'Where the willingness is great, the difficulties cannot be great'

Erwin Smith's Castle,

24th December, 1004 CE

Erwin strode through the castle purposefully, taking note of each and every servant whose preparations were all going into the celebration of Christmas that he would be hosting the next day. Although Erwin had begun with much of the work to himself, over time, he found himself with a lack of anything to do but send of his correspondence as every person in Britain paused their political games for the celebration of Jesus' birth.

Erwin found himself bored by the meaning of it all. God, as said before, was a vague figure to Erwin. Although the deity could most certainly be real, it was equally likely that he was not and with the odds in neither favour, Erwin took the logical route and accepted that both were facts in their own right.

'Mina, please move the tree to the ballroom!' Erwin called out, spotting the small, black-haired girl looking lost in the corner.

'Of course.' She bowed her head and hurried off to collect some others to help out and move the tree. Erwin felt it was too imposing in the corridor. It was a fair assumption to say that Erwin thought too much at all. It was likely that the tree was, in fact, not that imposing in the hallway but Erwin went with his gut instinct and once something was done, he tended to weigh the options and decide that it was best done another way.

He was not indecisive. No, it was something only slightly different. Choices were difficult for him, yes, yet he made them so quickly that some people were surprised at his decisiveness. He only ever changed his mind when it was easy to do so and his mind was running no a far higher level than where a Christmas tree should go or why the decorations should hang slightly lower.

Erwin was a soldier, not a host but for tonight, he would have to act like one. If only for his father's plea that he would get a wife and although not much applies after one has died, Erwin would at least like to say that he did that. His father was worthy of having one last thing.

As he made his way back to his office, he sighed, glad that he was removing himself from the preparation. It was true what people said: Erwin Smith's mind was never at rest. But, he could at least try.

Scanning over the list of those he had invited, the ones who were attending another's party crossed out with a thin line, he found a fatal flaw in his list. He looked up and out of the window that his desk stood in front of. It looked over the gardens of the castle, well-kept but wild due to the increased amount of snowfall as of late and an inability for it to be kept. It calmed Erwin to see the slightly frost layering the thin strands of green and hoped that it would stay this way. Snow would cause plenty of trouble for the carriages on their way.

The white was familiar, he realised, wishing his thoughts away venomously. The snow that matched the skin of the man he had met over a month ago. Levi. Levi, oddly enough, was not on his list. He wasn't crossed out nor was he written. The space at the bottom of the page, where one more name could fit, was blank.

Erwin had decided against it. His father had wanted him to find a wife, not a husband. He wanted an heir, one that he could not supply with a husband. But Levi. Oh, Levi. He had fallen already, hadn't he? Finding a wife would be impossible when the only thing on his mind was another man.

'Thomas!' Erwin's voice boomed, hopefully flowing through the cracked walls of the castle stone. Within a minute, Thomas stood at the door, fear etched onto his face at being summoned. It was going to be hard for his messenger to make it through the conditions but Erwin was not changing his mind now. It was set.

'Thomas, take a message to Levi's castle: he is invited to the Christmas celebration Erwin Smith is holding. Apologise for the late invite but he would be very much welcomed.' Thomas nodded before a sour look masked his face.

'Levi who?'

'Just Levi.' That seemed to be enough as Thomas fled the room with the message on his mind and readied his horses to set out.

Erwin let out a sigh, whether in relief or worry, he wasn't sure. He could have just made the best or the worst decision of his life. Surely it would at least make Marie happy that Levi was coming but then again, being on Marie's good side did nothing but protect him from Nile's wrath and keep him in good terms with the king. She was already too close to Nile to become Erwin's wife.

That cut most options out. Levi was by far the most prominent partner at hand and was clearly in no one else's sights. But, the promise to his father meant a lot to him. Surely, the words wife were not discriminatory. He never said he wanted an heir, even if it was implied. Erwin was notorious for finding loopholes but this time, he felt like he was cheating. His father was not expecting his strategic son to make his way out of this, this was a father's wish for his son.

But, Levi. Levi: beautiful, lithe, graceful, albeit a bit crude. He was what no wife could be too, a soldier. Strong, brave, courageous. Any woman that was to marry him would be chained to their home once they had children and Erwin was unsure of whether he could do that.

Almost everything he did was for his country, for war and to hold back even a single soldier was enough to kill more than one. Erwin was a war strategist, not a father. He didn't think he could ever be a father. With Levi, he didn't have to be (and it was almost definite that Levi did not want to be a father).

