A/N: hey, so it's literally been over two years with literally only one chapter and the epilogue left. only i would do something like that smh. i'll be honest, i quickly reread it so i'd remember what was happening, but i'm still kinda unsure what i had originally planned for the end lol. i'm so sorry, i don't know if anyone is still reading this but if you are, hi! ily! and this story is finally over lmaooo just the epilogue now so i'll post that soon after this once i'm done writing it. i hope you're not too mad about the ending, but there will still be an epilogue so don't worry! love you<3

Chapter 40: "Okay, let's talk."

"I don't know what to say," Dad said.

My mouth opened and closed and opened again, and my breathing was getting rapidly faster and heavier. I didn't know what to say either. I couldn't say anything. I physically couldn't get the words out.

"Babes, are you oka-" Luke's voice abruptly cut off. "Whoa. What?"

My dad looked a million times more old and grey than he was the last time I saw him, but all I could see was someone who abandoned me at a time when I needed him the most. "Jordan," he said, and then sighed.

My body was trembling so hard and fast that I could hear my teeth chattering. I so badly wanted to run away but I felt frozen in place, like someone had glued my feet to the floor and my arms to my sides. My mind kept repeating oh God, oh God, oh God over and over and over again. "L-L-Lu-" I was trying to say Luke's name. I blinked, and could feel tears flowing down my face without my permission.

"Beautiful," Luke said, in a slightly panicked voice. I felt his hands on my shoulders and he turned me around to face him. I used practically all of my willpower to look up at him, and he used one hand to wipe the tears off my face. I leant my face into his hand and breathed in. His presence had an almost immediate calming effect on me. "Breathe, baby," he said quietly. "In, out, in, out." I matched my breathing to the tempo of his words, and very slowly I felt my shaking simmer down.

What just happened to me? My heart was still rocketing around in my chest as I closed my eyes and leant against Luke's chest, trying to untangle my thoughts.

He pulled me closer and said, "Jordan, go upstairs, okay?"

I nodded into his chest, because I really couldn't imagine saying a single word. I couldn't imagine looking that old man in the face and communicating anything at all to him without this same exact thing happening to me again. It was like my mind was in a standstill even though my body was in fight or flight mode.

"Wait, Jordan-" I could vaguely hear my dad say, but I ignored it and ran to my room. I could hear voices floating from downstairs, so I jumped into bed and buried my head under my pillow, smashing my hands against my ears so I wouldn't be able to hear anything but my own thoughts.

This couldn't be happening. This wasn't happening to me right now. I've had this buried deep down within me for so many months, and I did not want to face it. I didn't feel like I actually could face it without having another breakdown.

I could feel my hands start to shake again. What was I supposed to do now? There was nothing I had done emotionally or mentally to prepare for this. Couldn't I just let Seth deal with it? He was the adult here. I didn't have to worry about anything, right?

Right?

That wasn't the case, and I knew that.

I was so deep in my thoughts that I didn't feel the bed dip beside me until Luke's face was right next to mine. "Hey there," he said softly. "He's gone, for now."

I turned slightly to face him, and he put his arm under my neck so I could cuddle up against him. "What happened?"

Luke's usually playful demeanour seemed somber, which was always so weird for me to see. "Nothing really. He just said he wanted to talk to you and Seth, and I said he'd have to find a better time to come by. So he left."

"Thank you," I whispered. I didn't know what I would do without him. "Where is Seth?"

"Seth and Marie are still sleeping, I don't think they heard anything."

"Good. God." I groaned and smacked my head against Luke's chest. "What am I supposed to do Luke? I don't know what to do or what to say to him. I don't know what to feel." I could feel myself getting panicked again, and I wasn't sure why I was freaking out so badly over this, but I also knew exactly why.

"I'm sorry, beautiful." He began stroking my hair, and his comforting touch helped to calm me down a little. "Is there anything you want me to do?"

"I don't know," I said. And I didn't. "Stay with me."

