"Newt said you'd be in here," Victoria announced, as she came down the stairs into the storage cellar.

"Course, he would know where I went," I muttered, closing the front cover to Newt's little diary and stuffing a separate piece of paper into my pocket.

"You don't sound very happy about that," Victoria laughed, "So why exactly are you hiding?"

"You should just be excited that I left the Medjack's room," I said, sighing. Victoria pushed a box out of her way, so that she could get to me. She had two plates in her hands, both filled with food.

"I thought maybe you'd be hungry?" She spoke almost in the form of a question, her eyes apprehensive as she stared at me.

I probably looked awful. I was lying on the ground, in this dimly lit basement. I haven't showered in like a week, nor have I even thought about brushing my hair or teeth. And I can only imagine the way my face looks. Victoria was being tentative. She wasn't sure how broken I was.

I thought about her question for a few seconds. Do I want food?

I'm so sad and angry and worried, that I really don't want to eat anything. I really just want to run back to Newt. I want to comfort him and suffer with him. It's quite insane what I'd do for the person I love.

But then I remember my own well being and nod my head, "Of course, I'm starving."

Victoria seemed pleased with my response; almost relieved, even, as I sat up and took the plate from her.

This was healing.

I looked at the food and immediately wanted to throw up. It wasn't that the food was gross, it was just the fact that my stomach had been living off of a slice of bread and some grapes once every couple of days for the past week.

But I reluctantly picked up a carrot and bit into it.

I have to think about myself.

I have to eat. Newt is perfectly capable of taking care of himself for thirty minutes.

"So why are you down here, again?" Victoria asked after a few minutes.

I took a deep breath, swallowing the food in my mouth before I spoke, "I'm running away from my problems."

"Why?"

"Because I can't handle them, right now."

"And these said problems are?"

"It's Newt," I feel bad for throwing his name out as one of my problems, but it'll be easier to explain everything to Victoria if I start with him.

Actually I don't really know where to begin. How do I convey my feelings to others when I myself cannot even sort through them in my mind? Its impossible. That's why I've never asked for help before, because I don't know how.

In some ways, Newt and I are very similar people, in the way that we deal with our personal issues: by hiding it.

That's how we deal with things. I refuse to confide in others, because I feel that my problems are irrelevant and stupid. But I think about them, and dwell on them 24/7, so even when I mention a tiny fraction of my struggles to others, it seems as though I've already said too much to them, but I haven't. It just feels that way, because those thoughts have occupied a space in my mind for too long. I've sorted through all of my emotions so many times that I feel that the deed has already been done, but nothing has changed, because I'm still dwelling on my problems. And then I get stuck on the problems my mind can't solve, but I don't know how to ask for help because I don't know where the root of the problem lies.

It's a vicious cycle that only those suffering will understand. And for the first time in my memory, I get Newts apprehension. But it isn't something I want to feel, so it's time that I break my habit.

"What about Newt? I heard he's awake now."

"He is. He woke up last night," I mumble, trying not to remember the events that took place yesterday. But there I go again: pushing my feelings and problems away.

I need to embrace them and realize that things will only get better after I share my burden with others.

I can't do this on my own. I realize this. I need my best friend to be there for me. I need to trust Victoria.

"About that! What happened last night? I heard some crazy rumors," Victoria laughed, obviously not sensing the sorrow in my eyes. Out of the corner of my view, I think I even saw her wink.

"Nothing," The word came out too quickly. Victoria raised her eyebrows, waiting for an explanation. God, there goes my idea of breaking my hurtful habits.

Just tell her what happened. I could trust Victoria, right? She's been there for me since the beginning. But then again the secrets I want to share aren't just my secrets to tell. Its a very personal part of Newt's life. A part that I don't think he'd want me to tell her all about.

But it's stressing me out; keeping everything bottled up, so I'm going to trust Victoria with the weight of my emotions.

Call me crazy or call me fake, but I can't do this anymore.

"Newt," I took a deep breath, looking around to make sure nobody was nearby- I was in the freaking storage basement: there's nobody here, Brianne, "He tried to take his life," I bit another carrot trying to sound casual.

Victoria choked on the water she'd just put in her mouth, "What?"

"You heard me," Guilt immediately tore at my conscious, "Last night." There that's better. Nobody needs to know about the maze incident. That's something Newt shared with me. Not the gladers.

