Chapter 43, Back to December
(Ep. 5: The Nina Project)

When Gwen was nine years old, she started thinking about death.

Having flatlined for a few minutes while her dad was declared dead on the scene certainly brought someone to ponder on every single life choice they've made, even if they were young. She managed to escape death's grasp and wave it goodbye for the meantime, settling that someday they would meet again, but in a very long time. Well, at least that was what she thought.

Max's encounter with Vecna left her thinking a lot about the grim reaper. The young girl escaped him and survived, she fought through and continued on to live and not just survive. It sounded like a miracle if she was being honest.

Gwen was certain no one would care to know her favorite song, or if anyone remembered it. Even if they did, she wouldn't allow the music to save her. Maybe she would just let Vecna take her. Maybe everyone would be happy without her.

Three people died because of her, so if she were to survive, it would be a selfish act. Barb gave up her life to save her when it should have been the other way around. Even if getting into the Upside Down had been accidental, Gwen should have kept her friend alive instead of trying to be all tough and mighty. Barb wanted to stay hidden and she denied her suggestion due to her ego.

And now Barb was dead.

Billy getting possessed by the mind flayer had been her fault as well. She should have kept driving and maybe then, he would've followed her and not drove past Cornwallis, where the mind flayer resided in. Instead, she chose to stop and lead him on thinking it would be funny to watch him drive away and ditch him.

And now he was dead.

With his death, Hopper's was also hers. The mind flayer returned again and if it wasn't for all the flayed becoming one, the gate wouldn't have been closed. Even if the Russians had a major role in it, it didn't change how the Battle of Starcourt wouldn't have happened if Billy hadn't become the host. As always, Hopper just had to be the hero and be the one to close it, and now look at where he was.

Dead. All of them are dead and it was all her fault.

Fighting to survive when lots of lives had been lost was selfish and quite frankly, Gwen felt undeserving of it. Even if Vecna might continue living on, at least she wouldn't be messing anything else up and sending a large butterfly effect to ripple everyone's lives.

She'd be gone.

She'd finally be with her dad and everyone would be better off.

What better way to go than keeping this curse silent?

No one needed to know about her nightmares, the grandfather clock at the library, or how her headaches were getting worse, and especially, they couldn't know her favorite song as it would be the one thing that could save her.

As everyone slept soundly, Gwen sat on the steps of the Wheeler's basement holding a cup of coffee. She was exhausted, both mentally and physically, but she couldn't bring herself to fall asleep. Her nightmares were much more vivid to the point she wondered if they were actually real or just a part of imagination.

Her reality was being altered and slowly driving her insane.

But she wouldn't say anything.

Through the light snoring, Gwen tried making the time go faster by looking around. She noticed Max sleeping on Lucas' lap with her headphones on, Robin had her head in her arms and slept against the coffee table, Daphne was on the couch with her hand hanging down, Nancy was curled up in a blanket, and Dustin was asleep sitting up straight with his back against the television.

On the far corner, Steve had found a comfortable spot on a lounge chair. His legs were curled together in an unnatural position and his expression was peaceful, as if he were having the best sleep of his life.

(He was, actually. In his dreams, she was there and they were living in the city, but she wouldn't know that.)

Gwen leaned forward, placing her chin against her palm and gazing at him. Her blue eyes softened at his presence, so full of longing and enamor. He was a resplendent light amidst the darkness. His vibrant colors were as mesmerizing as the Northern Lights, truly and irrevocably the greatest sight to behold. Being in his presence was the greatest of honors, one that she would cherish for all of evermore.

He had been the only one to ignite a fire within her. She felt passion and a profound love with him, but it was an unfathomable thought to consider he could feel the same. After everything she put him through, how could she dwell on the possibility that he could love her like she loved him?

It was absurd to think about, especially after how she ended things on Christmas Day.

CHRISTMAS DAY, 1985

Six months have passed since Hopper died.

Gwen was still trapped in the memory of the worst night of her life. She had experienced many traumatic things, but they didn't come close to the torment of the Fourth of July. That night had been the last drop before the glass spilled over and the days passing didn't cease its haunting.

