~~~Author's Notes~~~

HIIII guys!!! FUN FACT: This chapter is the first chapter I wrote for To Love, before I even knew I was writing a fanfic, haha. I originally planned it as an imagine, but decided later on that a fanfic was more fitting. BUT YAH I WROTE THIS almost exactly a year ago.

It's by far my favorite chapter to date, and I am so incredibly proud of it. And I've saved it for so long, SO ENJOY!

Warning: it's a bit of a tearjerker I THINK, so reading this in the middle of class or around people might be a struggle, BUT ANYWAY ILY ALL!!!

~~~~~

~~~Brianne's Pov~~~

"Brianne?" I heard Alby call from the hallway.

"Yes?" He slowly came through the door. In the nicest words possible: Alby looked awful. Like it might be a tie between him and me, for worst appearance. His shoulders were slumped and he seemed just out of it to me.

He didn't say anything at first, as he pulled over a chair to sit next to me.

But finally he took a deep breath, "A lot has happened in the Glade," An exhale, "And I absolutely hate to be the bearer of bad news right now- and it really pains me to say this," He looked away without finishing his sentence.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Five Gladers were killed this morning."

"What?"

"We sent a group out to survey the place where we found Newt and a griever attacked them in broad freaking daylight."

"You sent people into the maze to figure out why Newt got hurt?" I couldn't hide the panic in my voice. Nothing happened. Well, nothing happened that could have been controlled. I mean, people died trying to see what happened. If Newt wakes up this will tear him apart.

"Yah, six people went out and only one returned."

"Who went- if you don't mind me asking," Please don't let it be anyone I know; I don't think I could bear that pain right now. I was losing two people already: Newt and myself.

"Minho was the only one to come back."

"Who died, Alby?" I pressed.

"Well, I don't know if you'd know them-" Alby said, side-stepping around the question.

"Who!"

"Nick was in the group," Alby finally spit out, tears gathering in his eyes.

At first I didn't know what to say, "Nick went into the maze to look at the place where Newt got hurt?"

Alby nodded, "He was genuinely concerned. I wanted to go- instead of him- but he kept saying how important it was that he went: to make up for something that he wouldn't tell me about."

"That's awful," I gasped. I decided that there was no point in holding a dead person accountable for the awful things they'd done. Especially now. I strongly disliked Nick, and I mean, didn't we all? But for some reason he hadn't hated me. I still don't get it. But then again, he rigged the council meeting so I'd get banished, but then he felt bad after the fact.

I hate that I can't hate him.

"I don't know what to do! We have no leader, so as of right now, I'm the leader. I'm gonna have to step up and do everything that I did before as second-in-command and everything Nick did when he was in charge- I don't know how I'm gonna do it," Alby trailed off.

"I'm sure, you'll be fine as leader," I said, looking down at my hands and then at Newt.

"It's just gonna be hard doing it alone," Alby sighed, wiping away a tear, "Nick was a buggin' jerk, but he was family to me."

I remained silent.

"And with Newt out, I have to fill his position as Keeper. So we're out a Keeper and a second-in-command. I don't know who will fill the shoes."

"Me neither," Newt's chest rose up and down steadily, and I caught sight of his fingers twitch. But that was it, no other movement. It'd been five days. Hope was slim. It's killing me; watching him so alive, but so dead at the same time.

"But, the real reason why I came up here, was to tell you something else," Alby trailed off again.

"What else happened?"

"Nothing yet. But- look, you're a smart girl and you're a caring girl and I know that you want what's best for Newt."

"Yah?" I was confused as to what he was implying.

"And sometimes what's best isn't the easiest thing to do."

"Okay? Alby, just spit it out!"

"We asked the creators for a serum this morning," Alby looked down.

"What?!" I shouted standing up, "What the heck did you just say?"

"It's what's best, Brianne. I believe in life more than anyone, but there are hard decisions I have to make-"

"You aren't going to touch him," I said, getting closer to Alby, "No way."

"He's been out for five days. Do you know how much pain he must be in? He might never wake up, wouldn't you rather his death be quick and painless, as opposed to a slow and torturous death, where his body slowly shuts down due to lack of food and water?"

"He's fine and he's gonna wake up any day now. You have no idea what pain he's going through."

"Look, it isn't my idea. We had an overall vote and the Keepers believe that a ceremony of goodbye should be held Saturday when the box comes up. If he isn't awake by then, then I'm sorry."

"The Keepers? Did you count Newt's vote? He would have voted against that," As soon as that statement came out of my mouth, I instantly regretted it. Would Newt have voted against his own death?

My heart says yes, but I can't be sure. If he were given the option, would he want the serum?

Now, I'm second guessing myself.

Newt wants to be dead anyway.

Why am I fighting so hard against it?

Wait, no! I need to fight against this. Everyone deserves life.

But either way, there was no way Newt was going to die due to a serum. That's possibly the stupidest way to die.

