Chapter 15

All The Perfects And The Imperfects 

I didn’t know that it’s possible to feel the whole safari inside your chest because my heart… It was really roaring loud inside my rib cage. It wasn’t that typical roar coming out from a single lion, it was the kind of roar coming from all the wild animals combined. 

And I didn’t know if it was because of his words, or the way he stares at me intently, or is it because of the fact that he’s too close, too close that I am inhaling every bit of his still divine scent despite him being all sweaty. How is that even possible? 

This. Is. Too. Much. 

Every inch of this moment was too much to take for me and I’m positive that if I was made up of machine, I have probably malfunctioned the moment I heard him said those words. 

“Ciel! Handshake daw tapos picture!” He eyed me once more before tilting his head towards the direction of his teammates. The moment those gaze drifted apart from me, I finally knew how to breathe again. 

But my normal breathing pattern just lasted for almost two solid seconds because he’s now looking at me again. 

“Balik muna ako doon…” Paalam niya.

I absentmindedly nodded my head. He just gave me a faint grin before slowly releasing my waist. 

“Mabilis lang ako,” he said before proceeding to the court once again, bringing my almost empty bottled water with him. My eyes followed him, ang dalawang team ay nakahilera sa pagitan ng mataas na net at nagbibigayan ng handshake. 

I was still standing with the same position that he left me, thinking about the lingering feeling of his arms encircled around my waist and how to fucking get rid of it. 

“Mona,” halos mapatalon ako nang maramdaman kong may humawak sa balikat ko. Nang lingunin ko iyon ay nakita ko si Cyprian na pawisan at sa tabi niya si Colton na pawisan rin. 

“Tapos na ang laban niyo?” Tanong ko. 

Tumango si Cyprian at sinipat ang mga volleyball players. I was expecting him to tease me but he just gave me a grin instead. 

“Panalo?” He asked, pertaining to Ciel’s team. 

I nodded my head. “Kayo?” 

“Syempre.” He grinned. 

My face lit up, looking at the both of them. “Congratulations to the both of you!” Masigla kong bati sa kanila. 

“Thank you, Mona.” Cyprian smiles. 

Nginisian ako ni Colton at tinanguan. “Kumusta naman ang role mo bilang supportive girlfriend ni Ciel?” He asked, grinning. 

My eyes narrowed as my cheeks burn in embarrassment and disbelief. “Nang-aasar ka na naman.” I gave him a slight frown. Lahat yata ng tao alam na gusto ko siya pwera na lang sa kanya dahil tulak pa rin siya nang tulak sa akin kay Ciel. 

Tumawa siya. “Hindi, ah. Girl friend. Babaeng kaibigan. Parang kami ni Cyprian, girl friend ka rin namin.” He said, grinning. 

My frown turned into a wide grin, blushing even more, making me look like an idiot. Tinawag niya ‘kong girlfriend niya! Oh my God! 

“Talaga? Girlfriend mo ‘ko?” I asked him, smiling. A grin formed on his face as he gives me a quite weird look. 

“Girl… Friend…” He said, slowly. I frowned mentally. Bakit binabagalan niya pa kung pwede namang bilisan? Nakakainis naman. 

Before I could even respond to him subtly friendzoning me, his eyes drifted apart from me as if he’s looking at someone who just passed from behind me. 

I simply looked over my shoulder and there I saw Lexie Sevilla together with her new girlfriends. My forehead furrowed as my blood suddenly boils when all the bad memories that I have with her began hitting me all at once. 

She and Courtney were best friends when we’re on the sixth grade. If you would ask me how many bad memories have I had with them then don’t. Because I lost count. 

But the most unforgettable bad memory that I have with them is when they accused me of something that I didn’t do. We have a classmate who sits in front, a parent went to the door while the teacher was discussing at ipinasuyo ang pagkain na pinrepare niya kina Courtney para ibigay sa anak niya dahil malapit sila sa pintuan. 

At bago pa iyon makarating doon sa anak niya, Courtney and Lexie secretly ate the cake… Yeah, it was a cake. I saw them since we are joined in the same row. 

They were both giggling while eating it and they even offered me some but I refused no matter how much I love food and cake back then because I know that taking something that isn’t meant for you is bad and it’s considered as stealing. 