Many people lost their lives to something beyond a fire while she survived. There was nothing special about her, so the universe sparing her was senseless. She didn't offer anything to the world, but she still survived while the rest perished.

How could she live with that?

How could she live knowing Hopper was gone?

Her mother took her to church so they could pray for the lost souls and thank God for giving her a second chance. She recited a few prayers, but the quietness of the church did the opposite of silencing her demons. If anything, the silence made her thoughts louder. Seeing the families of those that died intensified her guilt. She listened to their cries and became tormented by the knowledge that their pain was caused by a secret they would never know.

It wasn't fair that she held the knowledge and still breathed. Innocent people that shouldn't have gotten involved were gone and not a single prayer would rid her of the harsh verity.

But Gwen slowly learned to live with the guilt.

New York had been her chance. She attended her classes, got a job at a cafe, and remained focused on her studies. After years of working for her dream, she finally made it to the grand city and appeared to be moving on.

A lie she let many believe.

Everyone had moved on. They resumed their lives to normality and weren't haunted by the occurrences. She wanted to believe it was a mask to hide the truth, but the signs pointed to the opposite.

Steve was happy with his job. He was working alongside his best friend and was saving up for the next phase of his life. He wasn't stuck in the past. He was looking ahead. Whenever he spoke about his plans, Gwen felt a tightness in her chest. She loved hearing his hopes for the future and the joy it brought him, but it made her realize that she was still stuck.

There was no future for her.

Only the past and the present.

Gwen didn't understand how after obtaining her dream, she felt unfulfilled. There was an emptiness clawing from within, threatening to drown her in its darkness and disappear her. She would lay awake at late hours of the night and long for the past, for a second chance to revisit the years she took for granted but would never obtain.

Everyone moved on and she was just stuck.

It seemed selfish to express this to Steve, because he was happy. He was getting everything he wanted and her world had already ended ever since the fire. It was why she chose to distance herself. It seemed better to prevent him from being engulfed by her gloom, but she was still a girl in love with him.

Distance was needed, so it was a concept slowly being placed.

It just so happened that it was completed during the holidays.

Now on Christmas day, Gwen poured herself a cup of hot cocoa and discreetly added bourbon to it. With reluctance, she approached the living room and remained under the archway. Her mom and Dustin were dancing to "Let it Snow" while Steve petted the family cat. Since his parents were spending the holidays in London due to some business trip, she asked him to stay over and he gladly accepted.

Upon seeing her, Steve's brown eyes beamed with delight. He hurried to her side and placed his arms around her, gently placing a kiss to her cheek, "You're standing under the mistletoe."

A scheme from Dustin.

Gwen saw him earlier putting it up. She wasn't a fool not to know it was his way of attempting to help their situation. It seemed he was the only one to sense the distancing and thought it'd be good to intercept before the situation got worse, but instead, it did the opposite.

"I'll take it down," she leaned away and began reaching for it, but felt Steve holding her by the arm.

"You don't have to. We can just follow the rules," he suggested, and shortened the distance between them.

His warmth emitted like radiation onto her. She felt a pressure in her chest and a tightness in her throat, forcing her to once again lean away from him. Another weak smile was given, but she failed to match it with her eyes.

It was then when he noticed.

"Are you okay?" Steve asked, watching as she took down the mistletoe and harshly placed it aside.

"I'm fine," she quickly answered, but in a cold and detached tone. "I'm just not in the mood. Can you just get the hint?"

Steve was taken aback. He was hesitant to speak, afraid he would ruin things more. Instead, he remained still and gave a faint nod of understanding. He feigned a soft smile, but like hers, it failed to match the eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

Gwen didn't say anything. She simply walked past him to the kitchen and poured herself another drink. The bitter contents burned her throat, but it helped melt the coldness from inside. She poured one drink after another until eventually, the bottle lay empty against the counter.

It was wrong, but she still reached into her father's liquor cabinet for another. She held on to the wall for balance, not realizing Steve was now standing beside her. He guided her away from the living room toward the kitchen, where she managed to free herself from his hold and sit on top of the counter.

