"What are you doin' here, Swayde?" Renne pulled the gate shut behind her, after turning out some of her horses. "I told you, I have things to do." She didn't give him the time of day as she walked to the barn, Swayde following like a lost puppy. 

               "Reagan. Stop, please." Swayde reached out and tried to grab her, but Renne jerked free of his grasp, giving him a piercing glare. 

               "Do not touch me." She stopped walking long enough to say. 

             "Reggie, I want to talk. I am ready to, please." Swayde pleaded. This scene looked too much like it did six years ago when she had found that newspaper article that explained the death of her parents. The day she broke up with him...left him...and now he had pushed her to that point again, or so it seemed.

             "No." Renne shook her head, tears starting to swell up in her eyes. "I have tried for eight days to get you to talk to me. To even just look at me, and instead, you chose to go to Doug, and to Budweiser, not me, not your girlfriend. I have been there with you through every single step of the way, I have tried endlessly, tried everything, and it is still not enough. I will never be enough for you. I am glad that you are ready to talk, but clearly you have found other people, other things, that are more understanding than I am. So, yes we can talk, but I'm not there yet." Renne was hanging up the horses lead ropes. 

           "I never did this to you when you lost your sister, so what makes you think you can do it to me?" Swayde grew angry. Angry at himself, mostly, but angry, too, that after all this time, he was ready to turn a new leaf, and the woman who always claimed to be there for him was just ready to abandon him when he needed her most. 

           "Okay, you need to leave." Renne spun around, furious. "How dare you talk to me like that." She growled, shoving Swayde backwards. "I may have been unbearable when my sister died, but there was no alcohol involved. If that is how you cope, fine, but I'm not okay with it. You've turned into this person that I don't even recognize. You know how much I loathe when people get drunk. You of all people should understand. It was your brother who killed my parents, and now you're starting to act just like him!" Renne's words surprised herself. Her hands flew to her mouth, and she gasped at herself. 

            Swayde's jaw tightened and he nodded slowly. There were no words to be said. Renne had spoke her mind, and it was the truth. Turning, Swayde sped walked to his truck, Renne running after him. 

             "Swayde, please wait. Please. I didn't mean that." But he was already gone. It was too late. 

                                                                     ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

             "Hey, Swayde, last call was ten minutes ago. I hate to do this to you, but I gotta close up." Tom, the bartender at the only bar in town, held a towel in his hand, looking at Swayde, a familiar face around town, but a foreign face in this bar. 

            "Yeah. Yeah. I understand." Swayde said, taking a sip of his beer.

           "Alright man." The bartender looked Swayde up and down when he made no motion to leave. "That means chug your beer, son."

            "I think we broke up...she has been there for me every day this last week and what did I do?...I didn't tell her what was goin' on, I shut her out, and of course, now she hates me." Swayde's words slurred. He waved a hand in the air. "She told me I was just like my brother." He mumbled. That was what hurt the worst. "But she's right, so I have called her a bazillion times to tell her she was right, and now...now she won't pick up my calls..." He looked down at his phone to see if Renne called him yet. "Or return my texts..." Swayde said. He picked at the label on his beer bottle.

            "Ahh...this is a break up beer. I'll get you another one." Tom said, turning to grab another beer.

          "No, that's alright, Tom. I gotta go. I need to try'n patch up the thangs up with the women I love." Swayde said, chugging the last of his beer before standing up from the stool. He slapped down a bill on the bar. "After the room stops spinnin'...whoo..." Swayde used the bar for support.

            "Son, I don't know if you're safe to drive."

           "No, I'm alright. I got a relationship I need to save. Keep the change, Tom. Thanks for the beers." Swayde said, grabbing his hat and jogged out of the bar the best he could with a fuzzy mind. He wasn't thinking straight enough to fully function, let alone drive. If he got in his truck and drove, Renne really was right. He really was just like his brother. A hand on his door handle, Swayde looked at himself in the dark window. What was he doing? 

          "Swayde, wait!" A voice called after Swayde, running out of the bar. It was Tom; he held Swayde's keys up in the air. Like a good bartender, Tom took his customers keys, so they wouldn't try to go off and drive under the influence. The town couldn't handle another drunk driving accident. "Here's your keys, but you ain't drivin'."

         Swayde took his keys, thanking Tom. "I really messed up, Tom. She hates me. The look in her eyes..." Swayde thought back to the look she gave him when she up and left him for five years. It was a glare he would forever have engraved in his memory. "It was almost as bad as when she broke up with me and moved to Montana. You know how bad that destroyed me, Tom, and now I hurt her again." 