To make the long story short, when our classmates found out, they put all the blame on me and then the whole class began calling me “matakaw” and “baboy” since then on. Sila pa nga ang nag-umpisa nang pagtawag sa akin ng mga pangalan. The audacity!

I was trying to explain that I didn’t eat the cake but since I was fat and both Courtney and Lexie were skinny, no one believed in me. 

Bata pa lang kami maganda na sila, e. They were the kind of kids that teachers always push to join those school’s little pageants and everything. While me,  I’ve always been the background. 

That’s the power of being fit in, people will more likely believe in you, listen to your opinions, and worship the ground that you are walking in. But if you’re an outcast, no matter how sensible your opinions are, no matter how much you try to pour your heart out in everything that you do, still, it wouldn’t be just enough… Because there is someone out there who people think that has more substance than you. 

The society has been always unfair.  

“You like Lexie?” I asked, trying to hide the firmness in my voice. 

He brings his attention back to me. He eyed me for a second and I just stared at him, stoic, and anticipating for answers. 

He shrugged. “She’s hot… maybe I do.” He said and in spite the lack of sincerity, I couldn’t still help but to feel pissed. Sa lahat ng babaeng gusto niyang kalaro, bakit si Lexie pa? 

“And she also have a boyfriend.” Cyprian said. That news suddenly calmed my boil down. Nice. 

“Ano, gusto mo pa?” Cyprian smirked. 

Colton, chuckled, shaking his head. “We don’t do that here,” A faint grin appeared on his lips, raising both his hands in surrender. 

Tumango-tango ako, pushing a small relieved sigh. “Good. She doesn’t deserve you.” 

Napangisi siya. “I don’t, too. No woman does. Ano ba’ng akala mo sa’kin, Mona? Matino?” Natatawa niyang tanong sa akin. 

“Mabait ka at marespeto. You are more than the asshole that you always view yourself… You know how to push others to become the better version of themselves.” I told him. 

Bahagyang naningkit ang kanyang mga mata habang nakangisi pa rin. “How did you know?” Aniya na para ba’ng gusto pa akong tawanan dahil ayaw niyang maniwala sa’kin. 

I paused for a while, clenching my fist, squeezing the fabric of my jeans. “I-I know… I know because you pushed me to become the better version of me.” My heart was beating rapidly as I told me the thing that I’ve been waiting for him to realize. 

His brows furrowed. “Huh?” 

I swallowed, my eyes going down on the ground. “I can still remember, it was a rainy morning… the first time I met you.” Tiningnan ko siya, he was just looking at me, clenched jaw while waiting for what I’m going to say next. 

“The day I met you… It was the same day that I felt so betrayed and hurt and I was really close to giving up. Everyone around were just talking to me because they needed something from me… Pero ikaw, kinausap mo ‘ko kahit hindi mo ‘ko kilala, kahit wala kang kailangan sa’kin… Binigyan mo pa nga ako ng payong kasi balak ko nang sumugod sa ulan dahil gustong-gusto ko nang umuwi. Out of all the betrayal that I’ve felt the day, you were the genuine thing that happened to me.” 

He stared at me, his eyes slowly narrowing as his lips slightly parted. Even Cyprian looked so surprised with my sudden confession.  

I chewed my bottom lip out of embarrassment. I can’t believe I said this while we’re here in the covered court! 

“Ikaw ‘yon?” He still looked amused, he slightly shakes his head. “Wow… You look… You look different.” He said, almost a whisper. 

I gave him a faint smile. “I do,” tumatango-tango kong sabi. From huge to petite. That will really make a big difference. “Thanks to you…” I finally said. 

Nangunot ang kanyang noo. 

I was about to say something again but then I saw Cyprian, staring at someone behind me. 

I tilted my head on the side, looking over my shoulder and there I saw Ciel standing behind me. I turn around to face him, dropping the conversation that I’m having with Colton. 

“Tapos ka na pala… Kanina ka pa diyan?” I asked him. 

He shook his head and his lips were firmly drawn into a thin line. He then avoided my gaze, looking at Cyprian behind me. 

“Sa’n tayo?” Tanong niya dito. 

“Sa APS na lang. Mas malapit pa.” I heard Cyprian said. 

