Chapter 7

The Power Of The Society To Change Someone 

I bit my bottom lip as hard as I can before knocking softly at the door of my mother’s clinic. After knocking three times, binuksan ko na ang pintuan at nakita ko kaagad ang Mommy ko na nakaupo sa desk niya habang may papel na binabasa. 

Her head tilted up when she sensed that there’s someone. She wasn’t able to process right away that I was actually standing here inside her office and when she does, her mouth fell in agape. 

“Honey, what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in school.” She said, removing her specs and placing it on top of her desk. 

“Mom…” My lips quivered the moment I called her. 

Her eyes and whole face began to be clouded with concern as she stood up from her swivel chair, quickly approaching me. She cupped my face and tears began to fall from my eyes nonstop. 

“Honey, what happened? Tell me,” She said. She was wearing her white coat looking so gorgeous as ever. 

“Mom? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t others appreciate or even just respect me as a person? Ano ba ang mali sa’kin, Mommy? Is it because I’m fat?” Buong pait kong tanong habang humihikbi. 

I saw my Mom’s eyes moistened as she looked at me with pain, straining her eyes. “Baby, there is nothing wrong with you… but with the eyes of the society that loves to judge, there is. Walang mali sa’yo, anak.” 

“You are beautiful just the way you are, Mona. Size is a number and not a definition of someone’s beauty. You deserve to be loved and respected regardless of your weight. There is nothing wrong with you, you were just surrounded with the wrong people.” She said, her voice quite breaking. 

“Mabait naman ako sa kanila… Ginagawa ko naman kung anong gusto nila pero bakit ginaganyan nila ako? Mom, I’m so tired of dealing with the same crap everyday. Ayoko na nang ganito… Sometimes I wish that I didn’t just exist.” I admitted and I heard my Mom gasped. 

Umiling siya habang unti-unting nawawasak habang tinitingnan ang anak niyang durog na durog na. “Mona, no… don’t say that. I can’t imagine a life without you. You are my sunshine… H’wag mong sabihin iyan.” Tears began to roll from her eyes. I felt a pang on my chest the moment I saw my mom cry. 

It hurts when you see someone who’s so amazing and strong breaks down in front of you. Sa tuwing sinasaktan ako nang iba, mas siya itong nasasaktan para sa akin. 

“I’m sorry…” I sobbed.

“No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that this world is so cruel to you. You do not deserve this, honey. Not even a bit… Kahit ako, napapagod na akong makita kang nasasaktan…” She looked up, pushing out a harsh exhale before looking back at me. 

“It makes me livid everytime I see you getting hurt. Your father and I are doing everything we can just to protect you! Ni hindi ka nga namin minumura tapos gaganyanin ka lang nila? These insensitive assholes be really testing my patience! Bukas na bukas ay pupunta na talaga ako sa eskwelahan niyo. I can’t stand this anymore! School is where you should learn and grow, it is where you your character and confidence must built and not the other way around!” She firmly said. 

And just what I always do, I shook my head immediately. “Mommy, h’wag. H’wag na po kayong pumunta sa school, please…” I begged. 

Parati kong pinipigilan ang mommy ko kapag gusto niya nang sumugod sa school sa tuwing nabu-bully ako dahil ako pa itong nahihiya. Isa pa, ayoko lang na palakihin pa ang gulo. If they really want to stop from bullying, they would eventually stop even without being sent to the discipline’s office. 

“Honey, hindi pwede ang ganito na lang parati! They will keep on hurting your feelings over and over again if you won’t do something to step in and draw a line! You should always set your own limits because bullies have none!” 

Again, I shook my head. This time firmer and full of determination. “Don’t worry, Mommy because this is where I am going to step in and draw a line. Hinding-hindi na nila ako masasaktan, Mommy. Ito na ang huling beses na iiyak ako sa harapan mo.” I promised her and myself as well. 

I’m sorry, Mona. I’m sorry that I let them wreck you… 

“Oh, Mona…” She caressed my cheek. 

Tiningnan ko siya sa mga mata. “Mom, I know that you always teach me on how to love and appreciate myself the way I am… Will you get mad if I say that I want change something in myself?” I asked her. 

