I wasn't sure how to tell you this in person, but I hired this psychologist because I figured you might want to talk about your feelings with someone who isn't the one who hurt you.

I know the last thing you want to do is listen to someone as disgusting as me give advice, but I would really, really appreciate it if you talked to her about:

-me going behind your back in the first place
-me not fulfilling my promises on my first homecoming
-me being redeployed
-me cheating
-your not eating or sleeping

If you won't do it for me or yourself, do it for Ruby.

She needs you to take care of yourself so you can take care of her.

The therapist won't tell me anything you say, she legally isn't allowed to, so please, please vent to her.

Tell her everything that's on your mind, act as if she's me if you want and scream at the top of your lungs how much you hate her.

I paid for two hours, but I told her that if you were still talking past that, I'd pay her however much more once I got home.

I figured you'd prefer the session at home, where you could be in your PJ's with snacks and familiar scents and your special pillows and blankets opposed to an office in jeans and no snacks and weird office smells and stuff.

I love you so much, and I really hope that this helps you feel at least a little better.

All my love,
Joshua

***

Tyler talked to Dr. Black for three and a half hours.

She gave him tips on how to handle everything, and he made sure to discuss with her the topics Josh had suggested.

He felt a little bit better, surprisingly.

She told him to be honest about his feelings with Josh, so once Joshua got home and sat next to him on the bed, the truth started pouring out.

"I-I don't hate you," Tyler said. "I-I don't hate you at all. I-I hate your actions a-and they hurt me more than I could have ever imagined and caused me more pain than I thought possible b-but the fact that you regret them a-and are trying to do what's best for me and my feelings shows me that the Joshua I fell in love with 10 years ago is still in you."

Josh opened his mouth to say something but quickly closed it as he saw Tyler was about to say something else.

"I-I appreciate you trying to make things right, a-and I feel guilty for running away after you told me you cheated. It was immature of me and I feel stupid for doing it. B-but it also hurts me that you remember so much about who you cheated on me with. A-and it makes me feel gross that you had that special connection with someone else. I-it makes me feel worthless and that's why I don't eat anymore."

"I-I don't like it when I can hear you saying you should kill yourself. Y-you think I can't hear you when you're talking to yourself in the bathroom but I can, a-and it scares me that you would even say or think that kind of thing even if you never carried it out because if I wasn't on the earth then you wouldn't feel like you needed to end your life because I wouldn't have existed for you to cheat on. A-and that makes my pain 10 times worse."

"I-it hurt me that Ruby chose you over me to go to the dance with but that's stupid and juvenile and I shouldn't be upset over that because I'm an adult. I am happy she doesn't know what's going on between you and me because it's preserving her happiness and that's all that matters."

"I-I miss when you'd snuggle me as soon as you laid down with me. A-and I miss when we would take naps on the couch together just because we could. A-and I miss when you would hold my hand while I ordered at restaurants because I got nervous. A-and I miss going out on dates with you. A-and I miss our old life but I've known ever since you got back from your first deployment that things will never, ever be the same."

Josh's heart shattered into a million pieces as he heard more and more of Tyler's thoughts spill out.

Tyler now genuinely hated himself, and that was all his fault.

But he took note of everything Tyler said he missed, and he made sure to start doing it as soon as possible.

That night, he cuddled with Tyler, making sure to give him plenty of 'I love you's.'

The next day, he made Tyler breakfast in bed, watched a movie with Tyler in the morning, made him lunch, asked if he wanted to snuggle up with him on the couch for an afternoon nap.

That night, he took Tyler out on a date, holding his hand and rubbing soft circles into the back of it with his thumb to calm Tyler as he ordered.

It made Josh feel so relieved to see Tyler eating, even though it was just a few bites, it was progress.

They got home that night, Ruby at Josh's mom's House because Josh wanted to have a night alone with Tyler.

"Did you like the sex?" Tyler asked quietly as they sat together in bed.

"W-What?"

"The sex you had w-with... him. D-did you like it?"

Josh sat there for a minute. "To be honest, I absolutely hated it. I felt so disgusting as soon as I took my shirt off in front of him, but I was too scared to back out. Sex is... i-It's horrible when it's not with someone you love. I-it's one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced."

"I-if you had liked it, would you have done it again?"

Josh shook his head. "As soon as we were done I put my clothes on and sprinted out of that room. I wanted nothing to do with any of it anymore."

Tyler was quiet for a while. "Did you get any pictures from the other night?"

"When?" Josh asked.

"The dance."

"O-oh," Josh said. "Yeah, I took some."

"Can I see?"

Josh nodded, grabbing his phone and opening it, swiping through the photos.

"I like that one," Tyler said quietly, pointing to a photo Josh had taken of Ruby kissing his cheek with a wide grin.

"Y-yeah, me too," Josh said.

"You should put it as your background," Tyler said.

"It's just a random dog right now," Josh said. "I-I'd rather it be of us. O-or of you at least. I guess I can use one of our wedding pictures."

"Those are so old," Tyler said. "Just take one now."

"What?"

"Y-yeah," Tyler said. "Just take one of us right now."

Josh did as told, opening his front-facing camera, snapping a picture, but before pressing the button Tyler kissed his cheek, making Josh blush deeply. He snapped a photo.

They looked at the picture, Tyler smiling softly. "I-I like that. Y-you look cute in it."

Josh turned to look at Tyler, smiling softly.

Tyler blushed, looking down shyly.

Josh gently cupped Tyler's chin, closing his eyes and pressing their lips together.

Tyler's eyes closed softly, gently leaning forward and kissing Joshua back.

Their first kiss on the lips since Josh's first deployment, three years ago.

"D-did you... d-did you...?" Tyler started.

"Kiss him?" Josh asked.

Tyler nodded.

"No," Josh said softly, shaking his head. "I made sure not to."

Tyler nodded, feeling less guilty about kissing Joshua now. He leaned forward again and kissed his lips.

It was a small taste of their past, and they both felt one step closer to being the same again.