Renne was just about finished with a buffet breakfast the next morning when she heard keys in the front door. Excited, she knew it was Swayde. Stepping away from the stove where she had bacon cooking, Renne went to the front door to greet her boyfriend. 

       Swayde walked into his house, his head hung low, looking like hell froze over. "Hey." He greeted Renne flatly, tossing his suit coat and cowboy hat on the couch next to him. Slipping out of his boots, he left them sitting messily on the floor of the living room entryway. Walking to her, Swayde placed a cold, dry kiss on Renne's forehead before following her into the kitchen, where he tossed his truck keys onto the kitchen island, shrugging out of his white button up shirt, which he also left on the kitchen island, beside his keys. 

          Renne wanted so badly to go to him, to hold him, talk to him, comfort him, but she wasn't sure she would know what to say if she did try talking to him. Instead, she just continued to watch him as he started undressing, lifting his white undershirt off his exhausted body, holding it in his hand. "I'm going to go take a shower." Swayde announced, his voice flat and monotone. He still hadn't made eye contact with her once since walking in. 

         Renne couldn't help it; she stood next to him, placing a hand on his forearm, making Swayde turn to her. Standing on her tip toes, Renne placed a kiss on Swayde's unwelcoming lips. Releasing her comforting hold on him, she allowed him to continue his trek to his bathroom. Watching him as he walked, his feet seemed to drag, like he was more or less sliding across the floor, not walking. Worry flooded her for Swayde. When her sister had passed, Renne had been struck with grief this same way, and she had seen how it was hard for Swayde to know what to do in those moments. Renne thought that with her having gone through the death of her sister, and seeing how others helped her through it, that she would have a better idea how to comfort Swayde, but for some reason she was at a loss. Never in her whole life that she knew Swayde had she ever seen him like this. It truly broke her heart. 

         Seeing him like this made Renne wonder if he acted the same way when she left him for Montana, to start a new life. Surely not, since Renne wasn't dead, just...gone. But, Renne knew in her heart that she was Swayde's one and only love, and her leaving was like losing a loved one. For all he knew, she could have been dead, especially since she cut everyone of. The reminder of the mistake she made pained her. At the time, Swayde had pleaded with her to not leave, to just let him explain, but she was so hurt and angry from years of being lied to, years of everyone telling her that one day they would find who killed her parents, years of Swayde keeping it all from her, that instead of hearing his side of the story, she just left. It was a decision that helped Renne to grow, and start fresh, but in the end, it hurt more people than herself. 

         Taking in a deep breath, Renne shut off the stovetop, so the bacon wouldn't burn. Grabbing Swayde's white dress shirt from the kitchen island, she walked into the living room, hanging up his cowboy hat and putting his boots back on the rack, before picking up his suit coat, and taking it, and his dress shirt into his bedroom. The shirt and jacket were very wrinkled, and had a slight odor to them, telling Renne that Swayde had slept in this clothes, and hadn't taken a shower since he left yesterday morning. There was a stain on the shirt that Renne recognized quickly. Beer. Her jaw tightened, hoping it wasn't a stain from Swayde drinking, that perhaps he got drunk and spilled his beer on himself. No, Swayde didn't get drunk, he doesn't drink like that. But then again, these last few days, Renne had seen a side of her boyfriend that she had never seen before, so anything was possible. 

             Grabbing two empty hangers from Swayde's closet, Renne hung the shirt and suit coat up on his closet door, reminding herself to take them to the dry cleaners on her next trip into town. Making her way back into the kitchen, Renne started a pot of coffee for her and Swayde. She had started their breakfast this morning with faith that Swayde was coming home this morning. Yesterday when he had called, he didn't mention when he would be coming back, just that he would be home. Even if he hadn't come home until supper time, there would at least be homemade pancakes and bacon for tomorrow morning. 

            Just as the coffee finished brewing, Renne heard the shower turn off, Swayde appearing in the kitchen fully dressed in shorts and a t-shirt a few minutes later. Grabbing two coffee mugs from the cupboard beside the sink, Renne poured him a cup, holding it out to him. "Coffee?" His hair was in desperate need of a good combing, and possibly a hair cut, but Renne left it alone for now. 

