Freddie

I watched her race frantically up and down the stairs and all around the house, shaking my head. Only Julia could wake up as early as four o'clock in the morning with three plus hours to take care of business, and still manage to get herself in a pickle.

"What can I do?" I asked her every time she passed me.

"Nothing, I'm okay," she would invariably reply, then only two seconds later exclaim something like, "Where's my phone, dammit?"

"I think it's downstairs, on the table."

"I looked there, it's not- here, wait a second, I'll just do this." She snatched up the other phone, the house phone I suppose, and dialed the mobile number. "If we're lucky, it's not on silent."

To me Julia said, "If you happen to hear the Earth, Wind, and Fire version of 'Got to Get You Into My Life' playing out of nowhere, please say so."

Just then, I noticed, not the beginnings of a Beatles cover, but a low hum coming from overhead- a very familiar hum at that.

"Does your phone do that, um- same naughty sort of vibration as Danny's?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied. "Except naughtier. Why?"

I pointed at the ceiling. Julia looked up and frowned. "What's it doing up there?"

"Well, the kids did go up in the attic looking for something."

She raced toward the attic entrance, pulled the cord. "Why'd they take my phone?"

"I don't know. They brought down some sort of picture."

"Big help, Danny," she muttered sarcastically, "this is exactly what I have time for, thank you so much."

So saying, Julia crept up the ladder and disappeared. Luckily for Danny, he and his friend had already been collected by Roxie a few minutes before. The boy had unfortunately come away empty-handed in his search for the key to Julia's metal box, which according to him contained a plethora of clues about his father.

"Did you happen to notice what picture exactly?" she called down. "I mean, who was in it?"

"No."

"Good."

"What of it?"

"Nothing. Just wondered."

"Right." My fingertips drummed against the ladder I absently gripped while I waited for her to descend.

I had been on slight edge since breakfast- not that I was touchy, or looking for a fight, but my stomach was churning anxiously, making me feel as though I was being rocked and tossed on the high seas. There was something unsettled in the atmosphere, something that had to be said- but by whom, and about what, were indeed the questions.

I had theories of my own, of course; for I still had yet to tell her about seeing Jim Beach yesterday, and that thanks to me, Stuart's time-traveling operations were very likely on the verge of falling directly into the public eye- the very thing that they had wished to avoid at all costs.

However, deep down, I mostly kept waiting for Julia to suddenly stop in her tracks, draw a heavy sigh, turn to me, and confess that last night had been a mistake.

Granted, Julia had provided no hints that she felt ashamed for having sex with me. She had been nothing but sweet and cheerful toward me this morning. All I knew was what she had told Danny in confidence, about doing foolish "things you regret later" due to too much alcohol.

What was more, I had a sneaking suspicion that last night, I had not satisfied her the way I used to.

She didn't meow last night, I told myself. That means she didn't climax. She meows when she peaks, I remember. You don't forget things like that, and she didn't meow. I didn't make her meow. She got me to cum, but I didn't get her to fucking meow. Am I simply out of practice, so accustomed to other positions that I've lost the touch elsewhere? My God. How pathetic is that?

And before I could stop it, the thought seared across my mind: I wonder if he made her meow.

Jealousy flared within me- sheer, green-eyed jealousy in all its hideousness, a raging beast I knew far too intimately to dare pretend to be repulsed by it.

By "he," do I mean Stuart? Well, yes and no. Yes, because I knew that as soon as I left this side of Time and returned home, he would have her all to himself yet again, beyond the reach of any man. He owned her, in almost every sense of the word, save one.

He did not possess her heart, her love. No, someone else carried that.

Someone with no name, no looks, no voice, no fucking identity whatever. And it was he, this phantom being, that I envied the most- because it was he, she loved.

I admit it. The mystery surrounding this nameless man was now driving me mad. Why was it so taboo a subject in the first place? What was there to hide? And why did I care so fucking much?

This was an idle curiosity no longer; now, it was an obsession. I wanted so much to know, I ached with my all to learn what sort of man had managed to ensnare Julia to the point that he could abruptly leave her without one promise of return, and still hold her heart so captive. What was his name? How big was - I mean, how tall was he? What did she see in him?

