January 12th 

Monday. This is where I should insert a crying face. The first proper week of school. I was terrified of seeing Phil, or Chris. To be honest I didn't know who I was more afraid of seeing. That sounds odd doesn't it? But hear me out. Phil is someone I'm intrigued by, my heart beats out for him and no one else, I've never felt this way. So seeing him and knowing he wants to ignore me is literally heart breaking. Now Chris, I know he hates me and I just don't care. I'm used to it. But I suppose I'm used to rejection too. 

I opened my eyes and immediantly wanted to close them, they felt heavy. The 6am light was getting to them, I felt like I was awakening to find the freakin sun in my room! I wanted to put my head under the covers and sleep for eternity with Phil cuddling me. I didn't even shake the thoughts away because I knew I really wanted Phil here, by my side.  It was odd really and I felt a little shallow. I hadn't even talked to him, but he seemed nice. No dick would carry me to the nurses room, anyone else would've left me there. Including my so called bestfriends. 

I walked into the school building, hearing the hushed voices of my peers as I walked by them. I had the feeling they were talking about me. One of them laughed and I messed with my collar anxiously, thinking they were laughing at me. Which maybe they were, I guess I'd never know. I hated my appearance more and more each day. 

I started thinking about black hair and stark blue eyes. Then my mind wondered to the avengers, Tony Stark and all that. Then I thought of watching The avengers with Phil. Ugh I needed to get him out of my head, he was affecting my nerdy side too now. 

I made my form and prepared myself for first period. I didn't have psychology until tomorrow so I had no hope of seeing Phil, it made me feel empty inside which was a horrible feeling if I'm honest. Half way through form an elderly teacher walked in, I'd never seen her before. 

"Hey. May I have" The woman read off a few names "and Daniel Howell please" my head shot around when I heard my name. Awkwardly I stood up and made my way to the door, along with a few other students. My face immediantly went hot when I saw Phil standing there too. 
"Okay so I suppose you have no idea why youre hear?" the teacher spoke. Silence followed before she carried on "so we have organised an extra Psychology session" She tried to sound cheary but it didn't stop everyone from sighing and moaning about it. "You will have a session a week and you will put into pairs. The idea of the project is to get more into psychology and each week you will be given a project to finish" She chirped. My face went pale. pairs I would have to work with someone! I hated group projects I was always too awkward and didn't want to share any of my ideas. Not that they were good ideas. please be Phil, please be Phil. I can't talk to anyone else. Please! I begged in my mind, knowing that the chances of being with Phil were extremly short. "Daniel Howell and-" here it is, Dan howell and the jock of the school? and the popular kid? "Phillip Lester" She finished. I felt like smiling, I looked at Phil but he was avoiding all eye contact. 

At the end she asked if everyone was happy with there groups. Everyone nodded, including me, but Phil shook his head a little before nodding like everyone else. I could tell he wasn't happy about it but also didn't want to make a scene. I felt suddenly bad, like it was my fault. I had begged for it afterall, I had hoped for it. But hoping alone doesn't get you what you want... it was the schools fault when you think about it. 

Phil looked even more grim than when I had first saw him. Was I really that bad? Was I really so annoying that someone hated me just from looking at me? yes Dan, yes you are! You should know this by now 

keep your chin up lad. My nans words seeped into my brain and they cheared me up a little. Maybe Phil just needed to get to know me? Maybe when he did he'd like me enough that we could be friends? or maybe he'll realise how boring and awkward you are. 

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Our first extra lesson was last period, right after dinner. I went to there right after I didn't eat, I just read in the library away from everyone. Its a great way to get distracted from the hunger that grows in my stomach and the anxiety of being in a room with Phil. 

When I got into the extra lesson I saw that the room was tiny! It was just bigger than Harry Potters bedroom when he lived under the stairs. I was cramped up with Phil on a single table, with the 'teacher' sitting at an even smaller table in the corner of the room. Written on the board was 'psychology paired work'.

"Hey Dan?" I nodded and "Phil" she said turning to Phil who nodded too. "Great. So I thought I'd tell you a little bit about why you're here. Your teachers have said that you two seem to be very quiet and so we put you together to get you more confident and involved in lessons. Now Phil this is your first time doing Psychology and so you're falling behind, whereas Dan's been doing it for a few years and is quite good when he puts his mind to it." when he puts his mind to it Another teacher telling me how to be better in lessons, great! "So onto the project!" She fist pumped which seemed a ridiculous thing to do in the crowded room. "The fun part is you guys get to pick it! Now these two lessons are only for us to catch up and see the progress. You will have to do this outside of school hours together. Sound good?" I nodded, but looked over to Phil who barley moved a muscle. I sighed. "I'm going to leave you two to talk whilst I go and get some paper work sorted out" She said and exited the room. There was a silence so uncomfotable I could cut through the tension with a knife. 

"So..." I started, making Phil jump slightly and finally turning to me. "Do you have any ideas?" I questioned. My mind was blank, all I could think about was how close I was to him. 

"No" He said, looking down and playing with his hands. I noticed he was scratching his arm in an anxious way and wanted to reach down to stop him. 

"Me neither" I admitted and he looked back up, smiling slightly "... Do you have a number? We could text and stuff" I suddenly asked. My cheeks heated up and I had a sudden urge to escape. My face felt flushed like I was ill and I was so worried that he'd tell me to stop being a weirdo and that you can't just ask for someones number randomly. I could've said "hey add me on facebook" but nope I went straight for something personal. 
"Um. Yeah" He nodded. I pulled my planner out of my bag with shaky hands and as I was too nervous to actually speak (because I knew my voice would sound like a 9year olds or shaky like an old mans) so instead I indicated that he write it down, which he did. Shaking slightly, he was so adorable! "we- we should go out... sometime?" I stuttered and blushed as it sounded like I was asking to be his boyfriend, I face palmed when I saw his mouth was slightly ajar out of shock "I meant.. we could... um... meet up. At my house? to do the project" I stuttered out in a rush. 
"Sure" Was all Phil said. The teacher came back and asked us if we'd come up with ideas, which we hadn't. She went through the topics we could choice:

"theres: Stress, anger, dementia, Sex and gender" I immediantly thought stress and high school made me stressed or anger as dickheads in school made me angry. But I decided to talk to Phil about it. "Any of them subjects pop out?" She questioned, we stayed silent and she sighed like she'd given up on us. 

She began talking again but I was in a daydream. I felt like my efforts towards Phil would always be usless, that he'd never talk to me. Now here I am with his number in my planner and inviting him to my house. My nan was right I could be surprised.