Mabigat ang buntong hininga ko pagkalabas ng opisina. It's already past eight in the evening. Another day. Another overtime. Not bad kung iisiping bayad naman ang mahabang oras na inilaan ko sa office.

I smile sarcastically. 'Pag tumatanda ka talaga, para bang metro ang pagbilang mo sa oras. Na dapat bawat minuto mo'y may kaakibat na halagang kapalit. Na anumang dapat mong gawin ay may katuturuan para sa ikabubuti ng sosyedad.

May mga panahong nakakapagod. Mga panahong nakaka-tuyot 'di lang ng utak kundi pati nang rason para magpatuloy pang mabuhay. Mabuhay para lang paulit-ulit na gawin ang mga bagay na ilang taon mo nang ginagawa para lang mabuhay.

Natawa ako sa naisip. Parang loop 'di ba? Ano nga bang rason ng buhay ko? Bakit nga ba 'ko narito? Ano bang saysay ko sa mundo? Tunog existential crisis. Karamihan pinapangalanang depression. Pero hindi ko naman gustong mamatay. Ang gusto ko'y mabuhay. Magkaroon ng buhay ang buhay. May tamang daan ba para mahanap iyon? May tamang steps bang dapat sundin para makamit iyon?

Nagbubuntonghininga akong umiling at sumakay na lamang ng bus pauwi. Pahinga. Mas kailangan ko iyon ngayon.

Pinapasadahan ko ng tingin ang loob ng bus para sa bakanteng upuan ng hindi sinasadyang bumagsak ang mga mata ko sa isang babae. Ngumiti ito ng bahagya sa akin ng nagtama ang mga mata namin. Hindi siya katandaan ngunit halos doble siya ng edad ko. And for some reason, the woman looks oddly familiar.

Nagtungo ako palapit sa kaniya dahil tanging ang tabing upuan na lamang niya ang bakante.

"Had a long day?" bati nito sa akin. 

Bahagya ko itong ikinagulat. Hindi lang dahil sa biglaan nitong pakikipag-usap kundi dahil sa timbre ng kaniyang boses. Even her voice sounds familiar!

"Opo. Meetings, revisions, new projects, 'di maubos na workload, galit ni boss. Tapos..." Natigilan ako at agad nakaramdam ng hiya.

Huy hindi mo 'yan bestie 'wag mong buhusan ng pagod sa haba ng araw!

"Tapos?" Kumurap ito.

Awkward akong ngumisi. Ngunit nang nakita ko ang sincerity ng pagiging kuryoso sa mga mata nito'y napawi ang ilang na nadama ko. 

I sigh for the nth time then said, "The day's completely tiring and draining. Na ang tanging satisfaction na nadarama ko at the end of the day ay iyong nakatapos ako ng trabaho at may compensation akong makukuha." I smiled wearily.

The woman smiled back at me sweetly. "What do you used to dream of becoming when you were young?"

Napaisip ako roon. Tila isang bodegang hinalukay ko sa aking isipan ang mga batang pangarap na nalimutan ko na sa mga taong lumipas. I ponder it over and over again.

What do I dreamt about of becoming when I was a child?

Ah. Right. I wanted to do so many things then. I dreamt of becoming a teacher, an artist, a singer...

I had to laugh at that last one. I couldn't help it. Thinking of childhood dreams turning to reality sounds silly right now.

"Try to find something to smile about every day. It might not sound much but it might keep you going." Natigilan ako dahil sa sinabi ng babae.

Napako ang tingin ko sa kaniya. Sa guhit na nasa gilid ng labi niya mula sa ilang taong pagngiti. Sa pamilyar niyang mga mata. Sa paraan kung paano ako tignan ng mga ito.

Pagkahinto ng bus ay nagbitiw ng tingin sa akin ang babae at tumayo. I think it's her stop.

Sumulyap pa muna ito sa akin at bahagyang ngumiti nang nasa tapat na ng pintuan bago tuluyang bumaba. Nanatili naman ang tingin ko sa kaniya hanggang sa muling umandar ang bus at malampasan siya nito.

That lady's strange--I thought.

Nang sumulyap ako sa katabing upuan ng akin kung saan naupo ang babae ay hindi sinasadyang nahagip ng paningin ko ang isang nakatuping papel. Kinuha ko ito pagkatapos sulyapan ang mga walang kamalay-malay na pasahero sa paligid. Naisip kong baka naiwan ito ng babae pero paano ko ito maibibigay sa kaniya? At... hindi naman siguro masama kung sisilipin ko ang laman nito, 'di ba?

At iyon nga ang ginawa ko.

To you,

The alienation I felt when I was a teenager made me believe that I was, or that I wanted to be mature more than my actual age. I wanted to be someone who's open minded about everything. Someone who can and who'll try to understand someone why they are the way they are or why they do things they did. I wanted to dive into everyone's individual world and try to make sense of what they really are inside, or how it's like to be them from their point of view. I wanted to do so many things, I wanted to prove something to everyone. I wanted the world to know who I am. But then I grow up. And the more I get old, the more I see how the real world really works. The more I woke up from the reality how being a full pledge adult suck. It really does. Hindi lang dahil sa dami ng bills, responsibilidad at pagiging isang mabuting tao naging mahirap iyon.

You see, the things you learn growing up, all the things' adults tell you to do and not to do, that's all bullshits. Because they all do it freestyle. And the bad and good things they told you about isn't what really important. Because they do it anyway. Whether they need to, or they like to or just for the hell of it.

You think adults got everything figured out? No, they did not! Adults are lost humans who doesn't know what they're doing. Seriously. They're like machines that function every day to do the same thing over and over again. That there's this point that they'll just want to run back from being a kid again. A kid who easily gets excited about foreign and new things. A kid whose happiness can be sated by a mere toy or a favorite food or watching a favorite cartoon. A kid whose heart breaks easily but also forgives the same. A kid who's innocent about the cruelty, pettiness, obscenity and immorality of the adult world.

I'm not telling you all this to scare you. I'm telling you this because I wanted you to grow up without growing apart with your dreams, your people, your imagination, your ambitions, your passions... and most importantly--yourself. Don't let the world hinder you from being a kid—at heart. No matter how the world beat you down, don't let it crush you inside. Don't let it rob you with who you really are. Don't let it deceive you how happiness, success or satisfaction supposed to mean. Try to hold on to what you are inside. And remember that you are growing old, but you can always be a child.

From
your future self