Chapter 5: Smoke

Monday morning. My alarm clock rings or rather resounds terribly in my ears. Ace did not give me any sign of life since this famous evening.

With his lips, he took me in the stars then by his silence, he let me fall again without parachute. The warmth of his hands against my hips still haunts me.

I walk towards the office with a heavy heart. I have a terrible feeling of foreboding swirling around in my head. Is this what being in love is all about?

It hurts. It hurts terribly.

As I enter the glass and steel monster, Aaron calls out to me and beckons me over. I don't know what he wants from me so early in the morning. Probably apologizing for having cowardly abandoned me the other night in front of Ace. I get closer and see a box next to him. He has a sad face and the embarrassment can be read on his whole body. What's wrong with him?

- "Uh-uh, hello Selene... I-I'm not sure how to tell you..."

Anxiety snakes along the back of my neck.

- "You can go ahead Aaron, I'm listening." I answer him, trying to be as reassuring as possible.

- "Mr. Faust asked me to give you this paper and your things." He says to me while timidly pointing at the box.

I grab the paper first and read it. My whole body shakes, my heart too. Each word pierces my heart like a dagger.

Nova Corporation is sorry to terminate your probationary period.

He's terminating my probationary period? Just like that? Through Aaron? What kind of revenge is Ace taking?

The anguish that had been running through my body a few moments before turns into a black anger. My blood boils. My head buzzes. My heart thunders. My body abandons me.

- "Aaron, hold my box for five more minutes please." I say very calmly before heading to the elevator.

TING! The doors open slowly to a perfectly calm Ace at work. He lifts his head and his eyes give off no expression. No spark, no ember.

Nothing.

- "Miss Katell. To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit? Has Aaron not done his job?"

- "Why?" I question him, while not answering his question.

- "Why what, Miss Katell?"

- "Would you stop for two seconds Ace?"

- "Ace? No more Mr. Faust?"

- "Last time I checked you're not my boss anymore so I'll call you whatever I want. Now stop your little games and answer me. Why?"

- "For the same reason you're currently in my office. This whole thing has gone too far. I've had my fun but I know you won't be able to stay professional after what happened."

- "Oh so it's my fault is it? Tell me, which one of us fired the other? And I'm the unprofessional one?"

With that, I turn on my heels and rush into the elevator. As the doors close, I stare into his eyes and say:

- "Look at yourself in the mirror Ace. Which one of us is afraid now?"

Once back in the lobby, I retrieve my box, bid Aaron farewell and take a cab.

After slamming the door to my apartment, I violently throw the box on the floor. Almost ironically, the first thing I see is the stupid helmet Ace gave me.

Anger does not leave me. I feel like if I don't let it out somehow it will consume me. I used to bury my feelings deep and wait for it to pass.

But today... Today, there is no more room.

I grab the helmet and throw it so hard that it goes through the whole room and ends up against a wall with a deafening crash.

Everything I've buried so far makes its way down my throat, then my tongue, and out in a long, agonizing scream that breaks my vocal cords. It is so intense that I have to hold my chest with one hand and my knees with the other.

I end up collapsing on the floor from exhaustion.

Still on my living room floor, I fall asleep.

The next few days are a delicious, sweet, slow descent into hell. I don't go out anymore, I don't eat, I don't read. My heart is as if burned, blackened by resentment. I do not shed a single tear. It is as if my whole being was punishing me for having succumbed to Ace.

After a week, I don't feel anything anymore. Neither happiness. Nor anger. Nothing. There is only me and the gaping hole between my ribs.

I can't stand it anymore, I want to feel something again, anything ... I need it.

Out of the corner of my eye, still slumped in my sofa, I see through my window the snow starting to fall. I stand up, go to my dressing room and put on a warm enough sport outfit to go out. I decide to go for a run, for the first time in my life. It took a broken heart to get me going. How ironic.

I take a path along a winding road that offers a breathtaking view of the city. It's an horrible storm but I run and run and run.

The wind is icy and it feels like every falling flake could slice my face. My breath is chaotic and a metallic taste is coming in my mouth. My body is screaming at me to stop but I don't listen. I have to keep going, I have to pull a little bit more on the rope. I have to keep feeling something other than this terrifying emptiness.

Was that it? What drove Ace to do all these extreme activities? After all, I lost him but he lost his parents.

I shake my head, refusing to think about him for a second longer and end up pausing in my run. The only thing I can hear is the terrible whistling of the wind. Of course, who would go out in the middle of a snowstorm to go running?

A few seconds later, as if the whole universe was trying to contradict me, I hear footsteps crashing in the snow. After the footsteps, I finally make out a silhouette. As it gets closer, I see them... His ocean blue eyes.

No doubt about it. After spending hours scrutinizing them these past few weeks, I could recognize them between a thousand, even at this distance.

He slows down and examines me. I deduce that he hasn't recognized me yet and take the opportunity to turn around.

- "Selene? Selene!"

At the call of my first name, tears threaten to flow. Before they can form in the corners of my eyes, I run back.

- "Selene, I beg you, do not leave!"

I runaway without difficulty since the storm makes it impossible to see more than a meter in front of you.

On my way home, I collapse on the ground once more. I wanted to feel something and well here I am served. What did he want from me? Why did he call me by my first name? And then, what was he doing there?

As if everything was perfectly timed, my phone starts ringing and his name appears on the screen. I put my head between my knees and my hands over my ears to stop hearing the shrill ringing.

I don't know how long I stay in this position, but when I look up, it's night and the storm is over.

