"Don't you guys ever think about... Some of the stuff that happened in your relationships that weren't very... healthy?" Jasmin hated to even ask. She didn't like to think her and Jacob's relationship had really ever gotten toxic. It was a lie she told herself because they'd moved past it. She acknowledged it wasn't healthy, but she refused to call it toxic. Out loud anyways.

Connie turned off the stove and tossed the oven mitts on the counter, leaning against it as she watched the boys out of the front window sitting on the beach. "Constantly. Well, not constantly constantly. It's more like... intrusive thoughts."

"Yeah." Anna wrapped her arms around herself and sighed. "Sometimes things can be so messy. After that TokTok I haven't stopped thinking about how things used to be. Not because I regret anything just..."

"We still feel like monsters sometimes... Bring me a sours, Ni," Jasmin pleaded suddenly.

Normally someone else other than her Biscuit calling her that would irritate her, but it was all about the pronunciation that mattered. Her friends used the "Knee" variation, and Steven used "Ni" because he liked to joke she kept him safe in the dark from the monsters as his Kni-ght. She'd thought it was a space joke (Nightlight maybe?) for the longest time until he'd explained overexcitedly his reasoning. It'd been so cute she couldn't help but kiss his cheek.

A flash of him turning into a monster stopped her in her tracks and she frowned as her heart started racing. She didn't often get panic attacks, but between gem stuff and war it happened occasionally in short, paralyzing waves. "You guys wanna write a song about it?"

By the way their faces lit up, she could safely guess to just grab the champagne and Screwball before they headed downstairs.

Steven wrote a lot of his songs by shooting awake in the dead of night and grabbing for his pink mini notebook. Or, he freestyled. He had a quick enough, and abstract enough, mind that could do things like that. Hazel needed to think about it, Adam needed to extract it from his journaling. Anna was a bit similar to Steven in some ways, but for Connie and Jasmin they needed organization.

"What should we name it?" Anna drawled after the bottle had been cycled around twice.

They laughed, knowing damn well they hardly ever named their songs until the second it was about to be released. CITY OF ANGELS was an exception, but just barely.

"Okay, just say whatever comes to your minds," Anna implored. She would be able to turn their words into lyrics smoothly. Connie knew she used to write poetry back in grade school. Her piece on addiction had made her bawl her eyes out. "No thinking! Just spill!"

"Is it wrong that I kind of enjoy that we're fucked up together? I wouldn't want someone mentally sound. And I know it sounds bad but I kind of feel like my biggest problem is the fact that I can't live without Jacob."

"Hm," She grunted and after a pause wrote that down. "Keep going, no stops."

"Steven and I exchange problems. Which, is kinda terrible but I love it? We probably should worry more about our inner struggles rather than each others. But we help each other out of them."

Jasmin took a drink and sat up slowly. "I'm jealous over Jacob. Not with you guys, but with other people."

"Ugh, same. It's different sharing my partner with you guys because I know and trust you guys. But girls and guys flirt with him all the time and it makes me want to draw my sword." Connie drank until a bit ran down her cheek, and Anna licked it away. "I hate my jealous streak. I hate my aggressive streak in general. I hate the fact that I'm a workaholic and I hate the fact that I don't know when to stop sometimes. I hate that I can be so wishy washy at the most random moments. I guess there's still parts of me that want to reject his love because of Jayhawk." She'd been holding onto that for a long, long time but Anna grinned at her rant.

"Actually," She stopped short to finish writing the notes and rechecking for accuracy. "Actually, I get as annoyed with them as I do with myself. Like, it's not all us, right? Adam is really overprotective. Hazel gets really fucking mad."

"Mine does too." Connie shook her head tiredly. "Testosterone is great until it turns into anger or terror. It's not an intimidation tactic for any of our boys but it doesn't mean it doesn't suck."

"Tell me about it. Jacob doesn't ever... do what he used to do, anymore. But sometimes..." She paused and stared off into the distance blinking rapidly. "I come home. And I'll notice new cuts and scrapes on his hands and face." Jasmin sniffled a bit and her voice broke. "And he always tries to hide it. He just says it's not because of me but at least if it was he'd talk to me about it..."

"He's going to talk eventually. Whether on purpose or not." Anna and Connie rubbed her back gently.

"It almost feels like it's on purpose sometimes," said Connie, getting up to grab their bong with white butterflies.

"Like they wanna see if they can get us to leave."

"And yet, we never judge them for it. Cause they don't really seem to do it to us. Adam and Hazel are so understanding when I'm having one of my off days. I still can't believe I cold shouldered them over basically nothing a couple of months ago."

Jasmin wiped at the rest of her tears and laid in Anna's lap. "I just hate how mad I get sometimes. It's so explosive and Jacob's is so quiet verbally until something breaks."

Connie glanced up from the grinder and smiled wryly. "You and Steven would be best friends."

"We are best friends," She chuckled. "I just... I hate having such loud emotions. People always stereotype dark skinned girls as loud and it fucks with my head that I fit into that."

"If it makes you feel any better, I've been 2 seconds from leaving Steven and running off for as long as I wanted after one of our fights. That's the shittiest line of thinking ever." She heaved a shuddery breath before she took a ridiculous hit of weed, the bubbling of the water the only sound in the room. "Oof." She blew out a cloud and choked a bit before she could cough. A second, bigger hit was taken and she blew a few impressive smoke rings before they became blobs.

Jasmin snatched the lighter from her and wiggled her fingers. "You're a bong hog, Connie. Gimmie."