         Swayde took the cup of coffee, thanking her. Taking one sip, he looked around his kitchen. "You already made us breakfast?" He leaned back against the counter as he continued to sip his coffee, the warm liquid felt good to his worn out body.

              Renne reached in the fridge, grabbing some French vanilla creamer, topping off her cup of coffee. Reaching back into the fridge, she swapped the creamer for syrup. "Yes, I did." She took a swig of her coffee then set it on the counter, to get two plates from the cupboard. "Here, I will make you a plate. Three pancakes good to start out with?" She stabbed a fork through one, holding it above Swayde's plate. 

            Swayde stood from the counter, feeling sick to his stomach at the thought of food. "No. Never mind...I'm not hungry right now." Without giving Renne time to respond, Swayde took his cup of coffee into the living room, plopping down on the couch, and turning on the television. 

          Renne took a deep breath. Starving herself because of sadness and grief after losing her sister was just what Renne did when Mallory passed, and now Swayde was doing the same thing. She was positive he hadn't eaten a real meal, if anything at all, since he got the phone call about Bernie. Two days without proper nutrition, no wonder he looked terrible, and had no energy. Instead of giving into his stubbornness, Renne made Swayde a plate. She made it small, for him, with two pancakes, and three strips of bacon. Sprinkling some brown sugar and cinnamon on top of the pancakes, Renne squirted the syrup over the pile of blueberry pancakes: Swayde's favorite. 

            Balancing both plates on her arm, Renne carried them and her coffee out to the living room. Setting their breakfast on the coffee table, Renne grabbed two TV trays from behind the couch, setting them up, and placing their plates on top. Sitting next to Swayde, Renne pointed at his plate as she stabbed a fork into her own pile of pancakes. "Eat." She demanded. 

             "Reagan thanks, but I'm really not hungry." 

            Renne took a bite of her food and a sip of her coffee. She ran a hand down his arm. "Swayde, honey, I know what you're doin'...I did it too when Mallory passed away, but you forced me to eat too. You helped me through that rough time, now I'm returning the favor." 

           "I can't, Reagan." Swayde said quietly. He stared down at his plate, his hands folded in his lap. 

            "Can't" was a word that Swayde seldom used. Renne reached out to him, smoothing out some of his wild hair. "I would really appreciate it if you could just take one bite of pancakes and one piece of bacon. Please." She hated that she felt like she was treating him like a child. In fact, she had better luck getting her nieces and nephew to eat than her own, adult boyfriend. 

        He wouldn't look at her, but she didn't need him to to know how bad he was hurting. His shoulders were slumped, eyes were glazed over, his jaw set firm. Renne had seen this behavior before...in herself when her sister died in her arms. "I'm sorry that it's goin' to go to waste, but I just can't eat right now." Swayde said, pushing the tray away from him. 

           "Okay. Fine. We will eat it tonight for supper then." Renne said. She didn't know what to say or do to get through to Swayde. He was shutting down on her. Renne scooted closer to Swayde. He slipped an arm around her shoulder. Leaning up, Renne placed a kiss on Swayde's jaw line. 

            "Do you want to watch a movie or something?" Renne asked, glancing at the television. The sound wasn't even on, and the screen was playing a paid programming infomercial about some new gadget 'everyone needs'. Yeah, Swayde might have acted like he was watching the television, but he definietely wasn't.

            "I'm pretty tired...I think I'm just gonna head to bed." 

             "Okay. A-are you sure?" It was barely ten in the morning, but Renne was sure that the time of day was the last thing on Swayde's mind. She was also sure that he probably hasn't slept in two days, either, so maybe it was good that he was tired enough to want to rest.

              "Yeah." Swyade said and got up off the couch. He leaned over Renne. "I'm sorry, Reagan." He placed a kiss on her forehead, then drug himself to his bedroom. 

              Renne finished her breakfast plate, then cleaned up the kitchen, putting the salvageable pancakes and bacon in the fridge, tossing out the plate she had made for Swayde. 