Wait, but I didn't even specify when he tried to kill himself, when I first told her a few seconds ago, did I? I didn't.

Gosh, I'm talking in circles.

"How? Why would he-?" Victoria held her hand out to touch my arm.

"I don't know," I lied. That's it, I don't want to share anything with anyone ever again.

"You're lying," Victoria said, "Why would he do that? That's crazy."

"I-I," I stuttered, immediately feeling guilty for confiding in anyone. This is why Newt keeps everything so bottled up inside; telling secrets kind of hurts, "He was so miserable when he woke up, last night, that he thought the pain wasn't worth it. He didn't actually try to kill himself, he just said he wished he could." There I covered it. Or at least I think I did.

"I'm sorry," She whispered. I looked over at her, her dark eyes were glazed over with tears.

"No, it's okay. Don't worry. But please don't talk about it to everyone. It's not something we want to share."

"God, I'm so sorry."

"It's fine."

My mind jumped back to last night when the only words I could conjure up for Newt were I love you. I guess it was kind of like that now. All everyone ever says is 'sorry', 'I'm so sorry'. I don't believe everyone's as sorry as they say they are. Because in the middle of the night when suicide is the only thing on your mind, the I'm so sorrys, mean nothing. People only say that to comfort you. You feel bad so you say the first thing that comes to your mind. For them it's 'I'm sorry'; For me it's 'I love you.'

But I do love Newt. My comfort words aren't a lie.

"And of course not. I would never," She paused, "I just can't believe it. Newt. Suicide."

That was another thing I hated: the pity in people's voices. The way they couldn't just say, Newt. It had to be Newt, with sadness in their eyes. They couldn't just say suicide. It had to be suicide with a quick sideways glance at the most broken person in the room.

I hated their pity and I know Newt hated it too.

Why did I even mention anything to Victoria? This whole situation is bothering me. I don't know why I'm annoyed, but I just am. I'm angry with everyone. Nobody wants to help me or Newt and I'm too scared to actually seek real support.

I swallowed down my unsaid words, "Yah, it's unbelievable."

"I can't even imagine how you must feel. Having to witness something like that. It must be scarring for you," Victoria said and for the first time, since meeting her, I felt an emotional barrier being built between us. She didn't understand. And that separated us.

"In the moment, I wasn't thinking about myself. I only cared about Newt," I replied, trying not to sound too defensive.

She nodded, "Well, I guess it's better now that we don't have problems like that in our council system."

"What the heck did you just say?" I stood.

"Newt's being taken off the council, I assume."

"Who put you in charge. Newt will be fine and resume his position as soon as he's healed. And even if he isn't a Runner anymore, the council will put him in charge of something else."

"I hear Minho might be taking his spot as Keeper."

Anger bubbled up from the pit of my stomach, venomous words threatened to fall from my lips.

Oh good to know, Victoria. I'm so happy to hear that your boyfriend is gonna be a Keeper. Whoopee! Let's throw a party! That's exactly what I want to talk about, when my boyfriend just tried to commit suicide. Wow! Awesome! It's nice to see someone taking Newt's position! How great!!

These thoughts quickly and privately ran through my mind, but why did I care about what Victoria thought, I'm gonna say these things out loud.

"You have no right to say that to me. Wait until I report this to Alby. You'll be put in the slammer for-"

"For what?" Victoria placed her hands on her hips.

She was right. What was I supposed to say?

I couldn't say anything.

"Never mind. Okay. Yah maybe Minho will take his spot, but I don't give two craps about you and your shucking opinion. It sucks! Your opinion sucks. And why in the world would you tell me that Newt shouldn't be on the council?! I mean, that boy deserves to be the leader here, because he knows more about leading than you or your boyfriend Minho will ever know! So goodbye, I'm going to the homestead if you want to talk realistically with me!"

"It isn't even your job to take care of people today. It's Clint and Jeff's. Why are you always at the homestead? When I find out-"

"My boyfriend just woke up from a five day coma, I have every right to be in there!"