Steve was visibly uncomfortable. Not because of the joy in the next room and the somberness in this one, but due to seeing her in a drunken state that didn't radiate enjoyment. Christmas was her favorite holiday to the point she was named the Angel of Holiday Spirit. She would decorate the second Halloween ended, only listened to Christmas songs, and drank holiday beverages. It never occurred to him that bourbon would be the only drink she now favored.

He approached her calmly, as if afraid one wrong move would set her off. She took another sip and nearly slammed the bottle, but remained just as controlled. He stared at her attentively the closer he got and she ignored him, "I think you've had enough for today. Let's get you a coffee."

Gwen scoffed, "Screw you."

He swallowed thickly, "Come on, let's just go to your room."

She didn't say anything.

Laughter was heard from the living room along with footsteps approaching them. He moved to stand in front of her just in case it was her mother, but was relieved when it was just Dustin.

"What are you guys doing here?" Dustin reached for the batch of gingerbread cookies and took a bite. He then paused, eyes widening in sudden concern, "Don't tell me you were going at it-"

The sound of the back door slamming open became a jarring interruption.

Dustin's expression dropped, "Steve, what's wrong?"

"Just stay here," Steve simply told him, and stormed outside.

It was snowing, which made it harder to see. The Christmas lights weren't providing enough illumination, but he managed to find her footsteps heading in the direction of the forest. It was already dangerous being outside in a drunken state, but even more that she came without a coat. He wanted to head back inside for it, but became more worried that she could wander off much further with every second wasted.

But then, Dustin bolted toward him holding both his coat and hers.

"Where did she go?" he frantically asked. "Is she okay? Did something happen?"

Steve took the coats from him and gestured to the house, "Just go back inside. I'll handle this."

Dustin was hesitant to do so, but knew better than to argue and waste more time. He didn't say a single word and only did as he was told, settling on waiting by the door for his favorite people to return.

Running as quickly as possible, Steve followed her footprints and the life came back to him when finding her. He sighed in relief and wasted no time in placing the coat around her shoulders.

He then noticed she was still holding the bottle of bourbon, "Are you kidding me?"

She tensed at his voice, but then held the bottle out, "Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want some?"

He hastily removed the bottle from her grasp, suddenly recognizing it as the one he saw in her father's liquor cabinet. She mentioned how it hadn't been opened ever since his death, as if to preserve his memory and leave his belongings untouched. If she discarded the unspoken oath, something must definitely be wrong.

"You opened your father's cabinet?" Steve poured the remaining contents on the snow, and she stepped forward defensively. "You told me it was never meant to be touched. It was a way to cherish his memory. How do you think your mom will react when she finds out?"

His brown eyes met her blue ones, but the light in them were no longer present. There was a darkness, a void emerging from within now emanating to the surface. He felt an aching in his heart, but he refused to show it. Not when she needed him the most.

"If I wanted your opinion," she glared up at him, her voice dropping a few octaves, "I would have asked for it."

His jaw clenched, "Too bad. I'm still giving it."

Gwen could see the disappointment in his eyes. She was ashamed for making him feel this way, for hurting him instead of bringing him joy. Without intention, she was breaking their oath and slowly destroying what they built for so long. She was corrupted and now was corrupting him. Just like she always did with everything she touched.

"For once in your life, leave me the hell alone," she raised her voice, taking a step forward to acquire the bottle back.

He stood his ground, "Not a chance. You're going through something, so I'm staying."

She internally cursed and began heading deeper into the forest. The snow falling harder didn't matter. It didn't stop her from diving into the darkness, so she began sprinting as if her life depended on it.

But Steve was faster.

His previous basketball experience now came in handy. He prevented her from heading deeper into the forest and held her tightly against him, ignoring her frantic attempts to free herself from his hold. He gently tossed her over his shoulder to carry her back to the house, but the familiarity of the path worsened everything.

"Let me go!" Gwen demanded, shoves and hits being emitted in a drunken haze.