             The dryer buzzed, signaling the load was finished. Renne had almost forgotten she put a load of towels this morning. It was the load from yesterday that she hadn't had time to start. Grabbing the basket, Renne filled it with the towels, taking them into the living room to fold. 

            Once the towels were neatly folded, Renne took them into the bathroom, placing them in their respectable place in the bathroom. On her way out of the bathroom, Renne saw that Swayde's bedroom door was still opened. Peeking in, she saw Swayde laying on his side, facing his closet door. The blankets were pulled over his shoulders, so Renne couldn't tell if his eyes were opened. Quietly sneaking in, she dropped the empty laundry basket back into the closet, glancing at Swayde again. This time, she saw him watching her, finally making eye contact with her for the first time. 

          "Hey, sorry I woke you." She went to him, sitting on the edge of his bed, by his knees. 

          "I wasn't sleeping." He rolled onto his back, glancing at Renne. "Actually, I haven't slept since I got the call." 

            Renne scooted closer to Swayde, resting her hand on his now bare chest. "Would you like to talk about it?" 

             Swayde's eyes looked at Renne, and he opened his mouth like he did want to talk, but as soon as the look was there, his eyes glazed over again, sadness visibly taking over. It was like a door slammed shut; he was closing up again. "No. I am going to try to get some sleep." He slipped back under his covers, but his eyes stared up at the ceiling fan that was making it's rotations. 

           Renne stood off the bed, getting ready to leave his room, but she looked back at him. "Would you like me to lay with you until you fall asleep?"

        Swayde's head appeared over the covers. "Yes, I would really like that."

         So, without hesitation, Renne went and laid next to Swayde. It wasn't long before she, too, fell asleep, waking a long four hours later. When she woke, she looked to her right, seeing that Swayde was still peacefully sleeping next to her. Sliding out of the covers, Renne tiptoed out of Swayde's house. Sitting on the porch steps, she slid into her cowboy boots, walking down the porch steps, towards the horse barn. She could use some alone time, with no distractions. 

          Saddling one of Swayde's older, but gentle horses, Renne began to lead the sorrel gelding out to the pasture. Slipping her left foot into the stirrup, Renne pulled herself into the saddle, grabbing the reins with one hand. Copper, was the horses name, did most of the leading. The old gelding knew his way around this ranch, probably better than Renne did. 

       It felt so good to have Swayde home, now she just hoped that he would open up to her and talk. This morning was the most that they had talked for two days, but she knew he had a long way to go. She was a true believer in the seven stages of grieving: first came shock and denial. The stage where you just can't believe the person is gone: when you still pick up your phone and expect there to be a call or text. It's the stage where you just feel...numb, paralyzed. Yep, that's definitely where Swayde was at. After the initial shock, and the denial starts to wear off, then comes the pain and the guilt. The pain is gut-wrenching. It's usually a mental, emotional pain, but it can easily turn into physical pain. The guilt that follows is almost worst. You blame yourself for the loss, and it practically consumes you. 

          Once the pain starts to dissipate, then the anger and bargaining stage slips in. Everything irritates you, angers you, for no reason. The bargaining part is the "If I" stage, as Renne liked to call it. She was sure that Swayde was thinking "If I had just gone with him, I could have prevented the crash." That stage is one of the hardest. Deep down, you know you're not the reason for the loss. God only takes people when their life has been fully lived, when their purpose has been served. He never takes anyone before their time. Renne still believed that the anger and bargaining stage of grief is where Swayde was stuck in, in terms of losing his brother, and Renne's parents in that accident, 18 years ago. Swayde had told Renne before that he blames himself for that accident, there's the bargaining part. Many times he told himself, if he just spoke up. Told his brother, Troy, that he wasn't safe to drive, that Swayde's parents had told Troy he had to stay home with Swayde...if he had just said anything, that Troy would still be here, and Renne wouldn't have become an orphan at the tender age of seven. 

