A/N: I'm sorry the past few chapters haven't been as light-hearted. 

Chapter 31: "You don't have to be ready."

"Beautiful," came the only voice I was willing to hear. 

I was seated on my bed, my legs dangling over the edge and my hands wrapped around my body when Luke opened the door. His warm hazel eyes found me curling into myself, and he immediately strode over to me.

"Hey, babe," I said softly.

Luke sat down beside me and pulled me into his lap. I instantly rested my head against his chest and breathed in his comforting scent. "We have to leave in five minutes," he said hesitantly, obviously not wanting to rush me.

I blinked rapidly and breathed in. Today was my mother's funeral, and my father had yet to show his face. "I'm not ready," I whispered.

His strong hands rubbed my back soothingly. I leant into his warmth as he pressed his forehead against mine. My eyes fluttered shut and I took in another breath. "Oh baby, you don't have to be ready," he said. No, 'it's alright,' or, 'it's going to be okay,' just complete and utter acceptance. Because that was how it was with Luke and I - just love and kindness and acceptance.

I loved that about him; that he could just hold me and tell me everything he felt without any words. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face into his neck.

I blinked again. "Luke," I said, my voice beginning to tremble. I had spent three hours just sitting down, trying not to cry, trying to give myself a pep talk. But it hadn't worked. "Luke, I miss her so much." I squeezed my eyes shut, but still felt the tears oozing out.

Luke's hands came up and he cupped my face, using his thumbs to rub gently under my eyes. I saw tenderness in his hazel eyes, and I saw love. I wondered how I had managed to not notice such an obvious look for so long.

I sniffed once and gulped. Mum's drained face popped into my mind, and her cheerful smile, and her loving words. My breath caught in my throat and I let it out in one shaky go.

"Jordan, you are the most wonderful girl I have ever met - you're beautiful and you're kind and you're so strong...don't beat yourself up for being sad. It's okay to be sad."

His words comforted me and made me feel like I wasn't such a bad person after all. "I am sad," I said quietly.

"But you can make it through today, because you're strong. And I'm not going to leave your side, okay?"

I nodded and kissed his warm cheek. "I love you."

He smiled at me. "I love you, too."

"No," I said to him. "I love you." There was a difference between what he probably thought I meant and what I actually meant. He probably thought I meant it lightly, in a passing way that didn't really matter to me. As if I only used him to make myself feel better.

That wasn't how I meant it to be, because funeral or no funeral, Luke taken my heart and was now holding it gently in his hands. I was so scared that he would drop it, or even give it back. I was scared that he'd get tired of its weight.

But I was learning to trust and learning to love again, and it was all thanks to Luke. Not mushy-gushy, lovey-dovey, I'd-die-without-you love. More like 'hold me as tightly as you can and never let go' kind of love.

The kind that made your heart race every second you were with them. The kind that made your face flush to the tips of yours ears. The kind that was fast and furious and you couldn't be sure where it would end up, but you had faith that you would make it out.

With Luke, things were easy. With Luke, I could be myself and tell him I loved him without any consequences. "I love you, Luke," I repeated, somehow desperate for him to understand.

And he just nodded and said, "I know, beautiful. I love you too."

We smiled at each other and I leant up to press a kiss to his mouth. When we pulled back, my heart was racing and my face was flushed, and I could see a bit of my lip gloss shining on Luke's swollen lips.

I smiled slightly and used my thumb to clean it off. "I think I'm ready now," I said, after closing my eyes for a moment.

Luke nodded, and his eyes shone. "The second you need to leave, you tell me and we're out of there."

I jumped off of his lap and automatically reached for his hand. Months of pretending to be his fake girlfriend had made every gesture natural and comfortable, but now it was all the more meaningful. His fingers threaded through mine, and I pulled him along behind me as we marched downstairs.

Marie was seated at the kitchen table, Carly in one carseat and Theo in another. Marie, Seth, and Carly had arrived early this morning, but I'd had yet the chance to tell them where Dad was. They assumed he'd come back and was taking care of Theo, since that was what I told them over the phone.

I didn't know how to tell my big brother that his father was a gigantic shithead.

When Marie saw us, she scrubbed at her eyes furiously. She had bags, and her eyes had red rims. She looked absolutely knackered. "Ready?" she asked, her voice hoarse, whether from crying or sleepiness, I couldn't tell.

My mouth downturned in a frown and I walked over to her. I let go of Luke's hand and encased her in a hug. It was much easier to do so, considering she was almost down to her pre-pregnancy size. "We're ready," I said into her hair.

She hugged me back and we felt frail around each other - both small and sad females. When I let go, her face had cleared somewhat. "Theo looks like you and her," she said.

I looked at my baby brother and agreed. He had Mum's and my dark hair and blue eyes, except his face seemed more like that man who'd provided the sperm.

At that moment, Seth stomped into the kitchen, his face tight with exhaustion and sadness. I was so sick of all the upset - it was making me feel ill. But how could I blame them? God, I'm so horrible.

"Danny," Seth said through clenched teeth. "Where is Dad?"

My body stilled for a moment before I clenched my fists and took a deep breath. I'd lied to him, and it seemed like he'd finally caught on. Curious, considering how Dad had never answered any of my family's phone calls, including from Molly and her parents.

"Don't start this right before we leave, please, babe," Marie pleaded, walking over and putting a hand on his forearm. He softened almost imperceptibly, but his furious glare remained fully intact.

I looked away, because I couldn't bear to see the other emotion I could see on his face heartbreak. I'd had enough of that.

