I just watched Kirstie die. I was just in the room with her, watching it happen.
A part of me feels the way I did when I first learned of her death. The way I felt driving to the hospital after Scott called to tell me that something had happened to her. He didn't want to say what exactly happened but he sounded so distraught... I knew it was bad, but I wasn't prepared for her to be dead.
Dead...
That word still makes me sick.
The other part of me just felt numbness. It was just nothing at all. Not really sad not really happy, just... Blank. And honestly, blank is worse than sadness, because it makes me feel dead myself.
I awoke gently, to a few small fingers weaving in and out of my hair.
"Hey, Baby." Kirstie whispered. I groaned and rolled over towards her, burying my face into her chest. "Are you ready to wake up?" She asked. I responded with another groan.
Something heavy was suddenly sitting on my chest and then began to lick my face, Olaf.
"Olaf, No!" Kirstie scolded, "Sorry, do you want him on your bed?"
"It doesn't matter." I chuckled. Olaf was proving to come in handy. I'm beginning to understand why dogs come to hospitals and nursing homes, they really do make things better somehow.
We finally got out of bed, and in a comfortable silence shuffled around getting dressed as Kirstie made breakfast for me.
"Thank you, sweetheart." I said kissing her neck, I wrapped my arms around her waist as she stood at the stove and gently rocked her back and forth.
"Of course." She giggled. She fixed my plate and sat down across from me as I ate.
"So how are you feeling? Ya know, after everything you saw..."
"Umm..." I shrugged I couldn't quite put words or thoughts together. "Sorry, I'm still a bit overwhelmed." I said
"Yea? I'm sure you are. I showed you a lot of intense shit." She said. I looked over at her from across the table. She was playing with her own fingers on the table. And there I saw the scars on her wrists. The same scars she showed me before. They're still there.
"I'm sorry Kirst. I'm sorry that was your life." I said. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat.
"Don't be."
"But I am." I said, "I understand what you've been saying, about destiny and all of that, and I get it, there's nothing that can be done now about what happened then..."
"Yea..." She said quietly. "You done?" She asked taking my plate over to the sink. It stayed quiet for a moment.
"Can I ask you something though?" I asked.
"Mmhmm."
"Why where you with Jeremy?" I asked.
"He was good looking, and charming, he's a musician, and he was interested in me..."
"Okay? So... Why'd you stay with him so long? After everything he did to you."
"Avi, he didn't really do anything to me."
"Are you kidding? He hurt you!" I said. I can feel myself getting a bit heated and I try to keep my anger at bay. "I remember the way he used to talk to you, he didn't respect you!" I argued
"Avi, stop don't judge him."
"But you just showed me what happened, I saw him put his hands on you."
"Avi, please."
"No! He didn't love you, I love you!"
"I love you too! But-"
"But WHAT!?" I shouted. Olaf began barking in between us, the way he did when she was arguing with Jeremy, I guess he felt like she was in danger. But I wasn't gonna hurt her. "I'm sorry." I took a deep breath, "I know I'm getting angry now I just- I just can't handle it. I can't believe he treated you like that."
"I know it was bad, but it's okay."
"It's okay? Kirst, look at what you did to yourself!" I said grabbing her wrist, "you're dead!" She snatched her wrist back.
"Avi, relax okay?" She warned, she was get if frustrated. "Now I know Jeremy never treated me very well... But I forgive him."
"You forgive him?"
"And I think you should too."
"I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM!"
"Don't shout!"
"AS FAR AS IM CONCERNED HE'S THE ONE WHO KILLED YOU! IT'S HIS FAULT YOU'RE DEAD!"
"That isn't true..."
"HE TOOK YOU AWAY FROM ME! FROM US!"
"No! He didn't do it! I did! I killed myself!"
"Why are you always sticking up for him, goddamnit, Kirst!"
"You don't understand him!"
"Fuck him!" I said disgustingly
"Avi!"
"FINE! I WONT BLAME HIM! IT WAS YOU!" I said turning away from her. "If you wanted to leave me so goddamn badly, then why the HELL ARE YOU STILL HERE!" I shouted. Olaf barked his head off, but it was silent between us for a moment.
"You want me to leave?" She said quietly.
"No." I took a deep breath and rubbed my hands through my hair, "No I don't-"

She was gone.