Hey guys !

My dysphoria is bad

like , 

really

really 

really 

bad ...

I know , that isn't an advice at all , I just wanted to write it to ... maybe feel better ?

I was on Youtube , and then , I watched a video of a trans guy (Noah Finnce , y'a know ?) , a video were he is singing , and ... His voice broke my gosh I would never have a low voice fockingmotherofgod ....Like ... Y'a know guys , have you ever feel that or am I the only one crying because my voice is fucking high !? If only I had the balls to ask to go on T . I don't even come out ! I'm suck an assehole ... I mean , I'd come out 5 time , but my parents still don't belive me ...

I'm tired yet . Like ... Fock , wathever I do it don't work ! What's that hell ?

And also : WHY DOES EVERYONE IS ON T AND HAVE TOP SURGERY BUT ME?! All around me people say I should wait , but I DON'T WANT TO WAIT , I've been waiting for , what , 16 years !?

I do all my possible to feel fine , and to don't make people around me sad , but I'm soooo a jerk I can't even do one of this two things ! After an other coming out I did to my mum , she didn't stop to call me "her little girl" , "princess" Come eat , GUUUUUUUUURLS!" Hurgh !!! And I can't corrige her , because I don't want her to feel bad ...

I can't correctly hide my FOCKING chest , even with two sports bras ! I can't even breathe with those , so why are they even here ? Ho , yeah of course I'd ask for a binder , and my father was just like "hmm , NO." and my mother blocked on the "transgender" word write on the gc2b site.

I can't even eat , or I'm gonna take weight and be more a girl ... I don't understand why I even have a curves , I can litteraly see my ribs , I can put my fingers below my ribs but the other things don't go away ...

I'm totally giving the wrong example , and I'm sorry for this , but ... I can't simply be fine . All I can say for this chapter is "don't be like me please guys , I'm an assehole."

-Dirk