CW: This is quite an intense chapter, with mentions of drinking and very brief imagery of murder.

"You should not have done that, Lila."

"I know that, Iltani," Lilavati snapped, not bothering to raise her head to look at her friend.

Iltani sighed and sank gracefully to her knees beside Lilavati.

"I only want your continued safety and happiness, Lila." Some emotion trembled in Iltani's voice.

"That's not possible with the way you're acting right now. I brought you to Dvaravati so that Krishna would be able to protect you and change the path you walk on. I cannot tell how he will react to this. Unless you at least try and change, I fear for your safety, Lila. You may hate me for it but I will be happy in the knowledge that you are safe."

Lilavati swallowed against the lump in her throat as she raised her head and looked at the priestess and her dearest friend.

"I—I'm so sorry, Ilu," she whispered. "I'm trying my best, I promise."

Soft hands were threading through her hair. "I know you are, kianga. Please don't do this again."

Lilavati relaxed into Iltani's gentle grasp, somewhat safe in the knowledge that at least one person in the world loved her deeply and would fight for her no matter what.

As she was lulled to sleep by the soft motions of Iltani playing with her hair, she heard her murmur, "I love you now and always, my Krishna's Lila, don't you ever doubt that."

~

There was a soft knock at the doors of her chambers. Lilavati raised her head to fix her gaze on the grained tall doors.

Who could be visiting me at this time?

Iltani had spent a few days with her, and they had spent the time in silence or softly talking, and she had helped her work through the memories of her past and her repressed emotions because of them. She frowned, her hand drifting to her hip out of pure instinct.

The knock came again.

Lilavati knew no one would come willingly to visit her.

Still, she rose, quickly checking her reflection in the shaded mirror in case it was someone important, and opened the doors.

Beyond the doors stood Maharaani Nagnajiti, a soft smile playing on her demure face, though she held some otherworldly aura. Today, the queen was dressed in a golden saari, and Lilavati wondered in the back of her mind if the one who had sewn this dress had somehow managed to catch sunlight and reflect it in the saari.

How do all of Natha's wives appear so radiant and so beautiful all the time?

"May I come in, Lila?"

The quiet voice of the daughter of Nagnajita snapped Lilavati away from her thoughts, and she remembered her manners and joined her hands in greeting.

"Pranaam, Maharaani."

Nagnajiti's smile widened, and she raised her hand in blessing.

"May your love for Krishna grow in leaps and bounds, Lila and may you heal from the pains of your past."

An involuntary smile stretched Lilavati's lips.

"Please, come in, Maharaani."

Nagnajiti rolled her eyes and sighed, "Lilavati, if you continue to call me Maharaani then I will be quite cross with you."

Lilavati fumbled with her words, and let the wife of Krishna pass her in one sweeping movement. Nagnajiti sat down, and indicated to her to take a seat as well.

"Why... did you come here, Mahar—Jiji?"

She stumbled over her words, the address feeling foreign but also just so right on her tongue.

Nagnajiti's smile faded and her expression became one of contemplation. After a few moments, she spoke.

"I wished to visit you and learn for myself what exactly happened with Madhuraa a few days ago. A few of my sisters have also expressed their wish to know the truth from your lips, and I came here specifically because you appear to be the most comfortable with me."

Lilavati nodded. "What would you wish me to tell you, Jiji?"

"Whatever you are comfortable telling me."

Lilavati narrated the events briefly, touching upon her emotions and expressing her opinion that her anger was what had led to her murdering people in the past. Narrating events and reliving those moments in her mind brought her a mixture of emotions and she was not sure whether she was relieved someone else knew of her feelings or to give into the storm swirling in her stomach.

In a sudden fit of emotion, she dropped to her knees and sought out the feet of Nagnajiti, her hands pressing against them as she murmured apologies over and over.

There was a gentle touch on her shoulder, and the queen was raising her up, shaking her head.

"It is not me you must apologise to. You have told me all that you experienced, and that knowledge makes me understand you more. Forgiveness is not something to be sought lightly, Lilavati. I know you understand the weight of your crime, which makes your deeds even more grey in my eyes."

Lilavati sat back down, wondering silently if this was what her life had come to. Apologising and feeling absolutely terrible in general.

But she also knew that her life right now was better than it ever had been, when she laboured under a love heavier than the weight of the earth and her crimes that lay upon her like a heavy blanket. At least now she had been given the chance to redeem herself and give fruit to some of her love that still weighed in her heart.

"You know—" began Nagnajiti, "—when I was younger, there were moments when I felt life was absolutely fruitless. Who was I? I was a princess of a small kingdom, cherished by my family, yes, but little more than that. I had grown up on tales of women who had changed the entire world with nothing more than their sheer force of will. I wanted to be one of them when I was younger, and I spent long hours dreaming about such a life, where my name was known to all, and taken with respect and love. I kept waiting for an opportunity to show itself.

"But as I grew older, I grew more disillusioned, and there were some dark times in my past." She averted her eyes, no doubt recalling those times. "I found little value in life. I was a princess, coddled by my parents and brothers, and raised in the finest of silks and fed with golden spoons. I was hailed as the harbinger of prosperity to Kosala, Sri RamaChandra's golden kingdom. I was little more than an icon. I hated it."

