FRANKLIN THE CORPSE RETURNED WITH A BOX OF CHOCOLATES IN HIS ONE REMAINING HAND. At his heels trailed an enormous tawny cat with slightly rounded ears and black spots. The cat was in much less of a hurry than Franklin, who hastened to place the box of chocolates before his mistress.

She frowned at it, and then at him. "Who told you to bring this?" she asked.

"Um," he said.

Theo felt a strange camaraderie with Franklin in that moment. They were brothers in suffering, the two of them: just well-meaning fellows muddling through life alongside bone-shatteringly terrifying women.

"Go away. You're bothering me," snapped the witch. Franklin took the box of chocolates, but she hissed at him and snatched it away. He flinched, stumbled back, and then hurried off in the general direction whence he'd come, nearly tripping over the spotted cat. I use the term hurried loosely here. It was more of a shamble, owing to the fact that he was a corpse.

"You were saying that we had come to the right place?" asked Tansy from her bottle. Theo held her up so that she could see what was going on. "Can you help me?"

"Oh, I certainly can," said Victoria. And Theodosius's heart sank, because he knew what she was going to say next before she said it. "But everything comes with a price."

Bihatra sighed. "Listen. I made sure you got here in one piece. That's what I was assigned to do. I'm out of here."

Absurdly, Theo was alarmed by this announcement. He did not usually enjoy Bihatra's company, but at least she was a more-or-less known quantity. "So soon?"

"Peace." She held up two fingers in a V shape—Theo didn't recognize the gesture, but was certain it meant something obscene—and she was suddenly gone, leaving behind nothing but a wisp of black smoke and Franklin's left arm, which she had still been holding. It flopped onto the floor with a sound Theo wished he had gone his whole life without hearing.

Victoria did not seem to notice Bihatra's disappearance. She settled back onto her cushions in her plush bathrobe and lifted the lid from her new box of chocolates. Just as she became slightly more horizontal, the cat leapt up onto her lap and settled there, curling itself into a ball. It was rather too large to be a lap cat, so the effect of this arrangement was amusing.

"There is a book I need," said Victoria. "A very important book. I have been far too busy to venture out and get it myself." She yawned and selected a chocolate, holding it up to examine it. The cat scented the air, whiskers extending toward the treat with curiosity.

"Yes, you are a very busy person," Theo acknowledged.

"If you can acquire the book and bring it back here, I might be able to help you manage your little—" she glanced up and pointed her chocolate in Tansy's bottle's general direction— "Issue."

Understand, Dearest Reader, that of all the possible tasks Theodosius might have been faced with in the inevitable tit-for-tat quest that would compose the primary plot line of his most recent novelette, this was rather...well, minor. He had been around books almost his entire adulthood. He had, in fact, read his very first book at the tender age of thirteen. He had spent plenty of time in libraries and had only been bitten by a book once.

Finding a book seemed a nearly palatable quest. It certainly seemed less fatal than other options. But Theo had a number of adventures under his belt by this point in his life, and he had learned enough to be suspicious of things going well.

"That should not be a problem?" Theo said as a question.

"We just need to get you a book?" Tansy asked. "Why, how simple and straightforward."

Theo patted the lid of Tansy's bottle. He admired her naive, pioneering spirit. "Yes, well, how straightforward it is depends on a number of important factors. What title do you seek? Is it a spell book? A florigelium? A bestiary?"

For the first time, with her mouth now full of chocolate, Victoria looked hesitant. Flustered, almost. She petted the cat, which closed its eyes with apparent pleasure.

"A grimoire?" Theo ventured. "Of course—you're a witch, I should have guessed it was a grimoire first of all. Then again, grimoire and spell book are nearly synonyms, aren't they? More or less. So it really was my first guess."

"Huh," said Tansy. "I never knew that."

"Knew what?"

"The meaning of grimoire. I thought it was a piece of furniture meant to hold clothes."

"Oh. I think you're thinking of an armoire, love."

"Ahh, yes. That's it—you're right. So we're off to find you a grimoire, are we, Madam Victoria?"

Victoria chewed her chocolate thoughtfully. Then she nodded. "Yes. We'll go with that. It's a very serious book—a very serious grimoire. Chock full of arcane knowledge and...and stuff. It's called Bad Decisions."

Theo nodded gravely. In his experience, this was a fitting title for a grimoire "Who is the author? Just to ensure I get the right book."

"Frances Lovington."

"Tansy, you shall have to ensure I remember the details. I haven't anything to write it down with.

"I've got it," she said, a tremor of something like amusement in her voice. "Bad Decisions. Frances Lovington."

"Very well. Have you any idea where we might locate this important book, Madam Victoria?"

She waved a hand, shooing them off. "Am I supposed to do half of the quest by myself? Figure it out! Come back when you have the book, and I'll make your wife weigh something again."

Theo was a little disappointed, but he had already gathered enough information to reasonably expect to complete the quest. All he needed was to locate the nearest arcane bookstore and peruse the stacks—he would only hope that the book was in stock. The printing press had not yet been invented, and waiting for a fresh, hand-printed copy of a book could set him back a year or more.

"Very well," he said, with as much grand authority as he could muster. "We shall embark on this fated quest and return with what you require, madam."

"Yes, yes, good," said Victoria, examining another chocolate and stroking her spotty cat. Without looking up, she added, "Oh, and take Franklin with you. He has not gotten nearly enough exercise lately and could use a walk. Just don't let him bark at strangers."