~~~~

A couple of hours had passed since my encounter with Alby, and I still hadn't figured out how I felt about everything that was going on.

The creators will be sending a death serum in our next box, which should be here saturday.

Nick is dead.

And Alby is our new leader.

Things had changed. And I wasn't ready to accept that change yet.

I sat with my legs up on the edge of Newt's cot, my back resting against the chair.

I'd eaten today. Which was a huge step in the right direction for me. Or at least that's what Victoria said: "This was healing."

Healing sucked sometimes.

I think, people forget to mention that. They never say what life is like if you don't choose to heal. Everything is always turned into some big inspirational endeavor. But what if you don't choose to get better? What happens when you give up? What happens when you're not suicidal, but you don't live with purpose either? Do people let you slowly waste away? Or do they force you to live life? Or do people just eventually let you go?Nobody ever tells you what life is like when you don't get help.

I was just begining to drift off into a peaceful sleep, when all at once, as if he were just waking up from a short nap, Newt's eyes fluttered open. This was the first time in five days, that I'd seen that beautiful brown color.

They fully opened, and my hand rushed out, touching his arm gently.

"Newt?" I couldn't hide the urgent excitement in my voice. My other hand flew up to my mouth, holding back a gasp. I couldn't comprehend this: Newt was awake!

Maybe I'm dreaming?

I ran my hand over my leg, feeling the denim fabric of my shorts. This was real.

Newt's focus was on the ceiling, as though he'd never seen one before. But his sight eventually drifted over to me and it seemed as though he wasn't the only one thinking he'd only imagined this. His expresssion was full of confusion and hurt. And for me, looking at him was almost painful.

He didn't say anything at first; just lied there studying me. I don't know know why, but I got nervous. What if he lost his memory? What do they call that- amnesia?

But finally he spoke, "What happened-" His voice was weak and scratchy, "Where am I?"

My heart dropped, "You're here, at the homestead?" Confusion was laced in my words: he didn't remember.

"Why would I be here?" He sat up, and I quickly stood, trying to gain dominance over this situation. Maybe this was for the best: he didn't remember, so the past couldn't ruin him.

"You got hurt, Newt, lie back down. It's okay, you're okay now." I wasn't sure which one of us I was reassuring.

"No," He said this word with a finality that made me cringe, "No. No. No." He remembered.

"Newt," I grabbed his shoulder, but loosened my grip when he winced.

"I couldn't have-" He looked on the verge of full panic.

"Newt-" I repeated frantically.

"I can't do anything right!" He ran his hands through his hair, tears falling from his eyes.

I stumbled backwards my hands fumbling for the box of matches, I lit a couple candles, lighting the room a little better. Dawn was just beginning, the room in a haze.

"Newt, you need to calm down. Please, for me." I held my hands out.

"I just-" He yelled loudly, "What is wrong with me! I want nothing more than to die. And I can't even be given that? Why?"

He threw his legs over the side of the bed, about to stand.

"No! Newt, don't stand, lets sit and talk about this," He continued to stand, "Newt!"

"What's wrong with my body?" He bowed his head in his hands, sobbing, "Help me," His voice cracked.

"I'm trying, babe. I just need you to listen to me."

"It hurts," He moaned.

"I-I know it hurts. Thats why you need to relax and sit down."

"I want medicine," He held his body up by leaning onto the bed's frame. His weight being supported by one leg. His right leg was bent in the air.

"Okay, I can do that, but please sit down," I opened the pill bottle, shaking out two white capsules.

"No, let me do it." He held his hand out.

"Why?"

"Please," The look in his eyes made my heart break.

"Fine," I handed him the bottle, watching his actions closely.

He shook the bottle, still balancing on one leg, "Can I have some water?"

"Yah, one second," I turned around picking up the cup of water from off of the desk. It was so weird, how quickly things had turned back to normal. I'd been mourning Newt's soon to be death like ten minutes ago and now I was having a full on conversation with him.

When I faced Newt again, his palm was full of pills, almost the whole bottle of medicine.

My heart skipped a beat, "Newt, are you crazy!? Give me that, what are you doing?"

"No, Brianne, give me the water." He was speaking slowly, his accent much stronger than normal.