           As if it seems that it can't get any worse, depression hits. The lowest of low, the feeling that you can't go on, that there is no hope, the true rock bottom. They said that you can't learn to grow until you hit rock bottom. Renne saw some truth in that, especially since after depression, the rock bottom, is when things start getting a little better. When the grief starts to subside, and the healing and acceptance comes into play. It may take days, or it may take years. Heck, Swayde was still in the anger and bargaining stage, and the accident happened almost two whole decades ago. Everyone grieves differently, and at differently speeds. Now, Renne just needed to ask God for help to get Swayde through each and every one of the seven steps, no matter how hard it got. 

                                                                                   ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

           A week had passed since Bernie's tragic and sudden death. Each day was just like the last. Swayde woke up later and later, got dressed, did his morning chores, barely, then went back in the house and stay, staring at the TV, until it was time to go do nighttime chores. Once they were completed, he went back to bed. Every day Renne was there with him, trying endlessly to help him, to get him to eat something, to talk, anything, but her patience was running thin, especially since Swayde's drink of choice had become beer. At first he tried to hide it from Renne, only drinking in the barn, or in the shower, but Renne was smart, and she knew when something was off. Renne had accidentally found his stockpile in the fridge in the tack room of the barn when she had gone out there to get some vaccinations for the horses. Then there was the fact that the kitchen trash was always empty, like Swayde had been taking it out every day, which Renne was sure was because he was filling it with beer bottles, and he had a few hours a day during which Renne was working on stuff for her ranch, that he could hide his evidence, knowing how much she resented alcohol. 

           Now, Swayde didn't even bother trying to hide it. He now had bottles and cans of beers in his fridge in the kitchen, and empty ones scattered around the house. Thankfully now he would at least wait until the middle of the day, and didn't drink more than six beers a day, but even still, for Swayde, that was a lot. Coming from the man who would drink one, maybe two with the guys possibly once a month. Renne was trying hard to keep up with Swayde's house chores, but found it increasingly difficult, especially since she still had responsibilities at Mamaw and Papaw's ranch, and her own ranch. It was a lot for just one person to handle all on her own. 

         Every day that Renne went over to see Swayde, she would prepare food for him, only for him to take one or two bites, then be done with it. He wouldn't talk to her, wouldn't touch her, wouldn't compromise with her, or anything. Each day that passed, Renne was growing more and more sour, and more impatient. The worry and concern she had for Swayde was increasing every day. It was evident that he had started to lose weight. He had no energy at all, nor any motivation. 

         She thought back to the argument that they had had last night.

       "You gotta eat, Swayde."  Renne's voice held irritation. Slamming his plate down on the TV stand, Renne snapped. "Come on, Swayde, please do not shut down on me. Stop pushing me away. Don't shut me out, too. Please." She pleaded, her heart was pounding.

          Swayde looked at his plate of food that Renne had worked hard on preparing. Usually, it was one of Swayde's favorite meals, but today, food sounded anything but appealing. Looking back up to Renne, who pleaded with him once more, Swayde blinked, looking back to his plate, pushing it away from him, and taking another swig of his beer. 

           That was the last straw. "Unbelievable. Fine. You know what? I have tried everything I can. I've tried helping you. You won't eat, you don't even kiss me, or touch me, and you won't even talk to me. I don't know else to do. I don't know how else to try to help you. If you're goin' to shut down completely, and shut me out too, fine. But just know you aren't just hurting yourself, you're hurting others who care about you and love you....you're hurting me too, Swayde. It's killing me to see you like this." She stared at the man who consumed her whole heart. This funk he was in made him almost unrecognizable. Something in her snapped when she started yelling at him; she knew he was in a very fragile state right now, and yelling at him was probably the last thing on earth that would help him, but she was only human, and there was only so much she could take. It was hurting her so badly to see him this detached. However, everything that she yelled at him was true; it was all things that he needed to hear. 

           Swayde just stared at her with a blank expression. He had put his beer bottle down on the TV stand. Okay, good, that was progress. 

           "Will you please say something? Anything?" Renne pleaded once again, still standing, staring at him. When Swayde looked away from her, not responding, Renne gritted her teeth, snatching the plate full off food off the stand, marching it to the kitchen, and sliding all the food into the trash. She didn't know why Swayde went from having a moderate conversation with her, to now he won't even say two words. 

