Chapter 12: "I promise I'll do anything for you, no matter what."

I swallowed, but my throat was so dry that it got stuck. Mum was staring at me with tired blue eyes and Luke was completely still at my side.

"Pregnant?" I repeated weakly, forcing myself to stay calm and collected. Mum always relied on me keeping my cool in order for her to keep her cool. And now, she needed that more than anything.

Mum nodded. "Yes. Pregnant."

I watched her strained features warily. "This isn't some sort of sick joke to cover up that it's actually Rita pregnant, right?" Because let's face it, that woman was more fertile than a chicken.

The front door opened and we all turned to see Brandon walk in, a solemn look on his creased face. He looked at me, and there was so much sympathy in his eyes that I couldn't bear to look at him.

"It's definitely me, Jordan," Mum affirmed quietly.

"But-" I stopped and took a deep breath. As if sensing that I needed some sort of comfort, Luke stepped closer to me and took my hand. I couldn't let go of that lifeline even if I wanted to. His rough hand was the only thing I could focus on.

"Jordy," he spoke softly, tightening his grip on me.

That was all the reassurance I needed, and I straightened up. "Mum. How?" I paused again. "Actually, no, I don't want to know how. But...oh, Mum."

It hit me like a punching bag and I sagged heavily against Luke. Immediately, his arm came around me to keep me on my feet and I blinked several times to keep my eyes from becoming glassy.

Seth was an illegitimate child. Mum had him when she was seventeen, and because of that, Dad married her to take responsibility and because his dad, my Poppy, wouldn't have let him have his inheritance. But Seth was a problem baby, and as he came out, something happened to rip my mum's womb.

She almost died.

And then, a few years later, she got me, and refused to have an abortion even though Dad begged her to. She was so close to dying that apparently her heart stopped beating for two minutes before the doctors could revive her.

But another baby? She didn't stand a chance.

"You went to the doctor's, right? That's why you were so late?" She nodded. "How far along are you?"

"Five weeks," she replied so softly that it was barely audible.

"Mum, please..." I started to say, but already knew what she would say.

"No, Jordan!" she snapped in a very sharp voice. "I didn't abort you, and I'm definitely not aborting this baby!"

I took a shaky step forward. "But Mum-"

"Jordan!"

I stilled and flinched backwards. Luke's ever-present warmth tugged me against his back. "Okay," I whispered. "Okay, Mum, I'll support you, but what are you going to tell Dad?" He'd never wanted children - we were just a burden. If it wasn't for my mum, I wouldn't exist.

Mum looked away from me, not meeting anybody's gaze. "I don't know," she said finally, her thin arms wrapping tightly around her midsection.

"You know what he'll say," I appealed. Dad would either force her to have an abortion or they would start having horrible fights. Seth told me that they almost divorced when she refused to abort me. I could never repay her for saving me, but I needed to protect her. As ditzy as the woman could be, she was my mother and she was my everything.

She swivelled around and fixed her glare on me, scaring the shite out of me. "I don't care, Jordan. I'm having this wein even if it-"

"Kills you," I faltered. "But it will, won't it?"

Rita, Brandon and Luke took that as their cue to leave, and they left my mum and I alone in the living room.

Mum took a step forward, and that was all the invitation I needed. I bounded to her and wrapped my arms around her tightly, clinging to her like a baby does to her favourite toy. "Yes," Mum replied shakily. "Yes, darling, it will."

The tears were rising so fast that I couldn't stop them, and they knocked each other over in their attempt to get out of my eyes. It was silent, but my body was shaking so much that Mum was trembling along with me.

"Mum," I moaned, burying my head into the crook of her neck like I used to when I was a little kid and Dad would yell at me for no good reason. "Mum, please."

"You know I can't, darling. You know, right?"

I did. I knew. Mum wouldn't have an abortion even if it killed her to have the kid. Which it would. "I know. God, Mum, I know."

Her hands rubbed my back soothingly, like I was the one who needed comfort, not her. I couldn't stand being so selfish when she was over here...dying. I pressed my eye closed and forced the tears to stop flowing. For these next few months, I had to be there for her, not the other way around.

I pulled away and placed my hands on Mum's thin shoulders. "I'll do anything for you," I promised. "You can count on me, I swear."

She smiled softly, making the wrinkles on her forehead even more prominent. "I know, darling. I always have, haven't I?"

I breathed out deeply and stepped away from her, because if I didn't, I might end up sobbing again, and that couldn't happen. "Just don't ever not tell me when something feels wrong or you want something, okay, Mum?" I said curtly.

That weary look in her eyes was replaced with a flash of amusement in her eyes at how detached and strict I sounded. "Okay, darling," she responded, patting my arm. "I'm going home, are you coming?"

