I never realized how alone I was until I barely spoke to him anymore. The only chances I got to even catch his eye was whenever we passed each other in the hallways.

What did I do wrong?

It was a question I often asked myself as the light dwindled from outside and I was left staring up at the ceiling. There wasn't really such a thing as darkness anymore, but I did realize how big my bed actually was.

It's going to be fine, I told myself, again and again. Maybe if I believe it, then it'll come true.

I held up the knife in my left hand and let it hover over my right. "Ready?" I asked James, mostly because I definitely wasn't. He nodded, and I let out a breath of air. I let the knife dig into my wrist without pause, because I knew if I paused or waited any longer, I wouldn't be able to go through with it. I gasped at the sudden burning that the steel knife induced.

James winced, but he didn't say anything as he stepped up to where I was sitting and sprinkled a handful of the golden dust into my blood. "Can I—?"

"Just wait."

Strangely, it didn't hurt. It tingled a bit, but it didn't hurt. I watched as the dust slowly sunk into the cut and into my bloodstream, turning the red that had already spilled gold. The cut healed itself, and I let out a breath of air I didn't know I was holding.

"How long did that take?"

"Four seconds."

I nodded and ran my other hand over where the cut was seconds before. There was nothing to indicate a wound. No scar, no faded white line. Nothing.

"Alright," I said. "You can put the cuff on in three, two..." I took a deep breath to steady myself. "One."

James wrapped the clamp around my arm, and my control of energy faded away. I swallowed as his hands left my arm, taking all energy with them.

It was instantaneous. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, I lost all bearings of my surroundings. And just like that, I was drowning. Falling. A scream, possibly my own. I reached out an arm and Something was there. I held onto it as light flooded my vision.

I panted to catch my breath and opened my eyes.

"It didn't work," James said, his head lowered as he removed the cuff from around my arm. It hadn't escaped my notice that the inside of it was padded, so my skin wasn't pressed against the steel. "It didn't work, Thomas. It just didn't work."

He was right, and in fact, things were so much worse now. I had no respite between losing the energy and the poison taking control any more. "Well. Let's try again." I readjusted myself. "Maybe we just need to wait until it fully dissolves in my bloodstream."

"Thomas, we can't. The poison is incurable for a reason."

"We have to try," I begged, surprising myself. I guess all of my hopes were pinned on this, and if it didn't work, what did I have left? "James, please?" Maybe if I could fix myself, then Alexander will want me again.

"Thomas, no." He took the knife away from me.

"Give it to me."

"No."

"James, that's an order."

The words flew from my mouth before I could stop them, leaving James staring at me in disbelief. His mouth fell open, but his hand shakily handed me the knife, and no matter how hard he tried to fight against it, he couldn't.

"No, wait," I said, and his hand fell to his side again. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—That was an accident."

James sighed and stood up. "I've got to go. Why don't you—"

"No, please don't leave."

"Thomas," he said, and I fell silent. "You have to get over this. It didn't work. We'll find the next thing. Relax. We'll find something that'll work, okay? I have things I need to take care of."

I could see through his thinly veiled excuse. They all treat me like a child nobody wants to take care of. An unwanted nuisance. Even James.

"I'll see you later, okay?"

"Alright." I didn't argue with him as he left, closing the door softly behind him. I couldn't argue with him. And now, I was alone again.

I stepped out the balcony door and leaned against the railing. I should have felt something, anything, but there was just a... a gaping hole inside of me. Emptiness.

"What am I even doing here?" I mumbled underneath my breath as I buried my face in my hands. What did I do wrong? I could leave. I should leave. What's stopping me from leaving?

I watched as the sun fell down the side of the sky. I liked watching sunsets before, but they're not as beautiful as everyone makes them out to be. The sun goes down, it comes back up. It doesn't mean anything. It isn't special. It isn't important.

I knew I should head downstairs and get dinner, but I didn't know if I could put up with them right now. I wasn't that hungry, anyway. But staying up here by myself would just make things worse, wouldn't it?

After arguing over it with myself for about five minutes, which is five minutes too long, I wiped my sleeve across my face, checked myself in the mirror, and finally went downstairs, where everyone was already eating.

I stood in the doorway, watching them. Aaron looked up at me and nodded to my seat. Not a smile, but I didn't expect one from him. It would have been worse if he did. I rolled my eyes at him in return, which was just our way of silent communication, and fell into my chair.

"Hello, Thomas," greeted Washington as I sat down. "How are you doing?"

"Good." It was a lie. How could I be anything but not good? I wonder if he believed me or if he accepted the fact that I was lying to him but didn't want to press forward. Because it's much simpler to accept a 'good' than try and push someone to tell you something you don't want to hear and they don't want to tell you. "I haven't been down here all day. How are you?"

"I'm alright." Washington paused for a second, staring at the table before flicking his eyes back up at me. "Just out of curiosity, have you heard anything from the King?"

"Me? No." Of course, besides the constant murmuring of his voice inside my head whenever I was alone. Distant, but not too distant to where I can't hear exactly what he's saying. "Sorry."

"It's alright," he said with a sigh. "You should eat."

I glanced down at my empty plate, and then back up at the food resting just in front of me. "I'm not hungry."

"You didn't eat all day."

I shrugged. "Strange, right? Must have to do with... my condition."

