I should have known that by now. How could I have been so dense?

"I ... I gotta go, I have a thing ..." An appointment with what might be the devil, but even that looked good compared to whatever this had been.

I grabbed the pack of condoms and headed for the exit. Of course the moment I got there was the moment Pavel sauntered in, and I almost ran face first into the brick wall that was his body.

"Woah! Watch where you're going!" Pavel sidestepped me like I was some kind of dirty puddle on the ground and walked over to his ex-ex-girlfriend. "Hiya, sugar," I heard him drawl. Julie giggled in response. I might as well have ceased to exist, for all she cared.

I sighed and walked out.

You could still send them to hell, an evil little voice whispered in my ear.

But no, I couldn't. Julie might have hurt my feelings, but she didn't deserve eternal damnation for that.

I had to find another way.

*

Back home I was deeply depressed. A part of me wanted to go straight back to drinking, while another part was once again looking for confirmation that the whole spell and demon thing had been all in my head.

Every time I tried to convince myself it hadn't been real, I made myself return to the bathroom to take another look at the disgusting aftermath of what I'd done.

This time, however, I looked away from the crushed candle and my vomit long enough to spot the book that had slid under the sink. I grabbed it. Here it was, the root of my horrible predicament.

I started leafing through the slim volume, desperately searching for a solution to my problems. There had to be one, right? After all, this thing had offered a spell to enter into an unholy contract with a demon, surely it must contain some antidote to that evil?

I skimmed the table of contents and was pretty shocked to find all kinds of curses listed. Whoever had written this must have been one grievous bastard. Someone holding a ton of grudges because most of the spells were of the revenge kind.

But I wasn't looking for revenge.

I was looking for salvation.