One thing was for sure, I did not fit in with the rest of the guests in attendance at the ball. The Avion didn't trust me, and that was made pretty obvious the second I stepped into the room and was treated with looks of shock, followed by them trying to get out of my way as soon as possible. I didn't care enough to try and talk to any of them, so instead, I found Eliza and stuck close to her most of the night.

"You're not wearing a dress," I commented. I wasn't upset or anything about it, just the long, flowing, blue overcoat took me by surprise.

Eliza blinked. "A what?"

"Never mind. What are we supposed to do?"

"Well, we can dance if you want."

"That's the last thing I want. I'm not very good at dancing."

She grinned at me and nodded in affirmation. "No. You always were pretty bad. I'm glad that much didn't change."

I rolled my eyes and surveyed the crowd. I'm not sure if the room qualified as a ballroom or not, but it certainly fit quite a large number of people, some of which weren't completely Avion. It was simple despite its size, but frankly, I didn't mind. "Certainly huge," I commented to Eliza, feeling a little awkward just standing next to her.

"Yeah. Just like I remember it though."

"You've been here before?" I exclaimed, turning to her in surprise.

She shrugged. "Only twice before, and I was pretty young. Balls were rarely held in Avionerra. They really do like to keep the location of the Capitol secret, and I guess for good reason."

"You've been to a ball? This is a first for me."

"Many," she corrected. "I've been to many balls. They have them every once in a while."

"I don't mean to be rude or anything, but why would you be going to a ball hosted by the Avion? You're not an Avion, are you?"

Eliza laughed. "Divinity, no. Could you imagine me with wings? I hate heights." Then she frowned, and regarded me with surprise. "Right, I guess you wouldn't exactly know. My uncle is the lord of Trillison."

"Fuck. That's the most Northern region, right? The really cold one?"

"Is that all we're known for?" she teased, nodding.

"Is everyone I know secretly royalty? Why don't people like... tell me these things?"

"Well, Lafayette's a nobleman in Aspisena, though I forget exactly what his title is. I'm sorry. I thought you already knew. I guess you could say my reputation precedes me everywhere I go."

Despite the stares I felt on the back of my head and the whispered warnings I heard whenever a group of Avion passed me, a bit of tension in my shoulders released, and I couldn't help myself from indulging in a small laugh. It was short-lived, but it felt good.

"How long do you think we have to stay here? I support Thomas and I'm happy he's back in his home," Eliza began, "But I have never been a fan of heights."

I shook my head in agreement. "Philip's enjoying himself though." It was the wrong thing to say.

Eliza glanced elsewhere, folding in on herself. I mumbled an apology, one which she quickly dismissed, and let my eyes trail across the ballroom until I found Philip standing next to a pillar, talking to somebody I didn't recognize. "I'm sorry," she said. "I just... I hate having to watch him grow up without any parents."

"Why don't we tell him?"

"We can't, Alexander."

"Why not?" I demanded, and she turned away from me.

"It's better for us all this way. We couldn't handle a child before, and we can't handle him now."

"We were scared," I said, my voice dropping down a level. "We don't have to be. He deserves to know, Eliza. I know what it's like to grow up as an orphan, okay?"

Eliza opened her mouth to argue, but she paused mid-word. "How?"

"What? What do you mean?"

"How do you know what it's like to grow up as an orphan?"

I opened my mouth to answer her, only to find that nothing came to my mind. I fumbled for words, but she was right. I had no idea how I knew. The false memories that had been implanted into me never went too far into my past, and I never questioned it before, but now that I was thinking about it, I didn't remember anything about being an orphan. "I don't know," I answered truthfully.

Eliza went rigid, eyes wide. Then she smiled at me. "Alex, I think you remembered something. Something had to have just slipped through."

"You think?"

"What other explanation is there?"

A rush of excitement overwhelmed me, and I took a step closer to her. I was just about to ask her if we could pursue this, chase this opportunity down and try to see what else there was hidden away, when a sudden loud voice boomed over the ballroom, causing a hush to fall over the Avion.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I know have the honor of welcoming Lord Thomas Jefferson."

He stepped into the room, his head held high, and although he kept his posture perfect and hands tucked behind his back, I could see the faint trace of fear, or at the very least, apprehension, behind his otherwise strict stare.

Eliza waved to him, beckoning him over. He smiled softly and shrugged, as if saying he couldn't hang out with us. He glided across the room to what appeared to be an empty throne, and sat down next to his mother and some girls who must have been his sisters.

Eliza's hand dropped to her side and she let out a soft hum of disapproval. "Looks graceful, doesn't he? Kinda unnatural."

"Yeah," I returned, not taking my eyes off of him. He looked so... uncomfortable, but he sat there obediently as a woman walked up to him. It seemed that she would be the first of many to pester him, not allowing him a chance of respite the entire evening.

