The glare from the taillights shining in the puddles on the ground glows too brightly making my eyes burn.

This will be the last time. It must be. My whole body is aching. Squeezing my eyes shut, I exhale a long shaky breath. My chest tightens. My anxiety threatens to consume me.

Watching Derek's car pull away and hugging my arms across my chest, I take some comfort in my oversized, light pink sweater. Why are we always arguing over the same shit? I've had enough this time! I don't have the energy for this, and I know in my heart that one day he will end up killing me.

My heart is racing. I feel panicky. Why am I so confused? My mind going in a million different directions and it's hard to focus.

Is he coming back? Why is everything so blurry? Nothing is making sense.

Touching my head from where it hit the wall, my heart aches from the constant push and pull of a non-existent love I am trying to force upon us. I grab my chest, rubbing my hand across the soft fabric of my sweater, trying to calm myself.

I made him too mad this time. It's all my fault.

Pacing back and forth in front of the window, I know I should leave. I don't have much time. I rub my fingertips across my cheek. There will be a mark this time.

It's all my fault. I'm conflicted.

A tear escapes down my face. The girls, the cheating, and him hitting me. It's my fault.

My head perks up as tires screech to a stop in front of the house. My heart races. Panic seizes me. Shit...he's back. He's pissed. The tears fall freely now. I know what's coming.

**********

Completely immobilized, my heart racing, I grip my pillow as it's the only thing left on my bed. Taking account of my surroundings, and trying to bring myself back to reality, I know I'm alone. I'm safe. I'm nowhere near Derek. It was a dream. I rarely think about him anymore. The nightmares happened frequently for the first few months after I left him. I was hoping that by moving here they would stop.

Sucking in deep breaths, and counting backward from ten, just as my old therapist taught me, I stare up at the ceiling fan. The fan blades turning are a good distraction from my racing thoughts. I focus on their rotation as my heart rate returns. The humming from the motor is a bonus as it calms my nerves.

I look around the floor for my comforter as my body finally relaxes enough for me to move. I roll over and entwine myself with the fluffy comforter. 

Fucking nightmares. Fucking Alec. 

Knowing I am just as much to blame for what happened last night has been eating at me, which is probably why I had the nightmare. 

Ugh.

I know better than to let myself get carried away like that. I certainly should not have had that much to drink. I should not have gotten into Alec's car. There are a million reasons why I should not be with or around him. Why couldn't it be anyone else? It had to be Alec Lockhard. What did he see in me anyhow? I'm a nobody from the middle of nowhere.

I probably would have ended up just like my mother if not for my basketball scholarship. The thought makes me nauseous, but it's the truth. Most of the kids that I graduated high school with have either overdosed, married, and divorced already, or are miserably stuck in my hometown. The only thing I knew growing up was that I needed to get out. When I got with Derek, that became clearer as the years passed. 

With Alec though, I just don't see what he sees in me. Maybe I am just a good time to him? He can have literally anyone he wants. He is one of the most eligible bachelors. He has more money than I can fathom, not that he throws it around, but still. 

Just the thought of him causes a tightening deep within my belly. It is a foreign feeling. That deep longing and I am not sure how to avoid being around him all the time with us working together. Rubbing my hands across my face, I look out the window. It looks beautiful outside. The sun is shining, a good day for a run.

"Ugh, out of bed, shower, and go," I say aloud, knowing I need to get motivated. Otherwise, I will lay here all day and be fucking miserable. I refuse to get back into that cycle.

Stretching at the end of my bed, I mentally search my wardrobe, figure out what I will wear for the day, and climb into the shower. Sighing, I desperately wish I could get the image of Alec and the club out of my mind as the water cascades over my body. Just the thought of him is heating the space around me. Remembering the way his hands feel on my skin. The way his fingers feel as they caress my face. Grabbing the body wash, I squirt a decent amount into my hand and rub it all over, hoping it will relieve some tension.

He invaded my dreams last night. Seeing that piercing green gaze as I opened my eyes in the dark, I half expected to see him there. Squeezing my eyes shut, I step under the water and rinse off. Waking up in the middle of the night longing for a run makes me think of purchasing a treadmill. Running in the city in the middle of the night is dangerous, but I need to do something with this pent-up energy.

Letting the water stream down over my face now, I try to shake the images of the night before out of my head. I have only known Alec for less than 48 hours. It should not be this difficult. He shouldn't be invading my thoughts like this. Surely I have more self-control than this? The shower is doing nothing for me. 