"You know I always will," he says.

I breathe deeply, and feel my eyes fill up with tears again. "I don't have to forgive him, do I?"

"Definitely not now, and not ever if you don't want to. Work on talking to him first, yeah?"

"Yeah, I guess," I said. It felt like a mission to even say those few words. I felt tired, right down to my bones, down to my very core I was tired. "I don't want to talk anymore, not right now."

"Of course, my love, you should go to sleep."

"I should go to sleep," I repeated. That sounded like it was a good idea.

***

I felt myself jolt awake in a panic. It was really dark in my room, and I moved around wildly for a second when I couldn't feel Luke next to me until I found him. I clutched onto his arms, forgetting that he also must be asleep.

"Beautiful," he mumbled. "Are you awake?"

My mind was still a little hazy from the nap, but I was awake enough to smile at the sound of his voice. "I'm awake. I'm really sorry, I woke you up, didn't I?"

"No, honey buns, it's fine," he said with a sleepy grin on his face, and reached out to grab me. "You okay?"

"Who knows, at this point." I try to sound lighthearted, but even I can hear in my voice how uncertain and scared I am.

Luke kissed my cheek. "We'll figure it out. We just have to talk through this first, don't we? Do you want to go find Seth?"

"Maybe later," I said. "I just want to cuddle right now."

He kissed the top of my head and nodded, throwing one of his legs across my waist. "In that case, my ass is going straight back to sleep." He nestled his face against my neck and within the next couple minutes he was fast asleep.

"How you asleep already?" I muttered, feeling a bit jealous. I waited for a few minutes, and once his grip loosened, I gently shimmied out of his arms.

He had momentarily kept me calm, but now that I was awake by myself I had way too much time to think about what had happened and what I was supposed to do about it.

I sat on the side of the bed and let my head fall into my hands. Jeez. I checked my phone and saw that it was just about nine at night. That nap felt nice in the moment but now I was wide awake and probably wouldn't be able to go to sleep until two or three in the morning.

Seth and Marie probably were awake now, or maybe they were putting the babies to sleep. Should I find and talk to them right now or later? And what would I even say to them?

I breathed deeply to calm myself, and used every ounce of my willpower to get up and shuffle out of the room. I walked over to Seth's old room where he and Marie were staying, but when I couldn't hear them through the door, I went downstairs.

I heard the low thrum of T.V. voices, so I peeped my head inside the living room and saw Marie sitting on the sofa with Seth's head on her lap.

I should leave them alone right now. I shouldn't bother them when they were tired from the flight and probably just wanted to relax. Maybe I could just go back to sleep and when we all woke up in the morning we could deal with it.

"Jordan?"

Oh jeez, Marie noticed me. "What's up? How are you two feeling?" I asked.

"Pretty tired," Seth said. "Why don't you come join us? Where's Luke?"

"He's sleeping." Seth had gotten up, so I sat next to them on the sofa and leant my head on his shoulder. "The babies asleep?"

"Yeah, they're cuddling next to each other," Marie said, cooing. "It's so cute, Carly put one arm around Theo in her sleep!"

Sometimes, I really wished I was at the stage of my life that Seth and Marie were at. I was tired of being in that awkward adolescent stage where I wasn't quite an adult yet, but I still had a lot of responsibilities. It was such a pain to have no idea what was going on with my life but to have so much expected from me.

"You're sighing like you wanna say something," Seth said, nudging me with his elbow. "Is there anything wrong?"

I didn't say anything, I just held onto his arm and tried blinking back the tears that had escaped from my eyeballs without my permission. If I tried to say anything, I would choke up, and if I choked up, I would cry like a baby and I wasn't sure I had the energy to go through that right now.

"Jordan, what's the matter? I thought you would be bouncing off the walls now that you're back home."

"I'm fine," I said, but my tone was snippy, and I immediately felt bad about it. "Sorry. I'm just tired."