Nagnajiti slipped her hands into Lilavati's, squeezing them gently as she continued, "And now, I have come to accept that that kind of life wasn't made for me. I am known, yes, known as Krishna's wife, and while the younger me might not have wanted to be defined by the men in my life, the present me has come to accept it. We all get what kind of life we deserve, not the one we want. And you, Lila, you have a chance that the younger me would have died for. Do not let it go to waste."

Lilavati lowered her head, letting the words sink in.

"Everyone has some kind of pain in their past. It is only by overcoming it and not letting it claim you will you be able to define a new future for yourself."

"I understand, Jiji." And she truly did.

They fell into silence.

Lilavati worked up the courage to say something. Once the first words were out of her mouth, the rest came tumbling out.

"It was some many years ago, Jiji, when I was still young and naive, unaware of the workings of the world. My love for my Lord had flowered in me since I was nothing but a small child, and I was wandering the vast world, a vagabond with no true home. I was inexperienced in many things. One of those days, I was staying in a village, and had been doing so for a few months. I used to serve madira at one of the eateries there, and it was not a fun experience, with all of the people coming there to drown their sorrows in madira or play games with something that would slowly end up killing them."

She frowned. "It was one particular evening, the skies were cloudy and the torches had already been lit. There was this woman who had already taken several drinks, and appeared quite intoxicated already. I dreaded this thing, as she called for more and more because I knew it would be my duty to drag her home if she fell unconscious. She grabbed onto my hand when I had just finished serving her, and forced me to sit beside her. And she began to ramble about something I could hardly make out, because of her slurred speech. She told me about her dead children, and suddenly let go of my hand. She began to wail something, which for some reason I could perfectly understand."

Lilavati curled her fingers into a fist as her voice failed her.

"I..."

She tried her best to avoid it. But the memory crashed onto her.

She shut her eyes tightly as those horrific words echoed in her ears, forever seared into her memory to haunt her for the rest of her days, the wailing lament of a mother whose children were dead and the blame of a once devout devotee to her Ishta. Then suddenly there was the shhhnk! sound of a knife sliding into flesh echoing in her ear, and Lilavati flinched.

"Lila?"

The concern in Nagnajiti's voice brought her back to reality, and she took deep, gasping breaths.

"Are you alright? ...You don't have to continue if you can't."

"No Jiji, I... I have to do this. I need to say it to someone else."

"She said some—words—I will never forget, and I could not bear it. To hear the insult of my Lord who-who protected me in my darkest moment, who was the only reason I continued to survive—that was something I could not bear. A blinding anger washed over me and for a moment there... it was as though I could take the platter in my hands and use only that as a weapon at her. I don't know how I got through that period of time until she fell unconscious from the amount of madira she drank, my grasp on the platters so tight I could see my knuckles whitening.

"She finally dropped to the table, and I took my chance. I told the head that I was going to drop the woman off to her house, and I took off. Only, I went to the forest behind the village, certainly far enough to not be discovered immediately. And... I killed her."

The moments before her first murder played before her, and her stomach turned at the violence she had used. Her nails dug into her palm, slowly breaking to release a thin amount of blood.

Lilavati bowed her head, knowing that Nagnajiti beside her was probably agape in fear, and she knew that the queen would rise and leave without another word, never to speak to her again, like all others had and she knew she could not fault her for that.

She was then surprised, when after a period of time, fingers tucked under her chin and raised her head. There was—to her shock—something like understanding shimmering in the star-akin lotus eyes of the queen.

"You have grievously wronged the world, Lilavati. But... now I can see why. It does not excuse your deeds, indeed it changes nothing at all except to understanding. Dark have been your days. And Hari sees all. Even your repentance. It may take you a long, long time, beyond your current life even, to be washed clean of the sins you have committed. But you can begin now. I do not excuse you. But I understand you."

Lilavati had no words for that. Only Iltani before her had ever said so, deeming her love for her husband higher than her sins.

"Thank you, Jiji. You do not know how much this means to me," she said hoarsely.

And the ghost of a smile flickered on the queen's face.

"Believe me, I may be able to understand."

They sat together for a long time, Lilavati working through her feelings and Nagnajiti simply providing support by her presence and providing her a welcome place to speak if she so desired. The sun dipped below the horizon and the moon came out as well, from golden to silvery rays.

Eventually, the princess of Kosala rose.

"I must go now."

Lilavati rose from her seat as well, bowing her head in acknowledgment, silently thanking her stars above to have someone else understand her.

Just as Nagnajiti was about to cross the threshold, she turned and called her name.

Lilavati looked at her.

"Lila. I may have understood you, but I will not let this happen again. Do not seek to harm Madhuraa in any fashion. She is—even if she may deny it—my younger sister-by-heart as all my co-wives are, and I do not tolerate harm to any of my family."

There was a hard light shining in her eyes.

Lilavati swallowed and nodded.

A/N: Whew! This turned out a lot more intense than I was expecting. If the wording seems a little clunky here and there, it's because I edited out a heavy amount of pretty dark imagery. 

It was also a fine line balancing Nagnajiti Jiji's words. I cannot take away the blame from Lila and whitewash her, but I do want her to be understood. I hope I did it well enough. 

Well! I think a few of you might be bored by the way this story is taking, what with her moping around and crying and just dealing with stuff from her past. Yeah, the story gets a little more interesting from now. I hope. 

Okay, this is turning too long. Hope you enjoyed!