"I'm not doing that."

"Put me down!"

"I'm not leaving you, Gwen," Steve told her as a way to reassure her that he would never leave her side no matter what.

Instead of his words offering comfort, they provided the opposite.

Gwen was the one that left him. She disappeared ever since that night and became this unrecognizable person. He loved the girl she used to be, and it was that reason as to why he remained by her side. Not because of the promise they made, but out of love for the past.

How could she put him through this?

How could she let him endure a torment by her side?

"I can't do this," she said, her voice low, but loud enough for him to hear.

Steve came to an abrupt halt. His first thought was that she was tired of this arguing, but he wasn't stupid. He knew what she was referring to, but didn't understand why.

He set her down, brown and blue eyes colliding once more, "What do you mean?"

Her throat tightened, but she continued nonetheless, "I don't feel anything."

An obvious lie, but it was a lie that would liberate him. A lie that would open the gates to the purgatory he endured by her side. She had gone to church enough times to know a sinner was bounded to perdition, so she did the selfless thing to spare him from the flames.

"You- you don't feel anything?" Steve stammered, the confusion in his face faltering into affliction.

Gwen didn't want to continue, but she needed him to evict her from his heart, "I can't continue living a lie. It's not fair to you."

"A lie," he blankly repeated, still unsure of what was happening. He took a step toward her, but felt a shatter in his heart once she staggered back as if he were poison. "You expect me to believe that? Really?"

She forced herself to look at him, "Why do you think I didn't answer your calls? Why do you think I left?"

Steve studied her micro expressions, hoping to find an ounce of dishonesty in them. She looked at him as if he was nothing but a stranger, as if he were still the same person he was years ago, and that terrified him more than anything. If she didn't feel anything anymore, then that meant she didn't love him.

The thing was that he did notice how much she withdrew from him. She always seemed to be busy and constantly postponed her visits, claiming she had exams or classes. He understood her and suggested heading to campus, but she always refused him.

What if she was being honest?

What if all this time, he had been gazing at nothing but a lie?

Gwen could see the gears running in his mind. He was believing her and while it was exactly what she wanted, she also longed for the opposite.

"No," he suddenly said, and showed her the ring she gave him. "Remember the promise we made? I do and I know you do as well. If you didn't, you wouldn't be wearing it."

Her eyes welled as she glanced down. Her ring was her most prized possession and it was the one thing that kept her grounded. It filled her with warmth and reminded her that her life had once been good. But things were different now. She was different and it wasn't fair on him.

"Something is wrong and you're trying to push me away, but I'm not letting you," Steve spoke with a certainty and the strength that came upon him. He followed her gaze every time she tried looking away, an indication there was more to her claims than she let on. "It's you, it's me, it's us."

"Bullshit."

That word.

It was different when Nancy said it, because he didn't love her the same way he loved Gwen. He had become haunted by the word due to the way it was used against him. It was targeted to describe something that had been real to him, but was nothing more than a lie. He confided in Gwen about this and she was now using it against him.

She claimed to not want to live a lie anymore and he refused to believe her, but the signs were proving to the opposite.

His voice was barely a whisper, resembling more of a whimper, "What?"

Gwen's eyes resembled an empty night without stars, a moon less environment with nothing more than just darkness. Their blue color was gone, fully consumed by a tragic storm and an unspoken guilt.

"I left for a reason, but you're too blind to see it!" Gwen spoke loudly, but her voice trembled amidst the drunken haze and her feigned depravity. "I was stuck and you didn't notice! You kept gazing at a dream that stopped existing and expected me to continue believing in it!"

"And what do you want me to do?" Steve breathed heavily, his expression turning stoic despite the emotions within. "You want me to sit around, watch as my life fades before me? To ruin myself? To become broken?"

(Of course she didn't want that, but she needed him to believe her.)

"As if you weren't already," she whispered, her words still sharp and just as hurtful.

Steve tried to speak, but his throat had tightened and his capabilities disappeared. Nothing he could say would change the fact that it was true. He was nothing more than a broken man waiting for someone to pick up the pieces. It was a belief he carried for years, but didn't expect to hear it from the woman he loved.