Marie peeked around at me. "You sure, sweetie? You can talk to us about anything, you know." She reached over Seth to grab my hands and squeezed tightly. She was such a motherly being that when she did that, I felt myself relax.

"I know," I said in as grateful tone as I could muster. "Maybe later."

"Okay, sweetie, we're all ears whenever you need us. Right, Seth?" She patted his thigh and he nodded in agreement, reaching out a hand to stroke my hair.

In that moment, I felt okay, because even though before it felt like I was on my own, I did have a family who loved me. No matter who was missing at the moment.

"Dad came by," I said, my voice almost silent. I shuddered once, but took a deep breath in and out. "Luke sent him away because I had a panic attack, but I think he'll come back later."

Seth and Marie didn't say anything for almost a whole minute, and I thought they hadn't heard me. But then Seth turned off the T.V. and faced me. "What did he want?" he asked. I couldn't really understand the look on his face, and his voice didn't give away any emotion.

"He just wanted to talk to us. I don't know. I'm not really sure. I don't-" I shut my mouth before I could start babbling.

"Okay," Seth said. His brow furrowed. "You don't have to if you don't want to. I can talk to him first."

"Please," was all I managed to get out. It was getting harder to breathe again at the thought of Dad coming back here. I bit my lip so hard that it hurt, but Marie squeezed my hand again and I relaxed my body. My mind was still in a whir, though, every last second of the past few months playing through my head, every time I was tired or cried or upset and Dad wasn't there, every time I wanted to hug Mom but she was gone.

Seth put an arm around me and hugged me tightly, one hand stroking my hair. "Don't worry. When he comes back, I'll talk to him. You don't have to worry. It's okay."

I kept my head buried in Seth's chest until I was sure that I wasn't going to cry, and then I stood up. "I love you two," I said. I bent down to hug them both. "I'm going back to bed."

"Have you eaten anything?" Marie asked worriedly. "Luke left some food in the fridge for us. You should have some."

I shook my head and smiled. Of course Luke did, he was probably the most considerate human being that had ever existed. "I'm not hungry. I'll eat tomorrow."

She frowned at me but didn't argue any further, and I so took that as my cue to leave. I tiptoed back to my room and peeked inside. It still looked like Luke was sleeping, which was good because I worried that I might wake him up.

I carefully eased myself onto the bed and back into his arms, trying not to make any loud noises. I still wasn't tired, but Luke was really warm and really comfy and exactly what I needed after almost having another breakdown in the living room.

"I love you," I whispered to him. He was honestly the cutest person in the whole world, and that was an objective fact. I could see his long eyelashes and his adorable pouty expression that he always made when he slept. I kissed his cheek and almost squealed out loud when he smiled in his sleep.

It was hard sometimes to fathom how much love I had for this human being. It was an indescribable feeling to love one person so much, in such a way that you could almost physically feel how much they were healing you.

I was extremely lucky to have someone like him to support me and care for me the way he did. I could only hope that he felt the same way about me, because I wanted to make him feel as loved as he made me feel. There was no way that I could've dealt with this whole thing with Dad and Mom and Theo without him. I most definitely would have lost it a long time ago.

"I love you," I whispered again. "Love you, love you, love you, love you."

"I love you, Jordan," he mumbled. I watched his face carefully to see if he had woken up, but he hadn't. He had just spoken in his sleep, and that made me smile.

Cutie pie.

***

I woke up to the sound of slightly raised voices coming from downstairs. Luke and I were still cuddled together on the bed, but the covers were thrown onto the floor, and Luke was half on top of me. He was still sleeping. How was he sleeping? It had been more than twelve hours.

"Babes, wake up," I said, poking his face. "You're crushing me with your nine hundred pound body."

"Nine hundred pounds of hotness," he said sleepily. He yawned loudly, stretching his limbs out are far as he could, almost knocking me off the bed.