Erwin stared once again out of the window, watching as Thomas raced away on his horse, the hooves leaving small tracks of green behind them.

He couldn't even be sure that Levi would come. It was unlikely that Levi went to any celebration without the King's pressure. But, Erwin had invited him and maybe that was enough? Or maybe Erwin was getting ahead of himself. Yes, he and Levi had had a good time at Nile's birthday celebration but that did not mean they were close and in all honesty, the night had not ended well.

Erwin couldn't sit and do nothing any longer, he only had a few hours left of the day and he didn't want to let it dwindle away.

Finding the armoury, Erwin changed, the heavy silver plating comfortingly familiar. Grabbing his training sword, he moved to the next room where dummies were laid out for training. Once Erwin had his own personal squad, he would most likely train them here but for now, it was his and his alone. Few servants had the nerve to train under such a prolific soldier.

Weighing the sword in his hand, Erwin moved into position- something that he would never be able to do on the battlefield but it at least gave him more confidence in the privacy of training. Lifting it up, he threw it at the dummy, surprised to see the body split in half easily, the straw it was stuffed with spilling easily from the bottom half of the mannequin.

Erwin groaned, scanning over the scattered straw and took a step back, sheathing the sword and taking place on the bench in the corner. He hadn't realised how much this was affecting him. He pushed his emotions out too far; he couldn't even see them anymore. Taking off his sword belt, he placed it by the wall and lay down to work out in a simpler way, one that wouldn't make a need for him to contact the local armoury for more supplies.

He began with a routine, something to take his mind off of his reeling thoughts. Routine always did him good. He thought so much, planned so far ahead that he could no longer feel safe in what most people deemed as normal. There were very few routines he felt safe falling into.

Sit-ups, press-ups, sit-ups again, squats, press-ups. Repeat. Again. Repeat until your muscles are too fatigued to move and your whole body burns. Erwin paused, gasping for a breath he didn't know he'd wanted and let his body accept the pain. Lying on the floor, face up, watching the ceiling darken as the sunlight diminished, leaving the balmy glow of the torches.

Erwin had to accept it, he was falling for Levi. Maybe he already had, even if that was too big a step for his mind to take. But he had. It was infuriating him- he couldn't control love. A wife, he still had control of that, as was society's norm. But, a husband and one that he was in love with? That put him in the worst strategic position possible.

He cursed himself for his thoughts. Always strategy, always what was best, never what would make him happy. He was a soldier, not a human. He was a machine that could kill and be killed with no regrets- except every regret. He refused to feel it but he knew it was there, creeping over him slowly until he became crippled, sickened by the guilt of his actions.

Sleep. Erwin needed sleep. Picking himself up off the floor and dusting the mud off his armoured back, he put away everything he had taken out and paced to his room. Each footstep caused tremors through his body and he wondered if he was already a crippled man. He had felt little else in his life, after all. He grew up without a mother and aged to see his father die. Without siblings, without family, he was a miserable orphan with too big a mind to contain. He wasn't so far from becoming his father and murdered for heresy.

His bed gave him no comfort either, only nightmares. Sleep hadn't been with him for years but no matter what plagued it, he'd never woken up sweating, a scream barely from his mouth. He didn't remember his nightmare, didn't remember what it could be about.

And why now?

The situation with Levi had annoyed him, that much was true. But nothing of the situation should have been enough to wake him in the middle of the night, the moonlight spilling onto his skin like a beacon directing his pursuers.

Something else had happened, something bad, something that his mind was so desperate to remind him of but could never seem to show him outside of the blankness of sleep. Erwin groaned, rubbing the heel of his palms into his eyes and throwing his legs over the side of the bed. His feet were numb to the cold, stone floor as he stood up and stumbled in the darkness towards his desk.

The window behind his desk was his only window, large and omniscient but nonetheless restricting. He had a view of only one side of the castle and even then, he could barely see more than a corner. Paranoia embraced him like a lover and rocked his mind back and forth. Erwin was still in the remains of delirium, woken from far too deep a sleep, but his mind didn't stop whirring. He could feel the nails of Paranoia dig into his skin, drawing blood.

An assassination, he was sure of it. That's what this was, this feeling that hammered his heart and crushed his brain. Paranoia nodded, smiling, it's black eyes lighting up like it was their birthday. An assassination, it whispered to him, they're coming for you.