“Ako, hindi ako sasabay. Nandiyan na mga pinsan ko. Uwi na muna kami.” Paalam ni Colton. 

When I turned again to look at him, he nodded to the three of us before jogging towards his two cousins who were just about to approach him. Tinanguan kami ng dalawa niyang pinsan na sina Philip at Kiel bago muling itinuon ang mga tingin kay Colton. 

--

“What happened to Ciel?” I asked Cyprian who was currently delving into his lunch. Naunang natapos si Ciel kumain at sinabi niyang bibili lang daw siya ng maiinom kaya kami lang dalawa ni Cyprian ngayon dito. 

“I don’t know. Bakit, napano ba siya?” 

“Hindi…” I paused. Hindi niya ako pinapansin dahil simula kanina ay laging si Cyprian ang kinakausap niya. He wouldn’t even look at me or listen to me when it’s my turn to talk. 

How do I say that to Cyprian without looking like I care because I really don’t? I’m just curious, magkaiba ang concern sa curious. 

Umarko ang dalawa niyang kilay habang nakatingin sa akin. “Hindi?” He pressed. 

I clenched my jaw, subtly rolling my eyes. “Hindi niya ako—” I choked on my own saliva when Ciel suddenly sat on the vacant space beside me. 

“Hindi niya ako?” Cyprian’s brows furrowed, pressing me to say my next word. 

I swallowed as panic starts rising through me. “S-Si… Si Colton! Hindi niya ako gustong maging girlfriend ‘no? B-Baka gusto niya akong maging asawa.” I reasoned out narrowing my eyes at Cyprian. Bigla kasing pumasok sa isip ko nang i-friendzone ako kanina ni Colton. Hindi naman masakit. 

Ian’s brows furrowed deeper and I narrowed my eyes wider, slightly kicking him on his foot under this table. 

“Ah… Ah…” Tumatango-tango niyang sabi. “Baka nga,” he absentmindedly said while looking at me with amusement. 

I subtly gave Ciel a side glance, diretso lang ang tingin niya habang sumisimsim sa green apple juice na binili niya. It was expected from him to throw sarcastic remarks at me, especially right after I just claimed that Colton wants me to be his wife… but surprisingly, he didn’t. 

Our table grew quiet for a moment and when Cyprian noticed, he stopped from chewing his food and his gaze shifted from Ciel to mine, and from mine to Ciel. 

I wanted to approach him or simply ask what’s wrong with him but I am intimidated with his silence. I don’t even know what’s going on through his mind. One second he’s too close and then the next he’s out of reach. Damn you, Ciel Alfieri! Nakaka frustrate ka! 

“Hey!” Pare-pareho kaming napatingin kay Archie na kakadating lamang. He’s wearing a jersey, too. 

“Kain,” Cyprian simply said. 

“Sige pre, kakatapos ko lang…” Aniya at dumako ang tingin sa akin. 

“Oh, nasaan na ang bebe Colton mo?” Nakangisi niyang tanong sa akin. Itong si Archie, parati kaming inaasar na dalawa ni Colton tapos si Colton tatawa lang at mapapailing. At least walang kasamang “Ew”. Mas masakit ‘yon. 

“Umalis kasama ang mga pinsan niya.” Sagot ko na lamang. 

“Inaasar mo na naman si Mona kay Colton. Isa kang kalaban!” Ngisi ni Cyprian. 

“Hindi naman si Mona ang inaasar ko sa tuwing inaasar ko siya kay Colton, e.” Archie grinned eyeing Ciel. 

Ciel frowned. 

“Huh?” I asked, feeling confused. And before I could even get my response, Ciel finally spoke. 

“Ano na naman ba’ng kailangan mong hinayupak ka?” 

“Well, I’m here to break some news to Cyprian.” Nakangising sabi ni Archie. 

“Tangina hindi ka naman nauubusan ng balita, ano? Para kang walking TV Patrol.” Ciel said, grinning a little, making Cyprian chuckle and as well as Archie. 

“Gago ka talaga,” aniya bago ibinaling ang buong atensyon kay Cyprian. “I have a date with my girlfriend a little later…” Archie finally broke the news. 

“Uh, congrats?” Cyprian said in a quite furrowed brows. 