          She had tried everything she could possibly think of these past few days. Renne as at the end of her rope; she couldn't just stand there and watch Swayde hurt. Stomping out of the kitchen, Renne didn't even bother to look at her boyfriend, nor say anything to him, as she snatched her keys off the wall, got in her truck, and sped back to Mamaw's house.

             Renne blinked, bringing her out of her memory relapse. That morning, Swayde had texted Renne, apologizing for last night, and asked if she would please come over tonight. For the first time in a few weeks, Swayde had even said, "We can have a date night. Watch a movie together, play a board game, whatever you would like. And...I think I would like to try to talk, too." Relief and hope had flooded Renne. Maybe her outburst last night helped, after all. 

        In a moderately optimistic, and good mood, Renne drove herself to Swayde's house. She had made dinner for them, packing it in to-go containers. Grabbing the cooler on her passenger seat, Renne looked at the truck parked next to hers. Doug was here. Renne tried not to assume; maybe Swayde had asked Doug to help with chores on the ranch, or maybe Doug dropped by to check on Swayde, but if Doug was there to help with the ranch, he would be parked by the barn, and it was getting late in the evening for Doug to just "drop by." Renne had a feeling he had been there for a while and had a feeling that she knew just what was perspiring in the house. 

           Sure enough, when Renne knocked on the screen door, she could hear two male voices, one being loud, the other normal. Making her way inside the house, Renne saw many beer bottles scattered on the living room coffee table. When Swayde noticed that she had entered, he went to her, pulling her up into a rough kiss. 

           "Was that your way of sayin' you're sorry for last night?" She asked, partially joking, not liking the way the kiss felt. There was alcohol on his breath, and she hated how it tasted. 

            "Yeah, I guess." 

             "Are you gonna let me come in so we can have date night?" She felt bad for saying it that way, knowing all plans to have a sober night just the two of them, a much needed date night, just flew out the window. 

              "About that...uh, I hope you don't mind, but Doug's here. He was in the area and wanted to swing by, so we might have to share date night with him." Swayde chuckled. It was clear he had had more than his usual six pack a day. 

               "Oh, yeah. That's fine. We can just share these cookies and sloppy joe with him." Renne said, holding up the bag she held in her hand. 

            "Oh man, you're the best. We'll share the sloppy joe. But the cookies are all mine. Sorry Doug." Swayde steps aside and finally let's Renne in, only after he kisses her one more time. 

          Renne walked in to the kitchen, Swayde behind her. Her eyes caught four empty bottes and two cans spread out on the kitchen counter.  

           Swayde followed her gaze, and quickly picked them up, throwing them into the trash. "So, sloppy joe? Doug, you want cheese on yours?" Swayde asks, pulling out three plates and bread, ignoring Renne's frustrated stare.

             "Yes please." Doug replied from the living room. 

            "Hi Renne. Good to see you." Doug greeted when Renne carried his plate out to him in the living room. 

              "You too Doug." Renne said, setting the other two plates on the TV stand. 

              As the night went on, Swayde threw back a couple more beers. He sure was talkative, but talked only to Doug, not Renne. So much for time alone to talk. The more Swayde drank, the louder and more obnoxious he became. And the more he drank, the more uncomfortable Renne became, and the more irritated she became. This man was not her boyfriend; she barely even recognized him. 

            Slapping her thighs, Renne stood up off the couch. It was clear she was imposing on Swayde and Doug's time. "Well, it's gettin late. I think I'm gonna head home." 

            "O-okay babe. I would drive you but I think it's better of I stay here." Swayde said, holding up a bottle. 

             "Yeah, you just stay right here." Renne grabbed her purse and keys, putting a hand out to Swayde, telling him to literally stay right there. "Doug you need a ride home?" 

              "No, I'm good. I'm just gonna stay here tonight. Thank you though." Doug replied. He had only had a few beers, so he was being much more level headed. She was thankful he was staying here with Swayde tonight; it comforted Renne to know that Swayde would have company, so he wouldn't do anything stupid, like trying to drive. However, Renne wished that Doug would have stood up and told Swayde when enough beers were enough. Doug, too, like Renne, was not a very confrontational person, and knew better than to try to reason with a drunk person. 