With sudden urgency, he locked all the doors and barred them with the only chair in the room, a rickety wooden thing that was most likely not going to hold against someone's weight. He could only hope.

Paranoia ran after him, rushing as fast as him, copying him, mimicking him. It looked so much like him, a shadow of him, its shape so similar but its features so indiscernible that Erwin could say nothing.

You let the guilt in, it whispered to him as if it was sharing something that Erwin did not already know. He knew, he denied it but he knew. This was the guilt. It made shapes that weren't real and called to him like a friend whispering in his ear. He wanted to believe it, believe it all. It was all his fault. Each and every death was on him.

He pushed it out. He rebuilt that wall and killed the ghosts inside it and let the titanic thoughts claw at its outside. He did it all with a sigh. Paranoia drifted away, disappointed and left Erwin to himself, isolated and alone.

He tried to sleep again but he could feel the blankets suffocating him and the pillow crushing his skull. He looked back out the window, the view from his bed nothing more than the moon in the sky.

Tomorrow would be better. Levi would be there. Levi could help him. Why he thought that was something he could not figure out but he felt safe with Levi. When he was with Levi, a smile graced his lips when nothing else would. Levi was the beacon that led him. Sleep didn't come until the sun rose and there was a knock at his door. He mustn't have slept more than a few minutes.

That was okay. Levi was coming today. Or, at least, Erwin hoped he would.

-

Erwin stalked around the castle, acting his part. The black under his eyes was evident of the tortured night but nothing else remained. His shadow trailed behind him, sulking and low and he held his head high and proud- enough so that no one would ask questions.

Those who had travelled the furthest had arrived and had been shown to their rooms where they would stay before leaving again. The journey was too long to make on a snowy night. Erwin had introduced himself delightfully to them all, jovial and charming as always. No one saw behind his exhausted mask. His smile fell as quickly as the door shut behind them and the couples took their rooms.

The party would begin in an hour and already the music was set up and the food was waiting in the kitchen to be served later on. Erwin had spent so much of his money on this and he would not let it go to waste.

Finding himself in the entrance hall again, having walked in a full circle, he waited against the wall for the next guest, letting his head fall tiredly to his shoulder- his first sign of weakness all day. He wasn't sure how he was meant to host a party in this state but he would do as was necessary. He was a soldier, for god's sake, he should be used to sleepless nights. But what had happened last night was not sleepless, it was torture.

The door opened gently as Erwin snapped his head open and stood tall, presenting himself as he should have done, the effort going into it not worth the rest he had just taken. 'Smith, I'm so happy to see you! It's been too long!' Marie stepped through, her dark hair falling behind her.

She remained a cordial distance away but looked as if she was bursting to throw her arms around him. Nile, on the other hand, looked far from pleased. Erwin was surprised they had come at all. Although the King did not have his own celebration, which most would turn up to, there were much higher ranking nobles out there that Nile would do best to show himself at.

'It's a pleasure to see you too, Marie.' Erwin smiled, the gentle pull of his lips feeling more natural than it had all day- even if it still caused a dull ache in his chest. 'And you, Nile.' Erwin turned, happy to have the upper hand over the man and look far more composed. For a prince, Nile certainly lacked the charm that Erwin obtained.

'As your host, I'm sorry to say that the ballroom is not quite ready but I'd be happy to take you to the parlour for some drinks.' Both nodded, one far more jovially than the other and followed Erwin down the winding corridors to the parlour.

The room was large and ornate, the classical design creating an illusion that the castle was much older than it truly was. The golden trimming and white walls reflected something of Greek culture whilst the colourful paintings and bright rugs were more standard of contemporary design. Erwin prided himself on the design; it was enough to make people awe whilst also making them comfortable and not foreign. He wondered only for a second what Levi would think of the room, quelling the thought faster than it had come with a sigh, striding purposefully to the small table where a tray lay, on top of it a selection of wine- from white to red and everything in between- that they had hidden away for a special occasion.

Picking the deepest red he could, something that would suit the wintery conditions, he poured three glasses and handed them around. 'So, how come you two made it in such quick time? I must say I thought the snow would delay many.' Erwin took a seat on the straw-filled seat, watching as Marie and Nile took a seat opposite.

'I had something to attend to that was delayed to a few days time; we ended up leaving far earlier than we had expected.' Marie smiled, the faint red of dye on her lips prominent.

'Well, I am glad, you're company is most delightful.'