A warm smile drew from her lips as she shook her head gently. “No, honey. What I prefer doesn’t matter, what matters is what you prefer to do with your own body. Your body is yours, Mona. You are free to do anything with it as long as it will push you to become the better version of you. My only job as your mother is to support and guide you all throughout.” She said, stroking my jaw using her thumb, looking at me straight in the eyes. 

“Honey, look at me.” She whispered. And I did look at her in the eyes. “If you’d choose to stay the way you are without changing a thing about yourself, I want you to not let the world limit you, okay? If you want to wear a cropped top, do it! If you want to wear two piece bikinis, sure! If you want to dance, kill it! I just want to let you know that regardless of your weight, you can still do the things that will empower you… kahit ano pa ang maging desisyon mo, Mona. Do not ever let the world limit you from doing the things that will make you happy and empower you as a woman. Do you understand me?” 

I looked at her with amusement and adoration as I nodded my head. I stan a mom who knows how to empower her daughter in every ways she can. This world needs to have people a lot like my Mom. 

That conversation that I had my mom created a powerful impact on me. I let her words sink, I let myself be consumed by them, until I began living for it. 

Kinabukasan pumasok ako na parang walang nangyari. They were all surprised when they saw me, of course. Maybe they were all wondering where I got the audacity to still show up after what happened but I don’t care. Let them wonder. 

The good thing about being broken is people got nothing left to break on you because you already are. 

I was usually quiet that day but my aura was cold and different. Something that they all deserve. 

I even saw Ciel with bruise on the corner of his lips and Adam all over his face but I didn’t give a single damn. Nahati pa ang grupo nila sa dalawa, si Ciel at Cyprian na lang ang magkasama ngayon. Mabuti nga sa inyo! Kahit mag-away-away pa kayo!  

Wala akong pakialam. They’ve been treating me like a thin air and that’s what I did too. I treated them like a thin air as well. At iyong mga pag-irap-irap sa’kin ng grupo nila Nika? Hinayaan ko. Wala na akong pakialam kahit tumirik pa ang mga mata nila kakairap. 

Malapit na rin namang matapos ang klase. Kaunting tiis na lang at tutungtong na kami ng senior highschool and I’ve sworn to myself that the senior highschool Mona Lisa Clavel will be fiercer and bolder. Hinding-hindi ko na ulit sila hahayaang tapakan ako. 

I am now aware of my worth and capabilities. I’m a smart woman and full of determination. And them? They’re just a bunch of insensitive assholes! 

--

Hingal na hingal ako habang pinupunas ang leegan ng maluwang kong PE shirt sa aking bibig. Maluwang na naman ang t-shirt ko. 

When I was in highschool my shirt were always extra large and when I started my senior high, from extra large it went medium and now that I’m about to finish my 11th grade level, from medium it went to small. 

Kaya nga ang luwag-luwag na ng PE shirt ko ngayon, gusto ko na ngang bumuli ulit ang kaso patapos na rin naman ang pasok kaya h’wag na lang. 

I can feel my temples throbbing and my heart loudly banging on my chest as beads of sweat start falling all over my body. 

We are currently here at the covered court and PE is our last period. Thank God! 

I’ve been graded for my volleyball performance and I was just waiting for ther others to finish so that we can all go home. 

I am already on my last month of being a grade 11 student. The start of my senior high is not as tough as it used to just like when I was still in junior high. Ni isa kasi ay wala na akong naging kaklase sa mga grupo ni Adam at nila Nika. 

My mom made sure of that. She used her connections just to separate me from those witches and assholes, or they can be called as the cancer of the society when combined. 

I was still standing here, breathing raggedy when my eyes suddenly caught the familiar tall built of a guy jogging around the university together with his teammates, wearing their training jerseys. 

Napangisi ako sa loob-loob ko. Kahit malayo siya ay kilalang-kilala ko ang gwapo at matipuno niyang tindig. 

It was no other than Colton Hale Ponce de Leon. One of the basketball varsities of Holy Angel University. Sa malayuan man o malapitan, kahit saang anggulo tingnan ay napaka gwapo pa rin niya talaga. 

I was thinking about convincing my Mom to put me with the same section as Colton’s next school year since we both have the same strand. STEM ang kinuha namin parehas.

My dreamy sight suddenly got ruined when an annoying pesk suddenly showed up to block the view of Colton Ponce de Leon who is now slowly disappearing from the view as he kept on jogging with his teammates. 