I glanced behind me at the kids who were still clustered in a heap on the sofa. I had to get away from all these people. All I'd get was sympathy and encouragement, and I didn't want or need that shit. I could handle it myself. I had to stop being so horribly selfish, thinking about myself all the time and not worrying about people who needed it.

"I'll be around later," I sighed, not meeting her eyes.

"Jordan, just stay safe, okay?"

"You too," I replied inaudibly as she pivoted and walked away.

Eight months from now, I wouldn't see her face, wouldn't hear her awkward parental speeches. I wouldn't flinch away from her fury or hug her when she was being annoying, or whine when she tried to force Luke and I together.

I was such a selfish little brat. I had to get out of here.

"Jordan?" Rita called, entering the living room. She looked so upset, and even more so when I backed away like a cornered animal.

"Don't worry about me," I said politely, lacing my hands in front of me. "I just need to-uh-I just need to go..."

"Jordan, please," she pleaded, trying to hug me.

I cringed away, not wanting her to see the inner turmoil that was going on inside me. "It's nothing, it's no big deal," I heard myself say. It sounded impossibly aloof and cold, and made me blink harshly as I pushed past Rita.

"Luke, talk to her-"

I picked up my speed and ran out of the house, taking off down the street despite it being really late at night. I didn't care, all I could see was the way my mum skillfully hid every single upsetting emotion down under so that she thought I couldn't see. But I could see, being a master at that as well.

I could see how worried she was about me and about her unborn baby, how scared she was to tell Dad, how much she just wanted to cry from exhaustion and worry. It made me want to beat something at how self-centred I'd been before, not even noticing what was going on with her. I'd always prided myself on being observant, the person who sees and listens rather than speaks.

What a fat lot of use that was.

I stopped, almost lurching off my feet when I thought Luke wouldn't bother looking. He was like that. You gave up a good enough chase, and he'd give up. That was why he was so easy to prank when he was younger. It disgusted me that I actually hoped he'd find me. My god, what was wrong with me?

Every single overflowing emotion in me finally tipped over and I grabbed my hair roughly, my arms shaking like a bobble-head toy. I screamed. I dropped to my knees and yanked at my hair so hard that my scalp began to sting. "Stop being selfish," I scolded myself.

If anyone was to pass by, they'd deem me a crazy hobo and run as fast as they could.

"Don't, Jordan," I ordered. "Stop it, you don't deserve to be so upset! Don't be so selfish, you stupid, stupid bitch! You have to be strong for Mum, you have to be alright for her. Don't be such a goddamned baby!"

I breathed heavily, almost panting in pain, rocking back and forth on my knees, shaking like a leaf, probably looking out of my mind. I didn't even notice someone approaching until they were right in front of me.

"Don't do that, Jordy!" the person snapped gruffly, grabbing my upper arms and gripping them roughly.

"Go away, Luke," I replied venomously, feeling the self-hatred grow from letting him see me so vulnerable.

"No!"

The harshness in his voice startled me and I stared at him, wide-eyed. His face was only centimetres from mine, his nose touching mine, his breathing heavy and his gaze sharp and hurt.

He gripped me to him hard, his hands tightening on my arms like he thought I would've bolted. Which I probably would've, given the chance. "Jordan, you have to stop this," he said seriously, angrily even.

All I could focus on was that he'd called me Jordan, which showed just how serious he was being. I continued to tremble in his hold, but managed to morph my anguish into something more impassive.

"Stop hurting yourself like this, Jordan! I hate seeing you like this, do you even know how much you worry me when you try to hold the world on your shoulders?"

"It doesn't matter. I don't deserve to be so sad when it's not me dying. Do you hear that, Luke? She's dying and I can't do anything about it, and here I am crying like a selfish bastard!" I spit hardly.

His eyes softened in something that wasn't sympathy, wasn't pity, but was something that scared me much more. "You can be as strong as you want, but everybody needs someone to lean on. Even you. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad. She's your mum, Jordy. She's your mum, of course you have the right to cry. Hell, even I'd cry."

"But sh-she..." I stammered, trying to keep him in my sight, but I could feel my sight getting blurry and fuzzy.

"She'll get the closure, and you won't. If you don't stop beating yourself up like this, you'll never heal!"

Those words caused the overflowing dam of tears to burst, and suddenly I was crying like an idiot. I needed the tears to get out so that I could be strong for my mum and not have to fight tears every time I saw her. Luke's strong arms moved from my arms to my waist, and I gripped his shirt as I cried silently.

"Let me be there for you, okay? I'll do anything for you, I promise. I promise I'll do anything for you, no matter what."

I stilled in his embrace, his words catching me off guard. No, no, no, this couldn't be happening. No, please no. Was I - shit no, I couldn't. No, please, this couldn't be happening.

I promise I'll do anything for you, no matter what.

I was falling for him.


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YES I DID JUST DO THAT