Prologue

“Scalpel,” I slightly stretched my gloved palm. After receiving the scalpel, I eyed the patient’s chest, carefully locating the landmarks with the scalpel, perfectly executing an incision from top to bottom. 

I took the oscillating bone saw to divide the breast bone to get an access through the patient’s heart. As I kept doing my thing, blood suddenly gushed from the incision, making it hard for me to see the pericardium. Beads of sweat started forming on the side of my forehead and the nurse was quick to wipe it, it was gentle enough not to distract me. 

“Suction,” I told my assistant for this surgery, she gets the equipment that used to suck the blood to prevent it from coming on the surgeon’s way. 

When my way was cleared, I started opening the pericardium. The large aortic aneurysm in about 5.5 cm in size is what greeted us after successfully opening the pericardium. 

“Damn…” I murmured to myself.

I heard Dr. Velasco snickered beside me. “Yeah, damn…” He agreed. 

We used a tissue stabilization system to keep the heart still so we can work on opening the chambers of the heart so that we can get into the deceased valve and operate. We’re gonna do a maze procedure. Fuck! A procedure that is more complex and takes a lot of time… just like how I like my surgeries. 

‘Di ba? Ang tagal-tagal at ang mahal-mahal ng operasyon sa puso tapos papayag ka lang saktan ng isang maling tao? Napaka stupid. 

Mas gusto ko pang manatili sa loob ng OR kaysa sa labas. The adrenaline, the energy, and the tension invading me all at once is what I live for. 

Idagdag mo pa ang pagiging aware mo na may nanonood sa’yong iba pang mga surgeons sa may itaas. Some were interns and some were already residents. 

The ‘wow’ on the interns’ face never failed to fuel my ego. Pero syempre, hindi ko iyon ipapakita. Paano sila mai-intimidate sa akin kung gano’n, ‘di ba? 

When you’re on top, hindi ka dapat friendly because that will just make you an ordinary. Isa pa, people are just nice towards you dahil angat ka. But when you’re just a nobody, they will all treat you like a damn thin air. 

Ganyan kalupit at ka-hindi patas ang mundo. You can go put every inch of you heart and sacrifice all you have pero wala pa rin iyong kwenta kung wala kang substance. 

Naramdaman ko ang marahang pagpunas ng isang nurse sa gilid ng aking noo habang patuloy pa rin ako sa operasyon. 

Our patient right here has a condition called atrial fibrillation, it is when a heart beats irregularly, some patients may complain about feeling their heart skipping a beat and feeling it banging on their ribcage. So, if you often feel your heart doing skip beats, it’s not love! It’s AFib!

However, there are some factors that must be considered before confirming the certain condition. I just wanted to pull a bitter remark over there. 

So, what we’re gonna do is to create a scar tissue inside the heart to stop the abnormal circuits of electricity, causing the atrial fibrillation to stop as well. 

Napangisi ako sa loob-loob ko. There are some scars in the heart that can actually be beneficial for people, pero kapag paulit-ulit kang ginagago at mahal mo pa rin, hindi na beneficial iyon, kagagahan na ‘yon! 

“Cold laser,” they handed me the cold laser and inserted it inside the heart, glancing at the monitor to create a pattern of lines that will soon become scars. As I do the procedure, panay ang pamumuo ng pawis ko sa gilid ng aking noo at panay rin ang pagpunas sa akin ng isang nurse na hindi ko alam kung Mabel o Madel ang pangalan. 

After doing the patterns, we replaced the large aneurysm into a tube. We had to stitch and it was difficult to do it as blood pops out from the ventricle with every beat. That’s why in order for me to perform the precise sutures, we had to fibrillate the heart, making it stop from beating for a couple of minutes. 

“Use the fiballator now.” I ordered. 

This procedure was full of irony for we have to stop the heart from beating in order for it to survive. Being a surgeon takes a lot of courage, bravery, and guts. Inside the OR is like a battlefield of life versus death. 

The surgeons were the soldiers against the grim reaper. It’s a tough battle but the fulfillment in knowing that one life was saved again, giving that person another chance to hope and dream is something that will keep you going. 

“Needle,” I ordered. Iniabot nila sa akin ang needle na may sinulid na naka attach. I started suturing the tube into its right place, making sure I was fast yet precise. Hindi ako pwedeng maging lamya-lamya. 