“Gusto mo ng tubig, Mona?” One of my guy classmate offered me an ice cold bottled water. 

I eyed him from head to toe before turning my back at him. Bwisit! Panira ng view, e! 

At wala talaga yata siyang balak magpaawat sa pagiging peste niya dahil nang tinalikuran ko siya ay muli siyang umikot para lang harangin na naman ang dadaanan ko. 

Sinubukan niya pa ring ibigay sa akin ang bote ng tubig. 

I arched a brow at him. “Pwede umalis ka sa harapan ko?” Matabang kong sabi. 

“Sige na, Mona. Tanggapin mo na. Mukhang kailangan mo dahil pinagpapawisan ka na at medyo namumutla,” He pressed. 

“Bakit ba ang kulit mo? Hindi ka ba makaintindi na ayaw ko? Tabi!” I shove his hand away, causing the bottled water to drop on the dirty floor. 

Hindi ko na siya nilingon. Wala na akong pakialam kung pinulot niya ba iyon o ano at wala rin akong pakialam sa kung ano ang naging reaksyon niya. 

Now he’s offering me a bottled water when he’s one of those people who laughed as the group of Nika embarrassed me in front of the class? What a big putang ina! 

This only proved that people only give respect to those people who are fit with the standards of society when it comes to ones physical body. Noong mataba ako, mabait ako pero hindi nila ako nirerespeto. Pero ngayon namang pumayat ako, kahit na duraan ko pa sila ay handang-handa pa rin silang luhuran ang bawat sahig na madaanan ko. 

I wanted to laugh at how absurd the standard that people managed to set when it comes to giving their respect and appreciation. When you’re fat, people will restrain you from having the freedom to live normal as you should be. 

They will always cringe in every single thing that you do... but when you’re physically fit, you can go around and act like an asshole and yet they would still make up reasons inside their heads just to ignore the fact that you’re an asshole. 

Kapag gwapo ang gago, may rason kung bakit siya gano’n. Pero kapag pangit naman ang gago, ang pangit-pangit na nga ganyan pa ang ugali! 

Damn! The way some people think makes me want to laugh sometimes. 

Physical beauty is a strong barrier and shield from the society’s wrath. Kasi kapag maganda ka, kahit anong gawin mo, tama. Pero kapag pangit ka naman kahit na anong gawin mo ay mag mapupuna at mapupuna pa rin sila. 

I was quietly rumagging something inside my bag when suddenly, my eyes automatically shifted on my left side since I was feeling someone watching over me. 

I was a bit caught off guard when I met those deep set of dark brown eyes coming from the other side of the court.

He was in his volleyball training jersey. His body was slouched in a graceful yet pompous manner, his hands are resting on both knees and his lips are slightly parted as his body is rising up and down, sign that he was panting. 

I was waiting for him to look away but he didn’t, every second that passes his stares becomes deeper and deeper and all I did was shot him a glare before rolling my eyes to smoothly avoid his gaze. 

Muli ko na lamang ibinalik ang tingin ko sa bag ko. Nasaan na ba kasi ang tumbler ko? 

And what the fuck is he looking at? What the fuck is that Ciel Alfieri looking at? What’s with those deep stares and glares, huh? 

This usually happens every PE period. Hindi kami parehas ng section pero sabay ang oras ng PE period ng section namin sa section nila. And since he was a varsity, wala siyang PE. Rektang training na kaagad siya kasama ang mga teammates niya sa kabilang parte  itong covered court. Sa may harapan ng industrial engineering’s lab. 

After what happened in highschool, I stopped talking to Ciel Alfieri. All I ever gave him were my glares and silence as I was enduring the remaining days of my stay inside that hell of a classroom. Hindi rin naman niya ako kinakausap which is good because I have nothing to say to a devious man like him! 

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa tumbler ko nang maramdaman kong sandaling dumilim ang paningin ko pero hindi nagtagal ay bumalik din sa normal ang vision ko. This always happens to me but I just know how to compose and control myself to avoid from blacking out. 

After composing myself, making sure that I have the strength to walk towards the water fountain in front of the gymnasium and just beside this covered court, nag-umpisa na akong maglakad. 