"True," I said, rolling over so that I was on top of him. He smiled goofily up at me and laced his fingers through my hair, pulling my head down so he could kiss me.

"I love you!" he sang.

"I love you, too." I smiled, but then I heard a shout from downstairs and my smile slid off my face. "What's that?"

"I don't know," Luke said with a frown. "Should we check?"

I bit my lip. I was feeling happy for a short moment, but I think I knew what was going on downstairs. "I don't know." My eyes began to fill up with tears again, and I wanted to strangle my own self for being such a pansy baby.

"Beautiful, it's okay," he said, rubbing one of his thumbs across my cheek. "Do you want me to go check first?"

I shake my head. "No, you don't have to. Maybe go home for a bit, and I'll come find you when I'm ready? I want to see your parents and the babies. I miss them."

"And they really miss you too, beautiful," he assured me. "But are you sure? I can stay and take you if you want me to."

"I do want you to stay, but I think maybe I should deal with this on my own first." I really wanted him to stay, but I knew if he did, I would end up just letting him do all the talking. He had my best interests at heart, but his overprotective nature would just keep me from doing what I needed to at this moment. That was, if what was going on downstairs was what I thought.

"You're right." Luke looked a bit down, so I kissed him on the cheek and stood up, pulling him with me and giving him a hug. "Call me when you can, okay? I have the day off work today."

"I will, I promise. Let me just get changed really quick, and then we can go downstairs." I felt disgusting after being on the plane yesterday and sleeping in the same clothes all night.

"Can I join you?"

I swatted at him, but he dodged me and smacked my butt. "Luke, quit it!" I laughed, jumping away from him, because if I let him grab me again we would never end up going downstairs.

Inside my bathroom, I realized how absolutely horrendous I looked, and I wondered how the hell Luke still could hold me like that when I actually looked like I had gotten hit by a train. My hair was a gigantic, tangled nest, my eyes were bloodshot and had dark circles underneath, and I just had a kind of haggard look to me that wasn't pleasing in the slightest.

"I'm going to take a shower, Luke!" I called through the door. Thankfully, there was still a bit of bodywash and shampoo and conditioner leftover from the last time I was here a few months ago.

Once I showered and changed as quickly as I could, I braided my hair and wrapped it into a bun. "Babes, you ready?" Luke yelled.

"Yeah, one sec!" I opened the door to see Luke sitting on the floor right in front of the bathroom. "What are you doing?" I asked, amused.

"I was trying to see if you would trip and end up falling for me again." He flashed me his signature goofy grin and I laughed, shaking my head. I held out my hands for him to grab, and he pulled himself up off the ground with absolutely no held from me.

I couldn't hear anything going on downstairs, which I couldn't decide was worse or better. I couldn't hear anybody speaking, which meant I had no idea what to expect.

"Jordan, do you want me to leave out the back door?"

"No, dude, you don't have to hide, just go out through the front. It's up to you whether you want to say bye or just avoid it."

"I'll just say bye to the babies and Seth and Marie," he said with a smile. "Let's go find them."

"I bet you Marie and the babies and in their room," I said. I took his hand and we walked down the hallway and knocked on the room door.

"Come in," Marie said, her voice muffled by the door. I could hear the white noise machine playing, which meant that Carly and Theo were sleeping. "Good morning!'

I opened the door and peeked inside to see Marie on the bed on her phone, Theo with his pacifier in, and Carly fast asleep. "I'm sorry you had to take care of both of them last night," I said, suddenly feeling guilty for not having thought of that before. "I should've remembered to come take a night shift."

"It's okay, honey, you needed a rest," she said, smiling warmly. "Good morning, Lucas, how was your night?"

"Morning, Marie," he said and smiled. "It was great! I'm leaving now, so I just wanted to come in and say bye. I'll come see you all in a bit." He crouched down and made baby noises at Theo, causing him to chuckle, which made the pacifier fall out of his mouth. Luke gave him back the pacifier and kissed him on top of the head, and I promise you that my heart practically fell out of my chest at the sight of it. He would be such a good dad. "Bye bye, babies," he cooed, ruffling Theo's hair and then gently kissing the sleeping Carly on the head. "Bye, Marie!"