"Take a look at yourself. I'm not the one who's drunk out of my mind," he bitterly said.

Gwen wasn't sure how to respond, but she then replied, "At least I made it out."

Steve knew she was referring to her departure from Hawkins and how he had stayed behind. It was an insecurity he carried, a fragile thread between them that was never at risk of being fractured. He never considered her the type to corrupt him, but perhaps he had been looking into the face of a dream that had already disappeared.

"And yet you're still here," he tried sounding angry, but it was unconceivable. "So really, nothing did change."

Gwen turned to leave, and he watched her as if memorizing her every movement.

"At least you're consistent," Steve murmured under his breath, now looking away from her.

She paused, knowing this wasn't arguable when it was the complete truth. It was a decision she made and he believed her. He believed her inconsideration, her anger, her resentment, and her bitterness, because she was living a lie.

But he was the only honest part in her life.

"Yeah, I guess I am," she agreed. "We're done then."

Steve jolted at her sentence. He couldn't believe this night would be the end of them. It wasn't right. It was something wrong, a grave error that would result in obliteration. He had heaven in his palm and was being threatened to exile. Unlike fallen angels, he refused succumbing to perdition. The sweet hereafter lay within her and only a sinner would willing choose the abyss.

"We promised to never run and to stay together when things get hard," he reached for her hand, gently squeezing it and grazing her ring. "You're pushing me away and I'm not letting you. Nothing you say will make me leave. Nothing."

Like glass, Gwen felt everything within her shatter. She loved him, more than life itself. It was for that reason that she couldn't continue. Not when she was at risk to explode and destroy everyone in her path.

She dropped his hand, staring firmly into his eyes, "Promises are meant to be broken."

"Don't do this," he pleaded, "I'll do whatever you want. I'll fix this. I'll be better. I'll-"

"I can't do this anymore."

Being with him was the happiest she had ever been. He was incredible, the most perfect and adoring boyfriend, but she was the opposite. They haven't laughed together, shared meaningful conversations, and not argue. All the signs proved to an end, an end that had been caused by her.

There was no such thing as a happy ending. Love didn't fix all things wrong in the world and it wasn't the answer to everything. She was drowning in this darkness, seeking for him to save her, and all he did was watch her drown. He stood on the sidelines moving forward while she remained trapped in the past.

"I can't be with you, so let's just end this," she swallowed hard, glancing down to blink away the tears.

Steve couldn't understand what was happening. He couldn't believe his greatest fear was unfolding right in front. She was breaking up with him, she was breaking their promise, and choosing to run.

No, he couldn't let this happen.

He couldn't lose the woman he loved.

"We will get through this," he cried, "We always have, so there's no need to end things."

"You're not hearing me!" Gwen dismissed his words and pushed them aside, but they would forever remain with her. She wanted to take everything back, but she wasn't in the right mindset to continue. She would only bring him down and she loved him too much to let him drown in her mess. "I don't want to be with you anymore."

Steve was silent for a moment, but then asked, "You don't love me?"

(With her entire heart, but she couldn't admit it.)

"We're over."

Her sentence cut him sharper than any blade.

Gwen was the air he breathed and now there was no more air. There was nothing, just pure emptiness. He loved her like he never expected to love anyone, but she didn't. She stopped feeling anything and it was all on him.

Steve couldn't bear to look at her any longer. There was no conceivable way that he could be in her presence knowing they were no longer one. Their future together was gone, simply thrown into the abyss with no means of salvaging it.

They were over.

They had abandoned each other.

As he bolted to his car, Gwen only watched him leave. He never looked back and she was grateful for it. If she were to gaze into his big brown eyes, she would change her mind and she was uncertain of wanting that.

The rumble of his engine and the lights vanished into the road. She would never forget his pained look, the tears in his eyes and the way his voice broke when pleading with her. She had been the cause for his agony and would never forgive herself for it.

But it was too late.

And she had to accept it.