Nang makarating na ako ay halos mapaatras ako nang madatnan ko ang pinaka iniiwasan ko na kasalukuyang nagre-refill sa walang laman niyang bote ng tubig. Nag-angat siya nang tingin nang maramdaman niya yatang nakatayo ako malapit sa kanya. He was bathing with sweat and his cheeks are both turning red from all the drills that they did. 

Nagtalo ang isip ko kung aalis ba ako o hindi, pero kapag umalis naman ako ay magmumukha akong affected. So I did what I must do and that is to casually walk towards the water fountain, stand beside him like he’s not existing and began refilling my blue tumbler. 

I can still feel his gaze on me and also the heat coming out from his body since he was just few inches away from me. 

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa tumbler ko nang makaramdam na naman ako nang pagkahilo. I can feel my head spinning and my vision is starting to get black.

I tried composing myself again but my vision didn’t turn back onto how it usually does everytime I experience this. 

“Mona?” I heard his deep and smoky voice called my name. I wanted to snap my head towards his direction just to give him a glare but I couldn’t. Bakit ba niya ako tinatawag?

“Mona! Mona, hey!” His voice that was strained with panic was the last thing that I’ve heard before I finally blacked out. Yes. I just fucking blacked out. What a fucking good timing to black out in front of him, huh? Fuck it! 

--

I woke up feeling a blanket all over my body yet the air still feels cold against my skin. I slowly opened my eyes and I saw a silhouette of a man, few feet away in front of me. 

When my eyes finally adjusted I met those deep set of brown eyes, staring at me. Damn! He was the last thing that I saw when I passed out and now that I woke up, siya pa rin ang nakikita ko?

He was still eyeing me while he was firmly seated on an empty hospital clinic bed. His deep brown eyes were clouded with anticipation yet his face is firm and stoic, making it hard for me to point out the real emotion that he’s been feeling at the moment. 

Ciel Alfieri was really a contradiction on two legs. He’s always hard to figure out. 

“What are you doing here?” I finally asked. Mula sa pagkakahiga ko ay dahan-dahan akong umupo. 

He eyed me, softly tossing the apple on the air. “You passed out.” Was his curt reply. 

“And that has something to do with you staying here because?” I raised a brow, looking down on my wrist watch. Damn! It’s already seven?! 

His mouth slightly parted for a split second before his jaw sets back and forth. He looked at me in a combination of disbelief and sarcasm. “You have your way of saying thank you, huh? Was that all you got? Don’t you have another version that sounds… a little nice?” Napanguso siya kasabay nang paniningkit ng kanyang mga mata. 

“I don’t remember asking you to watch out for me here…” I sarcastically said, eyeing the apple that he’s now holding. “At may pa prutas ka pa? Ano ang akala mo sa’kin? Na confine?” Pabalang kong sabi. 

Umigting ang kanyang bagang nang ilang sandali. “Sino ba ang nagsabing para sa’yo ‘to? I bought this for me. Dream on.” He huffed before giving the apple a bite. 

I rolled my eyes at him, shaking my head a little to hide my embarrassment. Bwisit! 

Tinanggal ko ang puting kumot na nasa bewang ko at akmang bababa na ako sa hospital clinic bed ngunit naramdaman ko ang paghilab ng tiyan ko.

My hand automatically touched my stomach as I felt the acid slowly taking over. 

“What happened? Anong masakit sa’yo?” Mabilis siyang bumaba mula sa pagkakaupo niya sa bed at ngayon ay nakatayo na siya sa may gilid ko. 

I was about to reply a bitchy remark when the door suddenly swung open as the nurse entered the room. 

“Oh, gising ka na pala…” Aniya. Awtomatikong umatras si Ciel upang bigyan nang daan ang nurse para malapitan ako.

“Kumusta ang pakiramdam mo?” Tanong niya. 

“I-I’m fine,” I lied. “Gusto ko na pong umuwi.” 

“I have to ask you a few questions before I let you go home… Kumain ka ba ng lunch mo, Miss?” 

“Mona…” I said. 

“Mona. Kumain ka ba ng lunch mo?” 

I nodded without looking at her in the eyes. Of course, I didn’t. Ayaw ko lang nang maraming usapin dahil gusto ko nang umuwi. 