Eliza was still talking, but I was barely listening to her, lost in my own thoughts as Thomas gave the stranger a smile and a laugh that were so obviously fake if you knew him at all. "And then we'll jump off of the castle's roof, leaving a wake of flames in our path," Eliza said.

"Yeah."

"And you're not even listening to me. What's going on?"

I sighed and tore my eyes away from him. "Sorry. What were you saying again?"

Eliza raised an eyebrow at me, not impressed in the slightest. "What's going on, Alexander?" she repeated carefully.

I hated that question. I hated it because it implied that something was wrong, something that I couldn't fix on my own. I didn't need her help, I didn't need anybody's help. But, damn, I wanted it.

"I don't know." I blinked a few times, trying to dispel the gathering of tears. "I'm sorry. You're right. You've been right since day one. I miss him so much."

Eliza rolled her eyes, grabbed my arm, and dragged me away into a silent, uninhabited corner of the ballroom. She handed me a handkerchief and glanced over my shoulder. "Of course you miss him, Alexander. It's so obvious. What's going on with you? Why won't you speak to him?"

"I can't just talk to him, not after what I did. You think he's going to want to take me back so readily? I... I hurt him Eliza." Even with the heaviness of the words, I felt a weight disappear from my shoulders. It was nice having somebody to talk to through all of this. "He hates me."

"Did he say that?"

"No, but I know he's thinking that."

She tilted her head, puzzling over what I had just said. "I don't think that's how it works. And I don't think he hates you, Alexander. Go talk to him."

"He's busy." I nodded to where he was sitting, conversing with another Avion. He seemed to be in an impenetrable bubble, and I was just too far away. I felt like an outsider. "And it doesn't matter anyway. Look, Eliza. I'm afraid."

"Afraid?"

"I'm afraid of him, alright?" I couldn't look at her as the words hung heavy in the air. "What if something horrible happens? What if he changes and kills us all?" What if he dies, and I lose him? It was the only question I couldn't bring myself to say out loud. I couldn't allow myself to indulge in the horrible possibilities it brought up. "Please don't worry about it, okay?"

Eliza was quiet for a while. "You have to talk to him. Whether it's today or tomorrow, you have to talk to him."

"Why? I don't have a chance with him anymore." I swallowed. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't be bothering you. I'll just—"

Eliza grabbed onto my arm, preventing me from leaving. "Alexander, stop being an idiot."

"That'll be hard," I mumbled underneath my breath, and she smiled at the comment. "I'm sorry. I don't know. I just don't know what I should say to him."

"Stop apologizing. Now. And first, you should go over to him. I'll be with Philip if you need me." She pushed me forwards.

"Wait, you're not coming with me?" Panic raced through my body.

"You're an adult, Alexander. I think you can take care of it yourself." She continued to push me towards Thomas, before turning and walking away.

I watched Thomas warily, looking for a chance to approach, but the wall around him was increasing slowly. I glanced back to where Eliza was, but she had disappeared. Swallowing back any hesitation I had, I pushed forwards. Every step I took closer to him did nothing but strengthen my courage.

And a hand wrapped around my arm, pulling me back. "He's busy," James said coldly. "And he doesn't need to put up with you right now."

"I was going to apologize."

"Great. You can do it after the ball."

"I need to talk to him."

"Something tells me you'll live."

"I need to talk to him now."

"Alexander, look," James said, letting go and spinning to face me. "I'm sure you feel bad for whatever idiotic thing you've done now, but this goes beyond us. Thomas has a certain way he's supposed to act and a certain set of things he's supposed to say, and for some reason, whenever you're around, he fucking throws all of that to the wind. So maybe, for just five minutes, you'll leave him alone."

"James, please. I really do need to talk to him." I couldn't put what I felt into words, so as lame as an excuse as it was, it was the only thing it could fall upon.

James didn't flinch away, and I felt myself go numb as I realized there was no way he would ever let me go to Thomas. Not tonight. "Well, who is talking to that's so important, and when will he be done?"

"Oh, some vassal or another. You know what a vassal is, right?"

"Yes," I lied. "Absolutely."

"A lesser lord," he explained. "Someone who has some power within Avionerra, but are still looking for more."

"Are they all vassals?" I asked, eyeing the people just waiting around him. Like dogs waiting around the table for scraps, I thought with a disgust I didn't understand. "That seems like a lot."

"No, of course they aren't all vassals. Don't be stupid." His patience with me wasn't exactly at its full capacity. "Why?"

"Well, what are they doing talking to Thomas if they want more power?"

"They're suitors, Alexander." He said it as if I should have already known that. I didn't already know that, and somehow my night just got worse.

Something sick swelled up inside of me as I swung around to watch Thomas talking to the newest Avion standing in front of him. "Suitors?"