           "I know, bud. Come on. I will drive you home." He placed a hand on Swayde's back, leading him to Tom's truck. Tom didn't care that his bar wasn't cleaned up, or restocked for the night. He was more concerned about the town's role model being drunk, and making stupid decisions. Swayde was very well known around this town. His clean reputation had spoke for itself, so what would it do to have him going off and getting in a wreck, because he was intoxicated. Tom knew he had to do the right thing and try to protect the good name of Swayde McAllister, even if that meant just driving him home, or to Renne's house. Anything to prevent his name in the headlines of the paper. 

        A short time later, Tom's truck dropped Swayde off in front of Renne's house. Tom had tried convincing Swayde to just go home and sleep it off, but in turn, Swayde had pleaded with Tom, and convinced him that he needed to try to save what was left of his relationship. Him and Renne had a great relationship, and it had worked for them for many years, and he wasn't about to lose her, again. He couldn't; ask anyone, it dang near killed him the first time he lost her. 

         Making his way up the front porch, he hoped Renne was still up. The cold air of the night breeze as Tom drove, and the realization of the hole that Swayde dug himself made him sober up real quick. It was late, but Swayde knew his woman. After a fight like they had, she wouldn't be sleeping. Swayde knocked on the door, but Renne didn't answer. The screen door was shut, but the wooden front door was wide open, so Swayde knew Renne was still up. Looking inside, Swayde could see the tv was on. Another indicator that Renne hadn't gone up to bed yet.
"Reagan, you still up?" Swayde asked, opening the screen door and stepping inside Renne's house. He walked into the living room where Renne was sitting on the couch, curled up in a ball, covered with her favorite fleece blanket, watching the television. He wanted to smile at how dang cute she was, but this wasn't the time. There were other things on his mind.

         "Swayde, I thought I heard you knock." Renne said, pausing the movie she was watching. She stood up and faced Swayde. "I have been doing a lot of thinking and I wanted to call you, but I knew you'd come over when you had a chance to cool off." Renne walked closer to Swayde. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry." She said, closing the gap between her and Swayde by wrapping her arms around his middle. Pulling back, Renne asked, "Swayde, why do you smell like alcohol?" All the frustration that had dissipated now returned. If she was being honest, she shouldn't have been surprised by the smell, but she was hoping her words would have changed something. 

          Swayde answered Renne by ignoring her last question and bowing his head down to place an 'I'm sorry too' kiss on Renne's lips. Renne immediately pulled back. Looking behind Swayde and to the door, Renne asked, "Were you at the bar?" Looking back to Swayde, her eyes full of hurt, Renne answered her own question. "You were drinking...again...you're *drunk*." Renne scoffed. "I can't believe I thought you actually came to apologize to me." She walked across the living room floor to grab her phone and blanket, ready to head up to bed for the night.

         "Reggie. I did come to apologize. I'm sorry. Yes, I was at the bar, yes, maybe I had a few too many beers, but I do know one thang. I care about you more than anything. And I'm so sorry for being such a jerk to you." He reached out to her, but she stepped back. "What you said about me being like Troy...you were right. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to see it, and I am so sorry for what I have put you through this week. Anyone else would have left me the day I got the phone call and snapped at the kids at the soccer game. But you're not like anyone else. You have stayed with me. Just like that time six years ago, I deserved every word you said to me this last week. Every one of them has resonated, and I am going to be better now."

           Renne stood her ground with arms folded across her chest; the words Swayde said, she appreciated, but she ignored every one of them. There was only one thought on her mind. "Swayde, I'm tired of coming second in your life. When will you put me before the alcohol? This isn't you. Swayde, before that funeral, you would have only had one, or two beers with your friends, but now you're going to the bar, and coming home like this. I don't know if you have noticed, but we have been fighting a whole lot more recently too. I'm getting concerned. So I need to know, when are you goin' to put me first?"

          "Baby, I do." Swayde walked closer to Renne, but she backed up. She hated how his breath smelled.

             "No, you don't. We were supposed to have a date last night. I know we were fighting earlier, but you still could have come over. We could have talked it out and it wouldn't've gotten this big, but instead you chose to go to the bar. Why? Why are you doin' this to me Swayde? To us. Thangs were finally in order and goin' great between us, then you just shut down."