"Beautiful," Luke whispered. "Let's go."

***


The funeral was completely horrible. Either people were crowding around Seth and I, giving us their condolences, or they were huddled in groups, sobbing. Rita's pale face with Brandon's arm tight around his shoulders almost made me sob when I went to greet them. She'd lost her best friend, and I'd lost my mum.

I couldn't stand the whole procession, mainly because I didn't even know half the people there. The speeches some of them gave were sweet, but it made it that much harder to keep myself from crying into Luke's shoulder.

Since I kept Theo with me the entire time, everyone wanted a look at the child who'd taken his mother's life. I didn't see it that way anymore, so at the ignorant words of some of the guests, I couldn't control my fury. Luke had to restrain me on more than one occasion.

The worst part, though? All of them asking about Dad's whereabouts. What was I supposed to tell them? That he'd run off because he couldn't handle the pressure?

Yeah, okay. And then let me be sent off to Social Services and Theo be carted off to foster care. I wouldn't let that happen because I'd grown close to the little bogey. His sweet smiles and awkward gurgling were enough for me to overlook how he kept me up at night and how he screamed unnecessarily.

When Randy and Leo spotted me and pelted towards Luke and I, that was when I burst into tears. Randy's familiar flowery scent was tickling my nose and made me cry harder as I hugged her tightly. Leo and Luke were standing off to the side, but then Randy extended her hand and they encased us with their hard, warm bodies.

I felt Randy's own tears drop onto my shoulder as she said, "Oh, Danny," over and over again. We were all one big cluster of teenagers, all grieving with each other. I didn't want to ever let go of them, because those three people were the ones who meant the world to me.

When we finally all let go of each other, I realised Seth was waiting for me, his arms crossed and a stern expression on his face. I had missed my brother, but I really wasn't ready for a talk about why I had lied to him about our dad.

Even though I didn't want to, I waved goodbye to Randy and Leo and gave Luke a quick kiss before I trudged over to Seth. On the way over, I picked up Theo's carseat, where he had fallen asleep. I stared at the smooth planes of his face and wished I could be as young and innocent as him.

Seth led me outside of the hall we had rented and into the gardens. I couldn't look at the bright green without remembering that Mum loved the springtime. "Danny," he began softly. "Tell me the truth. Where's Dad?"

I looked away and bit my tongue hard. Should I tell him? "I don't know," I finally said. It was an honest answer, at least. "He hasn't answered any of my phone calls."

I could tell Seth had been crying, although he tried to hide it. At my words, his mouth stretched into a thin line. "Are you telling me that you've been taking care of a newborn yourself? Jordan, you're practically a child yourself!"

"I'm not a child," I snapped, my fists clenching up. "I'm not letting Theo go into foster care, Seth!"

"And he doesn't have to. Why didn't you tell me? I could've helped you!"

I stayed silent. I didn't want to tell him because I knew he would claim responsibility. I knew how hard it was to take care of a baby, and Marie already had to deal with Carly. I didn't want to burden them.

"Tell me, Danny! I'm your big brother, for God's sakes! Do you even understand how helpless it makes me feel to know how much you've suffered these past months and that I haven't done anything to fix it?"

"I never told you. It's not your fault," I said, almost silently.

"Hell it is! Goddammit, Danny, you're not even eighteen yet, you shouldn't have that kind of responsibility at this age."

His voice rose with every word until he was practically shouting. I stayed quiet while he spoke, my body shaking. He sounded so hurt that it made my heart ache. "I'm sorry," I said inaudibly, while he breathed heavily. "I just...I didn't know what else t-to d-d-do."

Without another word, Seth opened his arms and I ran into his embrace, his familiar hug making a flood of memories enter my mind. Seth had always watched over me, kind of like a dad since ours wasn't too good. His hug reminded me of Mum, and the thought of her made me take deep gulps of air.

"I'm sorry," I said again.

"I'm sorry I never noticed," he replied. "But you know what this means, right, Danny?"

I pulled back and looked at him. "What?" I asked. His solemn face was worrying me.

"You and Theo have to come back with us to New York."

I stilled, my mind freezing. "W-what?"

"Jordan, I can't leave you here alone. It's not fucking legal! You're still seventeen and Theo's just a baby!"

"I'll be eighteen in May!"

"That's in three months. A lot can happen in that time, Jordan! Someone could find out about you, and you'd get into even worse legal trouble!"

My face began to flush and Luke and Randy and Leo's faces popped into my mind. "Take Theo, not me. Please, Seth. I'm so close, goddammit!"

"You know I can't do that Danny! I've left you alone for so long, I can't let you be alone anymore."

"I'm not alone, I have Randy and Leo! And I have Luke!" I finally had him, and now I had to leave him?

"Danny, if this is about the Tarrones, it's just three months. It seems like a long time, but it's really not. I promise as soon as you turn eighteen, you can go wherever you want to!"

"What about the musical?" I asked, desperately clutching at straws for a way out.

"It opens when, next week? I'm going to give you that long to come with us. We're going to take Theo, but you can come as soon as your last performance is over."

My whole body joined my hands in shaking. My mind flashed to Luke; to his loving smile and his gorgeous face and his warm hazel eyes. I could feel his mouth, soft and hard on mine, his fingers, gentle and scorching; the way he held me like he never wanted to let go, how he teased me about everything I did, the way he looked at me like I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen.

Luke had taught me how to love, and how to get over a broken heart. He'd healed me in his own way, and I'd fallen in the best and worst way. The way that felt like a dream but you could wake up at any moment.

It was only three months. I could make it.