"You just-" Before she could even finish her sentence, I had already walked away with a new weight of heartbreak in my chest. A hurt that didn't come from the usual relationship drama between Newt and I. I think, I just lost a friend. And this, in many ways, felt much worse.

~~~~~

I planned to enter the Medjack's room without knocking. I just need to make up with Newt, or at least get on peaceful terms. I don't know what I want, but I need to ease my aching heart.

My conversation with Victoria really made me angry. We're best friends and she told me my boyfriend should be removed from his council position. Why couldn't she just sympathize with me over Newt for like two seconds?

She didn't get it, I guess. She felt bad for me, when I told her that Newt wanted to kill himself. Wouldn't the proper response have been to feel bad for Newt?

Ugh, I don't know. I've been one big paradox lately and I don't like it at all. Things seemed so simple a few days ago. Life seemed so straightforward, even though I'm trapped in the center of a huge maze; things were simple. My life was laid out in front of me, every decision seemed to have been already made.

I would wake up and eat breakfast. I would work. I would eat lunch. Relax. Work more. Eat dinner. Hang out. Talk to Newt. And then go to sleep.

Every single one of those daily activities was now questionable. Nothing stays the same forever, apparently.

I walk into the Medjacks room with an apology already falling from my lips, "Look, Newt, I'm real-" I stopped when I realized Newt wasn't in here.

The hell-?

It was just Clint, who was making Newt's bed, and tidying up the room.

"Oh, hi Brianne, how are you today-"

"Where's Newt?" Every awful thought went through my mind. I left Newt alone in an emotional slum for forty five minutes: I literally hate myself, "Do you know where he went?- Clint, I need to know right now."

"It's okay! He's fine. We just moved him to a different room, because we think he's doing better. And between you and me, I think Alby wanted to ask him something," Clint wiggled his eyebrows, clearly oblivious to my oncoming panic attack.

"You said he's- where? Down the hall?" Newt's getting his own room? Inside?

"Yah, he's in Alby's old room. Think of it as a Recovery room."

I stood silent for a second. I need to not fall apart so quickly. It's a major issue of mine. One sentence- heck, one word, can tear me apart. I have to pull myself together, because if I need to save Newt, I myself need to be whole, "Thank you," I gave Clint a quick smile, before exiting the room.

Why was Newt given Alby's old room? Is this temporary? Mot to be a killjoy- but what if Newt never recovers?

I knocked on the door to the last room in the hallway. I think this is the right one, but I don't really know? I've never been this far down the hall.

"Come in," I recognize the voice immediately as Newt's, and am reassured that this is indeed the room he's in.

But I hesitate.

I look down at my shaking outstretched hand as it goes to wrap around the doorknob.

I hold my breath for a second, thinking over what I should say.

"I said come in," Newt repeats a little louder. I can't wait any longer.

I twist the knob and push the door open, taking a few steps into the room.

"Oh," Newt says, as he sees who entered the room, "Look, lets make this quick, Brianne. I understand that I've screwed up your life. I hate myself too, you don't have to come back. You can leave if you need to. I'm a bloody Class-A jerk."

I can't help the lack of words that escape my lips. I just stand there frozen under Newt's intense stare. I can't even think, how could I possibly form a coherent sentence.

"I'm sorry, I'm so broken," Newt whispered, as he moved so that his legs were hanging over the side of the bed. A much larger bed, when compared to the cot in the Medjack's room.

Just speak, Brianne.

I open my mouth, but immediately close it. My legs are shaking and my stomach is in knots. I slide my hand into my pocket, feeling for the letter I wrote Newt.

Everything I wrote feels stupid now.

An hour ago when I had run to the storage cellar to write a response to Newt's previously written letter, every word on my paper seemed so right. But now, as I stand in front of the one I addressed it to, it all seems so wrong.

I had everything planned out in my head, how I would hand him the note and not have to say a word. How we'd take a little break in our relationship, until we were both emotionally strong enough.

But as I stare at the boy I've come to love, I can't say anything. I can't move. I can't breathe. I can't think.

Is that what true love feels like?

"You're giving me that look," Newt's voice cracked, "You're breaking up with me," He didn't speak that sentence in the form of a question; he spoke it like he knew.

I tried to shake my head, but my movements failed me.

I've never felt this defeated before.

Every other time I'd faced Newt's broken spirit, I'd been strong and felt and believed that in my heart, my love for him would concur all. But now I'm not too sure.