"Why? What are you doing?" I took a few steps backwards, towards the open window.

"What does it bloody look like I'm doing?"

Newt took a few stumbling steps forward, pain obviously spreading throughout his body.

"I-I don't know," I stuttered.

"Well, in case I haven't made myself clear, I would like to die. And you are stopping me from doing what I want." His eyes were stuck on me. Unmoving. His gaze was intimidating, not gonna lie, but this was a fight I was inevitably going to win.

I had too.

"How am I stopping you?" My mind was working at incredible speeds. Thinking through scenario after scenario. What do I do? I couldn't panic that's for sure.

"The water," He reached his hand out towards me, "Please, Brianne. Let me do this. Nobody would know. You could say I passed in my buggin' sleep. I don't really care." Newt was pleading with me.

I took another step backwards, trying to create distance between us, "Why would you want to die, Newt? Is all this really that bad?"

He took a small hop towards me, "Yes. I'm done with the lies. I hate this place, it's hell for me." This was working I was distracting him, "Every day I hate it all, the maze, the glade, the people." I couldn't help the hurt in my chest as I heard his words.

My back hit the window pane behind me, cool air rushing over my body, "Newt."

"Please just give me the water, love." He whispered, less than a foot separating our bodies, "It's time." Newt stumbled forward, his hand reaching behind me for stability. Our faces were inches apart.

"I can't do that, Newt. I can't be the one to help you die."

"Why not?"

"I'm sorry, I just can't," I whispered, "Don't hate me- I love you."

He bit his lip, "I don't hate you. I don't think I could. But I just-" He sighed.

"You just what?" I let the hand holding the water move behind me, outside the window. Then I dropped the cup; a few seconds later the sound of it hitting the ground echoed through the air.

Newt's eyes widened, his free hand reached around me, "You didn't just do that? Why- Why would you-" He stumbled over his words, his eyes glistening with tears.

"Newt." I whispered, my voice so low it was almost carried away by the breeze.

His head bowed down, resting on my shoulder, "I don't understand. Why won't you help me?" He sniffled, and I wrapped my arms around his back, pulling him closer. I felt a few of his tears wet my shirt. My throat closed up tight.

"I love you. Please don't do this."

"I have to," His voice cracked, and his body shook with sobs. My hand went up to his head, my fingers running through his hair.

"I love you." I repeated at least four more times.

Silence carried on, broken only by Newts cries. I hated this. I hated seeing him this way. It was heartbreaking. A tear rolled down my cheek, involuntarily. Stop. I have to be strong. For Newt. For me. For both of us.

"I just wanted water." He mumbled.

"And I just want you alive."

"But I want to die," The words barely escaped his lips, "I hate this, Brianne. Don't keep me here." He lifted his head off of my shoulder, looking me straight in the eyes.

His blonde hair was matted to his head with sweat. His cheeks were wet and red from tears and his bottom lip quivered slightly.

I didn't know what to say. I had no words that would fix this. I had no words to fix him. I had nothing in my vocabulary that could be strung together to save him.

"I love you. I care about you and I love you. And I can't let you hurt yourself, because I just care that much," I hugged him.

"I can't do this." He shook his head. "You don't understand. I can't pretend anymore."

"So don't pretend. Talk to me." My hand wrapped around his, lightly prying it open, this hand still held onto the pills tightly. He took a hobbling step away from me. The look in his eyes changing into anger instead of sadness.

My calm facade crumbled, as I feared for the first time since meeting Newt, that I'd lost him.

"I have nothing to say to you," He muttered.

"Now you know that that's not true. Tell me how you feel."

"I feel like I'm dying."

"But you're alive."

"How can I possibly be alive when my insides are so dead?"

"You're insides aren't dead, Newt. You're one hundred percent alive right now and you dont even know it."

"If this is what living feels like then I don't want to do it anymore. This sucks."

"Well, what can I do to help you? Can I make anything better? Do you want me to talk to Alby? It's not right that you spend your whole life miserable."

"It's just- it's so hard, Brianne. I want to live, but I deserve to die."

"Nobody deserves to die, Newt. You know how long you've been asleep?" Newt shook his head, "Five days, almost six nights. And nobody killed you off. You were in your weakest, most vulnerable state, and everyone was still here for you. How can you say you deserve death, when everyone wants you alive? We're fighting: you need to, too. If you need help, you just have to ask. I would do anything, within reason, for you."

~~~~~

~~~Newt's Pov~~~

"That's not the point."

"Then what is it, Newt? What could it be? What can I do? Please! What else can I say?" Brianne shook her head, eyes frantically searching mine.