              Renne looks at Swayde again, expecting him to say goodbye or something, but he didn't. "Okay, then. Well, goodnight." Renne said, irritated, and walked to the door. 

         "Woah, woah woah, wait a second." Swayde calls after Renne right when she opened the door. He stumbled over the coffee table. "You're not gonna leave without sayin goodbye to me, are you?" Swayde says. 

           "I did. I said, 'goodnight,' and besides, I was waitin' for you to come over and say goodbye, but you didn't until Doug told you to." 

          "I'm sorry I was a little slow." Swayde leaned close to Renne and tried to kiss her. 

          She pulled back, hating the smell of his breath. 

          "You sure you don't want to stay over tonight?" Swayde asked. 

           "No. I'm good. I think I'm just gonna get home, okay?" 

            "Okay..." Swayde stared at Renne's face. He focused a little too long, as if he was trying to make her not blurry. "Are you mad?" Swayde finally asked. 

            Yeah, Renne was a little upset. She opened her mouth to tell Swayde so and that she came over so Swayde and her could have their date, but instead, he decided to have a date with his beer and get buzzed. But she knew she shouldn't start a fight with him tonight, because he most likely wouldn't remember it tomorrow. "Just...drink some coffee and go to bed, okay?" Renne said, allowing her irritation slip through. She turned and walked off the porch. 

               Tomorrow morning, Swayde called Renne. "Hey, how you feelin'?" Renne answered, still allowing a little irritation through. 

          "My head's poundin'...you wanna come over and we can finish our date....and talk?" 

           "Go drink more coffee and eat some toast Swayde, I have things to do." Renne said, about to hang up. It was clear he was very hungover; she could hear it in his voice.

            "Woah wait hey. Reagan, I'm completely sober, okay?" 

           "Yeah, clearly." Renne said, sarcastically. 

            Swayde sighed. "Doug said that I was a bit of a jerk last night and-" 

             "A bit?" Renne retaliated. 

              "Okay, a lot...can you please just come over so I can make it up to you?" 

             "No Swayde, I told you, I have things to do today, okay?" It was true. There was a long list of thing that needed done, especially since she had devoted a whole week to spending every free minute with Swayde.

              "Okay...Reagan, are you mad at me?" 

            Renne scoffed. "Swayde, you wanted to spend more time with your beer then with me last night. Heck, this last week. You don't drink, and you know how much I despite it when you do." She took in a breath. "I even made us supper. I was looking forward to finally getting to talk...I mean, yeah, frankly, I'm a little ticked..." Renne replied. 

             "Baby...I'm sorry. I wasn't myself at all last night. It was wrong of me and...when I found out that Bernie had passed...when I got that phone call...I'm sorry...I was really upset last night. It hit me that he is really gone."

            "Please don't make excuses, Swyade." All she had wanted this whole week was for him to talk to her, but not like this. 

             "Reagan, I'm not...I'm telling you the truth!" Swayde sighed. "I really don't want to do this over the phone. Can you please come over so I can explain myself?" 

                 "Swayde, frankly, you're hungover, and I don't want to spend any time with you until you've sobered up." 

            "Reagan, I *am*. I am sober. I took your advice, drank some coffee, and slept it off." There was a pause. She could tell in his voice that he was telling the truth. "Reagan...sweetheart, I really am sorry." 

            "I am too, Swayde." Why was she apologizing?

          "So will you come over?" 

          Renne hesitated again. "I think I'm gonna stay here...I got some things I need to think through." 

          "I will come over there then." 

         "I don't think it's good for you to drive." 

          "I'm fine to drive, Reg. So will you allow me to come over?" 

           "Like I said, I have things to do and I think it's better if we just take a day off. We can reschedule our date for another day when your free." 

           "I'm free today." Swayde said. 

           "Please don't push this Swayde...I don't want to fight with you, but I'm really really upset, so I'm gonna go." Renne said and hung up, ready to complete her long list of things to do today.