January 20th

I felt empty and hollow when I awoke this morning, my head felt light and dizzy. My ribs felt like they were trying to crush my organs. My heart pumped, the beating annoyingly repeated in my head. Telling me I was still alive.

I made my way downstairs and gulped some orange juice out of the cartoon, quenching my thirst and soothing my sore throat. I felt sick in every way possible and I felt worse when I realised psychology was my first lesson that day... Another hour sat next to Phil. I wondered if Phil was going to come over and work on the project today but I doubted it, I'll probably feign an illness if he tries to come over.

~~~

There he was, sitting in our new seating arrangements. I wanted to apologise for being such a twat, but I'd only told him to leave my house... He'd wanted me to leave his life. Maybe him apologising would be better, but British me wanted to do it. My European guilt was expecting instant fix, and the only way to get that was by apologising.

I took my seat next to him and opened my mouth to speak, to say sorry. But he turned his face away from me. I sighed defeated and glanced up to meet the gaze of Carrie. She mouthed something to me which I think was 'you okay?' but I just shook my head. I would probably explain to her at dinner, if she let me sit at her table again...

Me and Phil had been sitting next to them at dinner and I got to say they were a great laugh, they had other friends too; Luke, Troye and a guy with cool swoopy dyed hair but I can never remember his name... Begins with a T though. I wish I had a good memory but to be fair I get very awkward when it comes to social interactions and so everything was a blur.

"right class, in your pairs" what is it with this school and fucking pair work!? "number yourselves 1 and 2" I turned to Phil, he glanced at me.

"I'll be 1" I mumbled and Phil nodded slowly.

"right so number 1's will be learning the study on page 23 and number 2's the study on page 24. You will then teach your partners the study you learnt" well at least Phil would have to speak to me now, I missed his voice. I know it's only been a day but damn his voice is silky, you can't help but miss it.

I tried to concentrate on the words set out on the page in front of me, but they all jumbled together. The words unrecognisable and the method now made no sense. I felt myself go light headed and cursed myself for not eating. Sneakily I grabbed my coke out of my bag and tried to drink it without the teacher noticing. My drink fizzed and I winched, catching the eye of Emma who grinned at me, holding back a giggle.

I took a massive gulp of the drink and put if away, luckily escaping my teachers wrath. With a little more sugar in my system I tried to power through the study but still it was jumbled. And that's when I realised something.

All these studies and scientific developments talk about the Importance of food, yet love is a stronger force needed to keep the body going. I mean look at me, I've survived many days without food and still did well in lessons, and yet one broken heart is stopping me from retaining information. Ew love sucks. Is it love though? No its too soon to be...

I was shaking by this point, I felt Phils eyes bore into me. I hated this enclosed space, I hated this school. I wanted to run out the door, I needed.to breath!

"now discuss with your partners" what I hadn't learnt the study yet!? My mind screamed as my breathing continued to be unsteady.

"Dan?" I heard my name but I couldn't identify the person calling it, I couldn't move to see. The class was too noisy now and I felt my mind become foggy "Calm down, it's okay"

I managed to turn around and stared straight into blue eyes.

"miss- may I- may I use the bathroom?" I questioned the teacher who took a glance at me and nodded. I quickly escaped and broke down in the toilets. Tears steaming down my face, I hit the cubicle door a few times too. The sheer build up of emotions forcing there way out of my fist.

"you didn't let me teach you the study" Phil whispered as I took my seat. Miss had now gone onto a new topic by now. I blanked him out "Um, I'll teach it you when we- when I next come over?" I nodded gently and pretended to focus on the teacher.

Lesson ended and the two girls came up to me

"You're explaining yourself to me Daniel Howell" Emma said when Phil had left

"is that your way of inviting me to sit at your table?" I questioned with a grin

"maybe..." the girls said together in unison, if they were twins that would've freaked me out.