“Do you always feel dizzy? Or do you usually experience passing out?” 

Umiling ako. 

“How about heartburn? Do you sometimes experience heartburn?” 

Tumango. Pero madalang lang iyon. Iyon lang yata ang honest kong sagot sa kanya bukod sa pangalan ko. 

Tumango-tango siya habang pinagmamasdan ako. “Anong araw ang expected mong dalaw?” 

“I’m delayed for a week. Pero parating na rin naman po niyan. Pwede na ba akong umuwi?” Damn! Bakit ba napakadaming tanong nito? 

Tiningnan niya si Ciel. Napatawid naman ito ng tayo. 

“What’s wrong with her?” He asked right away. 

“Hindi na bago sa akin ang mga kasong ganito. Pero para makasigurado, bago mo siya iuwi, I advice you to go to a drugstore and buy your girlfriend a pregnancy test.” The nurse adviced and my jaw dropped as my eyes widened in shock. What the fuck? 

Ciel was listening to the nurse attentively, biting his bottom lip while nodding his head. “Okay, okay. I got it. Pregnancy te— wait… What? Pregnancy test? No, no… It’s not what you think. Hindi ko siya binuntis!”  Parang tangang sabi ni Ciel nang mag sink in sa kanya ang sinabi ng nurse. 

I was still dumbfounded and quite annoyed. “Hindi po ako buntis! Hindi ako kumain kaya ako nahimatay! Jesus…” I defended myself, feeling my cheeks heating up in embarrassment. 

The nurse’s mouth slightly parted and she shook her head slightly after recovering from my confession. Si Ciel naman ay tumiim ang bagang habang naniningkit ang mga matang nakatingin sa kanya. 

Problema nito? Inirapan ko nga. 

“Hija, masama ang hindi kumakain. Nag PE ka pa naman. Talagang hihimatayin ka.” Aniya at muling hinarap si Ciel. 

“Ang gawin mo niyan, pakainin mo ang girlfriend mo. Kahit light lang muna, biscuits will do. Baka kasi mabigla ang tiyan niya, e. Pwede na rin iyang mansanas na iyan.” The nurse adviced. 

He nodded. “Sige po. Salamat.” He sighed, shifting his gaze on me. Tiim bagang pa rin siyang nakatingin sa akin at wala akong ibang nagawa kung hindi taasan siya ng kilay. 

I was actually waiting for him to deny that I am his girlfriend but he didn’t. 

“Pwede na po ba akong umuwi?” Pagkuha ko sa atensyon ng nurse. 

Tumango siya. “Kumain ka, ha? Hindi maganda ang nagpapalipad ng gutom. May possibility na magka ulcer ka kapag parati mong ginagawa ‘yan,” She softly said. 

I just looked at her, my face is stoic. It really pisses me off everytime people tell me to eat more. Pero noong mataba ako kulang na lang sabihan nila ako na h’wag nang kumain. 

The nurse excused herself. Ciel eyed me for a few seconds. 

“What?” I challenged. 

He took steps forward without breaking away his intense gaze on me. “What the hell are you doing, Mona? Bakit hindi ka kumain buong araw?” His voice was low and quite pissed. 

“And that concerns you because?” 

His jaw firmly clenched as his eyes turned into burning slits. “Mona, payat ka na. What the hell do you still want?” He quietly hissed. 

“Tapos ka na? Can I go home now?” I said, unbothered. 

Wala akong pakialam sa kahit ano pa ang isipin niya. Ganyan naman ang mga iyan, e. 

Fat or not, people will always find a way to shame your body. Kung noon nabo-bother ako, ngayon ay hindi na… Natuto na ‘ko. 

When society fucks you, moan like a bitch. 

I looked at Ciel. His jaw sets back and forth before brushing his fingers through her small and neat curls. “Tara na. Iuuwi na kita sa inyo.” 

I looked at him ridiculously. “No!” Mariin kong tanggi. What made him think na sasama ako sa kanya? 

“Ayaw mong iuwi kita sa inyo?” 

“Exactly.” I smiled sarcastically before finally getting up from the hospital bed. Hindi naman pala mahirap maka-intindi ito, e. 

Bumaba ako sa tiled floor para abutin ang sneakers ko. 

“Oh, tara. Uwi na lang kita sa’min.”