Damnit. 

I exhale slowly, leaning my head against the front of the shower. 

I need to run. Literally.

Turning off the shower because it's getting me nowhere, I quickly dry off and throw on a pair of black sweatpants and another crop top. Nothing constricting. I already feel ready to combust. Thankful that I opted out of having a roommate, I would not make for good company right now, I pull my hair back. Grabbing my earbuds and keys, I realize my phone is missing. 

What the hell?

Rummaging through the clothes I had on last night; I realize that I must have left it somewhere. 

Ugh. So annoying. 

This day is turning out to be just as great as yesterday. Running my hands across the top of my head, I sigh.

I don't want to run without my cell. My dad would kill me if he found out. This sucks. Always a damn dilemma. I need to run. I'm going to lose my shit if I don't. 

Choosing to be safe and stick to the main streets, I half run down the stairs. Opening the door, I see the last person I want to see. 

You've got to be kidding me. Why right now?

Rubbing my hand across my forehead and eyes hoping he will magically disappear, I look up again and sigh. 

Nope, still there. Damnit and he looks sexy as hell still, too. Why? I cannot do this right now.

"What do you want, Alec?" I say exasperated. My heart is racing. Sweat starting to bead on my forehead and I haven't yet started to run.  "I'm busy and don't have time for this today." I am tempted to push past him and leave him in disarray. Hurting people isn't my thing, but I am so tired of being hurt.

"Going somewhere?" he asks, looking me up and down. "I can give you a ride." he offers quietly. He's nervous and is avoiding whatever it is he came here for. I'm not interested.

"I'm good, but thanks." I am still pissed. He shouldn't have lied to me.

Running his hands nervously through his hair and putting them in his pockets, he stands there looking at me as if he's looking for the right thing to say.

"Well?" I ask him again. I know I'm being rude, but I can't stand here doing this with him. He looks too good and he smells so good, even from where I'm standing. I can't stand being this close to him, mad or not.

"You, uh...you forgot your phone in my car last night, and I just wanted to apologize again," he says quietly. Looking at me, his eyes pleading with me and I see something in them I haven't seen in anyone's eyes before. It scares the hell out of me.

Damnit. 

I need to go for that run. Desperately. Like right now.

I stare at him for a second. He's miserable. Every part of my being wanting to touch him; comfort him, hating seeing him like this. I just can't. I can't let myself get involved like this. I shake it off. "Okay, and thanks for bringing my phone," I say slightly calmer this time.

"You shouldn't be running by yourself through the city. It isn't safe," he adds.

He's worried about me?  The feeling of someone being worried about me causes me to panic. Yet another feeling that I'm not used to.

"I'm good. I'll be fine. I run often, and I need to run right now." I say, imagining that I look a bit like a caged rabbit.

He nods. "Got it. Okay, then," he kicks a rock on the ground. "See you at work on Monday?" he peers up at me through his lashes and I notice how he says this as a question, not a statement.

"Yeah, Monday," I say, and pulling the door shut, I start jogging past him. I have to get away. I cannot breathe and feel like I'm going to pass out if I stand here another second with him in front of me looking like a wounded puppy. He's upset, and I want nothing more than to go to him, and I can't. It's too much of a risk. Not right now. He already lied, not even mentioning that Derek could show up.

 Alec may have lied, but he isn't a bad person and I don't want anything bad to happen to him because of me. Unlike Derek, Alec is good. I don't want him involved in any drama with Derek or anyone from my past life.

I don't even know why I am contemplating this right now. I put my earbuds in and run until I feel myself finally calm down. Running through the city is a lot different than running back home. There is a lot more to be aware of. I can see why Alec is concerned. Pulling out my phone, I make a note to check out some local gyms. If I can find some 24-hour ones, I can go in the middle of the night, and I will be able to scratch my treadmill idea.

Making my way back to my apartment, I quickly shower, wash off my run, and head back into the city. There is a cute little market that I saw a few blocks away. Picking out a few plants for my windows picks up my mood.

Thoughts of Alec trickle back in. Maybe things will calm down when I go to work on Monday. Maybe this tension between him and I will fade by then. Maybe it is all in my head, and I am the only one who feels it.

After arranging my new plants, I pour myself a glass of wine and spend the rest of the weekend unpacking and trying to put the thoughts of Alec Lockhard out of my mind.  

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Continue to Chapter 6>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>