Have you ever felt the concept of insecurity of character? I never did too. People often think that insecurity revolves around the outer personality, things that are to be shown, things that are in the naked view of the public but what about the inside ugliness that slowly wraps its fingers around your throat and chokes you with its grip with each incident passing, with each person you are knowing?

Feeling insecure and inferior towards your outer personality/achievements is one thing but feeling inferior about your existence? Jealous over someone's spotless life? Jealous of someone's choices? What do you call that? How do you describe that? How do you tell someone that you feel disgusted by the very way you are? That your insecurities are making you hate yourself more day by day. And if that is not enough, if you have a baby that represents all the sins you have committed, that stands out as an example of your failed life, a failed relationship with yourself, how do you talk about it?

Ever since I was pregnant, in the initial days of the pregnancy, I was adamant about keeping this baby because it has a part of me. But I hate every part of myself, now that I am thinking, sitting on the rooftop with just the breeze as my companion, I am wondering, how can I love my baby like it deserves when I hate myself for even making it? I hate myself for acting out, for going out, for trusting the wrong people, for trying to find myself stability, love and happiness. I hate myself for thinking about hurting myself until I bleed to death and I hate myself for not having the strength in me to find myself love again. I feel so alone like no one can understand me-

"I know you are anti-social but I did not realize that you are suicidal."

"Get lost, Varun."
" I wish, but my mom is worried that you will catch a cold. And how insensitive of you? I came here climbing stairs in my conditions so that you won't die either by jumping off from here or catching a bloody cold. And all I received from you is your attitude?"

I turned around thinking he seriously got offended only to see him smiling like an idiot. Looks like someone is in a good mood.

"What do you want?"

"For you to get down and catch some gold sleep so I will be relieved of my duty and retire to my resting position."

I sighed. I looked at him to see him look at me with hopeful eyes. I sat down on the cement floor and looked at my side. He walked to where I was sitting and stood there, leaning against the wall. I realised how tall he was now that the wall on the edge of the terrace was ending below his waist. And it ends near my stomach and almost my chest.

"I can't sit down."

"I did not ask you to."

"You want to stay some more time."

"Thanks for figuring out genius," I muttered and heard him take a sharp breath.

"You are so hard to talk to."

I smiled at that. And looked up at him to find him staring at the sky.

"What do you miss about the Army?" I asked, knowing I was crossing a line and talking about something that I probably should not, I thought he would go still or something like that, but instead, a small smile formed on his face, bringing out a hiding dimple. Cute.

"Everything," he mutters and looks at me. "What do you miss in your... life?" he asked. I stopped and stared at him for five seconds. I know because I counted.

"Being myself."

He chuckled, making me frown.

"So you are telling me that Mahalakshmi who does everything that she pleases irrespective of consequences, Mahalakshmi who rebelled against her family, Mahalakshmi who eloped and got married was not being herself? "

I thinned my lips and shook my head signing no.

"Then what is that you want? How do you want to be yourself?"

"I want to make choices because I want to."

He frowned at me. Through the darkness, I could see his eyes narrowing and his forehead creasing into lines, like waves forming near a shore. That thought made me smile.

"All my life all the choices I made till now were an act of rebellion like you have said, but they are also a part of me that did things so I can get some attention from my parents, even for a bit, even for a second, I wanted to see, I wanted to feel their eyes on me."

"I don't understand. But your family-"

"Yeah, I know. I know what you are thinking but Varun, the glitter looks like gold from afar. Always remember that."

Saying so I got up from the floor and walked towards the door that leads downstairs. I stopped and turned around to see him stand at the very same place.

"Come inside it's getting cold," I said and he shook his head before he walked towards me, I gave him a small smile and took his hand in mine to support him in climbing down the stairs. Even though he tried to take his hand back I held it firmly in mine. He shook his head and gave up fighting. And I too gave up fighting the smile that was threatening to form on my face. My husband talked to me today!