It's very... confusing, some days. I wake up and do everything over and over again like clockwork. The passing of time a mere passing thought for such a monotonous routine. Sometimes I snap out of it when there are "vacations". I went to Oregon to visit family. I remember them now. I haven't seen them in years. We ate clam chowder, and I loved it. It had warm potatoes and bits of clam in it. I was so used to eating the same foods I wasn't sure how to react. Am I really missing out on even the simplest pleasures of life? This morning, I had some leftover clam chowder.  My great grandma came today, she's 91 and she'll be 92 soon. We talked about a hike I went on yesterday. We saw lots of trees and waterfalls. It was 7 miles long. Occasionally we saw mushrooms and other unique things. Grandma doesn't have the best vision now, and might even be blind in one eye, but she told me I was a good photographer. I also told her about the day before, where we went to a beach and saw some sea anemones. I poked a sea anemone, and it grabbed me, hungry for any form of food it could get its little nematocyst-laden tentacles on. I didn't get a picture of one. It was small and white, roughly the size of a golf ball or a quarter. There were multiple side by side. 

Eventually, we stopped talking.

She said I looked tired and insisted I took a nap. 

I went upstairs but I couldn't fall asleep. I had a full consciousness at my disposal. I had finally registered what had happened in the past few years. After I was given a ban from Wattpad due to my parents believing it was a hazard towards my mental health I had simply returned to a dull routine with little changes. I continued my hobby of writing in journals, and I have gotten a bit better at it. My writing and business teachers say so. 

That doesn't matter though.

The main reason I wanted to write was to try and explain my fear. I hope maybe this little writing could be studied by those who wish to learn more about the psychology behind my actions. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how much longer left my great grandma has. My aunt moved in recently and I found out the corgi she brought with her likely has cancer and will also die soon. Why is everybody dying? First it was my grandma on my dad's side who died due to cancer when I was young. I remember her vividly. I used to cuddle with her, and she was one of the people I loved the most. When she died, I went to her funeral, but I have no memory of it. It wasn't until months later when somebody told me that I was aware she had even died. Now, recently, my great grandfather died of cancer. Then my aunt's dog whom I am close with was diagnosed with cancer (Which for dogs is practically incurable and only spares them a few months to live), and now I'm scared my great grandma may die too. I've heard those with bad mental health tend to get ill easier and aren't as healthy as happy people, and since great grandpa died, I think great grandma is really sad. They really loved each other. They had been married for 49 years. Great grandma talked about how she was suddenly flown out to the nursing home in Oregon and how she feels displaced, this was all so sudden. She made some friends at the nursing home, but she spends all day alone in her room, only coming out for mealtime. I wonder if maybe she's isolating herself like I did, that way she can't grow attached and nobody close to her will die again. I also worry because I heard about a heart condition called "Broken heart syndrome" or by its medical name, "Takotsubo cardiomyopathy". It's a heart condition that often affects older women and may cause health issues. Luckily, it's a very rare condition, so maybe great grandma didn't get it.

I don't want to lose her.

Time seems to have blurred by in the blink of an eye...

Has it really been so long?