He cocked an eyebrow at me, but he knew exactly what I was going to say. Perhaps it was just better to go unsaid. "You should at least try."

I shook my head. "Not hungry."

"One slice."

"Fine. If it'll make you shut up," I hissed, then cringed as I realized what I had just said and the face he responded with. "I'm sorry. That was rude. I didn't mean it." I certainly wasn't doing myself any favors, was I?

Washington watched with what I assumed was satisfaction as I piled a slice of meat on my plate and poured myself some water. He didn't look away until I had taken a bite of the food.

I couldn't help it and caught the sight of Alexander out of the corner of my eye. I turned to watch him, but he was already talking to Eliza. Laughing at something she had said.

It was stupid. I was stupid. But my gaze dropped to my plate when I saw the look they shared with each other. It wasn't the same look he used to share with me, was it? I gripped my fork so tightly that my fingernails created marks in my skin. Thankfully, the forks weren't steel.

Divinity, was I really that disposable to him?

It's going to be fine, I reminded myself again, still staring at my plate as I drew in a deep breath and relaxed my muscles. It's going to be fine.

You know when you repeat the same thing over and over and the words start to sound funny?

I spent most of dinner staring at my plate, talking to nobody. I found that if I drank from my water every thirty seconds exactly, people wouldn't ask too many questions.

My stomach hurt.

I only realized it seconds before I had to clasp my hands in front of my mouth. I waited for the feeling to pass, but it never did.

Shit shit shit shit shit.

"I'll be right back," I managed to say before rising to my feet and leaving the room as calmly as I possibly could.

~•~

I sat against the wall, gasping for breath. I paid no mind to my burning throat; I couldn't afford to. The only thing I could focus on was keeping myself together long enough so I wouldn't cry. I couldn't cry. But damn, I wanted to. I risked a look down at the bucket next to me and cringed at what I saw. I'll spare you the grizzly details, but I'll let you know that it wasn't good.

I sat there for the longest time, seconds ticking by like hours, but nothing else came up. My legs were shaking as I finally found the courage to rise to my feet and head back down the hall. I'd honestly be surprised if they noticed I wasn't there.

How could I face them, knowing what bad just happened? What if I let something show? Something I swore they'd never have to see?

I slid my hand against the wall to keep myself upright as I walked through the hallway, back to where everyone else was waiting. I stopped in the doorway and found Aaron, who was sitting on the couch.

Divinity, I hate the taste of iron.

I unsteadily picked my way over to Aaron. "Can I talk to you for a second? Alone?" I mumbled underneath my breath, just loud enough for him to pick it out of the noise of everyone else in the room.

"Hey, there you are. Where'd you go?" he asked, and I inhaled deeply to keep myself calm.

"I'll tell you in a second, come on." It took everything I had to keep my voice steady.

"What do you need to talk about?" he asked, rising to his feet.

"I'll tell you in a second," I repeated.

"Thomas, there you are," called Washington from across the room.

I winced and turned to face him. "Hi. I'm here."

"Where are you going?"

I kept my back as straight as I could, but I knew that my display of 'strength' wasn't as convincing as I had hoped. "Nowhere important. Just to talk to Aaron."

"No," said Alexander. He didn't rise, he didn't raise his head in defiance, but the single syllable cut through the air.

"This doesn't concern you," I returned, giving him only a glance.

"Actually, it does. Whatever you can say to Aaron, you can say to all of us."

It was the most he's said to me in... two weeks?

"You don't get to pick and choose when you care about me, Alexander," I snapped. It felt good, but I inwardly cursed myself for not being able to keep calm. "And it doesn't matter, okay? I'm fine."

"When are you going to trust us, huh?" he accused. "When are you going to finally decide that you can talk to us about the things that bother you?"

"I don't know. Maybe when you start actually caring about me?"

"Okay, Thomas," Aaron said. He grabbed my arm, but I shook him off.

"Don't care about you?" Alexander repeated, crossing his arms and leaning against the back of the couch.

That's when I just... snapped. It felt so good to get it all off my chest, and in the moment, I didn't care who I hurt. "Fine. You all want to know so badly? Fine!" I grinned, unable to force it back. "I was going to ask Aaron if his wife's blood ever turned black. Oh! And the only reason I know my blood is black is because I just spent close to fifteen minutes vomiting it up."

Silence met my words, as it always fucking does.

"So yeah," I finished. "Happy?"

"You're... vomiting blood?" asked Angelica, standing up.

"Congratulations! Want a prize for being the world's dumbest parrot?"

"Thomas. Whatever this is, you need to stop."

"Stop what?" I demanded. "Feelings things? I wish I could! Then I wouldn't be so fucking terrified all the time! I'm upset, okay? I'm upset, and angry, and scared. Scared because I know I'm going to have to choose between dying alone without a single person beside me, or hurting one of you. And you guys certainly aren't making this any easier!" I closed my eyes to stop the tears fighting to break through. "Did anyone notice I was gone? And if nobody did, will anyone notice when I am gone? Permanently?"

I ran my hand through my hair and let out a breath as the silence fell, fast and heavy. "You know what?" I asked. "Forget it." I turned and left them, back to my room, back to being alone.

It's going to be fine, I told myself. I had to believe it. Because if I believe it, they'll believe it, and it's going to come true.

How can it possibly be fine?