"They're people who are trying to win—"

"I know what a suitor is," I snapped, running my hand through my hair. "Fuck, James. Why is he talking to them?"

"He's going to have to marry one of them eventually."

"Wait, what? Marry? Why? Why does that have to be a thing?"

"He has responsibilities, Alexander."

"He doesn't have to have responsibilities. We don't even know if he's a lord yet!"

"Well, one, his chances are very high. The older children are more likely to become lords. Two, even if he doesn't become one, he still has to honor family tradition. And why do you care? I thought you were done with him. So what if he gets married?"

I stared at the marble floor, my heart beating loudly as the accusation hang heavy in the still air of the ballroom. I could barely hear myself think over the chatter, but it didn't really matter anyway as I stood there silently, James staring at me and waiting for a response.

"Look at Thomas and tell me you think he's comfortable right now. I don't care if you don't think we're right together. I don't even care if you don't like me that much, but look at him. Can you manage to find a way for him to take a break, even for five minutes?"

James sighed. "I'll see what I can do. Don't move." The order was so strict that I wouldn't disobey it even if I wanted to. He joined Thomas and stood next to his throne, breaking into the conversation he was having with the persistent vassal. James mumbled something into Thomas's ear, and he jumped to his feet, thanked the vassal with a nod, and followed James as he grabbed his arm and led him back over to where I was standing.

James stopped in front of me and gave me a certain look. "Five minutes. Pretend that whatever you have to say is important. I'll be over there if you need me." He walked away, leaving the two of us alone.

Well, this isn't exactly what I had I had in mind.

"Hi," Thomas said awkwardly, shifting his weight.

"Hi."

"Enjoying yourself?"

"Uh, yeah. Apart from literally everyone here seeming to hate me. A heads up about that would have been great, just so you know."

Thomas shrugged. "Sorry. I should have told you, but I guess it just slipped my mind. Anyway, James said you wanted to talk to me?"

"Not really. I just wanted to get you away from whoever you were talking to. He seemed sort of..."

"Creepy?" Thomas said, almost with a laugh. "Yeah. But you get used to it I guess."

"That sounds like it sucks."

"It does," he said with a nod. "Uh, thank you."

"Any time." I let out a snort of disgust and grabbed Thomas by the arm, dragging him through the crowd. "He's still staring at you."

"Alexander, really, it isn't that big a deal," he said, but I of course ignored him. We ended up in the same corner I had been with Eliza only a few minutes before.

Thomas was half smiling. My heart jumped at it, shortly before remembering that it wasn't meant for me anymore. "So, suitors, huh?"

"Oh. Yeah." Although he didn't sound crestfallen, the slump of his shoulders, how quickly he closed himself off, betrayed him.

"Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Hide how you feel?"

"Oh. I guess it's just easier."

There was so much I wanted to say to him, so much I wanted to show, and I had no doubt that he felt the same way. Something lingered between us, something begging for one of us to just finally reach out and grasp. My throat burned with the frustration and heartache and anger but I couldn't reach out and touch him couldn't hold his hand couldn't tell him how I felt couldn't couldn't couldn't. He was so angry at me I know he was and I couldn't do anything I couldn't say anything I just had to sit and watch him slip away from me and it was all my fault and I was losing him and I don't want to lose him I just want him by my side and I just—

"Alexander?"

"Yeah?"

"If I become lord..." he began.

I'm going to have to stay here. We won't be together anymore. I won't ever see you again.

"I'll have to do a performance. Kinda like a display of power."

"Yeah?"

"Well... I have a few ideas, but I need your opinion on something."

"Okay, well, I'd be happy to help."

He played with his hands before spitting it out, so garbled it took me a second to process what he had said. "Do you think I should do something with music?"

"Uh, what?"

He smiled rather sheepishly and it felt so good to see his pretty smile. "Uh, without giving away too much—because it's supposed to be a surprise, you know?—do you think I should do something with music?"

"Uh, obviously. That'd be like Van Gogh deciding not to paint the Mona Lisa."

"Alexander, Da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa." he asked, and my heart skipped a beat as I realized he was teasing me again. "Okay, fair enough. But are you in the mood for it?"

"Uh, good question. Well, I hate being sad. So nothing sad. Oh! You should do a Disney song."

"Disney's still sad."

"Yeah, it has some happy bits, though. Just do something happy."

"Fine. Music it is."

"Are you going to do a full musical? I don't know how you would, but if anybody could manage to pull it off, it would be you."

"I guess you're just going to have to wait and see," he said, grinning. It was impossible not to share it, no matter how horrible I felt inside. "I have to go, Alexander. But I'll see you later, okay? Enjoy the rest of the ball."

He brushed past me, his arm hitting against mine in a way that couldn't be unintentional.

I basked in the lingering feeling of his touch for a second or two, remembering just how wonderful it felt to be warm.