          Swayde sighed. "I'm sorry. I really don't know how else to say it to you. That I am sorry. It's just that it seems like the alcohol helps to clear my head and-"

          "Swayde, you used to come to me when thangs would go bad. You were always just a social drinker, never a 'go to the bar and get drunk because I'm depressed' kind of guy. When am I goin' to come first in your life again, Swayde?" Renne slapped her hands against her thighs. "I mean you talk to Doug instead of me now?" 

        "Darlin', you do. You are first in my life. That's why I came back here. I realized what I have been doin' is wrong. I know our relationship has always been built on trust and honesty. We vowed to never keep secrets, but I have broken all three of those rules in our relationship. I've messed up. And I needed to come back here and say I'm sorry." Swayde stepped closer to Renne, but this time, she didn't move. "I talked to Doug because he knew Bernie, too, and it's easier to talk to a guy sometimes because guys all think alike, but you're the one I really wanted to talk to. The only reason I haven't is because I was scared I was goin' to lose you. I was scared you would see how messed up I am, and leave me. I was so scared to lose you that I pushed you away again, and I am sorry." That's all he knew how to say: sorry. 

            Renne was sure that Swayde was still buzzed, even though his words made sense, and his voice was clear and sincere, but as upset as they both still were at each other, Renne knew that this fight wouldn't get resolved tonight. It killed her to know that, but she was so tired of coming second in Swayde's life.

           When Renne didn't respond to Swayde, he moved closer, and placed his hands on her arms. "Reagan, I'm really sorry. Can we please talk about what is goin' on? I don't want to keep fightin' with you...Sweetheart, please, can we talk?" Swayde pleaded, rubbing his hands up and down Renne's arms.

            Renne drew her hurt filled eyes up to Swayde just in time to watch him bending down to try to kiss Renne again. Before their lips could meet, Renne turned her head sideways, looking to the ground. "I think you should leave." She whispered, a tear falling to her cheek.

            Swayde backed away at Renne's words. "What about us? Where does this leave us?"

          Renne drew her eyes back up to look at Swayde. "I'll come over tomorrow. Or I'll just call you. We can talk then."

         "Darlin' please just tell me I didn't screw up too badly...please just tell me that we are okay, please."

        "Swayde, I can't talk about this right now. We will be fine. It's gonna take some time, but we will be fine. We have both messed up pretty bad, and there's only so much that I can take before I break." Renne sighed. Why was she still trying to fix this tonight? All she wanted to do was give Swayde the well deserved slap, or two, that he deserved and scream at him to leave her alone, but that wouldn't do anything. She believed in second chances. "I think we should both just take tonight to cool off and hopefully we can figure something out tomorrow."

          "Reg, I'm sor-" He couldn't finish his sentence; if he did, he would have started crying, and if he started that nonsense, he wouldn't be able to stop. Instead, he turned and walked out the door, forgetting he didn't have a truck here to get home. 

          Walking to the barn, Swayde did the most logical, most cowboy thing he could think of. He saddled one of the ranch horses, sending him off into a lope, towards his house. The cool breeze was just what he needed to clear his mind. 

         Swayde and Renne both had a night full of restlessness, which only made Renne even more grumpy the next morning. She really was ready to talk, and wanted Swayde to do the same, but she was scared. Scared he would start drinking again, and scared he would shut down again. 

         Renne was working on her computer in the office when she heard a knock at the front door. Pulling open the wooden front door, Renne saw Swayde standing on the porch, looking like a lost puppy. Rolling her eyes, she almost slammed the door, but Swayde grabbed it, holding it open. With his free hand, he brought a bouquet of roses from around his back. "Can we please talk?" 

         Renne sighed and opened the door, allowing him in. "You have one hour." Renne said, leading him into the house. "I have work to do."

         "I only need five minutes." For the first time in over a week, Swayde smiled. It was more of a grin, but a smile in the least.

          Renne took the flowers from him, thanking him in a pitiful way, then took them to the kitchen to put them in a vase. 

          "Those are beautiful." Mamaw noticed, entering the kitchen, grabbing herself a glass, pouring her some sweet tea. As she lifted the glass to her mouth, she gave Renne a look, lifting her eyebrows so her eyes were wide, then moved her eyes to the door and back to Renne. 

         Taking the hint, Renne stood off the counter, taking in a sharp breath. "Let's talk outside." She grabbed Swayde's arm and drug him outside before he could protest. 

         "Wanna take the horses out?" Swayde asked, nervous for some reason. 