In other words, what did he have that I didn't have?

Only last night, in fact, I had become quite impatient, and while Julia dozed on the sofa I actually attempted to break into the damn thing with a bobby pin. Needless to say, I failed. But the interest only grew stronger- along with the jealousy, especially now having heard her confess her undying love for the man to the child he had fathered.

She had promised the very same undying love to me, once upon a time. But in the end, it seemed I wasn't enough.

Not for her.

The lump from early that morning started to settle back into my throat- but this time, I managed to swallow it down again, and just in time too; a second later Julia's face hovered over the opening, then vanished again as she turned around and started back down. I couldn't help my feelings, but I could help if I showed them.

For the most part, anyway.

"Find it?" I asked.

"Yup," she sighed passively. "I'm late, but I found it. No new messages, though. That's good."

"Great." I held out my hand, which she seized while hopping off the second to last step.

"Thank you," Julia smiled. "I probably wouldn't have found it at all if you hadn't heard it- and then not only would I be late, I'd be really ticked."

I put my hands on my hips. "Must you go in today?"

"I'm afraid I must," she quipped.

"I mean- it is after all the last day," I reminded her. "It doesn't seem to make much sense for you to, you know- just sort of sit in that glass office with no one to talk to for however long it is."

"Freddie, if I stay home two days in a row, Stu will get suspicious."

"Fuck him."

"Easy for you to say," Julia murmured softly. "Besides, I wouldn't have an excuse this time. You're not hung over."

"Oh, but - darling, now that you mention it, I do feel sort of sick inside," I gasped, grabbing hold of the counter, pretending to hold myself up. "It's going black- this is it- you can't leave me today, or else I'll hurt myself or something!"

She folded her arms, thoroughly unconvinced. "And this just randomly hit you?"

"Oh, no! God, I tell you- this happens every single time..."

"Every time what?"

I swept my hands dramatically through the air. "Every time I hear that name, oh, bloody fucking hell, that- DREADful name, it's more than I can possibly stand!"

"Oh, cut it out, would you?" she giggled. "Good grief. You make William Shatner look like Olivier."

"Ah, well, it was worth a try," I sighed, pushing back upright.

"Fortunately for you, though, you won't have to deal with him ever again in a matter of hours." Julia pushed the protruding spine of a paperback book deeper into her purse, her mouth pressed in a tight line.

"That's right, I'm going back," I murmured. "This evening, right?"

"Right- although I'm sure if you wanted to leave sooner, Stu would be happy to accommodate you."

"I wouldn't give him the satisfaction."

"Naturally," she nodded.

A light switched on inside my head. "Actually, I do need a ride up there anyway."

"You do?" She clicked her tongue and clapped her hands, causing the sausage dog Fry to reappear and head obediently for his kennel. "What happened to Charles?"

"Charles is unreliable," I replied, following her. "But I will need someone to drive me to the university. K's checkup, you know."

She shut the door to Fry's cage. "I'd be happy to take you along."

"Lovely. And once that's through, I'll just stroll on across the grounds and meet you in your office again so we can, um-" I paused.

"What?"

"We can, you know- indulge in sort of one more driving lesson, maybe...?"

"Good Lord," she laughed. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you wanted to spend all day with me like you did yesterday."

"Mm, well," I smiled, "if you did say that, you wouldn't be wrong at all."

"Yes but- why on Earth would you want another driving lesson?" she teased.

"Why not? We've only really done one, that's hardly enough to learn anything useful from."

Julia sighed. "Haven't we yelled at each other enough this past week?"

"I don't feel much like yelling today, actually," I whispered.

"Neither do I," she murmured, blinking her eyes slowly.

"Then- maybe we should just skip the lesson altogether and just settle for the lap dance." I winked.

She groaned. "Good God. You and your one-track mind."

"Is that a yes?"

"Listen, I'll learn to lap dance when you learn to two-step, and not a second before," she declared. "How's that?"