Kapag ang puso ay tumigil sa pagtibok, walang dugong dadaloy sa utak at kapag lagpas apat na minuto ay wala pa ring dugong dumadaloy dito, doon na mag uumpisang ma-damage ito. 

So, in surgeries, every second counts. You can’t operate if you are not mentally ready and sober because your patient’s life will be at risk. And a person’s life is not something that you could turn off and then turn it on whenever you want to. That’s not how it works. 

After two solid minutes of sewing, I managed to suture and close the hole. 

“Defibrillator,” I asked and one of the team hands me the paddles. I positioned it closed to the heart. 

“Defibrillate,” I announced. Nothing happened. 

“More joules.” I said. “Defibrillate.” I once again announced. 

Tila ba nabunutan ako nang tinik nang muling bumalik sa pagtibok ang puso ng pasyente. 

“The valves are working normally, the leaking of the aorta has been resolved. Nice! Job well done!” Dr. Ferrer announced while eyeing the movement of the heart through the monitor. I can also see that the patient’s blood pressure was getting back to normal. 

I sighed in relief. “O-Kay, let’s now close up the chest.” 

--

“Good evening, doc!” Ramirez the resident greeted me quickly before taking frantic steps to follow Dr. Sison. I wasn’t even given a chance to greet him back dahil sa kakamadali nito.

“How could you fucking let your intern do that kind of procedure? Parang hindi ka dumaan sa pagiging intern, Ramirez!” I heard Dr. Sison quietly hissed through clenched teeth as they take their frantic steps.

Ang dalawang iyon ay napakadalas magsabong. Dr. Sison often scold Ramirez ngunit halata naman na kapag nalunod itong si Ramirez ay si Dr. Sison ang unang-unang tatalon upang sagipin siya. 

I’ve been working in this hospital for just a year and yet I have managed to observe the staff here and create a good and strong reputation as well. 

I put the sip cup of my coffee on my lips as I continued walking. It was just me and my blue scrub suit again. I don’t even know where to go. That maze procedure that we did was my last surgery for today and it was already 1 AM and yet I still don’t want to go. I’ve been up for 36 hours but still, I couldn’t feel the exhaust. 

“Dr. Costa!”

Tila ba lahat ng dugo ko sa katawan ko ay nabuhay nang makasalubong ko si Dr. Costa. He was already an attending physician. Matangkad siya, semi-kalbo ang buhok na puro kulay puti na. But dang, under those white little hairs is a brain that is full of knowledge. He’s gone to many places… 

“Dr. Clavel,” He smiled at me. “That was a good maze procedure… Kailan ka ba papalya? Naiinip na ‘ko.” Biro pa nito. His comments boost my confidence a lot, making me want to strive harder and execute every surgery gracefully and flawlessly. Dr. Costa was one of the few people that I look up to.

“Failure must not be in every surgeon’s vocabulary,” I grinned, brightly. 

Napahalakhak siya. “Tama ka. Isang maliit na pagkakamali lang ay maaring malala ang maging resulta.” 

I bit my bottom lip as one corner of my lips lifted up. “You have more surgery to perform, Doc?” I asked.

Tumango ito. “Aortic root replacement. It’ll start in about 30 minutes,” He replied, looking down on his wrist watch. 

Adrenaline rushed through my vein. “Can I scrub in?” Ngising aso kong sabi. 

“Nice try, young lady but I don’t want my surgery to be interrupted with your sudden collapse inside the OR later.” He grins. “Come on, Dr. Clavel! Umuwi ka na’t magpahinga! Mamaya bigla ka na lang matumba…” Pagbibiro pa nito. 

Napasimangot ako. “Sige na, doc! Huli na ‘to.” 

He shook his head and raised a finger. “Na-uh. You go home and have your rest, Dr. Clavel. I’ll see you around.” He dismissively said, turning his back on me leaving me here with a frown on my face. 

Ano ba naman ‘yan. I still don’t want to go back to my condo but it looks like I don’t have a choice. I pulled out a deep sigh before tossing my half empty coffee on a trash bin near me.

--

I just got home from the hospital and the only thing that I’ve heard the moment I got here was the click of the light switch. 

Binitawan ko ang bag ko sa center table at tinanggal mula sa pagkakatali ang buhok kong mahaba at paalon. Paulit-ulit ko iyong sinuklay pataas gamit ang mga daliri ko. One of the ways that I can use to distract myself from the surge of loneliness that’s about to hit me anytime soon. 

