Serenity,

Well, my secret's out, I guess. You know who I am now, and from your scared face, I can only hope now that you don't run every time you see me. Am I just unacceptable by everyone? Including you? I haven't felt this feeling of fear, the bitter taste of defeat and the coldness that comes from being afraid in such a long time. Maybe getting close to you was a bad idea. Maybe suppressing them was a better choice for me after all. I wanted to stay friends, but can someone like me have friends in such a world?

I'm a horrible person, a person that kills people, people that I've never met for a profit. And now that you know this, maybe you'll be like Ever, the only other person I can call a friend. Maybe you'll run away too, too scared of what might happen to you if we're friends.

Was this too early, or was this inevitable? If we never meet again, I'll be asking myself this question for every day for the rest of my life, when my mind drifts back to today and I see myself back in that hospital bed with bandages all over my body and your face in full fear.

Does this count as lying? If I've never told you the truth, does that mean that this whole time has been a lie, that I've been pretending to be someone that cares, someone kind, someone good? Have I been pretending to be someone that doesn't exist? Has everything I've done so far been for deceit, a lie that I'll never be able to explain?

Is this the kind of fear that you experience at school? The kind where no matter what you choose, it's the wrong choice? That every time you try to take a step forward, your internal compass is messed up and calibrated wrong so that you always go backwards? We're both kind of crazy, aren't we?

I swear I never would have hurt you, although you probably don't trust me anymore, probably won't ever trust me again. After all the lies you've heard and all the trust you've given has been broken, it'd make sense if we just broke and pretended like the magic that happened when we were together never existed. And maybe it'll be like that. Maybe you'll go and sit by yourself somewhere that isn't my table, and on Friday nights we won't be watching movies or playing games ever again. Maybe we won't study together the nights before tests and we won't be having sleepovers at your house during breaks.

I'll miss all of it. I didn't know that I was missing out on such fun when I had never felt like I had truly connected with another person, but now that I've felt everything with you, maybe I'll slip deeper into that hole of no return.

Maybe it would have been better if we had never met.

-Faolan