"You've got yourself a deal," I replied. "Now- what's a two-step?"

"Look it up."

"You are no good to me whatsoever," I sighed.

She nodded, suddenly solemn. "I know."

I swallowed hard, watching her face turn melancholy. She had such big sad eyes, of such a lovely shade of hazel-green.

To think, that after that evening, I would never look into those eyes again, or touch her lips, her hands, her hair. I wasn't even thinking in terms of sexual things, really; just the knowledge that I would never, ever see her again- for certainly her man Gertrude would never allow such a thing to happen again in the future- struck me harder than I expected. I knew it would hurt, thoughts of her, even the nice ones, always hurt in some form or another- but not like this.

"Darling, listen, um- about last night," I blurted.

Her face went pale. "Yes, Freddie?"

"Um, I was just wondering, uh-"

"Walk and talk, Freddie, walk and talk," she cut me off briskly. "Come on, I'm going to the garage. Tell me there."

"But it's freezing down-"

"Please. If this is important to you, you'll talk to me down there where they can't- well, anyway."

"They can't what?"

"Nothing. Come on, we need to leave anyhow."

So I waited until we were standing in the ice-cold garage before I continued. I thrust my hands into my coat pockets while she opened the door. We watched it begin to slide up overhead for a moment, till finally she turned to me once more.

"You were saying?" she asked.

My throat ran dry. "Um- uh-" I licked my lips. "Um- I just- I d-d-d- um-"

"Easy now, Hugh Grant," Julia said gently, those soft pink lips drawing up in that warm, friendly smile.

God, she was so beautiful. I wanted to say so- and more. I had so many things I wanted to say to her. I fumbled about a moment inside and out, but nothing was happening. Once again, the words had betrayed me when I needed them most.

"Uh- where was I again?"

Julia looked deep into my eyes. "You were saying- something about last night."

"Oh, right! Right, I was! Um- you- I suppose- really, I was just- wondering, um- do you- You don't regret it or anything, do you?"

She seemed to take a step back. "You mean- sleeping with you?"

"Yes," I nodded in relief. "Making love to me, I was wondering if you regretted it at all."

"Why?" Julia blinked. "Do you?"

"No! No, of course not- and anyway, that was very shifty of you, I asked you first. Now, please answer me."

She looked me over. At long last, she whispered, "No, I don't, either. The only reason I would regret it, is if you did."

"I don't. I promise."

Julia nodded. "I believe you."

I smiled. "Oho, that's a step in the right direction."

"Gotta start sometime, I guess."

"Right."

As the seconds passed, our smiles faded. Once again, that old, horrible tension filled the air. There was something else I knew I should have been saying, something that had been true even during those wild days when I tried with all my might to make it false- words I needed to say, words she needed to hear. But as any time before, they wouldn't come. They simply refused.

Julia looked over my shoulder, then back up at me. Without warning, she leaned up and kissed my lips. "See you in a couple hours, maybe."

I snapped out of it. "Wait a second, I thought-"

"Isn't that yellow car Charles's?" she said coolly, pointing behind me.

I whirled- and was thoroughly stunned to see the yellow "company" car idling away beside her mailbox. "Yes, it is, I think."

"Good. Then he can take you there."

I frowned. "But darling, you said-"

"I know, it's just- probably a better idea that we head up there separately, and- you know, so you don't feel trapped with me, or stuck there, or whatever, and besides I'm really late, so, in case I don't catch you later, goodbye."

Before I knew what was going on, she had clambered into the driver's seat and started the Jetta, pulling out of the driveway and speeding down the icy road while I stood there in the garage, utterly baffled.

Suddenly my fists clenched. "I don't believe it," I whispered. "She did it again."

I shook my head, walked a little further out to watch her vanish round the corner. "She did it again!" I shouted. "Good God!"

"Did what again?" Charles asked, lifting the car door.

Eyes narrowing, I approached him. Now I had a target for my anger. "And let's hear from you!" I demanded. "Where did you go yesterday? You said you were just circling round the building, but you just fucking disappeared into thin air!"