“Gago, third wheel namin si Missy. Naging close kasi sila ng jowa ko this second semester. Sama ka na… para may kasama si Missy.” Archie raised his brows up and down. 

Napangiti ako. 

Cyprian looked stunned. “Tangina. Ayoko. Nahihiya ako.” He said, his cheeks were turning pinkish. Crush na crush niya kasi si Missy since first sem pa. 

“Ang hina naman ng kupal na ‘to,” Napakamot si Archie sa kanyang batok. “Bilis na! Chance mo na ‘to!” 

“Tangina…” Is what Cyprian only managed to utter. 

Natawa ako nang bahagya. “Go na, Ian! Never let an opportunity pass! I’m sure she’ll like you!” I cheered for him. Oh my God… Binata na ang Cyprian namin. 

“Oh kita mo, mas matapang pa sa’yo si Mona, e. Kahit fine-friendzone na ni Colton, sige pa rin.” Archie said. 

“Hey!” I frowned. 

He smiled and made a peace sign. “Joke lang,” 

I rolled my eyes at him before staring at Cyprian again. 

Umiling siya. “Nakakahiya…” halos nakatulala na niyang sabi. 

“Tangina talaga! Para ka namang walang bayag, e! Turuan mo nga ‘to, Ciel! Nakakaurat, e.” Archie hissed. 

Tiningnan ko si Ciel. A faint grin formed on his lips before slightly shaking his head. “Ako nga ‘di makaporma, tapos tuturuan ko pa siya.” He said biting his bottom lip, his faint grin not leaving those lips. 

Damn. There goes his parenthesis-like dimple again. 

Pero ano ang sinabi niya? Hindi makaporma? May crush ba siya at natotorpe rin? Bakit hindi namin alam ‘yon? 

I wanted to ask him but then I remember that he’s currently giving me a cold shoulder and I don’t want to embarrass myself so I just bit my tongue to prevent myself from talking to him.

--

“Huy, Mona…” Nakangiting tawag sa akin ni Cyprian at sinundot pa ako sa tagiliran. 

I clicked my tongue. “Tigilan mo nga ‘yan!” Naiirita kong saway sa kanya. We’re currently here at the University Library to continue doing our research.

Imbes na mainis ay bahagya niya lamang akong tinawanan. Ilang sandali ay humupa iyon at marahan niya akong tiningnan bago nagpakawala ng isang buntong hininga. 

“Mona, sinabihan na kasi kita ‘di ba? Colton is a great friend but not as a lover… wala pa sa isip niya ang magseryoso. Laro lang ang kaya niyang ibigay sa’yo.” Cyprian said. 

“E ‘di maglaro kami!” I said, firmly. 

“Mona, you know Colton can’t do that to you… Kaibigan ang turing niya sa’yo at hindi kalaro so don’t expect him to involve you with his games.” 

“Kaya ba si Lexie ang girlfriend niya ngayon? I can play, too if that’s what he wants! Bakit si Lexie pa? Bakit hindi na lang ako na parating nandito?” Matigas kong sabi. Ang sabi niya hindi niya papatulan si Lexie ‘di ba?! Pero bakit kagabi magkasama sila? I saw their snap! Sa lahat pa talaga ng mga babae siya pa! 

“Mona, are you hearing yourself? Even Colton knows your worth that’s why he’s keeping you as his friend! Hindi ka pang laro lang, Mona… You deserve more and you deserve better. H’wag ka nang umasa kay Colton, hindi niya kayang ibigay ang gusto mo.” 

I absentmindedly shook my head. “Ewan ko, Ian… Ewan ko.” I said, standing up from where I was seated. 

Kahit anong sabihin niya, walang nagsi-sink in sa’kin. All I can feel is my anger and disappointment. How could life be always so unfair to me? Bakit kung sino pa ang mga taong ginawang miserable ang buhay ko ay sila pa ‘yong nagiging masaya? 

I don’t understand why the bad always receives all the good, and the good always receives the bad. Why can’t we all receive what we fucking deserve? Why can’t life be just fair? 

“Mona!” I heard Cyprian called me pero hindi ko pinansin. 

Tuloy-tuloy lang ako sa paglalakad ngunit natigilan ako nang makasalubong ko si Ciel na may hawak-hawak na libro. 