'I never do seem to miss your charms, Smith.' Marie smiled wider and Nile scowled, his arms crossed tightly over his chest. Erwin toned it down from there and watched as Nile relaxed, started throwing suggestions into the conversation and the two-way conversation became three. It was what Erwin had devised all along. It was luring Nile into a sense of security that was by no means false. If Erwin was to be on good terms with Nile, he needed to prove that.

'How about we move to the ballroom? I'm sure the guests will begin to arrive soon.' After an array of nods, they all stood and let Erwin lead them back through the route they came by and to the largest room of the house: the ballroom.

'You outdid yourself, Erwin.' Nile complimented, looking around with hidden awe at the luscious and vibrant decorations that crowded the room. It was perfect. It came in plenty, enough to show off his wealth, whilst lacking the tacky aspect that so many fell into.

'Thank you.' Erwin hated this part of conversations. He was never one for showing off so receiving compliments was not his forte but rather giving them. But, even if his answer sounded a little stilted, it was still enough to make the giver feel good enough about themselves to fall further in favour with Erwin. All for politics, each little actions, each move was a game of chess and one wrong step and the whole game could fall into the others favour. It was just another reason that people called Erwin 'stoic' or 'heartless'. He had long since learnt to ignore that slurs but they still made him question his tactics. Not that he had ever changed them.

'I'll leave you to it. As the host, I should welcome myself to the rest of the guests.' Erwin gave a polite nod before withdrawing from the conversation and scanned the steadily filling room for any sign of the one person he was waiting to talk to. Nothing. Although Levi was small, Erwin was sure he could spot him in a crowd as empty as this.

With a sigh of disappointment, he found himself trapped in conversation with mind-dulling noblemen and under the charms of a few fateful women. None caught his interest, much to his chagrin. It would have been far easier if he could just fall for a woman and spite Levi from his mind.

That clearly was not going to happen.

The musicians finally began to play, the sound of the lute as familiar and lulling as ever. Couples flocked to the dance floor whilst Erwin sulked, albeit with an expression of absolute neutrality, by the wall. The shadow that appeared beside him was ignored at first; Erwin didn't have the energy to introduce himself again. If they spoke, he agreed to himself, he would keep up his usual act but for now, he could feign ignorance and pat his foot as he had been, pretending to enjoy the music that was failing to keep him awake. Last nights dreams were taking its toll and as the night drew on, he found himself thinking of little but sleep. People weren't doing him any favours, talk of money and power games of little interest. Erwin never let his guard down, though, he never misplaced his piece. Each action still held its power, even if it was done with far less energy than he could usually muster.

'Wow, Smith, I didn't think you would be so cold as to ignore me.' Erwin shot up, his slightly subdued stance replaced with one of overriding shock.

'Levi.' He paused, at a loss for words. 'You came.' The words sounded wrong on his tongue, too impulsive, a move that he hadn't thought through. A move that left him open to attack from the other side. But, Levi didn't take it. He placed his move, drawing back rather than forwards, saving Erwin from the pain of losing his first piece.

'Don't sound so shocked. Although, I am rather disappointed to say that my invitation came so late.' The devious smirk was enough to tell Erwin that Levi didn't care that much at all about the timing of his invitation but it did further Erwin's guilt- as well as regret. However he thought this reunion was going to go, it wasn't like this. Although, now, he couldn't remember how he'd wished it to go at all.

'I'm sorry for that.' Erwin apologised carefully, his tone on the verge of breaking- that solidarity that he usually carried himself with lost in the swell of emotions.

'What's got in your pants, Smith? You look scary.' Levi frowned, pushing out from his place in the shadows and right in front of Erwin, craning his neck a little to look up at him. Black hair fell away from his face and Erwin pitied those who didn't get to see Levi for who he really was. Beautiful.

'I'm fine.' Erwin lied, still recovering, his voice sturdier than before. 'Care to dance?' He asked, his mask finally falling back in place and that childish excitement buzzing in his stomach. Levi let out a soft breath and nodded, following Erwin to the dance floor and letting himself be lead through the moves.

The sense of deja vu washed over both of them, the dance a parallel to the one they had previously performed, their hands brushing but never touching, their feet moving as one and their eyes sneaking glances at the others like shy teenagers.

'I'm surprised you came on such notice.' The initial shock had worn off and Erwin found himself brimming with curiosity, his thick brows furrowing curiously.