“Fuck!” I cursed to myself. I did a few inhales and exhales before finally deciding to go out again from my pad. This was the same pad that I used to live in when I came back here in the Philippines two years ago. 

Sa tito ko ‘to noon, he gave it to me now at syempre hindi ko na tinanggihan dahil mas malapit ako sa ospital na pinagta-trabahuan ko… And of course, there’s a little part of me that still hope to see him. 

Damn! May asawa’t anak na siya, Mona! Gusto kong iumpog ang sarili ko. 

I twisted the knob to open the door. And the moment I got out, a familiar physique of a guy caught my attention. His back was turned towards my direction, he was six feet tall, and those bulky arms were quite prominent on the sleeves of his white pilot’s uniform. 

I felt a stir on my stomach. 

Nagbaba ako nang tingin sa slacks niya. It stands perfectly with his long legs and not to mention, that ass… I was still a bit dazed but my mind knew that this guy is familiar. Kahit na nakatalikod pa siya. His other hand was gripping on his knob, while the other was pressing his phone on his ear. 

“Yeah, I just got home and I’m about to go out again. Sa tingin ko ay hindi ako makakatulog kaagad… No, I’ll drive to the nearest store to go get myself a beer or whatever to make me fall asleep…”

Salita siya nang salita sa kausap niya and I couldn’t understand a thing since my brain was busy trying to figure out who this familiar guy was. And it’s as if another batch of adrenaline rushed in my veins as a realization hit me. 

“Colton?” I called him, my heart was beating rapidly inside my chest and no, this is not AFib. I used to live with him next door two years ago but that was just a very short span of time. 

“Colton!” Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko nang biglang mapalakas ang pagtawag ko sa kanya. Shit! I sounded desperate again, don’t I?

Unti-unti niyang ibinaba ang kamay niya na siyang humahawak sa telepono niya bago ito dahan-dahang pumihit paikot sa akin. 

My smiles that are full of anticipation suddenly turned into a disappointed slack when those familiar yet annoying dark deep set eyes bore into mine. 

“Ciel?!” Even his name tastes so bitter on my tongue. I can’t believe what I’m seeing! Is this some kind of nightmare?

Mula sa naka-awang niyang bibig ay unti-unting sumilay ang isang mapaglarong ngisi. “Well, what do we have here?” He said, leaning his shoulder on his closed door as he looks at me from head to toe, looking so entertained with my sudden appearance. 

He pushed his phone inside his pocket without breaking his smug gaze on me. 

My jaw clenched. “What the hell are you doing here?” 

Nangunot ang noo niya ngunit hindi nagtagal ay bahagya siyang natawa. Iyong tawa niyang magaling mang-irita! 

“Napaka brutal naman ng ‘Hello’ mo, Clavel… Ramdam ko ang pagkamiss mo sa’kin ah.” 

My jaw dropped and my wide eyes looked at him in disbelief. “Excuse me? Hindi ko alam kung anong droga ang natira mo para maisip mo ‘yan pero sana tigilan mo na.” I said, crossing my arms on my chest. 

Kapal talaga ng lalaking ‘to! 

He eyed me and instead of getting offended his grin grew widely. “Single ka ba ngayon?” He asked out of nowhere and my eyes narrowed even more. 

At gusto pa niya ‘kong pormahan ngayon? This arrogant lowkey womanizer! My God! Sana naman ay kilabutan siya dahil hindi ko siya papatulan. 

“At ano naman sa’yo kung single ako? Don’t even try to think about doing your moves on me… You’re not my type.” 

Naningkit ang kanyang mga mata habang nakangisi. “Iyan…” He said pointing his finger on my mouth, forming small circle in the air. “Iyan ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ka nagkakajowa… Para kang armalite kung tumalak. And you’re thinking that I will make a move on you?” He asked, sneering. 

“Come on, Mona. Hindi ko na kailangan ng isa pang nanay.”

My eyes narrowed in disbelief as my cheeks turned red in embarrassment. 

Aba gago ‘to ah! 

“And I don’t need a child to take care of either… What are you doing here anyway? Kung ako si Colton, hindi kita hahayaang tumungtong sa condo ko!” 