        "Um, if it's okay, can we just walk and talk?" 

         "Yes, I would really like that." Swayde wanted so hard to reach out and grab his girlfriend's hand as they walked, but he still wasn't sure how upset she was with him for being a complete jerk this last week. 

            "First, I just wanna say I'm so-"

            "I'm sorry." The said in unison, both chuckling at their impeccable timing. "I'm sorry. You go first."

           They were walking down the lane, that led away from the road, towards the outbuildings and some of the pastures. "But, really, Swayde, I am sorry, very sorry for the way I have acted this week, especially yesterday when I..." Renne let out a breath. She was mad at herself for what she had said. In the moment, she was mad at Swayde and wanted to hurt him, but not like that. Definitely not like that. "I really didn't mean what I said. You are not like Troy, your brother, at all. In fact, you're the complete opposite, and I am so proud of you for that." 

           "No." Swayde tucked his hands in his pockets, as if to keep himself from literally reaching out to Renne. 

          "No, what?" 

           "I am glad that you said what you said. I had become a different person since I got that phone call. You made me realize how much of an idiot and a jerk that I had become. I drank, a lot. Just like my brother Troy used to do. And this last week, I have felt like death, way worse than I ever have before. I..." Swayde let out a breath. "I was at the bar the other night, the night I came to see you. And I drank way too much. So much, in fact, that Tom had to give me a ride to your place, and then I rode one of your horses home. Then the next morning, I had Doug drive me to town, and help me trailer your horse back here. All because I was too ashamed to admit how bad I had gotten. But you have to understand something, Reagan." He put his hands out in front of him. "This is not an excuse at all, it's not, but having a few beers really helped get the fact that Bernie's death is my fault." 

         "Swayde, no. No, it was not your fault at all. How could it have been your fault?" Renne wanted to reach out and hold his hand, to be close to him again, but he hadn't made any motion to, so she figured it was best to leave it alone. It wasn't like them to be awkward or nervous around each other, but then again, they had never seen the other like this before. 

          "Bernie asked me to go to the Independence Day Rodeo with him, but I told him I was too busy with the ranch, and I didn't want to be away from you, even just for a day. And I knew that you wouldn't be able to come because of your stuff here, which is why I didn't ask you to come with me. All of that, and I selfishly declined his offer, and now, he's gone. I could have prevented all of this if I had just agreed to come with him." He was talking with his hands like he did when he gets upset. 

          "Swayde, that isn't your fault. You cannot blame yourself. It was time for Bernie to go to his heavenly home." 

           "Reagan, I could have kept him awake when he was driving home, then he wouldn't have-" Swayde swallowed hard. He hadn't been able to cry this whole week about Bernie passing, but today he felt like he could at any second. 

           Renne stopped walking; turning to Swayde, she grabbed both of his shoulders, making him look to her. This was that anger and bargaining stage of grief she was talking about. She was glad he was to this point, because after the rock bottom is when the acceptance and healing comes. "Swayde, honey, there was nothing that you could have done, or not done, to prevent this from happening. Even though the timing seems all wrong, it's all in God's timing, and he doesn't take anyone before their time. Bernie had completed his life's purpose on earth. Everything happens for a reason. You cannot beat yourself up over this, or else it will make you more miserable. It was part of God's plan that you and Kyle, and the other guys didn't go with Bernie. God knew it wasn't y'alls time, and He orchestrated all of this for how it had to happen." Running her hands down his arms, Renne grabbed both of his hands. "I know it seems impossible that this could have happened, but there's a reason. Plus, Bernie is in a better place up there; he isn't havin' to be down here dealin' with all this dadgum heat." Renne laughed.

          Swayde laughed then sniffed, pulling Renne into a hug. "You always have a way to make me feel better about everything, Reggie. I don't know what I would do without you." Maybe this was the turning point for their relationship. "And, honestly, all of this happening...part of the reason I have been such a mess, and shutting you out...I was terrified that I would lose you." 

          "Cowboy, I am not goin' anywhere. I told you, you're stuck with me." Renne pulled back enough to look him in the eyes.