'As am I.' Levi gave him no more of a reply. Erwin found himself desperate to push for an answer but in a vain attempt in keeping his composure, he focused on the dance, staring down at Levi openly, hoping that maybe his stare would be enough to spur on an answer.

'I'm bored. Show me something interesting.' Levi pulled away, his frail hands falling gently back to his side and his short legs falling back quickly as if, without an answer, he would flee. Never dulled by Levi's bluntness, Erwin smiled and gave Levi his hand- to which he denied- and led him, a little disappointed, further into the castle.

'What would you like to see, Levi?' Erwin asked when he found himself with no ideas and walking in an easy loop around the lower floor of the castle. Levi didn't say anything for a while, following Erwin faithfully until something sprung to mind.

'Take me outside.'

'But it's snow-' Erwin stopped himself before he could finish. If Levi wanted to go outside, he had an idea. With determined steps and a smile playing on his face, he led Levi to the best place he knew.

Up the winding stairs and across the ever-lengthening corridors, Erwin opened the door and allowed Levi in first. 'This isn't outside.' Levi said, his eyebrows furrowed.

'Patience.' Erwin chastised, his lips curving up further as he walked calmly to the other side of the room where, in a gap between bookcases, was a large oak door, thick and tall it blocked any view of what was on the outside but was magnificent enough in itself.

'I swear if this leads to some sort of...sex dungeon, I swear to god I'm going to-'

'Don't worry, Levi. I don't know whose been taking you to sex dungeons but I certainly won't.' Erwin chuckled and found the key on the table, pushing into the rusty lock that looked as if it hadn't been used in decades in spite of being used less than a week ago.

Pushing the door open with a flourish, Erwin let himself outside and held the door open for Levi. Although no words came from his mouth, Erwin could see the awe on his face. They were on a balcony, like you would find on most castles but it wasn't the balcony that made any lasting impression- the simple stone nothing noteworthy. But, there was something that made this Erwin's favourite place to think- and suddenly he found himself wishing he had come here last night, not that it would help him get any sleep- the view.

Where most parts of the castle didn't show much but plain fields with a few stray animals, the sight barely anything at all, this was different. The balcony was the only one on the rear side of the castle and with that came the magic. With stars bright in the sky, the floor almost matched it, a sea reflecting the sky. The town underneath lit up, flickering and twinkling flames looking ready to lick up the wooden huts but it never did. Alongside the light were shadows, creeping and spinning but magical in just the same weight- the darkness to balance out the light. It was like watching your own world from up in your high castle, a ruler in all their might. A king.

'Whoever your parents were they must have been rich as fuck.' Erwin was beginning to lessen his discomfort at hearing so many swear words, beginning to find it endearing but it still didn't help the pang in his heart at the thought of his parents.

'Wouldn't know. I've lived here most my life but not with my parents.' It was the easiest way to tell people what had happened. The word death was too heavy on his tongue to say aloud.

'Oh.' No condolences, just acknowledgement and something about that was nice- refreshing. He was glad, at first, to hear it, to know people cared but so many years on, it only made him feel worse.

'You've never told me where your castle resides, my messenger told me the place but I didn't recognise the name.' Erwin tried diverting the conversation, it was the easiest method of distraction.

'About an hour south of here. Haven't been there too long, unlike you. But I'm alone there too.' The easiest way to tell another that they were the same. It was the least direct Erwin had ever seen Levi, the melancholy on his face unexpected. But, it seemed very few people liked to speak of their lack of parents.

'You still have not told me your last name, you know.' The look of surprise on Levi's face was not what he was expecting. Was he supposed to know?

'No one's told you already?' Erwin wondered who would know, pausing. Oh, Marie. Of course, that would have been an easy solution.

'No. I wanted you to tell me.'

'Well, bad luck, because I won't.' Levi turned away from the view and looked at Erwin, the wickedness of his smirk displeasingly enchanting.

'Please?'

'You're charm's failing you, Smith.'

'So is yours...'

'That's not going to work.' They were closer than before.

'Tell me the first letter.'

'Nope.' How were they this close already?

'A clue?'

'Nah.' Their breath was mingling.

'Please?' Levi watched as Erwin said his final words and realised their proximity, the situation suddenly more terrifying than before. Thoughts flickered before him, cruel and punishing, so sudden that he wondered why they hadn't come before, why they couldn't have saved him before it was too late.

Their lips brushed.

'Erwin...' He took a step back. 'I can't.' With that he fled, leaving Erwin with a thousand words on his tongue.

word count: 4955

published: 19.12.17