“Baka siya pa ang hindi ko papasukin.” Mayabang niyang ngisi. 

Nangunot ang noo ko. 

“I bought his condo. Akin na ‘to ngayon.” He said, giving the door that he’s currently leaning on a quick glance. My eyes narrowed. He can’t be fucking serious, right? 

“What?! You’re just messing with me!” 

“I am not.” He smirked. 

“And it looks like you live here as well,” He said, giving my closed door a playful glance. “Neighbor.” He whispered, smirking like the devil he was. Mula sa pagkakasandal niya sa pintuan ay umayos siya ng tayo at humakbang papalapit sa akin. 

He was so tall that I had to tilt my head up to give him the glares that he deserved. He was two feet away from me and yet his smell managed to make its way through my nostrils. 

I pulled a sarcastic smile. “Neighbor my ass… You’ll barely see me.” 

Akala yata nito madedemonyo niya ako araw-araw? Mabuti na lang talaga hindi ako madalas umuwi. 

His eyes slightly narrowed, giving me a sarcastic relieved face. “Ah, shit. Thank God!” 

Hindi pa rin nawawala ang kanyang mga ngisi sa kanyang labi habang nakatingin sa akin. The first two buttons of his pilot’s uniform was opened, making him look more pompous and arrogant. 

His curly dark brown hair was cut short and some of his curly strands are on his forehead, making it messy but not too messy, just right… to create that perfectly annoying smug face!

 He looks like someone who has reincarnated from the 90s. I wish he could have just reincarnated into a tree instead of being an annoying pest, always ready to ruin my damn mood. 

Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mga mata. “Yeah, thank God!” Sarcastic kong sabi. Ang kapal naman ng mukha nito. Siya pa ang nagpapasalamat kay Lord dahil hindi niya ako madalas makikita? Bakit? Sa tingin niya gusto ko siyang makita? 

His jaw sets back and forth, smirking at me. “We just see each other after so many years and yet here you are, bitching at me. Why do you hate me so much?” 

“Ciel, there are some things that we call involuntary. Katulad na lang ng pagtibok ng puso, that’s an involuntary movement at kahit hindi mo sabihan ang katawan mo, mag pa-pump at mag pa-pump pa rin ito ng dugo. My hatred for you is just the same as how my heart beats, Ciel. It’s involuntary.” I grin, crossing my arms on my chest. 

A low chuckle rose from his throat. “Mona… Do you really involuntary hate the things that you can’t have?” He grinned. And my eyes narrowed, my cheeks flushing as the bitter memories start replaying at the back of my head. 

The appearance of the dimple on his cheek that looks like a parenthesis proved that he got the reaction that he wanted from me. 

I shrugged it off immediately, trying to bring my composure back. 

Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mga mata. 

“Things that I can’t have? Ciel, wala akong mga bagay na gusto na hindi ko nakukuha. If I hate you then maybe it’s because you’re probably not worth pursuing.” 

“I would believe that if only I haven’t met the 16 years-old Mona Lisa Clavel… By the way, I still have your letter.” 

He grins before turning his back on me, leaving me here dumbfounded and flushing as hell! I was just about to breathe in relief when the asshole suddenly tilted his body to turn around towards my direction. 

“At ano nga pala ang tinawag mo sa’kin kanina? Colton? Ang layo, Mona… mas gwapo ako do’n.” Nakangisi niyang sabi bago tuluyang naglakad paalis, his left hand was shove inside his pocket while the other one is playing with his keys. I watch him as he left me, dumbfounded and annoyed. 

Anong sinabi niya? Mas gwapo siya kay Colton? Wala nang mas ga-gwapo pa kay Colton! Ang kapal niya! 

At ano pa daw? 

Hate the things that I can’t have?! Ha! I don’t hate the things that I can’t have, I replace them! 

Fuck! That’s what I should have told him! That would make him shut up. Sayang. Nakakairita talaga. Bakit ba mas nakakaisip ako nang magandang linyang ibabato kapag wala na ako sa mismong sitwasyon? May araw ka rin Ciel Dmitri Alfieri III!

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I’m not a surgeon but I read, watched, and did my research (and lost some neurons, charot) and if there were wrong pieces of information stated, please educate me to avoid inputting false information into the readers’ minds. Thank you!

This story is not as heavy as Jess and Colton’s story... I think? Sana suportahan at magustuhan niyo! 💙