I slide down to the floor, grab my cell phone and see that Ace has left me a voice message. I hesitate to listen to it, as if I were afraid to hear the sound of his voice again. The curiosity and the withdraw get me and I launch the recording:

- "Selene ... I know that listening to me is probably the last thing you want, but after seeing you ... I mean if it was really you and not just my imagination. Who knows? Maybe I'm going crazy... Anyway ... I'll wait for you at the address I texted you at 7pm. I'll understand if you don't come and I won't call you anymore... Take care of yourself."

His voice shakes, he sounds exhausted.

I open my messages and see that he has indeed sent me an address. Frantically I look at the time and realize with horror that it is already 6:50 pm. I get up abruptly and go down the stairs 4 by 4. I wave my arm in all directions to signal to one of the many cabs that use my street every day. After five minutes, I finally manage to stop one and give him the address in a hurry. I beg him to go as fast as possible.

When the cab arrives, I immediately recognize the place where I am. The bookstore cafe where it all began. Ace, what have you planned?

My heart races with surprise and I start to look for him. I look to the right and to the left but I don't see him anywhere. Then I realize that he has left.

I am late and he is gone.

It's all over for good this time.

As I realize this, all the tears I was holding back start to flow down my cheeks uncontrollably. I stand there crying under the worried eyes of some customers and employees. Ashamed of exposing myself to the view of everyone but unable to move my legs, I buried my face in my hands.

Suddenly, very gently, someone takes me in his arms. I recognize the hands and the warmth that have haunted my thoughts night and day. I wrap my arms around Ace and hide my face in the hollow of his neck before crying harder. He gently strokes my hair and whispers in my ear over and over:

- "Forgive me, if you knew how sorry I am... Sorry ... So sorry."

After a good ten minutes, all the water in my body has drained from my eyes and not a single drop remains. I take off myself very slowly from Ace and take the time to detail once again his face. His jaw, his lips, his nose and then his eyes reddened by emotion.

- "Hot chocolate?" He asks me oscillating between laughter and sobbing.

- "Hot chocolate!" I answer him smiling.

We take a seat at a table on the terrace, each one on a big armchair and wrapped in a plaid. A few sips help us regain our composure and Ace speaks first:

- "Do you remember the first time we were here? You told me I was named after a man who sold his soul to the devil... Well, I've been doing a little research myself ever since. Did you know that Katell comes from the Greek word Katharos which means pure? It couldn't fit you better. You, the angel who shared moments I'll never forget. My angel."

His angel.

I don't know if it's the effect of the cold or her words but I shiver.

- "Are you cold? Come here." He says to me while opening his arms and his plaid.

I hesitate. We've already (innocently) slept together and (fiercely) kissed against his car. Sitting against him is nothing special at this point. And after all, we only have one life and I'm dying for it.

I place myself against him and he closes his plaid around us. My head rests on his shoulder. I feel whole again. I feel like me again.

- "Selene?"

- "Hmm?"

- "What were you doing running around like that in the snow?"

- "What about you ?"

- "I couldn't take it anymore. I was going crazy. Your absence was driving me crazy. I was looking for your eyes in other people's eyes, hearing your laughter when no one else was talking, and smelling your scent gradually leaving my sheets. After we kissed, I, who was not afraid of anything, became terrified. Terrified of letting someone into my life again and having it taken away from me. Terrified of loving you and losing myself. But when you left for good, losing you terrified me even more. Now I'll never let you go again. It won't be you and me anymore, but us. Selene Katell .... I love you."

- "And I love you too Ace Faust."

Delicately, our faces move closer together and our lips touch. This time it's a soft kiss like a caress. Our hearts waltz in unison. Ace is certainly not the prince I expected but he is the devil that captured my heart.

Perfect. Everything is perfect.

Perfect until that high-pitched brake noise on the ice left by the storm. The car's headlights blind me. Life is not a movie, no one miraculously has the time to push his half and save her, the shock is inevitable.

We have just enough time to tighten our embrace on each other.

I close my eyes and the shock takes my breath away. While I am still in the air, a sharp pain runs through my body.

Gravity finally does its work and I find myself thrown on my back. The unbearable pain gradually turns into tingling. First on the level of my feet, they slide along my legs and then my torso until they envelop me entirely. Then the pain disappears and the thousands of lights of the city dance in my eyes. They swirl like fireworks... A bit like the final bouquet of my life.

Using the little strength I have left, I turn my head hoping to find Ace with my eyes.

He is there, a few feet away from me, his face already turned towards mine and his hand extended. The snow, so white a few minutes before, is wearing a scarlet dress beading from his temple.

In an effort that seems superhuman to me, I reach out my hand towards his. Our fingers brush against each other. The screams of the crowd reach me muffled. It is as if the world had suddenly started to turn too fast around me. The only one left at my pace is the man in front of me who smiles at me wildly.

My head becomes lighter and lighter and I have difficulty keeping my eyes open. Difficulty and slowly, I look at Ace and articulate as best I can:

- "I ... Am... Not ... Afraid... Anymore."

At his smirk, I know he gets it.

And then, as if someone had blown on it, the flame that danced in his eyes is now just smoke. A smoke that covers them all before they close.

He leaves, as promised, with a smile on his face.

A last tear runs down my cheek, a last long sigh crosses my lips then silence.

Thank you Ace.

I have lived.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

End note: And now TO LIVE is already over! This is the first book I've published and I'm proud to have gone through with it!

Thank you for reading it, I hope you enjoyed it.

I know the ending is sad and I probably broke your little hearts but I wanted an ending like this. Indeed, the moral of this book was to say that unfortunately life can stop overnight and that you have to know how to enjoy every second of it!

I hope to see you in my other books !