~~~

I made my way down the corridors and towards the dining hall. A part of me was excited to spend time with my friends, the ones I wished I had known earlier, but I was also worried about 'explaining myself'. I didn't know whether I should say the truth, no one had ever cared enough to ask for it. Should I come out to them? Tell them I nearly kissed Phil and now he won't talk to me and my heart is on fire and it's creating a gaping hole inside me? Probably not

I sighed as I saw them in their usual spot.

"Dan my man" Luke whooped, he put his arm out and strangled me in a hug. Who said gingers don't have souls? This man had the greatest personality ever. I hugged him back easily and took my seat next to him.

"so... Dan, what was wrong?" Emma asked from the other side of Luke

"well I-" I began, not sure how the sentence should begin or end.

"oh my god guys have you heard the news!" Troye suddenly screamed happily, a hint of an Australian accent showing.

"Troyler is official!" the guy with dyed swoopy hair, who I remember is called Tyler fangirled.

"cute!" everyone coeed. Even I aww'd and I barely know them. We talked about it and apparently Tyler literally asked him out as soon as I arrived, since everyone was distracted. I had the terrible feeling that they'd be annoyed at me for making them miss out on the get together, but everyone was to engaged in the story. I felt a weight being lifted off me, as I stared at the couple being cute together, I realised being gay was perfectly okay

My son will not have a boyfriend! My brain yelled the memory at me and I had to shut my eyes.

"you okay man?" Luke questioned suddenly, my eyes flung open

"ye-yeah why?"

"look if you ain't cool with it you know where the door is..." Tyler sassed me and I stared at him eyes wide, confusion setting in.

"you cool with two guys being together aren't you Dan?" Emmas shocked tone brought me to finally see what was going on

"yeah! You guys are really cute together! Love is love, why'd you need to question me?" I rushed out.

"you just seemed, sort of unsure man" Luke spoke

"no, no, sorry. Just having a moment, don't mind me" I laughed nervously

"oh okay..." Emma said "anyways. What's up Dan?" crap, do I tell them?

"well something happened between me and Phil" I wanted to leave it there but Emma urged me to go on. Well they're okay with gays maybe I should "guys I'm " crap no, wait yes, say it. "I like Phil, like in the gay kinda way" I spoke quietly "I tried to kiss him, then he went to kiss me back, then my mum came home and he rushed out the house. Next time I saw him we had an argument and now... now he won't speak to me" I felt tears spring to my eyes

"I'm sorry to hear that" Luke patted me on the back "I'm sure he has his reasons..." was that meant to make me feel better? At least he's being nice.

"Wait. your gay?" Emma questioned, I nodded (knowing my voice would let me down if I tried to talk) "damn, all the cute guys are" she giggled.

"hey!" Luke grumbled "I'm straight" they had they're own little conversations and I was happy to have the spot light off me. I was happy that they accepted me. I finally admitted I was gay.

"I think Phil likes you, you know" Carrie spoke next to me. I quickly turned to her and arched an eyebrow, asking for more information "I see the way he looks at you when you're not looking. He's absolutely smitten!" She sounded genuinely excited that she could tell me. I grinned widely. Her expression changed suddenly, leaving me confused. She frowned at the floor and then looked at me "I can only assume that coming out is hard, so give Phil a break okay? Be nice to him, you might be his first guy crush." in that moment I loved Carrie so much. She was kind and understood things that she shouldn't. I was grateful for her and would definitely class her as my friend, a much better one than Becky or Jess will ever be.

"I... I guess you're right" I nodded and pulled her into a hug "thanks" I whispered in her ear.

"so is Dan an official member of our squad?" Emma questioned as we exited the dinner hall

"yes!" everyone agreed, making me smile so much that my cheeks began to hurt. I had never felt so wanted before.

"Does this squad have any rules?" I asked

"yes, on Wednesdays we wear pink" Troye explained sarcastically

"and if you break this rule" Tyler began in a sassy tone "you can't sit with us" he did the sassy flick and everything. I couldn't help but giggle, everything felt right with the world.

Then my phone beeped, and that beep was like the sound of my safe little world exploding.