"Nothing, you can't say anything!"

"Then what are we doing right now? Why did you do this to yourself!?" She gestured to me.

"Because I could, because I can." I answered honestly, shrugging my shoulders.

"You're gonna die, Newt. Can you please get that through your head."

"So, let me die!" Why couldn't she listen to me? I need her to realize what I'm saying.

"I can't do that! I can't let you dig this hole any deeper."

"So what, Brianne? Let me. I want this more than anything."

She exhaled deeply, eyes closing, "What happened to you, Newt?"

"I'm finally becoming the product of my own destruction." I said letting my gaze fall to the bed.

"Why?"

"Because."

"But, you don't have to."

"Yes. Yes, I do. Why should I hurt anyone but myself?"

"You don't understand that you're hurting me when you hurt yourself." She was lying to me. Everyone was always lying to me.

"Why won't you and everybody else just let me die!?" I said chucking the pills at the ground, "Why can't you let me go?" I ripped off the bandages on my leg, blood began to slowly seep through the barely healed wounds.

"Because I love you, Newt!"

"That's not a good enough reason." I muttered, "Not anymore."

"You're insane." She sighed.

"You think I don't already know that? Every single day, everybody here bloody works. No one complains or says anything about nothin'. But I feel like klunk all the time. I wanna die all the time. I'm alone in my sadness. So why should I be the one to ruin the order of the glade? I'm just going to drag everyone down until people hate me so much, they banish me."

"Who could hate you?" She asked the most ludicrous question I think I've ever been asked.

"Who doesn't."

"Me." Brianne whispered, bowing her head.

"You say that now, but what about when I try to kill myself again?"

"You won't." She said strongly, so sure of herself.

"But I will."

"But, I'm here for you now," She walked up to me, closing the small gap that was previously between us, her hand reached out to hold mine, "Things aren't the same."

Against my first impulse, I didn't pull away. Actually, I even leaned into her more. My leg killed. It hurt so bad. I had a gut feeling that my injury would never fully heal. Looking at it would always kill me.

"Your letter was beautiful." Brianne whispered, her eyes dark and unreadable, "Sad, but beautiful." I closed my eyes, breathing in the scent of her, remembering the morning before everything changed. The way her eye lashes fanned out against her rosy, freckled cheeks. The way her chest rose up and down slowly, her lips parted.

"Death is a vast unknown, that I am finally ready to explore." She said quoting my note.

My lips ghosted over her forehead. She was calming me. The feeling of her pressed up against me, my arms wrapped around her small body. This was it. This was us.

"I love you unattainably and uncontrollably, forever, my love." Brianne's voice was soft, but not pitiful, "Beautiful."

I felt her head lean onto my chest. The heavy thump of my heart, hammering against my ribcage, continued even louder. Warmth radiated off of her body.

"I'm buggin' scared." I whispered.

"Of what?"

I remained silent, wanting to remember the way she spoke to me now. Just in case, it changed. In case, what I was about to say was going to alter the tone of her voice. It's stupid to do, I know, but it helps, it prepares me for people leaving. Makes it easier to let people go. If they change, so can I.

"Newt?"

I memorized the way her lips let that four letter word fall. The way I always hated the sound of it. What kind of name is Newt?

But the way she said my name, I suddenly didn't care that I had the worst name ever. It didn't matter. My name could be klunk and it would still sound like a song when she said it.

"I'm scared that I love you too much to let go."

"What?"

"I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of the maze. I'm scared of my secrets. I'm scared of people's opinions. But most importantly, I'm scared of myself." I inhaled, waiting for her to reply.

Time ticked by slowly, "I'm scared too."

"Of what?"

"I'm scared that I might not be able to save you," She whispered.

Without her knowing, she had just named my biggest fear. For I too, was scared that my life was an unsavable cause. I believed it more than ever now, and with my heart falling into a black abyss of sorts, I exhaled, letting my sadness drown the hope in my voice as I replied, "Me too."

And that was the first night after my failed suicide attempt.

~~~~~~~

~~~Author's Notes~~~

I'm going to try to make this quick, BUT I hope y'all liked this chapter. Let me know in the comments!!

And I don't know if this is true, but I feel like my writing is becoming more and more meaningful and deep. I don't know if thats the right words for it, but I feel very connected to my recent writing and I'm excited for the future updates.

Anyway ILY ALL and I have to go now, because I'm going to a painting class with my mom, BUT I'LL TALK TO Y'ALL IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!!

Btw: the scorch trials trailer both confused me and made ME WANT THE MOVIE RN