Wow, I'm really good at making myself miserable. Like, extremely good. Look, I wanted to talk to him, but I had no idea what I was going to say. I didn't want to make things worse between us, and I knew that if I opened my mouth and said what I was feeling, I probably would.

So I watched him, from afar. At dinner, which was the only meal he came down for, I would watch him while he wasn't looking. He always stared down at his plate, and he hardly talked to anybody. In the evening, when we were all unwinding, he would sit in the corner by himself and read. And when I went on patrols with him, which was increasingly frequent thanks to some divine force by the name of Peggy who kept switching her place on the morning patrol with me, he didn't talk then either.

I miss him. I miss him a lot. But what am I supposed to do? What can I do without making everything worse? Without losing him forever? It's better this way. I'm doing this for the good of both of us, so it won't hurt so much when he's gone. I'm sparing us the pain. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

One night, when I couldn't catch an ounce of sleep, I closed my eyes and listened to the world surrounding me. I thought I heard music. Faintly, but it was there.

The next morning, he walked downstairs, completely different. Gray, cat-like eyes; black dragon wings in place of his usual white ones; his magenta overcoat was replaced with a simple and discreet black one; and all topped off with horns curling in front of his ears and up. He said nothing, staring at the ground.

That's how I knew he was becoming more and more distant as the days dragged on.

"Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I think you look cool," said Philip, grinning at him.

For once, Thomas smiled. "Thanks. There was a tail, but I decided it was too much work. Trying to make a statement, you know?"

"Really?"

"No."

The days dragged on, and I saw him less and less and less until I went entire days without seeing him. I tried to bring it up with Eliza, but whenever we talked about it, she gave me the same speech she gave me the day we were on Nevis. So I stopped talking about him.

I sat at the table, taking a sip of tea. It burned my throat going down, and it tasted absolutely horrible, but without coffee, it would have to do. James, who was sitting across from me, raised his head in greeting and nodded to something behind me. Thomas was standing in the doorway, his hand resting on the wooden frame.

I tried not to let my eyes wonder up and down his body for too long, but I couldn't help it. He was back to what I had grown accustomed to before the whole Tenebrie thing. I wondered how much work it took him to stay like that, but he looked just as beautiful as always.

For a second, I considered waving to him. Inviting him to sit and smiling to him as he did so. Talking to him like he was my Thomas again. But then, he spoke.

"I'm going back to Avionerra," he said abruptly, ending the current conversation about how Lafayette couldn't live off of a diet of just grass and grain like a chicken. All eyes flickered to him, and when he had everybody's attention, he pushed forwards, launching into something that he had obviously spent time going over and practicing. "I don't know for how long I'll be gone, or when I'll be back. Or even if I'll be back." His voice was cold, displaying nothing, and his posture was just as straight as ever, but there was a flicker of something in his eyes.

My mouth went dry, and as I desperately tried to think of something to say, nothing came to mind. My stomach plummeted faster than someone falling through air. He might not be coming back. He might not be coming back. Divinity, what would I do then? What would I do without him?

"You don't have to come with me, not if you don't want to. I mean, I'd really appreciate it if you did, but none of you owe me anything. Especially not with the way I've been acting recently. The way I've treated all of you." He folded his hands behind his back and nodded. "And I wanted to apologize, for that. So, yeah. I'm sorry." It wasn't the simple statement that got to me as much as the shakiness behind his words, even if he tried so hard to hide it.

"Do I have to go?" asked James. The hint of a smile pulled at his lips, and Thomas very visibly relaxed.

"Yes. You don't have a choice."

"Damn. Alright, when are we leaving?"

"As soon as possible."

"Can I go?" Philip asked. "I've never been to Avionerra."

"Philip—" I started.

"I think we should all go! It'll be fun!"

"Philip, if they don't want to go, they don't have to," Thomas said. He glanced at me, trying to catch my eye. I looked away quickly and said nothing.

Eliza rolled her eyes, apparently not too eager to trust Thomas with our child. "I think Philip's right. I think we should all go." Her words were pointed specifically at me, even if she didn't spare me a glance. "One, I doubt Washington will care, as he left this morning. Two, it'll be fun and that's the primary reason why we should do it."

"I don't know if fun will be the right word."

"We're going. That's final," she said, leaving no room for argument. "You're welcome."

I hate you.

"No you don't."

A hush fell over the table, but Thomas nodded after a second. "Alright. Well, we'll be leaving at noon, so I guess you guys have a bit of time to get packed and whatnot."

"Why don't you come sit and eat?" Lafayette asked. "And tell these people that I can live off of grass if I needed to."

Thomas frowned. "Lafayette, I don't think that's scientifically possible."

"Never mind. Go away. And I don't give a shit about your so-called science."

Thomas laughed lightly. I looked away, trying to quell the feeling of my heart jumping to my throat before he could notice. Fuck. Even his stupid fucking laugh still had a tight hold on me.

He stepped up to his seat and sat down. "No. I'm interested in this discussion."

