Clint tightened his coat around him as he jogged to the passenger vans.

The circus was finished it's loop in the Midwest and was heading to New York for one night only then flying out to Portugal in the morning.

As he jogged along side the vans looking for one with an extra space he heard a shout from the front van, it was Zachary.

"Clint up here!"

Nodding he made his way over and crawled into the back of the white van. It was a bit torn up inside and smelled vaguely of mildew, but it was a ride none the less.

Pulling his seat belt around him he surveyed the van. Zachary was driving with Aries in shotgun, one of the costume designers named Remi was sitting in the bucket seat opposite Clint and the twin jugglers were crammed in the back snoring lightly.

When Aries saw him she gave him a stupid grin.

"Welcome to the live in the lap of luxury! The beautiful circus van!"

Clint snorted, "So am I performing with the other acrobats tonight or am I on my own?"

Aries looked at him oddly "Jason didn't tell you ?"

"No,what was he supposed to tell me?"

"Well he was supposed to say that you get the night off in New York. We all are mandated one show off a month and today is your lucky day." She brushed a stray strand of hair from her face. "You're from New York,right?"

Clint instantly thought back to his apartment in Brooklyn then nodded.

"Yah, sorta. I moved there to work a couple of years ago." It was the truth, sort of.

"Oh cool! What did you do?" Aries seemed to be in the chatting mood today and she was asking all the questions Clint didn't want to answer.

"Uh, I worked for a company nothing really exciting just an average employee." Clint was beginning to get a bit antsy with her prodding.

How do answer questions about your job when your job was hurting people to help others?

Aries was about to ask another question but Clint stopped her.

"I really would love to keep talking but I've got a killer headache so I'm just gonna try and sleep it off." Clint lied straight to Aries.

Aries nodded, looking a bit disappointed but hiding it very nicely. "Okay get some rest, I'm gonna bug Zachy for a while." She laughed then gave Zachary a poke in the neck.

Zach groaned, "Clint why couldn't you keep her entertained just a little longer? She's like driving with a four year old!"

Clint snorted and leaned his head down on the window so he could sleep more comfortably.

Hey, even though he was lying to Aries about the headache it didn't mean he couldn't take a quick cat nap.

He quickly realized that he wasn't going to be able to sleep in the van, both of the twins were snoring, Aries and Zachary were bickering in the front and Remi seemed to be measuring Clint with a tiny tape measure. So he gave up sleeping and focused his thoughts on New York.

What am I going to do tonight? He wondered and instantly images of Natasha and Kate popped into his head. He missed them more than anything in his life in New York, more than his good coffee and fresh pizza that he could never seem to find at the circus.

But he had to give them up, he was burden to them. They would be better without him.

How many times had Natasha gotten hurt covering him or when he couldn't shoot fast enough? Too many. Natasha was one of the most important people in his life, if anything happened her because of him he would hate himself even more. Heck he would be done with his life.

How many times had he drug Kate into his problems? And how many times had she gotten hurt because of his stupid problems? She was too young for that, she didn't need to be constantly cleaning up after him. Kate was like a little sister to him and he had already lost his parents and brother, no one else should die because of him.

Yet he wanted to see them so badly. Each time he breathed he could swear he could smell Kate's girly perfume and each time he looked at something he knew he saw Natasha's hair flash just out of his line of vision.

Maybe I could just stop to see that they're okay.... He heard the voice in the back of his head suggest.

Then suddenly he could hear words that he never wanted to hear again float into his ear. His father's words from a night when Barney was at a friend's house and Clint was alone in their room.

No matter how hard he tried to suppress the memory he instantly found himself back in his creaky bed in Iowa, young, tiny and alone.

The second his dad pushed the door open Clint could smell the cheap rum smell that hung around him like a dark rain cloud.

"C-come to your papa Clint." His father slurred, leaning down arms out wide.

Five (almost six) year old Clint crinkled his nose at his dad's sour breath but climbed out of his bed anyway and ran to his dad's open arms, it had been months since his father had been this affectionate towards him. Besides Clint knew his daddy would never hurt him, he loved him.

"I'm here Daddy!" Clint hugged his father tightly like he was scared that if he let go he would disappear like the magicians in his story books.

His father hugged him back and Clint could feel his wet breath in his ear,

"Clint where's Barney?"

Clint laughed "Dad don't you remember? He's at Gavin's house, Gavin's mom said that Barney could have a sleepover there."

His father frowned like he was trying to remember something,"Mom... Car crash... Carol."

Clint felt his dad tense and let go of him.

"Where's Carol?" His father's eyes were wide and confused.

Clint looked sadly at his father with an expression that a five (almost six) year old shouldn't need to know how to make. A look of comforting, sadness and love, the look that a adult would use to comfort their child when their cat dies. Not a look that a kid should use to comfort his father with the death of his wife.

"Daddy, momma died six months ago. You were at the funeral, remember? " He said lightly resting his hand on his father's shoulder.

His father pushed the hand off his shoulder.

"I remember." His face curled into a snarl, "You killed her!"

"No, no papa! I didn't do anything!" Clint began to step backward away from his father, his hands up like he was backing away from a bear.

"Don't you try and get away from me boy!" His father lunged drunkenly at him ,grabbing his wrist and twisting it with his iron clad grip. " Face me you little monster! You killed my wife! You are going to hurt everyone around you! Me, your big brother, anyone that is crazy enough to care about a useless thing like you!" He twisted harder,Clint could hear a popping noise from his arm and he let out a horrible sob, trying hopelessly to scramble away.

"Papa p-please!" Clint wailed as his arm made another horrible noise.

"No! Don't you act like a helpless kid, you coward! Face me like a man, Goddammit!" His father using his other hand grabbed Clint's jaw and pulled him up against him.

"Listen carefully now. You are a killer, a failure, a coward. And most of all a monster, you bring pain wherever you go. Remember my words Clint and if you ever tell anyone about tonight I'll kill you." He whispered sloppily into the sobbing boy's ear then pushed him away roughly. Making Clint fall onto the floor and curl into a ball, cradling his bent arm and sobbing brokenly.

__________________________

"Hawkguy! Wake up!" Aries was shaking his shoulder not all that nicely.

Clint sat up groggily and blinked at the sunshine that was pouring into the van.

"We're in New York. Welcome home."