"See you later, Lucas! Take care."

Luke and I walked out of the room and downstairs, and when we couldn't immediately find Seth, I told Luke to just get going for now and come back later. "I'll see you soon, so don't worry too much, okay?" I said, ruffling his hair.

"Of course I'm going to worry about you. You are too precious to not worry about." He bent down to my eye level and placed his hands on either side of my face. "And if you need anything at all, you call me immediately, okay? Immediately."

"I'm not used to you being so serious," I joked. When his stern expression didn't change, I dropped the fake smile and nodded. "I will, you know I will."

"Good. I love you."

"I love you, too, Luke. But you should go now, okay?"

"Okay, beautiful." He kissed me on the forehead and opened the front door to leave. I felt sad as I watched him walk backwards towards his car, waving at me and making weird faces. But I was literally going to see him that same day so I needed to relax and stop being so clingy. "Bye, I love you!" he screamed as he got into the car.

I smiled and waved. "I love you too!" I called. I waited until he had driven away before I closed the door, but through the window I could see there was another car parked next to the house. I sighed. I knew it.

But I couldn't hear anything, so I had no idea where Seth was. I looked in the living room, the dining room, and finally in the kitchen, I saw two men standing on opposite sides of the counter, avoiding each others' eyes. I wondered how long they'd been sitting in silence like that, but it was too awkward for me to wait much longer.

"Seth?" Both Seth and Dad's eyes snapped towards me, and before my dad could even move, Seth was already in front of me, as if he was protecting me.

"Me and Dad have already talked, so you don't have to if you don't want to," Seth said to me.

"Seth, don't say that. I need to talk to Jordan," Dad said. He looked exhausted, worse than I had this morning, but better than he looked when I saw him yesterday. He was wearing clean clothes, and looked like he had showered.

"You don't need to," Seth said angrily. "We've already talked about this. You have no idea what you put Jordan through, and if she doesn't want anything to do with you, you have to accept that!"

"It's okay, Seth" I said quietly. At least I wasn't having a full on panic attack. I kept Mom in the back of my mind too keep me calm.

Dad looked at me pleadingly, his hands clasped together. He looked like he was on the verge of tears. "Jordan," he said, in the most broken voice I had ever heard. I tried to pretend like I didn't hear it, but it was really difficult to hear your dad sound like that. "Jordan, I just need a chance to talk."

Seth held onto my arm and looked Dad straight in the eyes. "If she doesn't want to talk about something, she doesn't want to. You're going to be patient until she's ready. Don't push her." He put his hands on my shoulders and turned me around to face him. "Jordan, I'll be in the other room. You call me if you need anything, okay?"

"Okay," I said, my lip trembling. I wanted to tell him to stay, but I knew I wouldn't be able to speak with him there. I would probably just cry. "You can go, I'll be fine."

Seth looked at me for a long time, and then nodded. "Call me if you need me." He gave Dad one last, hard stare, and then walked out of the kitchen.

"I just want to talk to you," he said, pleading. "Please, just talk to me. That's all I'm asking for."

I didn't want to give in. He didn't deserve that much grace from me. He had no idea what I'd been through the past few months since he'd left.

But I also had no idea what he'd been through. No matter what he'd done wrong, I could still remember all that he'd done right in my life. And I missed my dad. I honestly, really, truly did. I'd already given up so much, I wasn't sure how much more loss my heart could take.

Was I going to give up my dad for what he'd done?

I heard Luke's voice echoing in my head, reminding me that there was no obligation for me to forgive my dad, and that I could take my first step in healing by talking to him first. I couldn't continue my growth without that. I heard Luke's voice saying he loved me, and that gave me strength.

"Okay Dad, let's talk."