“Saan ka pupunta?” Tanong niya. 

“Wala kang pakialam.” Malamig kong sabi at nagtuloy-tuloy na sa paglalakad. Good thing he didn’t call me again. 

After giving me all the cold shoulder, he had the audacity to ask me kung saan ako pupunta? I don’t even know what I did to him that day for him to treat me like a damn thin air! 

Kinuha ang bag ko sa mesa katabi ng bag nila Cyprian at Ciel bago tuluyang umalis ng University Library. It’s almost 2 PM, kanina kami dismissed dahil half day lang kami pero si Colton ay hindi pumasok. Nasa bahay lang siya at pupuntahan ko siya doon. 

My Mom always tells me to never ever make a decision whenever I’m overwhelmed or too livid because I’ll end up regretting whatever decision that I made… but now I just don’t care. I am too driven by my emotions to even back out… Lalo pa’t nandito na ako sa harapan ng gate nila? 

--

Pathetic. That’s all I can think of to give myself a description that will suit me well. 

I just confessed my feelings for him and he made it very clear to me that he couldn’t give me what I want… 

I wiped my angry tears while walking on the pavement as the memories of how pathetic I am began playing inside my head. 

“Ganyan ka ba talaga ka insensitive ko, Colton?!” 

“I don't know what you're talking about…” Of course you do! You always knew, Colton! Alam mong gusto kita pero ayaw mo lang pansinin ang damdamin ko sa’yo! 

“Damn you! Can’t you see?! Can’t you fucking see?! I like you, Colton! Gustong-gusto kita noon pa! I thought we’re good—”

“We’re friends, Mona.” Putol niya sa akin. Damn. Of course. 

Natawa ako nang pagak kasabay nang pagtulo ng aking mga luha. I don’t even know why I was crying is it because he just rejected me? Or is it because the fact that I am already the kind of woman that every guy is looking for and yet he still doesn’t want me? 

“Ha! Friends?! That's what you can offer?! I liked you since I was in 10th grade! Hindi pa man tayo magkaklase noon ay gustong-gusto na kita! Tapos si Lexie na kaka-break lang sa boyfriend niya ay kayo na ngayon?” Hindi ko mapigilang sumbat. Bakit ako hanggang kaibigan lang? Pero bakit si Lexie na ginawang miserable ang buhay ko noon ay kaya niyang bigyan ng higit pa sa pagkakaibigan? 

“Umuwi ka na, Mona.” He dismissed, obviously not wanting to talk about my feelings for him. 

Mariin akong umiling. I’m not gonna back down. Naumpisahan ko na, tatapusin ko na. It is what it is. 

“No! Ano ba'ng meron kay Lexie na wala ako? I'm better than that bitch, Colton! Kayang-kaya ko pang lampasan ang mga ibinibigay niya sa'yo... please, Colton... Choose me. Ako na lang…” I cried, sounding so pathetic and desperate. Once again, I felt like the old fat Mona who never win, never gets picked, but always gets neglected. 

Why can’t I always win? Bakit pa parati akong hindi napipili kahit halos gawin ko na ang lahat? 

“Mona, just get the fuck out, please!” Colton firmly said, pointing at their gate. 

“Stop dismissing me! I'm so fucking done with you pushing me away! Lexie is no good for you, Colton. She'll just toy you!” 

Colton shot me a sarcastic look.  Kahit kailan ay hindi pa niya ako tiningnan nang ganyan, ngayon lang. 

“Exactly, Mona. Lexie just wants to play around and so do I. She'll just toy me? That's fine. We'll toy each other then. Ngayon, umuwi ka na dahil hindi ako pumapatol sa mga babaeng hindi marunong maglaro.” Mariin bawat mga salitang kanyang binitawan. Hindi na ako nakasagot dahil alam ko, talo na naman ako. 

“Mona!” 

Natigilan ako nang may pamilyar na sasakyan ang tumigil sa gilid ko. Nang ikiling ko ang ulo ko upang tingnan kung sino ang nasa loob ng nakakababang bintana ng driver’s seat ay napaawang ang bibig ko nang makita ko si Ciel.

He was staring at me, firmly and wearing that hard to read expression once again. 