Everything feels different. I feel different. I feel like I'm not myself and that maybe I never was. And I don't know how that could be.

"You can't even speak, is that how broken I've caused you to become?" Newt stood. And he took lumbering step towards me. I look down at his leg to see that it had been wrapped in white cloth rather tightly. He must have broken it after all, "I don't know what to say. Because I don't know how you're feeling. But I'm going to tell you how I feel, before you can stop me, okay?"

I nod, feeling tears gathering in my eyes. Newt walks over to me slowly, his hurt leg not very strong, and his strong leg seeming hurt by having to carry the extra weight. I had a feeling that Newt's leg would never heal fully. We don't have great medical supplies in the Glade, especially not for broken bones, so recovery isn't easy. We'd need a cast and we just don't have one.

The effects of suicide will always scar Newt, emotionally and physically. Hurt like that never really goes away.

"I love you with every inch of my being. I love you when I open my eyes to wake up and I love you when I drift off to sleep at night. I love you when you laugh and when you scowl and when you cry. I love you when you hate me and I love you when you love me. I love you when you look at me and I love you when you look away, because the hurt is too much to bear. I love you, Brianne, unattainably and uncontrollably and you know that. I've loved you from the second I met you and that's a shallow thing to do, but I've loved you ever since then and I can't believe I ever loved without knowing that someone like you lived out in the world. You'll never understand that I love you more than I love myself, but I do. You're everything I've ever wanted and nothing in this world could stop me from loving you. Love, I need you to save me. And I know that you're angry and- don't let this declaration change your mind, but bloody hell, I love you and that's the only thing I'm positive about. Nothing could ever take my love for you away. No amount of hurt or sickness or sadness," Newt wiped away a tear that had begun rolling down my cheek. My heart was heavy and only seemed to get heavier at his words.

This was hard: choosing between your head and your heart, choosing between the hard and the harder.

"Please, speak to me, Brianne. Please," Newt whimpered, beginning to cry.

Time seemed to freeze as I felt the overwhelming urge to escape this situation. It was too hard and I was too weak. I could never heal Newt's broken soul. But I didn't have an option. I was trapped in the worst of ways. I was trapped in love.

"I love you," I finally spoke, feeling like my lungs were going to collapse. First my fallout with Victoria and now this. Today had been too much, "I'm sorry. I needed today to breathe. I needed today to myself. It has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with me. Sometimes I can't bear to hear my own thoughts and I get overwhelmed. But it's not you. I promise, it's not you," My voice wavered in strength.

"I want to get better."

"I know."

"But I don't want to break you, while I heal."

"I know what I'm doing now, I can help you. I just had to help myself first," I reassured, looking around the room. I still couldn't shake the feeling of flight I felt in the bottom of my stomach. I need to talk about something other than my feelings. It's too much right now.

"Will days like this last forever?" Newt randomly asked, breathing heavily.

"What?"

"Will I always feel this way?"

"Not if we fix it. Once we concur it, I think it'll go away," I lie, sitting on Newts bed. I cough awkwardly, wanting to change the conversation, "So you got moved to this room?"

"Yah-" Newt's sentence was cut off by a knock at the door. Newt furrowed his eyebrows, "Come in!"

Alby poked his head into the room, "You mind if I talk to Newt for a few minutes?"

I stand, "Uh- yah. That's fine," I mumble moving towards the door, "I'll talk to you later?" I say to Newt as I pass him.

He seems to understand the words I was silently speaking, "Yah, later," Newt responds, signaling that he would tell me all about his conversation with Alby once he was done.

~~~~~~

~~~Author's Notes~~~

Hiiiiii babes!! I'm not too sure how I feel about this chapter, it's a bit all over the place, haha. But better luck next time!

Good news: Thursday is my last day of school AHHHH! I'm excited but a bit sad, and I don't know why! But I think I'm excited to finally break away from some of the drama at my school. MINI RANT: this guy who claimed to like me since last November, and who flirts with me 24/7 apparently has had a girlfriend for like a month and a half, and all of the kids at my school knew about it and just never told me... It's just awkward and I feel a bit upset and and I feel stupid BUT I HATE WRITING ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE ON SOCIAL MEDIA but I can't rant to anyone else because everyone I know was in on this..,,,...

ANYWAY STORY TIME IS OVER, ILY ALL AND I HOPE THAT SCHOOL OR SUMMER VACATION OR JUST LIFE IS GOING GREAT FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU, Y'ALL DESERVE A GOOD DAY. BYEEE!!!