           Taking in a deep breath, Swayde continued. "Seeing how suddenly this happened with Bernie made me realize how short life is, how fragile our relationships are, and how quickly things can change. It scared me half to death. When Bernie's wife called me with the news, my first thought, honestly, was losing you." Tears began burning his throat as they rose to his eyes. "Reagan, ask anyone, and I do mean literally anyone. When you left six years ago...that was the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. Seriously. I'm not sure why, but losing you that day, so unexpectedly and randomly, like how I lost Bernie, it was even harder than when my brother died. Maybe it's because when Troy passed, I was young, I was only 9, so I didn't fully understand, and as I got older, I could form a better opinion. But you, on the other hand. I was 21 when we broke up. I was well old enough to know what was happening. The pain and heartache I went through then literally broke me. I mean, Reagan, I was a mess. I drank some then, too, but Mamaw and your sister straightened me right out then." He had Renne's full attention; he was still holding her, peering into those beautiful blue eyes of hers. "And my whole life, all I have ever wanted was to do anything and everything in my power to keep you, to never lose you. By not telling you about your parents and Troy, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I should have told you, and I regret it every day. I like to try to believe, however, that in some way, shape, or form, that five year separation was good for us. That it made us miss each other more, and made us realize how strong love really is, that when you truly love someone, you will always come back to them, no matter what, or how long." Swayde took in a shaky breath. He had never spilled his heart like this before, but he felt a sense of relief, acceptance. "Then when Bernie passed, I was so scared to lose you that I pushed you away until you broke, until I did almost lose you." 

           Renne reached a hand to his sculpted cheek bone. "Oh, Swayde, you didn't almost lose me." 

           "But I did. You were right. I was putting other things before you. I needed time to process everything with Bernie, so I wasn't ready to talk at first, but I should have just explained that to you." Taking a deep breath from his speech, Swayde concluded. "I guess what I am trying to say amongst all my ramblings is, I'm sorry, Reagan. I am truly and deeply sorry. For everything, not just this last week, but these last six years. I really hope you can forgive me." 

          "Of course, Swayde, of course I forgive you. Can you please forgive me for all the hurt I have caused you? And all the terrible things I have said and did to you?" 

          "Of course, darlin', I have already forgiven you." He leaned his head down to kiss Renne, but the next words that came out of her mouth stopped him right quick.

           "I love you, Swayde McAllister. I know we haven't said it since we got back together, but it needs said. And I-"

          Swayde didn't let her finish, he couldn't let her finish her sentence. Instead, he pulled her up into a kiss, practically picking her up off her feet. It was a long, passionate kiss. The kind that made your head spin; it had been a long time since he kissed her like that. Renne needed a minute to catch her breath, and restructure herself after melting from Swayde's kiss. She hadn't really meant to say what she did, but she did mean to say it, this just wasn't how she pictured it happening. With everything in her, she meant what she said. 'I love you' isn't a phrase the couple throws around lightly; when they say it, they mean it.

          Swayde grabbed Renne's beautiful face in both of his hands, and softly, ever so softly, dropped another kiss on her perfect lips. "I love you, too, Reagan Renne Walker." He had half a mind to propose to her right there and then, but he knew they needed to wait. Now wasn't the time for a wedding, but he still couldn't keep the thought out of his head as he kissed her yet again. "Man, I love you." He shook his head, pulling her against him again; her body felt so good against him, he needed it; he had missed this. 

                                                                      ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

                Swayde and Renne talked for at least another hour, walking hand and hand around the outer edge of one of the pastures. The day was moving on, and it was nearly time for lunch when they made it back to the house, but neither one of them cared. Their talk was just what they needed, both feeling like they were in a better place than they had been in a long time. 

                "Do you wanna stay for lunch? I have leftovers." Renne asked, from where she stood on the porch, when Swayde walked her to the door. 

              "I thought I only had an hour?" Swayde grinned, resting his hand behind Renne's head, on the door frame. He leaned in to her, just to tease her. 

             "Consider it an extension." 

             Swayde tilted his head back and forth. "Hmmm."

            Renne teasingly slugged his chest. "You're a pain." 

            "Okay. I'll stay." His smile turned upside down, as his face grew serious. "I hate it when we fight." 

             "I do, too, darlin'. I do, too." 

             Reaching to her, Swayde pushed some hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear. Stroking her cheek, he added, "And I am so sorry about last night, and this whole week." 

            "You're forgiven. I'm sorry, too." 

            Straightening, the sadness faded from his face. "So, what's for lunch?" He looked through the screen door behind her, into Mamaw and Papaw's house. 

           "Why don't you come in and see?" Renne held open the door, smiling, something she hadn't done for a couple days.

           "Don't mind if I do." Things were better. They weren't perfect, there was still a lot of healing, and acceptance to come, but they were getting there, and that was just the lift in his spirits that Swayde needed.