"I think maybe we have enough stuff to actually write a song now. Sounds like we all are just poorly wired circuits fizzling and glitching out at random intervals." She took her own puff and made a face. "This is so harsh–," She coughed until she was sure she was going to puke and handed it back. "That's all resin."

"Connie you're going to get us fucked up!" Jasmin groaned, already feeling a bit higher than she'd have normally been.

"Thats the goal."

They laid there and talked for what felt like hours, leaving the topic of their imperfectly perfect men in favor of girl talk.

Anna worked on the lyrical poetry for about three weeks before she handed Jasmin and Connie a copy. Connie grabbed Steven's hand and pulled him out onto the main balcony. They'd agreed that they wanted to let their men react separately and not as a group where they might end up feeding off of each other and make a mountain out of an anthill.

"We kind of don't have a melody yet, but I'd love to get this mixed ASAP and I know it sounds–,"

Steven held up a finger, intently reading the lyrics as he walked backwards to sit. He looked annoyed, which was fairly better than she'd hoped for. It wasn't exactly the kind of song one writes when they are completely... well, healthy. It was kind of toxic, she couldn't deny it.

He flipped the paper over to see the other side was blank, then back to Anna's chicken scratch. She tried to speak but he murmured, "Hush."

With her arms clasped behind her back and her head dipped, she felt like a child whose parent was reading their shitty report card. She felt mildly ashamed to even have thoughts like this, and now mildly was coming moderately. If he'd said they needed to break up with his next breath, she'd have understood.

"This is... painfully relatable," He finally said. "Is this how you feel about... us?" His eyes flickered to an unsure pink and she laughed nervously.

"Is it wrong that it makes me feel good?" She rubbed her arm and stared down at the wood below her feet. "I know it's not the ideal way relationships should work but–,"

"Is it wrong that I like forgetting my problems by replacing my needs with yours?"

Connie smiled. "Yes."

He tipped his head and raised an eyebrow. "Is it wrong that it makes me feel good too? Lie to me, Connie," He pleaded. If he'd truly spoken his mind further, he'd have told her that her lies were beautiful. She always told him everything would turn out fine and that he wasn't broken. She was a liar like that. Steven loved it.

Connie closed the distance between them and kissed him until he moaned into her mouth. "No. It's not wrong at all."

*

In the commons, Jasmin was showing Jacob her copy while he played with her hair. "This is the best worst song ever."

"You hate it?" She turned to meet his eye as he frantically shook his head.

"N-no! I love it. And I kinda feel like I'm not supposed to? Should I be offended?"

Jasmin chortled softly. "Why?"

Jacob cleared his throat and skimmed until he found a few lines. "You perceive me as a poorly wired circuit. Uh... here you mention you're constantly about to leave me, which, you know, terrifying to its core. And then you say that one of your issues is needing me."

"You also self sabotage on purpose," She added with a tap to his chin.

"I'm working on it in therapy. Trying to figure out why is hard."

She scooted around until she was facing him and patted her lap. He rested there like it was his second home as she dragged her fingers over his cheek. "You're doing so well. I'm proud of you, you know. I don't tell you that enough."

"I'd rather hear 'I love you'," He admitted to her. "Way more often."

Jasmin blushed and sighed, holding his upside down face with both hands as she struggled to find the words to tell him what was in her head. She decided straightforward was the best approach with her hyperactive man. "I tell you all the time. All the time." He looked confused so she forced herself to elaborate. "I come home to you every day. I smile at you all the time. I like to hold your hand in public. This. I feel like I don't have to mention in the bedroom. I just suck at saying it, so I show it."

The corner of his lips twitched up unmercifully. "Try anyways."

"I love you."

"Nuh-uh. You gotta say it with no anxiety. And use my name. I like when you say my actual name."

Jasmin admired his freckles and bit back guilt. "You asked me to stop calling you clown names."

"I did. And you listened and it changed everything. Say it." He grabbed her wrists and her cheeks turned pink.

Looking down at the poorly wired circuit she called her life partner, she let herself feel something past the tomboyish need to keep everything affectionate quieter than her normal loud self. "I love you, Jacob."

His smile made her stomach drop. "I love you too, Jasmin."

*

Anna was unfortunately having the most trouble in the throuples bedroom.

"How do we fix this?" Hazel pleaded with her. "This doesn't exactly beat around the bush."

Adam took her hand and rubbed his thumb across it, a troubled expression tightening his face. "We don't want you to leave. We love you." He brushed a bit of his hair out from in front of his eyes and squeezed her hands.

"You're not listening to me. I've told you guys eight times now that it's a love song." Having two over-thinkers as boyfriends was not nearly as glamorous as people thought it was. And most people didn't think it would be in the first place. "I'm in love with you guys."

"But you mentioned I break shit. I know that's about me." Hazels voice raised slightly, only lowering when Adam gave him a look. "I'm sorry I guess I just... we just don't understand you sometimes."

That was somehow their barrier. They loved and cared for each other well enough, but the different backgrounds barrier was there looming behind them. They didn't see the world in a mutual way.

But they did see their problems in the same point of view. She thought that was beautiful.

Sighing and dropping her head so her chin pressed against her chest she mumbled, "I guess... I guess I'm in love with the ugly stuff too."

They started in sync almost.

"What?" Adam tipped her face up curiously. "What does that mean?"

Guard dog boyfriends: super cute, ultra protective, kind of stupid.

She grabbed one of each of their hands and pressed them to either of her cheeks, trying to drown for a moment in the love she felt there. "I'm in love with everything about you guys. Even the bad stuff. Every last clenched fist and slightly mean word and full on argument. It's not good, but it's mine and I love it. I love you, Hazel and Adam. The whole package."