~•~

"Why can't we just teleport?" I asked James quietly, shifting on the hard bench seat of the jolting carriage. "Wouldn't that be easier?"

"We can't just teleport into the Capital. There are protection spells, even in the most southern border of Avionerra. They're meant to protect the region against the King."

"Do they work?" asked Eliza from beside me, perking up with interest.

"They haven't let us down yet."

"Interesting. What kind of spell is it, and is it possible to cast it around Migellis?"

The two of them started talking about who knows what, but all of my attention was fixed on the scenery passing by. We were traveling across grassy cliffs, and some in the distance were carved by waterfalls. It was a refreshing scene from the forest surrounding our castle. Trees can get pretty boring to look at after a while.

Something in the sky far above caught my attention. It was so far away, at first it looked like a giant bird. But I had traced the shape of the silhouette enough times before to know that was a person. "There's somebody out there. Flying."

"Probably a guard shift or something. We've been on edge for the longest time since...well. You know." James frowned and glanced out the window as well. "This is pretty far out though. We have at least an hour until we get to Avionerra."

An hour more of this? Plus however much time it takes to get to the Capital or whatever James called it?

Thomas was facing the window to his right, sitting next to James. He hadn't spoken since we embarked. Eliza followed my gaze and cleared her throat. "So, Thomas. Excited? Nervous?"

"For what?" he asked distractedly. "Oh! Uh, yeah. I guess I'm a bit nervous."

"You should talk to him."

Didn't you just try that? Did it work at all?

"Alexander, come on," she said, and I heard her sigh within my mind. "What's wrong with you? Look at him. He's obviously scared."

That isn't my problem.

"When did you become so heartless?"

I kicked her leg and cast a glance at Thomas. His head was resting against his hand, and I swore his mouth was moving. He must have been reciting something underneath his breath, but I was too far away to hear.

"How old are you?"

Five. Leave me alone.

"Talk to him."

No.

"Yes."

No!

"Yes!"

I can keep doing this for hours. Don't test me.

"Oh! For Divinity's sake!" Thomas shouted suddenly. "You two are horrible at this! You aren't very secretive."

James was smiling to himself, and he nodded in affirmation.

"Are you reading my mind?" I asked, keeping my voice as calm as I could make it.

"No. You're broadcasting it to all of us."

I spun to face Eliza, who was staring straight ahead. The corners of her mouth turned up slightly into a smile.

I hate you.

"You wish you did."

Whose side are you even on?

"My own."

Thomas leaned back against his bench and sighed, and the four of us fell silent again. "Can I get out?" he asked after a while.

"No," returned James simply, not looking up from the book sitting in his lap. How he managed to read in this piece of shit carriage, I'll never know. This is why cars were invented. "You need to stay in here. It'll be better for appearances."

"But I'm bored and I want to fly."

"Funny. I don't remember asking you what you wanted."

"You are the definition of a nightmare," Thomas muttered before returning to the window. I watched the way his fingers drummed against the space on the bench next to him. His mouth kept moving as he stared outside. Sure, there were thousands of other things to look at, but I couldn't take my eyes off of him.

He had heard what I had said. He now knew I was refusing to talk to him, purposefully avoiding that outcome. Not like it was much of a secret, but whatever. And once again, he didn't show any hint of emotion. There was nothing. Not even a twitch of the eye. And Eliza called me heartless.

How happy was he that I let him go?

"What are you mumbling?" James asked. I looked away so neither of them would catch my eye.

"Nothing," Thomas responded. "Just rehearsing something."

"I know you're worried, Thomas, but it's going to be okay. Your mother misses you, okay? She won't yell."

"Obviously, you have never met my mother," Thomas said sharply. He sighed and looked away, drawing his knees to his chest. "I'm okay. I'll live." There was an edge to his voice, as though he didn't quite believe it himself.

"What happens if you do become lord?" I asked, the first thing I had said to him unprompted since we left Nevis.

"Then I stay in Avionerra."

"What? Forever?"

"I'm sorry. I thought it wasn't your problem." His words cut through the air like daggers. He met my gaze steadily, his jaw locked. "You know what? I'm glad you at least acknowledged that you're ignoring me. Now I don't have to feel like I made everything up. That there was nothing between us and I was simply seeing things that weren't there. I just didn't realize it wouldn't take you much to move on."

James brushed his hand against Thomas's shoulder, but he only shook it off. "You were the first thing I got to choose for myself, you know that? Everything else has been decided for me since I was born. So I'm sorry if I saw a future where there wasn't one."

"What future? You're dying anyway," I snapped. I hated how harsh they were. I hated the way he leaned back, his face going blank. I hated the way he blocked himself off, refusing any emotion to poke through.

Thomas stared at me. Then, he slowly rose to his feet and left the carriage.

"Thomas!" James cried, shooting me a glare that could cut through stone before running out to follow him. "Thomas, wait!"

"You're an idiot, Alexander," Eliza muttered underneath her breath as she turned to the window.