"Sorry about that," he sighed.

"Right," I scoffed.

"Seems you still got home all right, though."

"I rode back with her cousin."

"Okay. I am sorry, though. My superior called me in for a spontaneous report, and I didn't have time to notify you."

"That sounds like a lot of bullshit, but whatever. I need you to take me up to Preus Hall at Princeton right this moment- unless of course you've got any other spontaneous fucking errands to run first?"

As rude as I was acting, he took it all in stride. "No, sir. Ready when you are."

"Fine. One moment, I've got to grab something."

"Yes, sir."

"And stop calling me 'sir'!"

"Sorry."

I darted back into the house, then came back out with -you guessed it- the notebook. "She would have driven me, you know, if you hadn't shown up," I muttered, sliding into the front.

Charles touched the ignition. "Is that what you wanted?"

"Charles, I'm never going to see her again after today," I snapped. "Of course that's what I wanted!"

"I was unaware of that," he rumbled softly, eyes on the road.

"Well, now you're not," I huffed. I tried pulling the pen I kept tucked into the spiral out, only to find it wasn't there. If I had to guess, the kids had unwittingly swiped it.

"Damn!" I swore. "Charles, you don't happen to have a pen, do you? Or a pencil? Something?"

"All I have is this black light pen," he replied, handing it to me. Thanking him, I tried writing with it, but nothing showed up.

"No good," I said. "It's out of ink."

"No, no, it's supposed to do that," he explained. "The ink's invisible, you see."

I frowned. "What do you have one of these for anyway?"

"Standard equipment for the job." He reached over and tapped one end of it. "It's also a flash drive, you see?"

"What will they think of next," I muttered, completely uninterested in asking what a flash drive was. Then, blindly, I scrawled down the first words that came to my mind. If I misspelled any of them, I didn't know- and I didn't care.

Strangely, though, writing the words down was not as therapeutic as once was. I knew what I was writing, but I couldn't see it, or read it for myself. I might as well have simply been making random scribbles on the page, for all the good it was doing me.

"Forget it," I huffed. "I can't see it, there's no point."

"Do you know what it says, though?" he asked quietly.

"Of course I do."

"What does it say?"

"None of your business."

"Aha. You don't remember!"

"What? I just said I do!"

"Prove it."

"I don't have to. It's enough I know what it says, it's not for anyone else to know, least of all you. Now fuck off."

His mouth twitched. "Now you sound like Julia."

I looked up. That was a certified attack. "What? How?"

Charles didn't answer.

We were silent for some time, the frigid world sliding by noiselessly. I stared down at the blank, yet not blank, page, and sighed. "It's nothing really spectacular I wrote anyway."

"Mm," he grunted. "More song lyrics then?"

"Not really- I mean, they could be- and they are, come to think of it, but- that's not how I meant them here. It's just a line, um- a line I'd- like to say to someone, but I- can't."

"Oh." The driver nodded. "Why not?"

I shrugged. "Because, I- sort of don't want to- put myself in a position, that, you know- I don't want to sort of look like a, um-"

"You're too proud?" he offered.

"Right, let's drop this, shall we?" I snarled, turning away.

"Yes, sir."

I glared at him.

"I mean- Yes, er- Rick."

I rubbed my face, and muttered under my breath, "My God." Exasperated, I glanced one more time at the invisible words, tracing the scratches the pen made into the page with my finger. I couldn't see the words, but they were there. Though I could feel them, I couldn't see them with my eyes. But I believed in them just the same.

Suddenly I realized I was mouthing the words as I traced them. My heart pounded, my lips still moving to form each syllable. Four little words I had written, four small silly words that I couldn't even see- but that didn't make them any less true.

I looked up, faced the road as Charles was doing, and spoke the words aloud.

He turned with interest. "Mm? What?"

"That's what it says," I whispered.

"What does?"

"This." I held up the open notebook, and repeated, "It says, 'I still love you.'"

Charles didn't say a word, although I couldn't help but notice his lips curve up on one side while he let out a long sigh through his nose, only nodding when I handed him back his pen.