I clenched my jaw as my livid tears began falling hard and nonstop. My heart ached and burned the moment I met those pair of deep brown eyes.

I noticed how his features soften the moment he saw me cry. He hopped out from his car right away to immediately approach me. 

He cupped my face, catching my gaze. I wanted to scream at him and push him away but the way those deep brown eyes softly stares at me leaves me to become defenseless. 

“What happened, huh? Bakit ka umiiyak? Tell me…” And the moment I heard his low voice strained with softness, I fucking lost it. Humagulgol na ako sa harapan niya. 

“Fuck!” He let out a pained hiss. “Tangina, h’wag ka namang umiyak nang ganyan, Mona… I can’t stand seeing you like this! Ano ba ang nangyari, huh? Baby, tell me… Bakit ka umiiyak?” Buong suyo niyang sabi at hindi alam kung susuklayin ba niya ang buhok ko gamit ang mga daliri niya o pupunasan niya ang mga luha ko gamit ang likod ng kanyang palad. 

Mas lalo lang akong naiyak dahil sa ginagawa niya. 

“B-Bakit parati niyo na lang akong inaayawan, Ciel? Y-You rejected me before because I was fat and outcast! A-At ngayon namang payat at maganda na ako, ngayong kaya ko nang sumabay, i-inayawan pa rin ako ni Colton… Ano pa ba’ng gusto niyong gawin ko para piliin niyo ‘ko?! Ano pa ba’ng kulang sa’kin?!” I ranted in between my sobs. 

Despite my vision being blurred because of my tears, I could still see him intently looking at me. 

I heard him pushed a little sigh before totally wiping blurred with tears eyes. Tahimik niyang hinaplos ang mukha ko gamit ang kanyang magkabilang palad, as if he’s trying to calm me with every gentle touch and caress of his palm on my cheeks. 

I was just staring at him, slightly hicupping and gasping because of how hard I cried just a few seconds ago. When he finally calmed me and there were no longer tears are streaming down my face, he caught my chin in between his fingers, looking at me straight in the eyes. 

“Mona…” The way his low voice embrace every syllable of my name makes my stomach stir. 

“I didn’t say fat, I said coward. Mona, I pushed you away not because you are fat and not beautiful enough… I pushed you away because I wanted you to have the courage to step in and draw a line, I pushed you away because I wanted you to realize that you deserve more than what you are trying to give yourself. All I wanted was for you realize your worth, that you are not just a background because you are the whole theater, Mona.” He said in full sincerity, making him sound almost whispering. 

 A faint yet painful smile drew across his lips. “You’ve always been beautiful, Mona… that’s the truth that the society never allowed you to see.” He said. 

My lips began to shake as I look at him, listening to every word he say that has never failed to penetrate my heart and soul. 

“Mona, you don’t have to change a thing in you just to gain a person’s heart. That’s a form of underestimation of love… Love isn’t all about the beautiful parts. Love is a combination of all the beautiful and ugly, the perfects and all the imperfects. You don’t have to do anything or change a thing in you just because you wanted to be loved... the right person will always come and he will adore every inch of you, even the parts that you hated the most.” 

I looked at him as another fresh batch of tears began falling from my eyes, they were different from the pained and livid tears that I’ve been crying a few moments ago… Because these tears were now a combination of happy, appreciated, and overwhelmed tears. 

He’s the only one who can see the things that the world and even I, myself, failed to see in me.

I looked at him, smiling softly amidst the overflowing tears from my eyes. “You and your words never failed to infiltrate every bit of me…”  I whispered, sincerely before taking a brave step to close the gap between us, wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my face on his firm chest, inhaling every inch of his divine scent. 

He didn’t disappoint me because he wrapped his arms tightly around me right away with no hesitation. 

 “Ciel… Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko kung wala ka.” I cried, completely letting my armor fall. 

He gently stroked my back and my hair down to my nape, burying his face on the side of my neck. Mas lalo kong hinigpitan ang yakap ko sa kanya, I don’t care if we’re outside the Ponce de Leons house. They have tall walls, they won’t see us… and even if they do, I don’t care because all I care about is how perfect it feels to be wrapped inside his arms. 

______________________________

You can use #tfac15 see you on twittah hehe